Make America Grate Again

So what gives?

Yeah, I know we won some medals, but when UCI World Road-Fredding Championships come to MY country--that's Canada's Scranus, Land of the Free, excluding the roughly 2.5 million of us who are presently incarcerated--I expect nothing less than victory in both the elite men's and women's road races, if not a full podium sweep:

(Wouldn't have happened on his watch...or in his race.)

Instead we get some guy from Slovakistan and a woman from "Great" England?

Come on.

Worst of all are the sad-stack stories about Team USA:

(Yeah, Team USA did medal in the women's race, but who's counting?)

Yes, WE KNOW ALL ABOUT TAYLOR PHINNEY'S LEG, it's enough already.

Someone should really invent some sort of drug that makes you faster at riding bicycles.

(The race vest that screams "test me!")

Speaking of America, this past weekend I saw yet another kid wearing a helme(n)t on a tricycle and I snapped:

And it wasn't even a regular tricycle.  It was one that has a handle on it:

Which means it's basically the same as wearing a helme(n)t in a stroller--not to mention the helme(n)t was also way back on the head in the ineffectual "yarmulke" position as is nearly always the case with young children:

Anyway, when I say I "snapped" I mean I "tweeted" about it, because it's 2015 and as a blogger I have to share every brain fart I have.  This compelled someone to point out that, oh no, kids absolutely should wear helme(n)ts when they're sitting on freaking tricycles with snow shovel handles attached to them, because it teaches them to use them as they get older.

Balderdash!  (That's artisanal bullshit.)

If this were true then how come these parents don't do the same thing in other aspects of life?  For example, if your kid's playing Operation:

Shouldn't you at least make them scrub up and wear surgical gloves?

Then I thought about those horrible kiddie SUVs that are replacing bicycles now, and I noticed this kid didn't seem to be wearing his seat belt:

And yes, at least some of these atrocities do apparently come with seatbelts, like this $549.95 Li'L Douche™ battery-powered Range Rover:

Adjustable 5 points safety seat belt for extra safety.

Not only that, but the doors even open so your little shit can "door" the kid on the tricycle--which is why I suppose they need to wear the helme(n)ts.

Gotta start 'em young, you know:

(Via Twitter.)

"He came outta nowhere, Ma!"

By the way, seatbelts aside, if a kid needs a helme(n)t to ride a tricycle, then shouldn't a kid also need a helme(n)t to drive an electric car that goes 5mph and appears to have a dashboard and windshield made out of non-Naderized hard plastic?

And it's not like the "rollbar" is going to help, since it's at about neck level for maximum whiplash.

I mean seriously, how do you not find this fucking depressing?

I'd call it brainwashing if only it wasn't so obvious.

Though I suppose it could be worse and you could be Australian:

A shovel handle, training wheels, and a helme(n)t with straps so loose he could take the thing off like a pair of pants without even unbuckling it.

Anyway, I was reeling from all this when someone alerted me this tweet from some BuzzFucker:

You've got to be one pampered little brat to call that "child abuse," even in jest--especially when you consider the biggest threat to children in New York City is simply walking:

No mention of how many of these children were riding on their parents' bicycles, so I'm going to hazard a guess and say zero.

On top of it all, the above photo was taken in Park Slope.  Park Slope!  Where does he think all the advocates live?  If a driver were to get anywhere near that bike, 50 smugness bloggers on Dutch bikes would descend on them faster than you can say "David Byrne doesn't own a car."

I mean obviously they wouldn't beat up the driver, but they would restrain him with their reusable canvas shopping bags.

This city would be a much better place if people like ButtFeedAndrew would get the fuck out of it.