Tuesday, December 8, 2015

One Foam Hat To Rule Them All

I have seen the future of cycling, and its name is Livall Bling:



Which, by sheer coincidence, is also the name of each and every one of my seventeen (17) children.

(When you have this many kids its silly to name them individually, and you're much better off treating them like a swarm.)

"Cycling is fun.  Extremely fun!!!," the video begins:


Yes, especially when you're wearing the maillot jaune and/or à pois and riding mountain bikes on the road slowly.

"As crazy cycling fans, we understand all the problems that you may, or have already encountered, during your ride," the narrator continues, a boldly omniscient claim which these two riders find particularly unsettling:


"Livall has many features that can simplify your ride and keep you safe."  Yes, not only does it allow you to read minds (and crotches), but it also has lights:


"Find the shining helmets and you will find the team," says the narrator:


You will also find a group of huge dorks--which could explain why that last quote sounds like something someone with a beard would tell the hero of a fantasy novel right before dying:


But wait, there's more, because "The built-in Bluetooth and mic enable you to take phone calls or communicate with teammates directly using the walkie-talkie function:"


Even when they're well within earshot and coming right at you:


"And of course you can listen to music with Bling Helmet and cycle to the beat!"


Yes, he actually said "Cycle to the beat," which sounds like something you'd do while dressed like this:


Anyway, if you're thinking all this shit is wildly confusing and incredibly distracting, you're right, which is why the Livall Bling also has a built-in distress signal for the inevitable crash:


Complete with emergency notification feature:


Though unfortunately what happens is that it alerts your friend, who's so shocked by the news of your crash that he crashes too:


Which in turn activates his emergency notification feature:


Which of course calls you--though tragically you're of no use to anybody, and now neither is he:


Thus, technology has transformed you into a Ourobos of Fredness:



But yeah, you operate the helmet by using a remote control called 'Bling Jet,' which is great news for the absolutely none of you who want a helmet that requires a remote control:


"It can simply be mounted on the bike and is very easy to use," explains the narrator as the rider jabs at it desperately with her thumb:


Sure, it looks really easy to use.  It only has like 20 buttons, and it's not obtrusive at all either.

And this is either a diagram of how the system works, or else it's a cartouche, I'm not entirely sure:


Then there's the stand:


And the onboard battery:


And of course the app:


Which gives you all this information:


Even though what it should really do is tell you to give up cycling immediately and find the best local deal on a new Hyundai:


And we haven't even gotten the cadence sensor or video and photo functions--nor are we going to, because I would like to live in denial of this kind of technology for as long as possible before they pass laws requiring us to use it.

Meanwhile, you will soon be able to get an e-assist for your Brompton:



At least if this guy can help it:


See, he's the one who invented the technology Fabian Cancellara used to cheat in all those races:


But alas, when you put the motor on a Brompton it won't fold:


Which is why you've never, ever seen Fabian Cancellara riding a Brompton.

Think about it.

Anyway, we all know a Brompton that doesn't fold is basically as useless as, well, this thing:


So the team got together:


And after deciding what to order for lunch they figured out how to move the motor slightly, allowing the Brompton to fold:


Okay, I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "Why the hell does a Brompton need a motor?  If you're tired can't you just hail a cab?"  Well, sure, but watch how he effortlessly ascends that slight incline:


Plus, he and the Brompton have been able to rekindle their sexual relationship, since the lack of cycling exertion means he's no longer put off by the funk of his own crotch sweat:


And best of all, here he is Cat 6-ing the shit out of somebody at warp speed:


Because that's what it's all about.

See, a motor on a Brompton isn't so useless after all, is it?

At least not compared to this:



Or, for the ultimate in useless, how about this (nominal) human?




Yep, a driver just killed somebody on the fucking sidewalk, and she's walking away while eating a slice of pizza.

So if you're wondering why this sort of thing keeps happening in New York City, it's because nobody gives a shit.

It's all horribly depressing, so here's some hilarious stand-up comedy to cheer you up:



Taking advice on how not to be a Fred from a guy wearing a jersey that says "Zenberry Mix" on it is like taking advice on how to be compassionate from the Human Pizza Rat who walked away from that murder scene.

