Tuesday, December 15, 2015

"Miracle on 34th Street, No Criminality Suspected"

Good news, seniors of New York City!


("What are we cheering for?")

Drivers may keep running you over, but here comes the NYPD to the rescue!


Police officers will target drivers who commit moving violations like speeding and failing to yield to pedestrians near senior centers during times when there are large numbers of people in those areas, officials said in an advisory distributed to members of the news media. The effort, called the Holiday Pedestrian Safety Initiative, began Monday and is expected to run until Sunday, according to the advisory.

It's bad enough the police don't just do this all the time, but it's especially offensive that the so-called "Holiday Pedestrian Safety Initiative" ends on Sunday, which is a full five days before Christmas.  Basically, if the NYPD were Santa Claus, he'd dump a bunch of unwrapped presents on your porch on like December 17th, ring your doorbell, and drive away.

But yeah, take advantage of the "Holiday Pedestrian Safety Initiative" while you can, because after Sunday it's time to lube up that artificial hip and start running for your life again.

Meanwhile, speaking of the holidays, check out these assholes blocking traffic and shoving the joy of Hanukkah in your face:



As you can see in the video, men who appear to be Shomrim are corking traffic in SUVs equipped with police lights and sirens. One of the men blasts a Rumbler-type siren when Turco tries to get video of his license plate, which was taped over.

We called the NYPD public information office to ask if the department authorized the caravan, and if people who aren’t police are allowed to disrupt traffic and have vehicles with lights and sirens. We were directed to send an email, which is NYPD’s way of saying “Go away.”

See, in New York City drivers are allowed to do whatever they want, and religious fundamentalist lunatics who vote in blocs are allowed to do whatever they want, so this means a renegade Hanukkah motorcade is essentially an unstoppable juggernaut--basically the equivalent of Lord Humungus's Marauders, only with payos:


And if you'd like to take part, all you need is a Honda Odyssey, an aversion to pork, and a six foot stainless steel car menorah:


Menorah includes mounting brackets and ten standard bulbs.

Three types of signs are available: either "Chabad wishes you a Happy Chanukah", "Happy Chanukah" or "Lubavitch wishes you a Happy Chanukah." Signs can also be customized for orders of three or more Menorahs.

Shipping is available.

I'm going with the full custom for next year, and I've already emailed them my design:


If you need me I'll be corking the intersection with THE CAR THE BANK OWNS UNTIL I FINISH PAYING THEM BACK, a six foot custom stainless steel menorah coming out of a toilet on the roof, and "Master of Puppets" blasting out of the open trunk.

And of course if you don't want to futz with brackets you can always order yourself a Magnet Menorah instead:


Get your Magnet Menorah Today!

Enjoy Chanukah without straps, bulbs or loose wires!

This is fitting, because oppressive straps, bulbs, and loose wires is why the Macabees revolted against the Greeks.

But not all people are emboldened by their car menorah to engage in motor-vehicular mayhem, and for some drivers they even have a traffic-calming effect:


When the light was about to turn yellow, rather than stepping on the gas I slowed down. I mean, how embarrassing to fly through a borderline red light with a menorah on the top of the car! I let cars pass, I was more patient, I smiled at passing drivers. After all, it was not about me, it was about the message I was carrying.

Must be a regional thing.  Here the message they're carrying is "Fuck you."

As for the gentile equivalent of the car menorah, I suppose it must be those stupid automotive reindeer costumes:




Every time I see one of these I cringe (and it's a lot of cringing, because there are morons who leave them on through March), but I admit the kids love 'em.  Mine are free to enjoy them now, but I'm keeping a list, and at 13 I'm going to sit them down and tell them all the stuff they're not allowed to like anymore.

