Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Cyclists keep getting faster, justice keeps getting more evasive.

This past weekend cyclist Denise Mueller made history when she officially became the World's Fastest Frederica, piloting a bicycle across the Bonneville NaCl Flats at 147mph, or [note to assistant: insert number here] kph:


California cyclist Denise Mueller set a women’s world speed record of 147mph Saturday, drafting an SUV on a wildly unique, fixed-gear bicycle on the Bonneville Salt Flats of Utah in the United States.

The 147mph marked a new Woman's Paced Bicycle Land Speed Record, a style of extreme speed that dates back to 1899 when Charles "Mile-a-Minute" Murphy drafted a train on a bike, with sheets of plywood laid down between the rails the tracks for a riding surface. Murphy completed a mile in 57.8 seconds, according to newspapers at the time. 

Ah yes, who could forget old man "Mile-a-Minute?"  Even though I was but a schoolboy and still in short pants in '99, I remember it like it was yesterday.  And it wasn't just any train, either.  It was a Long Island Rail Road train:


(PDF)
He'd have gone even faster if he hadn't had to change at Jamaica.*

*[That's a little Long Island Railroad humor for you.]

Murphy, by the way, totally invented the concept of "aero" and DON'T YOU FORGET IT:


(PDF)

He also had an onion on his belt, which was the style at the time, and it's inspiring when you consider that we owe some of the greatest advances of modern civilization to the exploits of these brave and visionary proto-Freds.

Anyway, here's Denise Mueller's bike, which I suppose is officially the World's Fastest Fixie:



The bike is a fixed gear; there is no coasting or shifting for Mueller, who must be towed up to speed with the gigantic gear. "We are trying to get up to speed as fast as possible in the first mile before I drop the tow," Mueller told BikeRadar. "Then we have until mile three to get up to ultimate speed. Between mile markers three and four is where I am being timed." 


When Mueller is going 140mph, her cadence is 100rpm.

Presumably once she passed mile marker four she threw a leg over the bars and set yet another record for the World's Sweetest Elephant Trunk Skid:


And if you weren't there, here's video of the momentous event:



Here's Mueller pacing behind the car:


Driver checks mirror:


Driver looks ahead:

Driver checks mirror:


Driver looks ahead:


Driver swerves around Lot's wife, who like totally came out of nowhere:


And finally driver makes a celebratory gesture when Mueller hits 147mph, which I guess we can now call "Frederica World Record 'Woo-Hoo-Hoo-Hoo!' Speed:"


Though oddly this celebratory gesture evolves into a sort of wanking gesture, though I'm going to assume that's an accident of the safety gloves and not an expression of derision:


And through it all the mummified co-pilot's expression remains inscrutable:


In any case, good for her, though I'd still like to know from Mueller #whatwheelcounterbalancekityourunning.

As for Old Man Murphy, he was a Brooklyn cop, and today his fellow officers honor his memory by arresting cyclists after they're assaulted by racists:


(Via @somebadideas)

WILLIAMSBURG — A Brooklyn cyclist claims a passenger in a car yelled a racial slur at him, spat on him then punched him in the face — yet he was the one who spent a night in jail.

The passenger was charged with assault and given a ticket for attacking Nikolas Padilla last week — then he was allowed to leave the scene, police said.

But Padilla was charged with menacing and criminal possession of a weapon for swinging his bike lock — which he denied, saying the lock was fastened round his waist when police arrived — and was taken into custody.

Sounds about right.  If a driver tells the police a cyclist swung a bike lock they'll make an arrest, but if a driver tries to hit a cyclist with a minivan they'll let the driver go.  As for the cyclist's claim that the lock was still around his waist when the police arrived, there are two explanations for that.  The first is that he's got some crazy Pootie Tang-type bike lock-swinging skills, and the second is that either the people in the car or the police (or both) were lying.

Call me a cynic, but I'm inclined to go with the second explanation.

Anyway, here's how it all happened:

"I wasn't looking for any trouble," said the cyclist, who rides competitively with Echelon Cycles. "I was just going about my day."

Padilla said he was stopped at a red light in front of a car that started honking repeatedly at him once it turned green.

Yep, yet another reason not to stop for red lights: it makes drivers crazy.  And, in this case, racist and violent:

"This dude just lowered the window. He spit on me twice," Padilla said. "He basically told me to, 'Shut the f--k up, n---er.'"