105 comments:

Ted K. said...

88. The “benefit of humanity” explanation doesn’t work any better. Some scientific work has no conceivable relation to the welfare of the human race—most of archaeology or comparative linguistics for example. Some other areas of science present obviously dangerous possibilities. Yet scientists in these areas are just as enthusiastic about their work as those who develop vaccines or study air pollution. Consider the case of Dr. Edward Teller, who had an obvious emotional involvement in promoting nuclear power plants. Did this involvement stem from a desire to benefit humanity? If so, then why didn’t Dr. Teller get emotional about other “humanitarian” causes? If he was such a humanitarian then why did he help to develop the H- bomb? As with many other scientific achievements, it is very much open to question whether nuclear power plants actually do benefit humanity. Does the cheap electricity outweigh the accumulating waste and the risk of accidents? Dr. Teller saw only one side of the question. Clearly his emotional involvement with nuclear power arose not from a desire to “benefit humanity” but from a personal fulfillment he got from his work and from seeing it put to practical use.

Anonymous said...

Podium!

cdinvb said...

Love to linger. Gotta go. Wheels.

Helton Moraes said...

Wow, this one was fast!

N/A said...

Good morning, peeps.

P. Bateman said...

dang it!! i really wanted to GET SOME podi-yum yum yum

Spokey said...


wow, early pearly gates and i get top tempus. damn cat's fault

Synonymous said...

Top Ten?

Kerry said...

That video of the pizza muncher is a perfect metaphor for this crazy %ucked up world, isn't it???

Wow....just wow...

Does sort of make me hungry for a nice slice of Brooklyn pizza however... Nothing beats a NYC pizza...nuttin..

P. Bateman said...

i've noticed these cycling apps can measure a range of body data, but never the levels of blood flow to my penis.

what i'd like to see is an app that seamlessly blends the functionality of body monitoring, Tinder, Missed Connections, Snapchat...and maybe that walkie talkie too.

For instance:

i am on a ride and a cute girl is coming the other way and hoodwinks me. The app would measure the level of blood flow and relay that information to everyone in like a 5 mile perimeter.

the app would then automatically send dick picks to any female riders that had achieved high levels of arousal - like this: http://bit.ly/1lLQGPd (its safe-ish for work...)

From there i would be able to walkie talkie with her and set up a meeting point.

The built in power meter would obviously measure the thrusts like those strength games at the carnival, and upload that data to my social medias.

I'd buy one of their idiotic hailmats and cumbersome remote if it could do that.



JB said...

Heather Thomas, baby, Heather Thomas.

N/A said...

Yeah, I'm cycling to the beat. It has me scuffing the 'ol Brooks and turning the Silcas.

Spokey said...

hmmm

my cheap blue tooth lets me listen to music and take calls too. at no extra charge.

and if i think my battery might run down, i simply toss a spare in to the handlebar bag before heading out.

@2:41 "we spent a lot of time to design the liveall products"

that guy's coloring stays inside the lines much better than either of my grandkids when they color. now i'm sold.

Anonymous said...

I know when that liveall bling; it can only mean one thing.

Anonymous said...

You used to call me on your helment phone
Late night when my brooks needs a rub

Anonymous said...

I'm wearing by bibs over top my jersey. Just cause that bike jerk told me not too.

bad boy of the north said...

Cycling to the beat while waiting for new tires for the car the wife has to pay the bank for.

Ted K said...

88. The benafit of humanaty explanashun don't work neither. They scientists, their haves no worrys about the human welfair, for example the antherpology or other depts at collage. It can even be endangerus. But if anything those guys don't even care, they gives has endless ball cancer and they don't care. How bout Edward Teller? Hah? What then? Yeah I thought so. Bow sown before me betch, I am RITE. He had nukular plants, was that for us or whas it for ball canscre? See waht I mean. Also: H-bobm. He just wante to to a good job, he dint care about ball caner.

Dave said...

I always eat pizza after running people down. What.

Spokey said...


what a co-inky dink <as they say>

i always run people down after eating pizza. although sometimes i have to take a crap in between.

Anonymous said...

