All's Fairing in Bikes and War

In the canon of anti-cycling literature, Delia Ephron's "Color Me Blue" is seminal:

We have of course analyzed this classic in great detail, and to be fair she makes some great points, such as:

--She should not have to pay attention when she's walking, because that's not what New York City is about;
--When she doesn't pay attention, bicyclists almost hit her, which isn't fair;
--Citi Bikes are blue, and the only thing less authentically New York City than paying attention is the color blue, even though it's the signature color of our transit system, our police force, and most of our sports teams.

Now, however, some new criticism has come to light regarding the work's most compelling passage, in which Ephron argues that there shouldn't be Citi Bikes because something about rom-coms:

Almost all directors and cinematographers know that, in a movie, the color blue pulls focus. If you place a love scene in front of, say, a blue bench, the audience will look at the bench and not the actors. Our city, if you look around, isn’t a blue city, or wasn’t until the bikes arrived. With the exception of Times Square, where loud clashing colors are the point, our city is browns, grays, greens and brick red.

Oh yeah?  Here's what an expert has to say about that:

"blue pulls focus"??!!  What the F%# are they talking about? I've been a cinematographer for 30 years, and I even wrote THE book on film slang " Strike the Baby and Kill the Blonde- an insider's guide to film slang."

"Pulling focus" only refers specifically to the assistant cameraperson manually dialing the lens barrel in order to follow focus on a moving actor.

Nothing about "blue", nothing about drawing attention...

Trust me, I was the focus puller on "Toxic Avenger".

Dave Knox

Notice how he oh-so-casually name-drops one of the greatest atomic waste mutation-themed exploitation films of the mid-1980s, like it's no big deal:

In the biz, we call that "modesty."

And here's his book:

I plan to gift one to Delia Ephron this holiday season.

In the meantime, now that Citi Bike has launched a new dedicated system exclusively for Christians, perhaps we'll see some more positive press for a change:

(Citi Bike JC)

Well, at least I'm assuming that's what "Citi Bike JC" means:

Braise the Lard and Holy Luau!

Ah-meh.

And a very merry "Yum, Kipper!" to my Jewist friends:

(It's the Day of Atonalment, you know.)

Sure, go ahead and close the schools again, it's not like the kids have to learn anything.

Speaking of kids and learning, I've been using my WorkCycles to schlep my human child to school for the three goddamn days it's been open so far during the religious holiday shitshow that is September:

As a local runabout I do prefer this bike to the Big Dummy, partially because of the upright position, but mostly because the shorter wheelbase makes it much easier to park.

(For long trips I'd give the advantage to the Big Dummy, which is decidedly "sportier" since it's basically a regular mountain bike with a giant ass.)

Also, I like to use the footrests as highway pegs on the way back:

It's hard not to feel smug when you're the only parent who uses a bike to take your kid to school, especially when you're bypassing all the triple-parked SUVs.  In fact, because my neighborhood is thick with schools, I pass through three separate school drop-offs in the morning, each one of them an abject clusterfuck due to parental car-dependence.  Granted, as soon as I finish teaching him how to make a weapon from a toothbrush I'll make him take the schoolbus, but in the meantime I'm flying the flag of smugness.

Then I headed to the train station, where you'd think they'd have at least one goddamn bike rack, but you'd be wrong:

I pointed this out to the MTA police officers nearby because I was concerned that if I just locked my bike anywhere they might remove it.  However, they assured me I could simply "use my discretion."  I take this to mean that they've identified it as a terrorist threat, and that they are currently transporting it to a remote location in order to detonate it.

Ironically, there was a bike rack at my destination station, which means it would have been more convenient to simply take the bike on the train with me and lock it up once I got there.

Anyway, if they do blow up my bike I'm sure they'll claim it was security for the Pope's visit, though as I understand it today he's in Washington, DC, where a reader spotted this:

According to said reader, the (unharmed) cyclist was standing nearby, talking on his cellphone and refusing to remove the bike until the police arrived:

I'm going to go ahead and assume that the driver rear-ended him, though I'm sure the police will determine that the cyclist must have backed into him.

Incidentally, the photo comes courtesy of "A. Fred," who also happened to win one of the Classic Cycle-sponsored BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz bonus questions:

See that?  That's what victory looks like.

And this is what a bike condom looks like:


Not only does the bike condom blend seamlessly with your modern decor, but it also prevents your human child from ensnaring himself in the bicycle's workings:

Maybe they should order some for that deadly Citi Bike station that's perilously close to a Manhattan public school.

Frankly, I'm not convinced that a bike condom is the way to go (I simply run a mild electric charge through my bikes to discourage juvenile tampering), though at the very least they could have included some dual functionality by making it double as a fairing:

Still, according to the video, the bike world is abuzz over this velocipedal phrophilactic:

"Velosock has captured the attention of the world's leading bicycle blogs."

That's incredible!  How did they get footage of my office?!?

"And it's been given the stamp of approval from the world's biggest expos."

Translation: they paid the exhibitor fee.

Then again, we probably shouldn't be encouraging Aero-Freds to ride with fairings, as this video in which one such rider collides with a wheelchair clearly illustrates:



The above video came via a reader via Reddit--and this image, which further impugns triathlets, came from Klaus of Alps and Andes via Reddit:

Now you know why they need to have those straws sticking up from their handlebars.