Monday, August 22, 2016

I'm back, and as usual everything went to hell while I was gone.

Imagine a world without sports.

Sure, without sports we wouldn't have watery beer, stadium boondoggles, or sweatpants as casual wear.  Then again, we might also have fewer media outlets for people like this guy, who wants to hit cyclists with his car:
Bicycle riders you do not own the road! Respectfully, Heath (I wanna hit you w/ my car) Evans.

Wow.

As a dedicated non-fan of the NFL and ball sports in general (pocket pool excluded) I didn't know who Heath Evans was, so I looked him up on a popular user-edited online encyclopedia:

Evans is well known for his Christianity...

Figures.

I also checked his Twitter bio:

10 Yr NFL Veteran & Analyst for @NFLNETWORK Don't dish it if you can't take it! 

Alas, I guess he dished it out but he couldn't take it, because he subsequently deleted his tweet and issued something that bears the same relationship to an apology as his shriveled 'roid nuts do to actual testicles:


Oh please.  You didn't mean to offend anybody when you said you wanted to hit them with your car the same way I don't want you to experience any pain when someone dressed as Jesus shoves a football up your ass.

Speaking of Jesus, what indignity could possibly have prompted his murderous outburst?  Yep, you guessed it, he had to slow down for some cyclists while driving once:


I'm not a Bible scholar so perhaps noted Christian heath Evans can remind me: Which is the gospel where Jesus gets really angry because some slow-moving lepers are holding up his donkey ride into Jerusalem?


It also shouldn't surprise you to learn that between his initial tweet and his retraction he explained that he thought that cyclists belong on the sidewalk:


You know, because it's safer for EVERYONE:


I realize this guy's probably taken many blows to the head over the years, but does he really think that would work out well for pedestrians?

Actually, it looks like he lives in Florida, so he's probably never even seen a pedestrian.

Speaking of "sports analysts," check out this she-bro driving in the bike lane:


She really should just drive on the sidewalk, that would be safer for EVERYONE.

By the way, this is someone who writes for Sports Illustrated.  SPORTS FUCKING ILLUSTRATED!  How does that even still exist in 2016?  The entire enterprise is entirely subsidized by an annual softcore porn issue for the rapidly diminishing number of horny teenagers and old men who still don't have Internet access:


But sure, why shouldn't she get to drive in the bike lane so she can crank out the filler they publish the rest of the year?

Lastly, for my fellow New Yorkers, here's your regular reminder that you're on your own:



Thanks to a civil suit filed by the family, information surfaced that NYPD never collected in its crash investigation. In her deposition, Venedam said she had gotten off the highway to call a friend and check her location on Google Maps, which remained open in her passenger seat as she merged back onto the highway.

The lawyer for Brenner’s estate, Daniel Flanzig, told DNA that this information was critical to Judge Regina Rinaldi’s decision and blasted NYPD for its “completely insufficient” investigation.

It's great to be back.

78 comments:

Anonymous said...

yesssss, scrotium!!!

Kraig said...

Ah yes, silver is a man's best friend

streepo said...

scranus

Anonymous said...

Post reminds me of a Garrison Keillor bit about a kid who wants to get a car. His mom says okay if kid gets a haircut. Kid says the apostles had long hair. Mom retorts, "and they walked everywhere they went."

Chazu said...

You took time off to compete in the BMX event in Rio, didn't you?

Ted K. said...

164. Don’t imagine that the systems will stop developing further techniques for controlling human beings and nature once the crisis of the next few decades is over and increasing control is no longer necessary for the system’s survival. On the contrary, once the hard times are over the system will increase its control over people and nature more rapidly, because it will no longer be hampered by difficulties of the kind that it is currently experiencing. Survival is not the principal motive for extending control. As we explained in paragraphs 87-90, technicians and scientists carry on their work largely as a surrogate activity; that is, they satisfy their need for power by solving technical problems. They will continue to do this with unabated enthusiasm, and among the most interesting and challenging problems for them to solve will be those of understanding the human body and mind and intervening in their development. For the “good of humanity,” of course.

