Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Today's post will be short but sweet, or at least short.

First of all, I'm sorry to report I performed dismally on the New York Times's "Do you speak Australian?" quiz:


In my defense, not only were there no helmet-related questions, but also every single phrase sounded like either a sex act or a slang term for the genitals:

I mean come on.

Secondly, meet Shoka:



Shoka is not an Australian slang term for the genitals.  Soka is of course the world's first handlebar-mounted smart cheese grater:



Or maybe it's a bell, I can't be sure.

Either way, like every other "smart" device for bicycles (smart helmets, smart locks, smart lights, etc., yada yada, and so forth), it has lots of functions in addition to the one (1) you actually need it to perform.  Furthermore, in addition to all of these auxiliary features being highly unnecessary, it's extremely unlikely that any of them will actually work:

(Disclaimer: I may have added some of these features.)

Indeed, even the bell function doesn't work, because instead of emitting the pleasant metallic chime recognizable the world over as the sound of an oncoming cyclist, it instead makes your bicycle sound like R2-D2 for some reason:

These aren't the Freds you're looking for.

Anyway, I have no doubt this ingeniously ambiguous gizmo is going to make its inventor, about whose name there is nothing even remotely funny or suggestive, so you shouldn't laugh at it, an extremely rich man:


By the way, check out Daniel Falus's huge lock:


Hey, it's a really big lock, that's all I'm saying.

Lastly, further to yesterday's post, the San Diego PD clearly knows a good social media opportunity when they see one:
And for one glorious yet fleeting moment, Heath Evans's Wikipedia entry was delightfully accurate:

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

68 comments:

Swood said...

Podio!

Bryan Bracy said...

podium

N/A said...

I often find myself in need of a little grated parm when I'm out for a ride.

crosspalms said...

Waiting for TedK. That guy is so slow

N/A said...

Daniel Falus has a huge lock because he's compensating for his short handlebar.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

top dix

N/A said...

A "bunny rug" is a merkin for the Playboy Playmates. They were quite popular well into the 1980s, as an exceedingly full bush was the style of the time. Hugh Hefner had specific requirements for his centerfolds, and if the ladies didn't have a lush patch, the rug was used for the photos.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Cyclist to Mr. Falus: Is that a Shoko in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Mr. Falus: No. Iz neizzer. Iz only my Falus.

Anonymous said...

You know what's HILARIOUS to your fellow summer campers? Living on Fallis Rd in Loveland, Oh.

Sax Huret said...

Today's post was rife with logical phallusies, and it was only a short one. Maybe it is actually about the motion of the ocean?

crosspalms said...

Babble,
Is axe-throwing really a thing in Canada?

Matt said...

No disrespect to Mr. Falus, but that Shoka thinggee is pretty lame. But he's obviously not from 'around here', maybe it somehow makes sense where he lives (guessing Europe, somewhere cyclists aren't hunted-down and killed with no remorse, and where pedestrians would smile at you for using that very odd bell). He should come to the US and ride for a while, maybe he'd then invent something useful, such as a handlebar-mount EMP-gun (sorry if the word 'gun' makes it sound scary, I could have said 'unit' but that sounds even scarier). The EMP gun would send a directional EMP pulse at a car, frying all it's electronics and shutting it down instantly (thus maybe saving a cyclists life). As a bonus, it could be used to fry the entire audio system of those super loud thumping bass systems in a car that you can hear from 17 cars away even while driving. I'd buy one of those.

Spokey said...


bakey dozen

Spokey said...

i'm thinkin that rather than spend a fuck-o-ing $160 'merican on this thing (i was shoko-ed at the price), i'll continue to use my free bell (or $1.99 whistle from campmor) and waze on my cell phone.

streepo said...

scranus

Freddy Murcks said...

I wonder if Heath Evans is still telling himself the Jesus hates cyclists too.

Anonymous said...

I gotta get me a smart bell for my folding electric fat bike!!!

(Does being connected to smart phone make something smart? I see a lot of people that are always connected to their phones, and it doesn't seem to be working for them.)

Old timer said...

Huh? What?

Freddy Murcks said...