Just another SUV running over a pedestrian...nothing to see here folks, move along...

JB said...

If you make videos on how not to be a Fred, you may be a Fred.

Anonymous said...

Tilford's site has been down all morning.

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

That hirsute little piece of cheesecake can "freducate" me any time he wants!

JLRB said...

Interesting development in the Bot was today.

I hate being used to seeing cars killing people.

"funk of his own crotch sweat" - might just be the best name for a cologne

For the Good of All said...

Someone needs to figure out how to highjack the blue tooth controlled bike motors and make them all run backwards.

Anonymous said...

What is the speed limit, in kilometers per hour, on Route 66?

BamaPhred said...

I'm glad the DNA info article mentioned the Seinfeld finale tie in, cause I was feeling guilty thinking about it, and the pizza munching woman photoshopped in front of the Hindenburg was brutal.

Dr. Hugo Z. Hackinabush said...

What is the normal male sequence of events, reading the crotch first (or legs or ta ta's) or the formation of the lips on a mouth.

Another Anonymous said...

"What is the speed limit, in kilometers per hour, on Route 66?"

Well, if it is 40.986 MPH, that would reduce the number of required signs.

Gator Chomp said...

Perhaps a Kickstarter to deter Bike thieves could be developed based on this.
I believe it is down Mr PBateman's way?
Might be a bit heavier than a u lock.

SUV, the vehicle of choice for America's Terrorists said...

The only thing bigger than a Chevy Suburban is an Abrams Battle Tank. And the police actually did something because the driver had no license, no insurance and the vehicle wasn't registered. I guess that is what it takes. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out if Mr. Sewage is someone with $$$ and "connections", once his lawyers and PR people spring into action.

Winky said...

"On Sunday in Fort Greene, Brooklyn, a car lost control and jumped a curb...."

A car lost control? Really?

JLRB said...

Why does the fancy helment tell "mileage" in KMs?

Heartless Pizza Rat said...

How not to be a Fred: Wear the clothes you normally wear and do something practical like buying a six-pack, or groceries, or riding to the coffee shop and not prancing like a princess on your clipless shoes (I pray for them to slip and fall and douche themselves with hot coffee)

P. Bateman said...

@gaytor chomp - yep, that is about 30min down the beach from me.

that is some swift and efficient justice.

finally! some Florida news i can be proud of (though its a shame i'm sure they killed the gaytor)

makes me think i should forgo the alarm system and firearms and get myself a pet crocodile.

Anonymous said...

Cycling was fun! It used to be fun! Now it is no fun because of moneygrubbing fearmongers like us!

le Correcteur said...

"Ourobos of Fredness" is a classic Snob line, and wonderfully literary to boot. Congrats!

Anonymous said...

This guy seems to think a Fred is someone who doesn't know the rules when actually a Fred is someone who knows all the rules and is happy to tell you every one; just like the guy in the video! Or maybe this is a really lame attempt at irony.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Way back.


vsk

McFly said...

Thats' a fuckton of gadgetry. I am sure it all works flawlessly.

dop said...

Anon at 12:16

It's impossible to distinguish zeal from irony. On the right & left, people have been thrown off blogs for writing sincere, extreme posts that were mistaken for baiting from the opposition.

I couldn't bear the video & turned it off at the site of his bibshorts.

janinedm said...

I ride in the 5 boro bike tour every year (I know, I know. But in early January, signing up feels like casting a vote that winter's going to end), so I've been an inadvertent subscriber to Bicycling Magazine for some time now. Anyway, half of the articles are about numbers and there gizmos that measure them. The other half is how to put fun back into riding. I'm sure there's no connection.

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

Tinea Cruris Status: Positive

Larval Bling® - jewelry for our littlest hive members said...

My guess is pizza-rat-lady was fully baked and out on a munchies run (notice the sunglasses to shield those dilated peepers). In which case, does anyone really want or expect her to rush to the rescue?

Smash an ant in a marching column and the others just scurry around until a "good Samaritan" comes and hauls away the carcass.

“Karl Marx was right, socialism works, it is just that he had the wrong species” - Edward O. Wilson

Vernal Magina said...

