Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Sorry I'm late, my hubs have too much seal drag.

In the most shocking instance of cycling technology run amok since Femke "Vroom-Vroom" Van den Driessche was busted for secreting a motor in her cyclocross bike, it has now come to light that Movistar rider Fran Ventoso was gored by a disc brake rotor at last Sunday's Paris-Roubaix:


Fran Ventoso was taken to hospital after a crash at Paris-Roubaix, suffering deep wounds to his leg reportedly caused by landing on a disc brake.

The Spaniard was flown back home on Tuesday after undergoing an operation to apply suture and drain on the wound, according to his Movistar team. They are hoping to regenerate the muscle tissue damage as quickly as possible.

Yikes.

I'm sure you'll all join me in wishing Ventoso a full and speedy recovery, though I can neither confirm nor deny rumors* that medics were able to stop the bleeding my clamping the wound shut with a dual-pivot rim brake caliper:


*(I can start the rumors though.)




The letter begins with a brief survey of the technological advancements Ventoso has witnessed during his bike racing career:

Through all these years, I’ve witnessed many improvements on different parts of the bike and cycling apparel. We started off with steel, then aluminum, and later on, carbon. That last one came here to stay, since it was as rigid as we needed while also offering lightness.

We’ve also stopped using toeclips for clipless pedals, much more comfortable, effective and secure. Days are long gone when we used hairnet helmets: modern ones are now lighter, beautiful to the eye and offer absolute security guarantees when you use them.

I’ve also seen very important improvements on gearing. My first bike had one chainring and three sprockets; nowadays, we use two chainrings, even three, and 11 sprockets… and I’m certain it won’t end there.

Wait a minute.  Toeclips?  Hairnets???  Three-speed freewheels?!?

Was Ventoso born in 1948?

As for the bit about how helmets "offer absolute security guarantees," I'm tempted to disagree, but having seen the state of his helmet after the crash I'll give him a pass:


Looks like Blackie Lawless's codpiece.

Anyway, after recounting the history of the racing bicycle from the pennyfarthing on, Ventoso coins what is sure to become the rallying cry of retrogrouches everywhere:

But then, there’s pro road cycling events. Was there really anyone who thought things like Sunday’s wouldn’t happen? Really nobody thought they were dangerous? Nobody realized they can cut, they can become giant knives?

Did you hear that?

THEY CAN BECOME GIANT KNIVES!


Still, as much as I enjoy deriding disc brakes on road bikes, there's something a little too perfect about all of this.  I mean really, there are only like two teams using disc brakes and already they're making cold cuts out of the rest of the peloton?  Seems a little...convenient to me, which is why I suspect this could be the work of the International Rim Brake Cabal.  Sure, nobody may have seen Grant Petersen by the side of the course and armed with razor-sharp throwing rotors, but that's exactly the point of a ninja suit, isn't it?


Think about it.

Meanwhile, in more exciting technological news, meet The World's Firstest-Ever Smart Aero Road Bike Or Something!



Yes, the SpeedX Leopard is all about the "undistracted pleasure" of ultimate Fredness:

Undistracted Pleasure. This is what SpeedX Leopard is all about. Riding is an activity that touches people’s mind. Riders want to be integrated with the bike, in each own rhythm, in fluency, without distraction. Leopard is ready to give the rider the ultimate road experience.


How does it do this?  Well, it's made out of space-age carbon fiber.  You know, the same stuff they use to go to SPACE!


There's also an "integrated cycling computer" called the "Smart Control," which is similar to regular control, only smarter:


As well as an "automatic taillight:"


And of course "hidden brakes" so you don't gore anybody:


Okay, I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "Big deal.  My bike is also made from space plastic and has brakes."  Well, sure, but can you use it to RACE AGAINST YOURSELF?


Here's how it works.  First, you get your SpeedX Leopard up to 37.1km/h:


Which is officially known as Mullet-Lifting Speed:


Then you want to use your hidden brakes to lock up your rear wheel and skid through the turn:


Causing you to crash and resulting in scabs and scrapes on your hairy legs:


(Really, hidden brakes and cables but hairy legs?)

Then, as you stalk the road presenting your Lycra-clad hindquarters like a cheetah in heat, you see something:


It's you!