And here's your assault:

As he approached the car, he said he checked the driver's side mirror, as he's grown accustomed to doing since he's been hit by doors twice before. In the mirror he made eye contact with the female driver right before she swung open the car door, he said.

"She opened the door at me. I had nowhere to go because I was basically trapped," he said.

Padilla rammed into the door and fell to the ground.

The passenger in the car got out and punched him twice in the face, Padilla said. He claimed the driver then backed over the wheel of his bicycle, he said.

So after the driver intentionally doored the cyclists, the police arrested the cyclist and gave the passenger a ticket:

Police arrested Padilla and the car's passenger, Christopher Cicero, the president of SmarterWiki Inc, a company that claims to lobby Wikipedia for its clients.

Cicero was given a Desk Appearance Ticket for punching Padilla, though the arrest report does not mention the claims that he uttered a racial slur or spat on the cyclist.

Sure, it's bulky and you can't conceal it, but there is still no better assault weapon than a car.

By the way, running a company that "lobbies Wikipedia for its clients" sounds like the world's nerdiest e-protection racket.  ("You better take that part out about how my client's company poisoned the local groundwater or you're gonna have to deal with some really annoying edits.")

Lastly, here's an article from Bicycling that makes all those flat repair tips and training "hacks" seem like Pulitzer material:

Wow.  I'm looking forward to the review of the new Rapha bib short liner, for the rider who doesn't want to interrupt that "epic" in order to answer the call of nature:


The line between chamois cream and diaper rash cream has always been a thin one, and I think cycling may have finally reached the point where it's disappeared entirely.

79 comments:

Ted K. said...

THE FUTURE
171. But suppose now that industrial society does survive the next several decades and that the bugs do eventually get worked out of the system, so that it functions smoothly. What kind of system will it be? We will consider several possibilities.

Grump said...

When you gotta go, you have to find a spot that is infested with 10 million mosquitos. That makes the job of intestinal distress even more fun.

BamaPhred said...

Can it be? Second Loser and I read it? I coulda been a contenda!

BamaPhred said...

I may have to wear a diaper one day, but it won't be because I won't want to interrupt my "epic" for an "epic"

le Correcteur said...

Top ten; thought it was yesterday's post that I hadn't read yet. Coulda been first!

Anonymous said...

top ten ya scrotium scratchers.

Freddy Murcks said...

Missed the podio becuase I read the post. Dammit. I am so angry, I am going to go out and intentionally get doored by an automobile driver.

Freddy Murcks said...

Having to take a mid-ride shit is best avoided. Having a damp shammy pressed into your scranus is bad enough without adding the shit residue from your ass that you had to wipe with a handful of dried leaves. Sadly, I can speak from experience on this issue.

JLRB said...

I was just catching up on yesterday and found out it is today.

N/A said...

SALT FLAT SKIDZZZZZZZ.

Anonymous said...

Contact Chris Cicero at SmarterWiki, 40 Broad St, 347-535-4300

Gary van der Merwe said...

237 km/h

Unknown said...

Newest trend: Salt Bike.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

@ Freddy Murcks 10:34 -Agreed.

I can also attest from experience that with the leaves from a corn stalk one should only wipe in one direction. Do a test wipe on your arm to be sure the orientation of the leaf is correct. It's basically a giant blade of grass and very slippery in one direction. Not so much the other way.

Scranus.

Billy said...

I'm really excited to consider the possible systems of a future bug-free industrial society.

Anonymous said...

Not relevant to today's post but relevant to WCRMC in general, last night I went to a bicycle advocacy presentation. There was a microphone for the audience that, prior to starting a man had been letting his 4-ish year old son entertain himself with at our expense. This continued after the presentation started with the child running away from the mic and to the stage when his father tried to corral him.

So what? Well the kids name was Alex. The first time (of several hundred times that night) I heard the father say "no Alex", I had a flashback to Philly which is where I went to another talk about bikes, by The Snob, who ended up sharing the stage with a 4-ish year old who's parent had no control. The child's name Alex.

Stop naming your children Alex, maybe they wont need a leash.

N/A said...

Does a cyclist shit in the woods? Strava has a new KOS category.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anon 12:00pm,

Where was this? Could be same kid...?