Anyway, nothing beats the real thing:


And while you're in the holiday spirit, remember that if you live in the Boston area it's not too late to have your Christmas Tree delivered to you by bike:


Wait a minute.  So he sets up the Christmas tree for you while wearing a Santa suit?  I can't think of a better way to ruin Christmas for the kids than forcing them to watch some skinny bike dork with a chainring tattoo on his Santa pants wrestling with an evergreen in your living room:


And no matter where you live, you should of course make sure the tree itself is sufficiently smug:



You can cut an invasive species near your house, as Portland resident Charles Maclean did last year.

“In the spirit of a non-commercial holiday and responsible land stewardship,” he said he has decorated an invasive English holly bush instead of a traditional tree.

Maclean says there are fewer needles, it stays green longer, it takes invasive plants off the land, raises awareness of what invasives look like, and gives people a new way of thinking about Christmas trees.


Okay, I just thought of a better way to ruin Christmas for the kids, and that's waking up to find all your presents underneath a fucking weed.

It's all enough to make you say, "Screw it, I'm getting a Moox:"



It's the bike-cum-scooter for the aggro schluffer in you:


Even fixie riders will be impressed:


But wait...he's not going to...



Oh, yes he is:


Just put a menorah on that thing and there's nowhere it can't go.

88 comments:

Dude said...

Scranus

ricochet said...

Bike Scum Will Remain

Anonymous said...

Top Tree!

the Jimboner said...

in there!

GreySpoke said...

what?

Bromptonaut said...

Damn! Could have made podium but read it first. Idiot!

Happy Unicorn said...

THE NATURE OF FRED-DOM

Spokey said...


at least top tempest

Synonymous said...

Red light! Green light! Gotta get me a light bar for my gravel bike. I'm sure they make one that will stick to my steel helment.

dnk said...

Lagging strand.

Anonymous said...

Is the moox gravel ready?

McFly said...

Ride the (Candle) Lightening!

bad boy of the north said...

as the brits might say...."that's bloody deer".you're welcome.

Flum-mooxed said...

Bake-Mooxe?

Mooxe-Fiets

Anonymous said...

Longtime reader and enjoyer of the blog, and the commenter’s as well, and I’m a very infrequent commenter meself...
I had to finally send a response, as like Leroy had mentioned yesterday, I too, with my 22,000 or so days on earth and my riding was also recently close to over. I went undetected on an issue and had to be opened-up like a clam, yet it was my constant riding that somehow seemed to save me…I just knew there was a problem and pestered those guys in the glass offices with the white coats and cold tables until they had their AHA! moment on me.
And yeah, the bendy handlebar bike is steel, it is lugged, and I recently put a compact on it, cause I can’t pull that dinner plate up the hills to Thacher anymore. It rides like a Barcalounger.
My not bendy handlebar MTB is a lovely Ti HT steed purchased as ‘Happy Birthday to Me’ a decade ago. It’s like jewelry to me. It has 26 inch wheels, and its seat tube will never be penetrated by a dropper post. I mean really, who here really, with the exception of that turtlehead CJ, gives a shit about bigger wheels and an adjustable seat height? What? It’ll make ya a minute faster perhaps? I’m just thrilled to be out there at all still making circles. Which is similar to WCRM and the commenter’s here that make clear the x factor in riding…. that technology or newness is no replacement for fun, mixed with a wee bit of old dude skill.
Love murph.

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

I have had moox for decades, just don't touch the blisters.

McFly said...

Why the fuck didn't they name it the Holiday Initiative of Pedestrian Safety? (H.I.P.S.)

Whoever is in charge of naming shit should be fired with prejudice.

Francois said...

That Moox thing is nothing new. The design has been around since at least the 50s. This book shows one example (you can see it on one of the previews), and show the good thing about that stuff: it's pretty easy to take a passenger (adult or child).
And actually, the french city of Bordeaux is in the process of replacing all their share bikes with a scooter/bike hybrid (called Pibal).

Anonymous said...

Man Show Dead Deer Prank

Thanks Amazing Grace from last Friday!

Anonymous said...

Great post, Snob. Really gets me in the holiday spirit!

bad boy of the north said...

Moox synthesizer

N/A said...