So you chase yourself down:


Your nostrils flaring as you inhale the heady scent of your own pheromones, embrocation, and chamois cream:


And once you've caught yourself you finally get to experience the ultimate in onanism by making love to your own doppelgänger, which is of course every roadie's greatest fantasy.

"Undistracted Pleasure" indeed.

87 comments:

EdmundWilson said...

Primo

Ted K. said...

Note 23. (Paragraph 137) Self-interest is not necessarily MATERIAL self-interest. It can consist in fulfillment of some psychological need, for example, by promoting one’s own ideology or religion.

trump 2016 said...

ho ha

Spokey said...

well tapis 5 anyway

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

In the lead group of scranii.

Anonymous said...

Je suis dans le premier dix. Oui, le premier

ken e. said...

Helments!

Very Slim Pickens said...

7th on the 8 step pod

Nanook of the North said...

Drag your seals from the head. It will slide with much less resistance.

Red Ross said...

I can't hit refresh much longer!!! Helmut!

ken e. said...

man, that dude at the end is pasty!

Anonymous said...

Pod!!!!

Frickus Rungus said...

Dick breaks may slice you like knives, but won't they also cauterize the wound if the crash occurs after hard breaking? Sounds like a wound/win to me!

Joe said...

From the wheel skidding picture, it looks like the chain is way to long, no?

Spokey said...


interesting.

by the time 'ol fran was born, not only as i wearing a non-hairnet bell biker healment but i had traded in my sears 10 speed for a centurion lemans 12.

Anonymous said...

looks like a lot of people want to ride the leopard. They have frigging $1.7MM of pledges. That has be a KS record? My faith in humanity continues to go down.

Blog Drafter said...

Very slick post, one of your seventeen children must have gotten embarrassed and clued you in on Photoshop . You're doing much better, although a little shading/shadow beneath the rotor of death as it enters the helmet would have been more visually convincing. I know, I know, it's a free read, & etc. (What ever happened to that old guy?)

Very Slim Pickins said...

"My first bike had one chainring and three sprockets..."

My first was an ancient steel frame Fuji, indestructible, rode it for ages. Even after getting a better machine, if it rained or snowed, out it came. Of course someone stole it, never to return to me. If Donald Trump is elected bike thieves will walk the blank, or be thrown off the wall into Mexico or Canada (those nations will be responsible for deposing of the bodies).

BikeSnobNYC said...

Blog Drafter,

I'm not using Photoshop.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Mario said...

Wow. Top notch post. Disc brake injury, fred-tastic Kickstarter, it's almost too perfect.

If it's not photoshop then what? I too found myself saying "these photoshops keep getting better and better".

Ted Timmons said...

It's amazing that ninja-thrown disc brakes are so dangerous but.. chainrings aren't?

McFly said...

#NOTALLBRAKES

ken e. said...

three words: kai's powertools five! and for the win: fractal explorer!

Blog Drafter said...

hahaha, lol

Spokey said...


come on now.

it's time to clamp down (rimmy break style) on these ninja-ist remarks. There is no place in our modern society for hate.

Jean-Francois Caron said...

Mario: obviously the Snob is an open-source free software warrior and would insist on only using The GIMP photo editing program, installed on his 100% free Debian system. Or maybe it's just free (as in beer) and runs on windows.

Or maybe he's just copy & pasting in MS Paint.

streepo said...

no tall brakes?

Anonymous said...

Oh, man...I feel so non-hip "old-guy." I don't care for cycling-specific shoes, so I still use toe-clips. If you're old, they won't give you problems [and you won't walk around "clanking" and "clinking"]. I'm so old, no clothing I own is over 5 percent spandex.

onelegmatt said...

Trim those legs and facial hair, and think how much faster he could ride against himself!

Maybe even Fred "Woo-Hoo!" Speed!

Blog Drafter said...

ken e:

Everyone's in love with Alien Skin here for some reason. Bleach #12 ferchristsakes! Ugly. I could rant about the talentless, desaturated crap everyone's in love these days with but I would come across as an Uncle Grumpy, lol. (But I am not a Robot)

Charles Steinmetz said...

And truth to the rumors spreading on the Al Gore invention that Fabian Cancellara was electrocuted in that bunny hop crash?