--Wildcat Etc.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

If a driver tells the police a cyclist swung a bike lock they'll make an arrest, but if a driver tries to hit a cyclist with a minivan [strike>they'll let the driver go<strike] they can't be bothered to even talk to the driver if the driver didn't actually hit the cyclist. Fixed it for you.

#whatpressureyourunninonsalt?

Is it just coincidental that maximum drafting Frederica Woo Hoo Hoo speed is 101 mph greater than Fred Woo Hoo Hoo speed? I bet Old Man Mile a Minute Murphy wasn't towed by the LIRR train to get to his terminal velocity. The article doesn't say at what speed the Frederica's tow from the SUV is disconnected. Was it disconnected at 140 mph, 150 mph, 100 mph? All we know is that the tow is for the first mile of the salt flats. Was the co-pilot of the SUV going for the Invisible Man or Racer X look? And of course the SUV had to be a Range Rover!

Anonymous said...

IHVPA/Battle Mountain is this week:
http://www.recumbents.com/wisil/whpsc2016/speedchallenge.htm

No pace vehicles.

Shit Disterber said...

Would I take a dump in my shorts while riding? Well that depends...

BooBoo said...

Forest litter, corn stalk leaves, pfffft!
What is the efficacy of the gold standard, the corn cob?

Comment deleted said...

It was only a matter of time before this blog included adult diaper wearers. Are there no depths of depravity yet unplumbed by BSNYC?

Eric the Infrequent said...

Testes.

Anonymous said...

More justice evaded: http://cyclistchic.com/?p=39567


California Drivers License: License to Kill!

McFly said...

I've been in a demented condition for several years.

McFly said...

No land speed records for this lass but I bet hearts are racing.

bad boy of the north said...

I'll bet that babble on her bee bike,would be even faster.

Dick Breaks said...

McFly - That Fredette looks like she spends way more time posing for pictures with her bike than she does actually riding her bike. I'd take Tracey Hannah, for instance, a million times over that silly ass little Fredette.

McFly said...

Cool that one is a Mountin' Fredette.

janinedm said...

Let's not pit Fredericas against each other, both are wasting their lives. Let's not pretend that there's a professional cyclist in the world who wouldn't be better off using their life force to do just about anything else.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Takeaway message from today's post:

It's a major faux pas to leave a bowl-winder in the middle of the singletrack trail.

Who knew?

Chris"Mussolini"cicero said...

https://mobile.twitter.com/chriscicero

Check out my recipe for meatballs floating around the internet. Not only am I a fan of racism, but stereotypes as well.

leroy said...

I knew it!

I spent the last hour watching, re-watching, and watching again that speed record video and not once does Ms. Mueller call out "on your left."

My dog owes me $5.

And I'm not going double or nothing on whether the co-pilot was doing an homage to Claude Rains as Dr. Jack Griffin in "The Invisible Man."

dop said...

I wouldn't eat meatballs that ha been floating around the internet.

(I would, however, drink a smoothie mixed by riding down Lex)

N/A said...

Does Ms. Mueller's bike have a bell on it?

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob, I think you need to do an in-depth review of taking a dump while riding and cycling diapers. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Rough story about the 18 year old kid getting assaulted and then arrested. WTF? Hopefully that fuck Chris Cicero will get some kind of karmic retribution because you know the NYPD is not going to do shit. He sounds like a classy guy.

N/A said...

If you get a really good waxing on your scranal/vulvanal regions, then smear a thick layer of chamois cream all over everything, then no matter what kind of hot mess slides across your saddle you can pedal worry-free!

Spokey said...

Freddy Murcks at 10:34

problem easily solved. carry an almost done roll of TP in a sandwich bag. i keep mine in the front pocket of my handlebar bag. that with the nitrile gloves i mentioned to helen, you're all set.

N/A said...

If you don't have any chamois cream, you can spray some Pam down there and the shit slides right off!

Anonymous said...

236.57357

R2D2.

Spokey said...


crimminy

ted's post today was so short i accidentally read it.

Freddy Murcks said...

Spokey - I guess that's good info, but I usually prefer to shit before leaving the house so I don't have to worry about stuff like that. The only time it has been a problem for me is one time when I was suffering the ill effects of eating nothing but beans and rice for a week. Let's just say that all that fiber really did it's job.