N/A said...

I just learned about this SI nonsense this morning. What the hell is wrong with people?

N/A said...

I noticed another bikeen blog that I peruse has also covered the tweeters of these two dicks. I'm hoping that riders will take a moment to tweet @nflnetwork (Heath Evan's employer) and @SInow (employer of the other dick) and ask if these employees are good representatives of their companies' opinions. If these comments and behaviors make NFL Network and Sports Illustrated proud of these employees.

Dooth said...

It's a fact mostly known by bible scholars, but Jesus quarterbacked his apostles to victory over the heavily favored Romans in a game of touch football. Naturally, the game was won on a Hail Mary pass.

Joseph Morley said...

The Jesus football line is gold Jerry!

BikeSnobNYC said...

N/A,

I'd say they both represent their respective organizations perfectly.

--Wildcat Etc.

Anonymous said...

NH, top ten

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Turd-tenth, now to read

babble on said...

I hadn't heard about that SI twat till this morning, either, but yesterday I challenged HeathWhoShovedThisFootballUpMyAssEvans to a month on a bykecycle. Shockingly, I've heard back neither from Mr Evans, nor from the NFL. I'd say he encapsulates the organization's attitude quite succinctly. After all, who buys more football tickets and SI issues than pickup driving rednecks, anyhoo?

Freddy Murcks said...

Heath Evans likes to ass rape small children. He was on his way to an ass raping session when a cyclist slowed him down, which is why he was so upset. His tiny, shriveled dick was about to get "some" and a couple of two-wheelers caused him to be delayed. Normally, he would have used the delay to jerk off by the side of the road, but he's been arrested for indecent exposure one too many times.

By the way, I encourage everybody here to use the Twitter to send Heath messages telling him what a fuck face he is and how his non-apology proves that he's an asshole.

babble on said...

Oops. What an insult to twats that was. Twats rock, but entitled, murderous motorists are the lowest of dirtbag scum sucking schmegma.

babble on said...

Heh. Did that yesterday, Mr Murks, in spades. He still defends his tweet as a fucking funnyhaha joke. He's the fucking joke.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

How can someone named Hearhen even be a Christian?

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

I meant Heathen!

Dooth said...

Jesus said, "a driver's Christianity flys out the window when delayed by a cyclist...John 4:20."

babble on said...

You see? it's not so simple, describing an excuse for humanity like Mr Evans. Twats rock an even an asshole is useful, but murderous, Heathen motorists? Not so much. Dunno about down there in the Donald's Denture, but up here in Trump's Toupe, the threat of assault IS assault. I asked the heathen shit-bag how it felt to be a felon, too, but again, still no reply...

bad boy of the north said...

ewww...you said smegma..(schmegma)

babble on said...

Can't. Spell. :)
Sure, I said it, but he IS it.

Freddy Murcks said...

Keep Tweeting, Babble. I don't know how Twitter works (maybe he has a filter or something), but I hope he at least has to see and delete the tweets that tell him what a pathetic man-child he is. A response from him or his morally bankrupt employer may be too much to hope for.

The King of Park Slope said...

Love how sports illustrated guy's twitter thread devolves into spat over whether jogging strollers belong in bike lane.

People suck.

Grantland Rice said...

There is a difference between sports, sports writers/broadcasters, and the mega corporations the writers/broadcasters work for.

But if you really hate sports, this is for you.

babble on said...

I think that you can set it to only show the tweets you approve, or the tweets from people you're following, or something. Used to be my tweets wouldn't show up on the CBC morning edition account, or the accounts of a couple of hosts and producers I followed, but once they followed me, my tweets were posted, so make of it what you will. Our esteemed host, Mr Snobi Wan, has probably already forgotten more about the mechanics of the Twitterer than I could ever hope to understand.

Bromptonaut said...