Top 47!

dnk said...

That video is a little disturbing, especially if you're not enamored with the idea of religious fundamentalists running law enforcement.

One of the worst parts of my daily bike commute is Division/Harrison Aves in Brooklyn. Rules of the road, always spotty in NYC, are over-the-top ignored. No cops anywhere (well, what good would cops do?). Instead there are fat dudes wearing religious beanies and sporting luxuriant long hair ringlets ride around in SUVs acting like Popeye Doyle in the French Connection.

My question: is there any similar thing to the "Shomrim" in NYC? Do Hindus, Sikhs, Muslims, Catholics, Evangelical Christians, Rastafarians, or any other holy rollers get to play NYPD, put flashy lights and sirens on their vehicles and drive around like maniacs?

A google search indicates these people might be paid by the taxpayers of New York.
http://www.nypdshomrim.org/shomrim.html

Anybody know what is the deal?

janinedm said...

I saw the menorah car heading north on CPW last week after work. It was corking up the intersection then too. The driver was taking a right from the center lane onto a cross street which was already clogged. It got stuck in the intersection, blocking 3 lanes of traffic (1 bike lane. 2 auto lanes). I briefly crossed over into oncoming traffic to get around it. The menorah car messed up traffic so bad that once I got around the knot, there were zero cars for 5-10 blocks. Now, I had to watch the video on mute; does it also show how the menorah car plays music at a crazy volume? Like, approaching ambulance volume? Well it does.

Mr Plow said...

"Almost yellow light" wtf. Here in Boston we call that green.

Anonymous said...

There was a dude in the median in front of the W-Burg Bridge (Manhattan side) last week playing Hanukkah muzack of the special CheezWiz variety amplified to the heights of annoyance.

A hasidic cop (are they cops?) was parked there with him, lights flashing.

P. Bateman said...

know why santa is dropping stuff off at my house on the 17th? because its my birthday and he said i've been such a good little boy this year.

i really hope he brings me: 5 gold bars, 4 eight balls, 3 co-eds, 2 5ths of bourbon and one brooks saddle in white.

Anonymous said...

Dude, looks like too much stress. You should start up the NYC version of Bike Party SJ. Group ride (thousands), start at 8:00 pm one Friday/month, take a lane on the boulevards, stop for regroups with food trucks (plus beverages, etc, but please, don't ride under the influence says the web site...) Bring lights and sound. All ages and types. Good bike karma.

lord god hummungus said...

just walk away

P. Bateman said...

for the other 7 days of gifts i told santa to feed the hungry and make charitable donations in my name.

i'm not greedy.

Roille Figners said...

Good one today Snobberino. If I can paraphrase Ms. Crispe for a minute, "I mean, how embarrassing to [drive anywhere or do anything at all ever] with a menorah on the top of the car!" Maybe the sanctifying holiness of Chanukah will not just make people better drivers, it'll shame them into staying the fuck home altogether! (But they should still be sure and wear a neon yellow outfit in their living room, in case a car plows in there and needs to see them.)

Anonymous said...

WCRM: Pleez play "Kill em All" while driving around your Metal Up Your Ass Toilet Menorah. It's more accurate. The historically astute, religious metal zealots would be offended otherwise. Thx.

Spokey said...

New York City Cracking Down on Drivers Near Senior Centers - The New York Times

plan to eliminate traffic deaths, on the same day a 62-year-old woman was killed by a bus in Brooklyn

what! at 62 she was a young chippie! master bateman was probably trying to get her number when he suddenly remembered fl passed a law against necrophilia.

Anonymous said...

The warden must have revoked Ted K.'s internet access today.

Matt BK said...

Top 40! All you haters get me on rotation.

P. Bateman said...

when we florida folks see a law...we scoff.

Grump said...

One advantage of that Mooks bike is that, with that platform, you could probably carry a 52" TV home. I'm all for protecting old people (specially when they are on a bike)

Anonymous said...