Putting a motor on a Brompton, is like...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

It's all making sense to me now. The bling helment allows fred to quantify and track every measure of their power process as they pursue their favorite surrogate activity.

Roille Figners said...

RF stream of consciousness whilst reading the post:

Ha! Both lying there helpless, no use to anybody!

"Cycling to the beat it's an irate feeling..." Who remembers Fishbone? Yeah that's what I thought, that's why Angelo still lives with his mom.

cardouche

SnapFlask - I actually think it's pretty clever, but does it stay put over vicious bumps and spicy gnar-gnar?

Pizza woman: "Looks like they've got this."

"A car lost control" - I believe that's a sophisticated double blame-shift - An advanced move! Displacing notions of agency/will onto the car, and then absolving the CAR via its lack of control. Brilliant!

JLRB said...

do not google Tinea Cruris

I can't unsee that shit

janinedm said...

also, I've had some time to process that video of pizza lady and...I'm kind of on her side. She wasn't the one driving the car and she came, what, 10 feet from dying herself. If she wants to finish her slice, it's unfathomable, but she's still less of an asshole than the guy who was driving so inattentively he was surprised by a bus being stopped at a bis stop and was speeding so much that he couldn't stop in time and had so little regard for human life that he decided to steer toward the sidewalk than take the fender bender.

janinedm said...

edit: not on her side. I just don't hate her like I hate the driver.

leroy said...

"Find the shining helmets and you will find the team" reminds me of the time my dog talked me into financing his app that created Yoda-style insults.

When I asked him where the money went he replied "Your buttocks with both hands cannot you find."

SpeedyG said...

i'm thinking a kickstarter for SnapHolster would be a success. IWB doesn't work in the stretchy pants.

Anonymous said...

that friendly Freducator reminds me of Michael Scott from "The Office" -
completely sans-clue

jodphoto said...

The driver who killed the pedestrian was arrested, not for killing someone with a car which is an "accident"; rather, for not having a license and insurance. If his paperwork was in order, he too could have grabbed himself a slice.

Anonymous said...

wow that is fucked. At first I thought maybe she didn't see the victims, but she clearly turned and looked right at them. Maybe she is a government assassin or something and is used to remaining calm and even somewhat hungry in the face of human carnage? Either that or it is really fucking good pizza.

Anonymous said...

I was cat sixed last week by a guy on a motor assisted folding bike just last week. At first I was humbled to be passed by a middle aged duder or a foldy but then I noticed that he didn't slow down when he stopped pedaling, so I felt better. Shouldn't there be a law that prohibits electric bikes from using bike lanes and paths here in NYC when they are already pretty crowded? they are after all motorized vehicles.

balls™ said...

Before reading today's post and commenting, I checked to make sure that the former reality TV and real estate idiot was not mentioned. I won't say his name, but thank's to everyone for not mentioning his name. I'll just call him Fuck Stick.

Can anyone tell me how to write a script that will hide Fuck Stick from any webpage I read? I'm really tired of hearing anything about him.

JB said...

A motor-assisted folding bike really trumps them all, doesn't it?

Spokey said...


i kinda figured that one way to identify a fred was to look for bib shorts. so hiding the suspenders makes sense. i do admit that i once thought about getting a pair but finally i sobered up and swore off sake.

BamaPhred said...

Mr PBateman, Gaytor would imply that you are perhaps a Dawg? I must confess to posting as Gator Chomp. No, I'm not a Gator, not that there's anything wrong with that. At least the article didn't start out as Florida Man.....

Can you put a Gruber Assist in a Brompton? Asking for a friend.

P. Bateman said...

@bama -

Sic 'em. woof woof.

JLRB said...

Did Heather Thomas' crotch sweat funk dissolve the Nashbar decal off of that bike ?

crosspalms said...

Just got back from 2 weeks in Beijing, and am catching up. A few things:

-- I saw only 3 cyclists in helmets the whole time, and one of them was a guy on a road bike in bike clothes. That was also the only road bike I saw. And the only bike clothes. Otherwise, hundreds and hundreds of heavy, single-speed bikes with baskets and fenders, mostly moving fairly slowly.