Anon @11:57 - Does Heath Evans think he is 'smart' if his ear is connected to his cell phone? Because I am betting that he is dumber than a bag of hammers regardless.

N/A said...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not go disparaging sacks of hammers. They are useful to people.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Does Heath E(va)n(s) think is the real question? But someone is keeping tabs on his Wikipedia page.

bad boy of the north said...

what a "dumb" bell!...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

What the heck is a motiongation?

Seattle lone wolf said...

"These aren't the Freds you're looking for." :-P

Dathon said...

Shoka, when the walls fell.

Tony the Tiger said...

I like those Shoka things. They're Grate!!!

Seattle lone wolf said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The good Xtian said...

You keyboard warriors still harrassing good Christians? If Heath was Muslim you'd be asking him to run you over.

grog said...

ding-a-ling
scranus

Grump said...

Every phrase in Australian can be used as slang for a sex act.
That's just the way they are. It's best just not to say anything when you are in the land of helments.

HAMR TIME said...

Every problem seems like a sack of nails these days.

Spokey said...


had an ok time with the motorists today.

however, as i was riding along minding everyone else's business one of those huge professional landscaping mowers (with driver attached of course) came roaring out of the grass onto the shoulder. Almost knocked me into US 206 traffic but managed to stop in time. those things can stop pretty quick though. i think he actually locked up the wheels as i thought i hears a slight wheel squeal.

i didn't think about it until i was down the road a few hundred yards and was too lazy to go back and check for sure but in the ultimate irony i think it was a funeral home being mowed. they could have just rolled me back off the road across the nicely mowed lawn and into a casket.

Spokey said...


guess i'm still all shook up as i read the above atrocious grammar.

wle said...

shoka, shkrota, whats the dif:?

dim headlight, faint bell, lame navigation, $$$$$$, bad cheese grater, what;s not to hate!?

i have a bunch of pre-recordings too:

GET OVER!!
WHATSWRONGWITHYOU?
IDIOT

i am a lot louder than some battery powered 3" speaker

wle

Captain Oblivious said...


cipo told me his 3" speaker was a lot louder than you

JLRB to said...

Shoka firl's ass was worth the view but the. Mr falius sines into frame and ruins the mood - like bad porn

JLRB said...

Girl not firl

Where is spell check when you need it? At the donut shop

Dave said...

Matt at 11:14 -

Great minds think alike - I would definitely give to a Kickstarter for the EMP-gun. Item from a faux-catalog I put together a while back:

From SmartCrap.com: The Silence BombTM. Unlike conventional noise suppressers, which merely cancel sound by inverted feedback, the Silence BombTM kills noise pollution at the source. When your neighbor Rodrigo cruises by in his rotting ’77 Dodge Dart, with the bass from his speakers causing birds to drop from the sky stone dead, this device homes in on the source and from a roof-mounted dish-antenna emits a focused pulse of EMF radiation that fries every circuit in his car to a nice crispy brown. The only sound then will be your diabolical chuckling as he leaps from his flaming heap. Requires 1000-amp feed - check local codes. Will not cause cancer if used as directed. D.O.D. permit included. $24,999.99.

Vote Key Party said...

Shoka bell looks more like a personal shaver than a cheese grater. How useful would that be? Also quite the advertisement to those who know.

bieks said...

Fortunately, with minimal wiki skills, I found the page in the Edit section of Evans' page. Didn't stay up long. Who keeps track of these things? Anyway, good for a snicker for those in the know. Guess he thought the crusades were about liberating the holy land from the cyclists.

Anonymous said...

@Dathon,

Darmok, his arms wide

(oh Lob I'm a nerd, sobs pitifully)

1904 Cadardi said...

Not sure if personal shaver fits under the "Motiongation", "a Thing" or "and Much More" category. The pictograms are a little confusing.

Dooth said...

Every time the hot Shoka model dismounted (and blessed us with her yummyness) the narrator said, "take it home with you."

Jenni G said...

"Fleeting moment," eh. Check the page again. I'm too lazy to look up the html for images.

JLRB said...