Paul Bowen said...

How come we've (I've) never heard of a CXer getting sliced like a mortadella by a break dic? Those guys fall off like every five yards so by rights your average CX race ought to look like that scene from Caligula.

Anonymous said...

"...like a cheetah in heat." Fucking awesome! Made my day.

trama said...

WCRM,
I like how enjineers have to keep solving the problems caused by dix breaks, problems like wheels popping out of dropouts, asymetric twisterfucking of forks/stays etc. I like your idea of "combining" these elements of wheals/rotors and calling it something...

flower ID

Grump said...

In order to protect myself, I demand that all bikes be equipped with rubber chainrings......Things were also bad, back in the "dark ages" of cycling. Twice, I had my head cut off when it got stuck in another rider's Spinergy Rev-X.

Hee Haw the Barista said...

DISC SECT

leroy said...

You know, until I read the title of today's post, it never occurred to me that I've never seen as seal in drag.

Excuse me, I have to duck now.

My dog is about to throw something at me.

Roille Figners said...

"Disc brakes should NEVER have arrived in the peloton" he says.

How many different ways can you find to say "No shit?" Ah well.

Also, fuck ninjas. "Yeah I'm real cool, I sneak in while you're sleeping and stab you in bed or poison your tea. And then run away like a bitch." Fuck off, ninjas!

Spokey said...


RF is a hater

'nuff sed? probably hates ninja turdles even more. in fact al gored told me that once the lonesome rangery put on that mask RF started the hates on him too. even tonto wazn't safe when he'd put on face paints.

sad.

BamaPhred said...

Ninja rotor throwing Grant Petersen and sniffing your own azz, all in one post. I can die in peace now.
WWWWAAAAAHHHHH
Thanks Snob

PS I'm with the other poster, why don't the MTB and CX racers slice themselves to ribbons with disc's? They fall like dominoes. I'm thinking they don't ride as tightly packed in large groups? I know nothing about it, to tell the truth, but you already knew that.

BamaPhred said...

We don't have a seal drag here, but there is an annual event called the Mullet Toss.

janinedm said...

Counterpoint: disc brakes do belong in the peloton. Hear me out. Professional cycling is less a sport than it is a series of demos of bikes and components available for sale. ...and they want to sell the disc brakes, so...

Captain Oblivious said...

And here I thought professorial cycling was a way to tour french castles by helicopter

Anonymous said...

If you have disc brakes and are riding in a group, in a wipeout/collision/tri event you should be required to fall so that the bike lands disc brake side down.

Problem solved.

(Except, now the chainring is side up.)

1904 Cadardi said...

Seal drag? I'm rocking a 30 year old Campy Nuovo Record front hub and rolling a 25 year old Ultegra 600 rear. Seals are for hipster youth.

grog said...

Top fifty. Some folks take cycling way too seriously.

Roille Figners said...

Ninja lover!

hellbelly said...

Blackie Lawless...good times.

Anonymous said...

Solid gold post today. Yer a funny sumbitch
Snob.

Spokey said...


you betz

love ninjas, jinjas, and vinjas. we love all. we even love that ninja hating roille.
i wouldn't even wish my dik breaks (not that i have any) on poor old roille. i knows he just stuck in the past with his worn out pre-juices. maybe we can send him to one of those re-eddy-cation camps our pressy-dent set up after the katty-trina scam.

Anonymous said...

Is this how Freds look during the off season or just the future of Fredom in general?

http://www.pleated-jeans.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/socks-sandals17.jpg

And how do I unsee this?

Proper "Hey, who turned out the lights?" Dave said...


had a drag on a seal today.

wasn't nearly as good as the drag from some yukonny gold.

BrainDonor said...

The gore pics https://m.facebook.com/fran.ventoso.9/posts/10156809619355611

Max Schlachter said...

Goddamn that got gross.

Keep it up, good sir.

ken e. said...

i guess designsnobyvr would just descend into an ironic (fractal) spiral of insider jokes, sort of the antithesis of adobe forums (which mostly suck). i do like the idea of a tiny perfect duplicate joke on the corner of a bigger identical joke.

Focus503 said...

Razor sharp throwing rotors

wishiwasmerckx said...