-- Saw only 2 cyclists with lights, and one of those was my wife. Even in the smog, no lights.

-- The only scooter riders in helmets seemed to be delivery guys. They were also the only ones who (sometimes) turned their lights on after dark. Most of the scooters are electric, so you pretty much don't hear them coming.

-- If there are any rules of the road, I couldn't figure them out. Want to make a left turn in a bus in a busy intersection? Just nose across traffic. If you wait for an actual opening you could spend your life there. Ditto every other vehicle, but buses are less likely to get fucked with.

-- Crossing a street in a crosswalk requires a critical mass of pedestrians, otherwise you'll be picked off. Lights and signals don't matter.

-- Don't make eye contact with anyone. Peripheral vision has to keep you alive. And timing, to get through cross traffic.

-- Despite wide bike lanes where I was, cyclists and scooter riders also used the street and the sidewalk. Saw a car driving down the sidewalk, too. And in rush hour, plenty of cars in the bike lanes.

-- Hair-raising though riding there was, I only saw 2 accidents: scooter lost control on ice and fell over, woman just picked it up and kept going; cyclist knocked over by car, was sitting on curb as driver made sure she was OK, which she seemed to be.

Glad to be back, but hope I get to return when the air is breathable!

bad boy of the north said...

maybe the pizza rat is a time traveller visa vis the charlie chaplin time traveller.seriously.that is fugged up.

bad boy of the north said...

Maybe the driver will be broughht up on trumped up charges...or maybe not.

dnk said...

crosspalms @ 3:03 ---

I read that Beijing underwent a "first-ever red alert" a couple of days ago because air pollution was horrific even relative to what they regularly experience there. Schools shut down, roads closed, factory work temporarily halted. Did you see any of that?

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/12/09/world/asia/beijing-smog-pollution.html

Roille Figners said...

FART RUMP

Dooth said...

Pizza rat has blood on her slice.

Anonymous said...

Two Saskatoon men are living out their dreams in tiny trailer homes attached to bicycles.

Chuck E. Cheese said...

Has anyone ratted out Pizza Rat yet?

the Jimboner said...

pizza lady is obviously the angel of death

P. Bateman said...

"It's awesome," Romfo said of his life in the tiny house.

"Every night I go to bed, and just before I fall asleep, I feel that swelling in my throat from overwhelming joy and elation."

i think that swelling in your throat is from serious illness you've likely contracted from being homeless. not from the joy and elation of being an vagrant.

Freddy Murcks said...

Instead of naming all seventeen (17) of your children Livall Bling, you could have named one of them Bodkin Van Horn
And one of them Hoos-Foos. And one of them Snimm.
And one of them Hot-Shot. And one Sunny Jim.
And one of them Shadrack. And one of them Blinkey.
And one of them Stuffy. And one of them Stinkey.
Another one Putt-Putt. Another one Moon Face.
Another one Marvin O’Gravel Balloon Face.
And one of them Ziggy. And one Soggy Muff.
One Buffalo Bill. And one Biffalo Buff.
And one of them Sneepy. And one Weepy Weed.
And one Paris Garters. And one Harris Tweed.
And one of them Sir Michael Carmichael Zutt
And one of them Oliver Boliver Butt
And one of them Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate …
But you didn’t do it. And now it’s too late.

crosspalms said...

dnk,
On a couple of days before I left, the air quality index (the US State Dept has an hourly reading online) was "beyond index," the worst level, although the Chinese govt didn't issue a red alert then (and took some flak for it). Couldn't tell about any factory shutdowns or construction halts where I was, but the only changes I saw in the people around me were more masks (my wife and I wore them, although a surprising number of people, even on bikes and scooters, didn't). Crowds didn't seem any lighter. And the local wood-fired pizza place and the chestnut roasters kept their fires going...

I thought I was coming down with a cold -- sore throat, runny nose, sinuses clogged, coughing, itchy eyes -- but it was the air. There were days when you could look straight up and see blue sky, but bring your eyes down to the horizon and you'd be lucky to see half a mile. Weird.

Heartless Pizza Rat said...