And Snob - plug in your phone for Heath's sake - you're down to 18%...

P. Bateman said...

i once edited the Paddington the Bear wiki page to suggest that he had died of marmalaids.

i thought it was funny. i guess the wiki powers that be did not.

N/A said...

A "fleeting moment" is that brief period of warning you get right before your bowels turn loose due to the glycerin suppository taking effect.

bieks said...

7/10. Packin my bags and headin down undah. Oi.

babble on said...

Ok, so what ARE the answers to the Oz quiz, anyhoo? A baby blanket and wine?? Guess I fail the Tuesday funkwizz...

Crosspalms -OMFG. Can you imagine the fun and games after you've had a couple of drinks??? Heh. I originally read it "ass throwing" which actually sounds like something you might be able to do up here in Trump's Toupee. Er, and it also speaks volumes about where my head is (always) at. I dunno, though. I always win at lazer tag, so it would take a pretty amazing axe throwing party to turn me into a convert.

leroy said...

You ever notice how it's always "more cowbell" and never "more cheese grater"?

It's funny because it's true.

Nullifyer said...

There's nothing original anymore. Back in 2013 there was the Orp Smart Horn.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2008278958/orp-smart-horn-smorn?ref=nav_search

It looks a lot like the Shoka only nicer.

Hugh Janus, Expert Motorist said...

Ok, you bike-riding turds are welcome on my highway....as long as you look and behave like Ms. Shoka. Otherwise, Piss Off.

The Paper Boy said...

Wikipedia edit, classic work,
Gold Snobbie! Gold!

P. Bateman said...

your wife is a highway and i wanna ride it all night long.

babble on said...

I'll give Ms Shoka a ride for her money, and I'll keep on giving, too, cause I love Mike Hunt, and I love every woman who honors hers the way the lovely (if anonymous??) Ms Shoka does.

What the ACTUAL fuck??? I was set upon by five guys tonight, pawing at me and pulling at my shorts. I thought I lost a couple of teeth in my bid to escape, but sore and loose as they are, they're still in situ, blessed be. But it was terrifying. I would have been a gonner if it weren't for good ole Bea bike and a stiletto heel, which both helped me make my getaway. I ended up with a bloody face, a black eye, a swollen and profusely bleeding lip, a scraped and still bleeding knee, and worst of all, a sense of fear and insecurity in my own neighbourhood, and why?? Dunno. You tell me.

Couple of days ago a man came to my door looking for a whore!! Apparently the guys at the bar down the road told him where I live. I've never even set foot into that bar, but they felt that they had the right to send men to me looking for sex. Why?? Because I am an openly sexual woman, and apparently a lot of men can't handle that. So today, I asked one of the men who work there what the fuck was going on, and he said "You're being too negative. We told him it would cost him $1000/hr! Don't think of it as an insult, think of it as an opportunity."

Opportunity indeed. Yet if a woman is openly sexual, well, she has ASKED FOR IT. Asked for what?? Gang rape?? Murder?? What the actual fuck?? A man who is sexual is just seeking an outlet for his natural urges but a woman who is sexual is asking to DIE?? Bullshit.

THAT's precisely what's wrong with our world. LOVE is the only law, and if you honestly LOVE a woman, she is far more likely to conceive, because of the way a woman's uterus in orgasm picks up sperm and brings them closer to the egg and thus closer to conception. AND what the actual fuck do you know??? OMG, can you believe it?? A woman's body is capable of creating life. CREATING LIFE. How much closer to GOD can you get?

Any religion (hello white boy) that celebrates God the father and God the son, yet makes no mention of God the mother is evil incarnate. Any religion that decries feminine sexuality is ass fucking backwards. Oh!! what do you know?? That's every organized religion on the face of the planet, Every fucking one of them has it all wrong. Did you hear that?? You've got it All Fucking Wrong, Mr Heathen Evans. You've got it ass fucking backwards is what you've done. Jesus was cavorting with prostitutes, so how the fuck DARE you denunciate the more vulnerable amongst us? YOU're the one who has it all wrong. How the fuck is it that you think you OWN the fucking roads when you are only borrowing time on this planet which gave birth to you, which feeds you and nurtures you, despite your evil, soul sucking, gas fracking motorcar driving entitled fucking attitudes??? YOU, who are taking out a mortgage on your children's children's future every time you fill your fucking car, DARE to look down your nose, DARE to threaten those of us actually working to right the wrongs you and your SILENT, stooooopid bum-fucking buddies at the NFL so blithely promote??