Off topic, but I've just landed back in Eric the Chamferer's 'hood from a trip to Canada (Ms Babble, I did so want to arrange to meet you, but schedules, blah blah - OK, I was with my wife, so I wasn't allowed to. I kept a eye out for your SPD-stillettos during our mandatory tourist hired-bike ride around Stanley Park on Saturday afternoon, though. You live in a beautiful city.)

Anyhow, we visited Vancouver Art Museum and what did I discover in the museum shop alongside the First Nation carvings and fine art catalogues? Nothing other than the BSNYC Journal - a 2013 publication that offers the opportunity to compile your very own book of sarcastic observations on cycling life even if you don't have access to a computer or the internet. A work of pure genius by WCRM, as there is less original content in it than in a daily blog post, but the cover price is US$12.95. I don't recall any of your subliminal advertising for this little beauty, which would be a perfect gift for anyone who doesn't want a book filled with nonsense about cycling, as it doesn't really contain anything at all apart from a few humorous bike-related quotes and a couple of quizzes at the back which you could easily tear out if they irritated you.

I hope that Vancouver Art Gallery is cutting you in big time on the royalties, as they are charging CAN$19.95 per copy. They have a Picasso exhibition on at the moment - one of those should nearly cover your share of the profits from the journal sales. And yes, I did buy a copy, which will cost me about UK£1,000.00 when bank exchange rates and charges come through, but I shall treasure it for the rest of my life, or the next month, whichever is shorter. Fortunately, we don't have NFL or SI here, so I hope to survive September unscathed.

babble on said...

Heh, Bromptonaut, don't worry. My son still receives an allowance in British Pounds Sterling, and you will be delighted to learn that with the plummeting price of oil, Canadian Dollars slid equivalently, so your trip won't be as expensive as you may have braced yourself for. And it is gorgeous, this town, isnt' it? You see why I love it so... :)

I love girls!! You should have reached out. I'd have done my utmost best to charm yer wife into fully embracing the two wheeled life (if she hasn't already?). I was thinking of you, and of the Snobberoodleooo on Saturday, in fact. After dinner at the Whip, we spotted a new shop opened up in our new hood, called West Point Cycles (silly as it's east of Main and thus in East Van, but whatevs.) It made me think of the two of you cause it has a Brompton folded up in the front window, alongside its various other biekecycle wares.

babble on said...

... a new shop *which opened up... :-/

jetset said...

My ball commentating Bro doin the driving around Venice, CA is your typical Westside d-bag. Apparently he forgot the new 3-foot law. Of course, he never knew bicycles are vehicles in California, just like a car. Because in his world, only poor people ride bikes.

Hee Haw the Barista said...

Cab swerves to hit bike courier in TO

Bryan Bracy said...

I wonder if Ol' Heath Evans were say a Buddhist, Wiccan, or Muslim would the bashing been similar. Oh, well it's Monday, so low hanging fruit seems appropriate.

Grump said...

Snobby, you didn't miss much over your looong weekend. One candidate for some position declared war on Ukraine. When asked about it, he said that he was just following orders.
About Evans. You missed his news conference where he said that he was just joking....."Yeah, That's the Ticket". I was just "sarcastically joking".



dnk said...

-->Hee Haw the Barista @1:42

Shit.

There is no word on any possible charges because officers are still investigating the incident.

Freddy Murcks said...

Bryan Barcy - Heath Evans is a shit bag regardless of his religion. That fact that he fancies himself a Christian merely adds irony to his hatred and intolerance and threats to commit violent acts against people who slow him down while he is jerking off in his car.

Anamul haque said...

This is for New York city peoples t shirts.
If you will not satisfied then will back money. visit for your order https://teespring.com/new-york-tshirts

Dave said...

Give'em hell, Snob.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Bryan Bracy I think if this Heathen's Twitter bio claimed to be of any faith that had compassion for others as one of its underlying principles and he promoted running down cyclists he would be given the same ration of shit here, which he deserves. At least that's how I see it.

Fred Mercury said...

Substitute "bicycle riders" for any other group of people; religion, race, football fan, etc.. and the uproar might have been louder.
And B. Barcy, folks here would have gone after H. Evans regardless of what superstition he embraces.

