"Miracle on 34th Street, No Criminality Suspected"

Good news, seniors of New York City!

("What are we cheering for?")

Drivers may keep running you over, but here comes the NYPD to the rescue!

Police officers will target drivers who commit moving violations like speeding and failing to yield to pedestrians near senior centers during times when there are large numbers of people in those areas, officials said in an advisory distributed to members of the news media. The effort, called the Holiday Pedestrian Safety Initiative, began Monday and is expected to run until Sunday, according to the advisory.

It's bad enough the police don't just do this all the time, but it's especially offensive that the so-called "Holiday Pedestrian Safety Initiative" ends on Sunday, which is a full five days before Christmas.  Basically, if the NYPD were Santa Claus, he'd dump a bunch of unwrapped presents on your porch on like December 17th, ring your doorbell, and drive away.

But yeah, take advantage of the "Holiday Pedestrian Safety Initiative" while you can, because after Sunday it's time to lube up that artificial hip and start running for your life again.

Meanwhile, speaking of the holidays, check out these assholes blocking traffic and shoving the joy of Hanukkah in your face:



As you can see in the video, men who appear to be Shomrim are corking traffic in SUVs equipped with police lights and sirens. One of the men blasts a Rumbler-type siren when Turco tries to get video of his license plate, which was taped over.

We called the NYPD public information office to ask if the department authorized the caravan, and if people who aren’t police are allowed to disrupt traffic and have vehicles with lights and sirens. We were directed to send an email, which is NYPD’s way of saying “Go away.”

See, in New York City drivers are allowed to do whatever they want, and religious fundamentalist lunatics who vote in blocs are allowed to do whatever they want, so this means a renegade Hanukkah motorcade is essentially an unstoppable juggernaut--basically the equivalent of Lord Humungus's Marauders, only with payos:

And if you'd like to take part, all you need is a Honda Odyssey, an aversion to pork, and a six foot stainless steel car menorah:

Menorah includes mounting brackets and ten standard bulbs.

Three types of signs are available: either "Chabad wishes you a Happy Chanukah", "Happy Chanukah" or "Lubavitch wishes you a Happy Chanukah." Signs can also be customized for orders of three or more Menorahs.

Shipping is available.

I'm going with the full custom for next year, and I've already emailed them my design:

If you need me I'll be corking the intersection with THE CAR THE BANK OWNS UNTIL I FINISH PAYING THEM BACK, a six foot custom stainless steel menorah coming out of a toilet on the roof, and "Master of Puppets" blasting out of the open trunk.

And of course if you don't want to futz with brackets you can always order yourself a Magnet Menorah instead:

Get your Magnet Menorah Today!

Enjoy Chanukah without straps, bulbs or loose wires!

This is fitting, because oppressive straps, bulbs, and loose wires is why the Macabees revolted against the Greeks.

But not all people are emboldened by their car menorah to engage in motor-vehicular mayhem, and for some drivers they even have a traffic-calming effect:

When the light was about to turn yellow, rather than stepping on the gas I slowed down. I mean, how embarrassing to fly through a borderline red light with a menorah on the top of the car! I let cars pass, I was more patient, I smiled at passing drivers. After all, it was not about me, it was about the message I was carrying.

Must be a regional thing.  Here the message they're carrying is "Fuck you."

As for the gentile equivalent of the car menorah, I suppose it must be those stupid automotive reindeer costumes:

Every time I see one of these I cringe (and it's a lot of cringing, because there are morons who leave them on through March), but I admit the kids love 'em.  Mine are free to enjoy them now, but I'm keeping a list, and at 13 I'm going to sit them down and tell them all the stuff they're not allowed to like anymore.

Anyway, nothing beats the real thing:

And while you're in the holiday spirit, remember that if you live in the Boston area it's not too late to have your Christmas Tree delivered to you by bike:

Wait a minute.  So he sets up the Christmas tree for you while wearing a Santa suit?  I can't think of a better way to ruin Christmas for the kids than forcing them to watch some skinny bike dork with a chainring tattoo on his Santa pants wrestling with an evergreen in your living room:

And no matter where you live, you should of course make sure the tree itself is sufficiently smug:

You can cut an invasive species near your house, as Portland resident Charles Maclean did last year.

“In the spirit of a non-commercial holiday and responsible land stewardship,” he said he has decorated an invasive English holly bush instead of a traditional tree.

Maclean says there are fewer needles, it stays green longer, it takes invasive plants off the land, raises awareness of what invasives look like, and gives people a new way of thinking about Christmas trees.

Okay, I just thought of a better way to ruin Christmas for the kids, and that's waking up to find all your presents underneath a fucking weed.

It's all enough to make you say, "Screw it, I'm getting a Moox:"



It's the bike-cum-scooter for the aggro schluffer in you:

Even fixie riders will be impressed:

But wait...he's not going to...

Oh, yes he is:

Just put a menorah on that thing and there's nowhere it can't go.