I was really hoping "all the stuff they're not allowed to like anymore." was going to be a link. Could we have the list for use on our own human children?

Spokey said...

don't need no stinkin Kickstarter

Support the Moox Bike, the first-of-its-kind bicycle-scooter hybrid.

really? lil' sis bought one of these pre plastic hip number 2 as she couldn't handle even a normal step through:

http://www.sun.bike/product_detail.php?cl2=BIKE+PATH&cl3=STREAMWAY

Dooth said...

Moox bike hero put tears in my eyes.

Fred Nifacent said...

Nice to see Ted Nugent driving a Ford.

Roille Figners said...

Oh yeah Metallica. Wish I could say "Yeah I listened to them back when they were good." Well I did, but uh, they weren't. Like a lot of things I liked then. SNL is another good example. Until recently I was like "Yeah that show is fucking stupid now." But then I went & watched some from back in the day, expecting better, but they were fucking stupid too. So now I just say "I'm old." Which is a self-deprecating way of saying, everything sucks and I am now finally mature enough to be able to tell it sucks.

Anonymous said...

A combo scooter and bike? Why that's as stupid as a combo bike and say a bed. oh wait, that would be a recumbent. I like to cycle but prefer to do so lying down.

sTONEdEADLAND said...

R.F., you're pretty much spot-on with the point about Metal 'licka being meh. However, an occasional Cliff Burton solo still does it for me.

Shoot, that's nothin', deer on the car. In my hometown in the 80's there would have also been a couple spotted owls adorning it. Better than those antler/nose atrocities!

Anonymous said...

dnk,

On the same page with you. Short answer to your question is no, I don't think that there are equivalent groups to the Shomrim in NYC. The "deal" is enabled by local politicians and the PD kowtowing in response to political leverage and contributions. Pretty shameful but it's been happening for decades. Although I do have to say that I'm surprised that the Manhattan precincts allowed what was in that
video.

Bryan said...

The end of the Moox thingy kinda freaked me out when he tried to sing in a falsetto. It was beyond awkward.

Instead of filming those asshole corking traffic, I would have called the police and said that there were people imitating police officers. Reading the comments to that was slightly disturbing how it sorta changed into a rant about bicycles.

Going to be in NYC next week! I'll keep my eye out for a man in an Inspector Gadget jacket...though I am really looking forward to meeting up with Bibshorts Guy and Boris and Recumbabe. We are all throwing a party in my hotel room...you should stop on by!

BamaPhred said...

Joy of Hannukah? Is that something like the Joy of Christmas, to which my brother-in-law once snarked at 2AM of Christmas Morning, It's not Christmas until someone is crying, as my spouse and her sister were futzing with the kids toys trying to get them just right under the tree. I had long since been banned from even trying.

ken e. said...

wtf? skateparks are about transitions and rails and what-not, not popping a wheelie (mind is totally blown that the geometry of that thing can even wheelie) IN THE FLATS. don't get me started on fundamental religiousity. one phrase for both topics: are you fucking kidding me?

Roille Figners said...

Continuing the pictorial history of Roille Figners' onetime wall posters, I had this one at some point...

Jesse Jackson said...

You've heard of Hymie-town?

leroy said...

Well thank goodness for today's post.

Last week, on the Brooklyn Bridge, I rode through an oncoming group of Lubavitchers on giant tricycles trailing even larger Chanukah banners exuberantly racing up the pedestrian and bike lanes. The banners nearly took out a guy on a cargo bike ahead of me when he tried to thread between them.

My dog didn't believe me.

He says my mind plays tricks on me because I'm the only one it can fool.

But I know what I saw.

That I escaped unscathed was a Festivus miracle.

ChamoisJuice said...

Hasidim, but I can't believe 'em

Anonymous said...

Hesh from the Sopranos

crosspalms said...

"An advisory distributed to members of the news media" sounds so much more serious and attention-worthy than "press release."

Sick of this Shit said...

Some days I just lack the energy to care.