Looks like BSNYC blew a seal. Eventful day yesterday at the Bronx zoo!

Unknown said...

Dick breaks đź‘€

Fractal Life said...

Always grind down the edges of my disks, just for fear of the slicing after having slit the back of my hand open a lil too easily. Dont lose much braking surface, not sure if thats too much of a weight penalty for roadies though.

trail dog said...

Snob on point today!

Freddy Murcks said...

If you Ventoso's account of the accident, it's quite clear that he didn't see how he got cut and didn't even notice that he'd been cut until several seconds after the incident (the pre-race practice of filling your bloodstream with enough horse tranquilizers to kill a normal man will do that). So, he is just speculating that it was a disc brake rotor. It may have been a disc rotor, but it also could have been a chain ring (they're pretty sharp) or the sharp edge of one of those cobbles that road Freds get all hot and bothered over.

Freddy Murcks said...

As far as the SpeedX Leopard is concerned, I can't imagine a bike that I want less. I like my bikes to be stupid and low tech.

Lackie Balless said...

Never pass up an opportunity to reference a codpiece. Well played, sir.

P. Bateman said...

thanks @braindonor

i just donated a bunch of vomit to the front of my shirt after looking at that. good god. OUCH!!

somewhat ironically, i wear my RED Wings with pride and will lick a bleeding hole all damn night.

dancesonpedals said...

Seal Drag? Are you sure you didn't blow a seal?

Dooth said...

Undistracted pleasure and onanism go hand in hand.

Anonymous said...

Flagged by the SPCA.

Arizona redneck said...

What is "Enbrocation"?
Swamp ass?

Dexter said...

I use my disk brake rotor to make always perfect julienne fries, when I'm not dismembering the competition.

What about me? said...

I asked the manufacturer of my beautiful lightweight overpriced helment where my absolute security guarantee was and all I got was this. So it seems that my helment is sort of protected (if you call a "cheap" replacement helment protection), but what about me? I'm guessing SOL. The only safety advice I'd take from a pro bike rider is how to find a vein and shoot up properly.

tubasti said...

Rim brakes save lives. So do handlebar plugs and well-glued tubulars. That's why these were always inspected before Cat 4 and 5 races back in the day.

Anonymous said...

Did you say knives?
Yes, rotating knives.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RicaXxiU1WM

Oh, sod the abattoir! I didn't wanna be in your bloody Freemasons anyway!

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

So, one professional biek racer is allegedly the victim of an unintended salami slicing by a dick break and they are immediately banned from the pro-peleton? How many racers have been injured or killed by television-laden motorcycles which still roam freely among the pro peleton? Oh wait, that might disrupt the flow of money from television rights. Never mind.

McFly said...

So if Joe bought Devon a Leopard Smart Bike then Devon #1 could chase down Devon #2 and then once the battle was complete Devon #1 would make sweet love to Devon #2?

Let's not kick the Leopard to the curb until we thoroughly research all the possibilities.

Viva La France said...

What if Devon and Devon are twin sisters and Joe has been out riding with both of them, maybe even for group rides.

Spokey said...


what?

i slept in and again we're going on noony and no post. snobbie trying out banker hours? i slept in thinking i'd just get up and read.

Unknown said...

Money for nuthin'

Chicks for free!

Mehjor Taylor said...

It's pronounced LAY-OH-PARD!

Spokey said...


seals must be frozen in icey today

McFly said...

I hope his Hunt-N-Peck finger did not get sliced off in a dik braek incident.

janinedm said...

It's pretty nice outside. Dollars to donuts he's on the Marin. I'm not jealous, I'm going to the a short walk and get an insane Korean donut. http://www.eater.com/2014/12/1/7313379/elusive-korean-donuts-are-out-of-control-delicious

Ben but not Jerry said...

As a farewell gift Devon presented her hindquarters to Joe, who partook of it, and declared the the taste to be like Rocky Road.

leroy said...

Whoa. How could I have lived this long without knowing about those Korean donuts? That looks awesome.

Anonymous said...

Bonus points for a Blackie Lawless reference!

Brontodon said...

Don't make fun -- the Leopard runs a full Shimano 105 drivetrain! It's race ready! After LONG and HARD thought!

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