Stop and think you said...

Awwww the usual Christian "persecution" complex coming out to play @ Bryan Bracy. Poor Christians, they don't get any respect, power, or social status in this heathen culture. #alternatereality

P. Bateman said...

Yo Anamul - i'm not a New York city peoples, but can i still get one of those fresh T shirts or am i off the list since i'm a florida peoples?

lot of discrimination against florida folks today. we have pedestrians. they are usually high on flacka and trying to eat your face. it really makes your ride very exciting indeed.

Holy Roller said...

Jesus says you should forgive NFL sinners. In fact, even if they try to play fast and loose with your ass, the GOOD BOOK tells us to turn the other cheek.

Anonymous said...

I would also say that most of the football players fans or followers agree with him.

Anonymous said...

Hey take it easy on Heath, after all his IQ (44) is listed right on his tweets...just like NASCAR fans have theirs on the rear window of their pickup trux.

Spokey said...

Dooth @ 12:28

in an interesting twist of sand cast irony, jesus wasn't a christian.

Bryan Bracy said...

If for one second you thought I was defending Heath, you are wrong. I also know that the internet tough guys on this comment section, who love trashing Christians, would quake in panic stricken fear if anyone thought they ever poked fun of any other religion besides Christianity. The tolerance is so inclusive here it's frightening... Hope y'all go get triggered so more.

babble on said...

Heh. Turn the other cheek indeed. Funny. :)

And yep, looks like he's had a football lobotomy, poor old @HeathEvans44. I recognize the symptoms of an oversimplified dumbass who's suffered a few too many head injuries, because it takes one to know one. But at least I wasn't raised a redneck, born again bum fuck from hell, so there's that.

Blessed are the #luckytobealive who appreciate life's small miracles. Y'know, like surviving the daily commute on roads populated with #motoristsentitledtomurder.

hey_playa said...

Mr. Heath regrets you were offended by his brilliant idea.

crosspalms said...

Sorry I'm late, I was busy quaking in panic stricken fear that someone might think calling a guy a hypocrite is the equivalent of attacking his religion. No matter what Heath claimed to be, his tweets make him a hypocrite and his lame-ass "apology" makes him a coward.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BikeSnobNYC said...

Bryan Bracy,

They all suck but obviously as the white guy religion Christianity deaerves extra ribbing.

--Wildcat Etc.

babble on said...

Yeah. Like he said. :)

crosspalms said...

Spokey,
Oh now you've gone too far. Next you'll tell me he didn't create those WWJD bracelets.

Freddy Murcks said...

Hey Bryan Bracy - Go forth and attempt to multiply fruitfully with yourself.

babble on said...

I hope someone tweeted a link to this blog to the poor lobotomized heathen and his employer. And I hope I am not alone in suggesting that he have to be as public about giving up a car for a month in lieu of bikes as he was about his declaration of his intent to murder. Um, come to think of it... along the same lines as the threat of assault AS assault, isn't encouraging others to acts of violence an act of terrorism?? So if a public figure flagrantly flouts the law and then laughs it off as a joke, ought he not to be charged as such?

Seriously. Think of all of those poor, deprived young redneck children who look up to him. They know no better. If there were a modicum of justice in America, the long arm of the law would make an example of the brain dead Mr Evans, to prevent the furtherance of his homegrown brand of terrorism. At the very least, his employer really ought to hold him accountable as a condition of his continued employment.

crosspalms said...

Extra ribbing -- for our pleasure

dancesonpedals said...

We don't make fun of other religions? What Leroy* said about the Pastafarians was just nasty.


* I think it was Leroy. Might've been somebody else with a beard. Maybe Jesus?

dnk said...

Leroy has a beard? I thought his dog was the one with the beard.

babble on said...

Oh! Meant to let you know that your "not my idiom" comment was well received round these parts the other day, Mr Dancesonpedals, sir. Brilliant retort, one I intend to use indiscriminately, with or without credit to the author, depending on circumstance. Consider yourself quoted.

dancesonpedals said...