Anonymous said...

the x-mass-tree-delivered-by-bike ad says "In-Stand Setup, Santa Suit & Removal Available!"

Hope the mean tree removal and not suit removal.

Puke Puke said...

From that Shomrim link above:

"Law Enforcement Officers of the Jewish faith may join together for the Welfare of all"

Except during Jewish Holidays when all may be disturbed and inconvenienced for the welfare of Law Officers of the Jewish Faith.

Can you call Shomrim officers pigs too, or is that a hate-crime?

Anonymous said...

Belated congrats to Leroy on his 70 mile ride. Long way for his dog to go, whose just been laying around doing nothing but making comments for five weeks.

David G said...

I'm a Moox? What's a Moox?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TswwON_Hs1M

Anonymous said...

So what was the purpose of the fanatics blocking the intersection? According to the Torah was it a religious day of no driving motor vehicles unless they had a menorah on the roof? Taped over license plate, now that has to be a crime. Attire from the 1950's, umm, shouldn't they be dressed like it was 2,000 years ago? The two cops sitting on stools across the street in the Duncan Donuts; too bad their backs were towards the street, or they could have napped the whole gang. The driver put a curse on the cameraman, told him his cat was going to be dead when he got home. Cameraman goes a buys a bottle of Prosecco.

Pouring blood on a public highway must be some kind of violation. By the time he got home his car was probably full of deer ticks. The Soprano's don't even bother throwing their hits into the trunk anymore, just throw them on the rear window.

Anonymous said...

Is Ms. Babble still in bed?

Anonymous said...

"...with my 22,000 or so days on earth and my riding was also recently close to over..."

2,500+/- days behind that. Based on what is known now, not being able to see the road is what will end my riding days (assuming there is nothing undetected that happens first.) Like the recovering drunks say, take it one day at a time and try to do some of the things you enjoy, while you can.

1904 Cadardi said...

10" of snow out here in the mountainy rectangle state which would be perfect day for a fatbike. Or if you have pride, sitting inside and drinking hot chocolate. Despite a lack of pride I'll still go with the chocolate.

Anonymous said...

Oh come on. Wildcat uses the phrase "bike-cum-scooter" in a post, and there's no reaction in the comments? I am disappoint.

JB said...

Hi Disappoint. Welcome! I am jok.

Anonymous said...

Joe Rogan Experience #737 - Lance Armstrong

Spokey said...


1904

or a k-cup cider finished with the vodka or rum of your choice. or two. or three. until

NYPD said...

Some criminality suspected, but still unlikely to be charged with anything because we are too fucking lazy to deal with the hassle.

dop said...

scrotal recall

Anonymous said...

isn´t it rectal scroll?

Luv You Deerly said...

That car is only worth a couple of bucks.

dop said...

I got nothing.

Tired of self righteous bigots said...

Why would you need to pass a law against necrophilia? The dead don't mind and respect for all, right?

JLRB said...

Excellent Holiday Season Edition

Thanks for the cheer

Anonymous said...

"I got nothing."

Must be Ted K's fault.

Anonymous said...

Scooting the Moox will shred the the skin off your calves with the pedals protruding.

Next Kickstarter is retractable pedals.

Anonymous said...

Not bad snobbie, but the highlight of my day was Rand Paul humiliating Chris Crisco Christie

N/A said...

This week's euphemism:

"Scooting the Moox"

BamaPhred said...

Should have a dance, maybe something like "Moox Scooting Boogie"
Yes, it's lame, I'll admit.

babble on said...

Wait, you have 17 children under the age of 13?! Yeowza. Buy that woman a Bentley, Santa Baby.

Roille Figners said...

Scoot the MOOOOX
Cuz what ya got's been scot to heeeaaalll

Ryan Kelley said...

Every once in a while, I think "I don't like the Bike Snob anymore. He is an idiot and doesn't like me anyway." Then I read a blog post like this, laugh out loud, and conclude that he is funny, poignant and relevant.

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