DONE. I'm done with this shit.

That's it. Done. Finito. I'm so fucking fed up with this nonfuckingsense. Well beyond done with it. It's time for a revolution, starting right the fuck now.

Love is the law. It's the only law, and it starts with this planet, the one and only MOTHER we all call home. If you aren't on board, you can go fuck yourself, because your time is up, dumbass.

babble on said...

K, I'm down off the adrenalin rush now. But still icing my poor swollen face.

Wle- right?! Telling em how to go forth and multiply with themselves in a loud voice has saved my ass many times over.

Heh. And just the other day, a late model BMW went speeding by at easily twice the speed limit, and when I noticed the girl behind the wheel looking into her lap, I turned on my phone and opened the camera. At the next set of lights, I made a point of calling her out - quite loudly!-' for the genius she is, as I filmed her. It happened on second avenue alongside Olympic Village, so there were a lot of people who head me and turned to stare at her. She turned several shades of red, dropped her phone, and took the next right.

Spokey- yikes. Glad you escaped unscathed.

Anonymous said...

Any chance for a product placement helment test? Its been a couple of weeks and I mst consume accessories. (CAPTCHA knows what I need: "choose the images with a storefront")

BamaPhred said...

Great Jumping Jehosphat, Babble! Yer a tough girly grrl, and that's a compliment! The behavior of some people is just utterly rephrehensible. I'm sure if your file a police report nothing will be done, even if you can identify your attackers. You need a spring loaded spike in those stilletos. I think I saw that in a movie one time. Pretty, and lethal.

bad boy of the north said...

holy shit,ms.babble!what the lob?i hope the local police and mounties are getting your report.like bamafred said,you're a toughie.you'll heal.someone needs to get some kind of protection....and then get any videos that may have been taken from any surveillance cameras.....sorry,babble.we are here for you......

leroy said...

You know, Babs, when I encourage folks to ride safe all, that includes you, right?

Hope you are as okay as can be under the circumstances!

And I hope the dumbasses responsible are caught.

N/A said...

I'm glad you're OK enough to be posting with us, Ms. Babs. I hope you got a few good shots in on those fuck-os.

Rodney Redneck said...

Babs, every once in a while, our open-carry gun laws and sue everybody for everything habits don't seem so crazy after all, huh?

crosspalms said...

Babble, sorry to hear about you being attacked! Hope the police catch the creeps and hope you heal.

janinedm said...

Jesus, babs. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad you had your bike. Women underestimate the value of a quick and maneuverable means of egress. The good news and the bad news, is that it really didn't matter whether you're a sex positive woman. If you dressed like a member of the FLDS church the psychos at the bar might just have easily made it their business to "loosen you up." So, you know, don't try to look for reasons, some people just need shooting (USA) or criminal prosecution (the Canada version). Don't even waste time on analysis of your own behavior it's a red herring. No one asks burglary victims if it was a good idea to own nice things. When people shoplift, no one asks the store's manager if it was really necessary to have all their wares out. It's on the criminal to not be a fucking criminal.

JLRB said...

Sheet Babs - both of those events are awful! I hope you planted your heel in the bartenders nuts and charged him $1,000 for it. Do you think the two events are related? Love is the answer, but mace can be useful

babble on said...

You guys rock. Janine? Thank you. You are one smart cookie, and gorgeous inside and out, too. I was incensed when he tried to tell me I was just being negative, that I should be flattered instead of disturbed....

No, I don't see the two incidents as related, though it IS remarkable how quickly that which I feared most nearly came to pass.

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MrLobstermash said...

I'm Australian, and even I got rurasexual wrong. That's NOT a thing. If anything, it'd be used to describe a farmer who really, really likes their animals...