Spokey said...


freddy

of course. and that works most of the time. i got in the habit because it definitely comes in handy when you're say days in to working your way through idaho. so i just keep the roll in the bag.

CommieCanuck said...

I know that Cicero guy, according to Wikipedia, he is a Roman philosopher, politician, lawyer, orator, political theorist, consul, and constitutionalist. And, he'll write fake Wikipedia entries for you.
I hired him to write BSNYC comments from me over the summer. I need to keep up with my fans on social(ist) media.

As for the Rapha diapers, not really necessary, there's a good reason why all downtubes are hollow, see SheldonBrown.com

N/A said...

Man, this comment section has really gone down the crapper.

CommieCanuck said...

Are there no depths of depravity yet unplumbed by BSNYC?

So far nothing about goat/sheep sex or the Federal election.

DONT RUMP

Anonymous said...

Love that the pace car driver(and slide kick) had on as much or more safety gear as our new world's fastest Frederica.

Very Slim Pickens said...

147 Whoa! Babble will try and break that record on Vancouv's steepest hill. Thank god for the Canada's health care for all system, that all advanced societies have.

I saw one of those Putin Country videos of a "vehicle" going down the road completely covered in hay, a moving hay stack (driven by Comrade Haystacks Calhoun?), so a car can be a concealed weapon.

So the Chastity Belt was fastened round his waist; maybe he made vulgar thrusting gestures at good old Cicero, who doesn't sound like the sharpest tool in the smart shed.

When you've got to go, you've got to go. Hello I must be going. - Capt. Spaulding

NYT today on Italy's Fertility Day, hey babe let's get Pregnant, campaign that has been ejaculated prematurely after protests. Cipo volunteered to donate enough sperm for the whole nation with enough left over to be bottled and sold as pure Italian Oil.

Lot's Wife, old man Lot was more interested in his daughters. Rub-a-Dub Dub, dad and two daughters in a tub. The Met has a painting of them frolicking around in some bubble bath. It all looks very innocent which was also the name of a bunch of Popes (coincidence only).

Old Man Lot, Father of various Kardashians said...

"Let's not pit Fredericas against each other, both are wasting their lives. Let's not pretend that there's a professional cyclist in the world who wouldn't be better off using their life force to do just about anything else."

Janine - that's deep shit (may the force be with you)

NJ Transit said...

Murphy going almost 60 MPH, what a crock, no LIRR train in history has ever gone anywhere near 60MPH.

Travis Bickle said...

You lookin at my passenger side air bag? Hey, you lookin at me?

Anonymous said...

I think the pace car driver is looking back thinking - "what happens if I lock up the brakes"

bad boy of the north said...

So,that's the straight poop,huh?

Spokey said...


slip streaming that car is just so bogus. why not just tie a rope and be honest about it.

Friends Romans and Donald Campaigners said...

Google image of Chris Cicero shows a guy with spiked hair wearing a red tie. Red tie, GOP'ers always with the foul language and punching cyclists in the face.

Anonymous said...

I've been cereal pooping those hills for years. Doesn't anybody else keep a few squares of TP in there ziplock baggy Fred wallet?

RayG said...

When you've got to take a dump, and there is only short grass all around you, you'll be glad you're wearing long-fingered gloves.

I wonder if a passing nomad found them or the yaks ate them?

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Wow, 1500 gear / inches. I bet zhe woulda hit 150 if she wasn't dragging a poopy diaper.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leon "hold the diaper" Trotsky said...


Friends Romans and Donald Campaigners

Maybe in your bizarro universe. In this universe the "reds" are the lefties and commies. The spiked hair should have been a "red" give away.

Anonymous said...

I had to do the two on 4 or 5 rides in the past year. Bibs are not your friend in this situation, nor is the wide open prairie.

I'm pretty sure it was caused by one of my formerly favorite pre-ride breakfasts, a big plate of scrambled eggs (3 - 4 eggs). I stopped eating that before a ride, no more problems.

David G said...

Another example of how motor-vehicle-intensive competitive cycling (or whatever this is) is.

For a real land-speed record, you have to do it again right away in the opposite direction, to cancel out the wind, and then average the times. I guess since this exercise was about manufacturing the maximum artificial tailwind, there would have been no point to that here.

Altogether rather silly. I hope the E.T. in the passenger seat gets exposed to some more worthwhile human culture on her visit before heading back to Area 51.