Eventually Romfo and friend want more: "Our end goal is to actually find some vacant land and have a whole bunch of people staying together as a commune," Kinsilla said.

Could just move to Portland and join the Stolen Bike Parts Fence commune.....

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

That's what we want, surly, sarcastic, edgy Snobby. Not that pseudo post from yesterday.

Welcome back, Boss.

Roille Figners said...

haha... "Sneepy"




(Yep, THAT'S the one that made me laugh. Don't ask me WTF.)

Anonymous said...

What if we are living in the Golden Age of terrible bicycle gadgets?

Freddy Murcks said...

Roille - Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate has always been my fav.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe how many people get run over on the sidewalk in NY City. I have lived in Madison for 14 years and I don't think it has ever happened. What is it about NY that people keep driving up onto the sidewalk?

P. Bateman said...

@anon - you mean a golden shower age?

pee pee

Spokey said...

would not it be easiest to just name the kids two, four, six, . . . 34? i propose going by twos just in case you find out, well. . . ahem. of course you know best so mayhaps you will need to go by threes or fours although remembering four, eight, twelve, sixteen, . . . sixty-eight in your dotage could be tricky.





as for sidewalk stalking killer dino eaters

Everything someday will be gone except silence.
The earth will be quiet again.
Seas from clouds will wash off the ashes of violence
Left as the memory of men.
There will be no survivors, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Because I graduated from high school in 1982, I now want a poster of cycling to the beat girl. I think she and Cippolini victim guy would make a nice couple. Please?

Dooth said...

Bling guy says "cycling to the beat" just as the African-American pedals his bike. Coincidence? Please?

High School class of 1981

Roille Figners said...

I came down the pike a few years later but holy shit I didn't even recognize Heather Thomas. I'll have you know I actually had this poster of her.

McFly said...

If you crash your mountain bike on the street you deserve death.

JB said...

Roille, that is the Heather Thomas poster.

Anon @ 7:42: I'm sure "cars" drive up onto the sidewalk frequently in Madison, as they probably do here in St. Louis. In NYC though, there is a much higher likelihood of a pedestrian being in the way and it making the news.

Spokey said...


that's yer problem. out here in the hemorrhoids, there's nary a sidewalk to be found. yeah there is one hither and yon, but pretty rare. we refers to them as the death zone.

oh and as most fuck-o towns require you to shovel their sidewalks in front of yer house, no sidewalks is a real back saver in the winters.

Anonymous said...

everything dies baby that's a fact

BamaPhred said...

When I am feeling down about US drivers, I watch the Russian dash cam videos until I feel better.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Sitting here in the theater of the commentariat watching the credits from the last show til the next Snob movie comes on. At least the floor isn't sticky.

Looks like it wants to snow outside! But we'll have 60 degreezes this weekend again In Decemba !! Like foggettabou!
Take that global cooling! Skinny bikes are happy.

vsk

Anonymous said...

"...require you to shovel their sidewalks in front of yer house, no sidewalks is a real back saver in the winters."

When we would have the street cleansed, let every man sweep his own door, and it is quickly done.~Thomas Adams, Sermons, ii, 307 (1629).

How soon are those streets made clean, where every one sweeps against his own door.~Thomas Fuller, A Pisgah-Sight of Palestine, bk iii, ch. 1 (1650)

If everyone will sweep his own house, the city will be clean.~Torriano, Universale, p. 41 (1666)

Sweep before your own door~John Ray, English Proverbs, p. 135 (1678)

old French proverb: Chacun doit balayer devant sa propre porte

JLRB said...

PIZZ ARAT

BROM PHUG

Anonymous said...

rule braintannia..

JLRB said...

well if the prime* is just sitting here

*I have no idea what this means

JLRB said...

Why is the guy in the first picture taking a nap under the trees with a bike 'tween his knees?

JLRB said...

This morning I launched several successful snot rockets

JLRB said...

much better than when they hang there and stick to your face

JLRB said...

Centpodio

Anonymous said...

Where's our Ms. Babble? Oh bring back my Babble to me (lyrics are something like that, I think).

Billy Joel said...

Big Knockers, No Helment and shinny slippery clothes babe. Her butt is going to be slip slidin away.

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