Babble-

Please use as indiscriminately as you like. I stole it from John Cleese 59-1:05.

Freddy Murcks said...

My Twitter account has been locked, so it would appear that pig fucker, Heath Evans, did read my insulting tweets. I'm glad. Best punishment ever.

Freddy Murcks said...

Since I logon to Twitter about once every two months, a 12 hour forced hiatus isn't too much of a punishment. I may do it again tomorrow. Although I guess that the child molesting, pig fucking, brain damaged man-child, Heath Evans, has probably blocked me, so I may have to move my charm offensive to another medium.

Spokey said...


babs

there are plenty of justices here in 'mericer.

one set of justices for the politicians

one set of justices for the wealthy and/or famous

one set of justices for the politically correct

one set of justices for the rest of the rabble


so how many fuck-o-ing more justices do we need? and yes verbal threats do count as assault here in the down underwear. come on down and and threaten to run down broom hilda or ducky (see first set of justices) and see how far you get.

BamaPhred said...

SI writer guy isn't known as The Peter King for nothing. He's a royal dick. I like my team sports, but I have given up on the sports writers and announcers. For news on the athletes, I read the crime section.

Hugh Janus, Expert Motorist said...

A bunch of bike-riding weenies trying to shiver the timbers of the NFL Network and SI? BAHAHAHA!!!! You pedal-pumping gasbags might as well be casting aspersions at Big Pharma and the NRA. Do yourselves a favor canker-sores: Tuck your pathetic little peckers back into your idiotic biking panties and quit trying to piss up that rope. The sub-moronic bible-thumping NFL has-been is right: Stay off my highway. This brain-dead idiot should have taken a page from The Donald's playbook and doubled-down on his blither instead of being a back-pedaling weasel. If he'd done that, then today he'd be worshiped as an icon of the most important and influential being that has ever inhabited the earth: The Great American Motorist. By the way , I just typed all of that as I was doing 90mph in my 1993 Roadmaster while scarfing down a cheese blintz, scatching my nutsuck with my left foot, and reading a graphic novel about a Teutonic dominatrix. I also think I may have a leak in my master cylinder...

Dick Breaks said...

Hugh Janus, Expert Motorist fucks his own mother. He's still doing it and she's been dead for years.

Richard Pryor said...

It 's called justice, because when you look in the jail, that's who you see. Just us.

bad boy in the salt mines said...

That's okay,babble.sometimes i can't speel,spel,spelll...sphell....oh darn it.spell..there ya go.

Dooth said...

Spokey, you're totally right...Jesus wasn't a Christian. He was an atheist. A product of an immaculate conception. A loveless marriage: Fucked with his head, poor guy. He hated his father. Didn't believe in Him, out of spite.

Spokey said...


i could never figure that stuff out. if he was an atheist, why did he hang out with that southern baptist john?

Arizona hillbilly said...

The "Christians" have a lot to answer for. Don't act all butthurt...

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

I want to hit you in the ass! I gots to watch what I whisper in Ebeny's ear, sometimes he scrawls it on a photograph.

Anonymous said...

RIP Matt, I miss you brother

JLRB said...

Heavy stuff for a post-holiday post. Glad I waited until Tuesday to read it.

Heath didn't learn from Tony Kornheiser using the same stupid line on his dumb-ass radio show a few years ago. I guess I could have stopped at Heath didn't learn.

Keep in mind many asshole drivers have these thoughts in their heads as they pass you. Just because your paranoid .....

Ryan Kelley said...

Yo Snob, I am diggin' the sports commentary. These football grunts need to be insulted. Plus, it is great publicity for urban cycling. As if you care, I wrote a blog post titled: NFL Player Nails Dude on a Bike

http://www.standardbikerepair.com/nfl-player-nails-dude-bike/

Anonymous said...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzh2WNMZ5xk

Anonymous said...

This is fun:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSZPNwZex9s&feature=youtu.be