David G said...

Last night I saw one of those plaintiffs lawyer TV ads, but this one was all about how it is against the law to open a car door into the path of a cyclist.

The point of the ad, of course, was to get injured, doored cyclists as clients, but I think it may be useful as a PSA, since no one seems to know this aspect of traffic law.

MrLobstermash said...

South Australia trying to make up some anti-cycling ground on New South Wales: A Councillor in Adelaide almost ran over a small child on a bike and an alleged bike ninja, therefore all Australians must be forced to wear high vis when riding a bike: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-09-14/adelaide-council-calls-for-bike-riders-to-wear-hi-vis/7840982

Tinkoff's outfit is probably sufficiently high-vis for the Tour Down Under, so at least PSag will comply...

Dooth said...

Scat 2 happens.

Less Is More said...

On the topic of leaving no trace, this article came to late for the Oregon Outback.
http://www.oregonbikepacking.com/the-death-of-the-oregon-outback/

Anonymous said...

Poopee in my bum bum hole. #whatdiaperyourunning

Wipe out said...

What the hell ever happened to them long johns with the trap door in the back?

21st Century Cave Art said...

At least you had some fancy leaves and not pine needles...

babble on said...

David G - And it has planted the seed of an evil idea in the minds of many otherwise oblivious murderin' motorists, which will compound his interests.

Slim Pickens- funny you should say that. Mum says my first concussion happened before I was even nine months of age. Armed with wheels in one of those now illegal baby walkers I noticed that the basement door was actually open and took a running leap. Oh, and I learned a new word this year. Can you say ictal bradycardia asystole seizures, boys and girls? Add a bit of oxygen deprivation and a few shocks to the system... oh year, and a Royal Canadian Fucktonne of Radiation via CT scan, too, just cause you can. I'm a walking talking miracle of science and medicine. it's a bloody miracle that I live and breathe. I'm a testament to 'better living through chemistry,' a bone fide professional helmet tester. The dopers' dope, the pharmaceutical dupe. Man, I was RAISED on valium, and morphine, too. Seriously. I kid you not. Years of those Benzo's though,. I kicked it at eight. Suddenly and without warning. Whew! Never saw that one coming. Fuuuuuuuuck.

Still here. Nobody who knew me then would ever have dared expect it, yet Against All Odds, ta daaaaaa! :-D

Worse luck, though. The dumb stuck. Every day I want to ride, to go as fast as these legs will take me, faster than ever they've gone before. I want to fly, and some days I really do.
It's the Best. Drug. Ever.

janinedm said...

I've never gone #2 on a ride because my favorite pre-ride breakfast is oatmeal and what I call go-go juice: chocolate flavored whey isolate protein, skim milk, and 2 tbs of instant coffee. You WILL poop before you leave home. It's not a big breakfast so I usually have to bring a meat bar or 2.

BamaPhred said...

What kind of wasteland do you people ride in? This is Alabama, and I do believe there is a mom and pop or convenience store at every intersection. One time I was told that "you people" couldn't use the restroom, and was directed to go in the woods. It was only 5 miles from home, so I sphinctered up and made it to the house. You people, indeed, and all because I was on a bike. I got no complaint when I went back in the Ford Beast.

McFly said...

Seems like if I'm rolling from the hacienda in the a.m. the pooh always hits about the time I get all kitted out. Always a big un with at least 5 or 6 rest segments.

sTONEdEADLAND said...

Ah yes, rest rings, it's been a while!

Mo Dough said...

Hillary Clinton collapsed after doing a century of fund raising Sunday. In the heat and humidity hauling those duffle bags full of cash pushes her Max VO2 to the limit.

babble on said...

Heh. Yep, you gotta love those meat bars. :)

Yep, I'm with you when it comes to breakfast fuel, Janine. Love cooking the large flake oats in full fat milk to give it that bottom end in protien. And yes to the whey protien isolates, too!

You've gotta love those multi-egg and lotsa cheese, high fat mega protien hits, but I figure they're always best last meal of the day, or pre-bedtime snack. That when the resting body gets busy building and rebuilding muscle, right? Only good time to eat carbs is when you need fuel. Unless you're trying to put on a pound or two, that is.

MrLobstermash said...

@BamaPhred, in all fairness, given the reputation of pro-cyclists, they might have thought you'd run a bag of blood or something...