Monday, September 14, 2015

Ain't That A Kickstart In the Head

Yesterday saw the running of Transportation Alternatives's [?]th annual NYC Century Bike Tour, which I previewed last month right here on this very blog:


I would have liked to have taken part, but I ultimately succumbed to various and manifold life-curation responsibilities.  Instead, I was sort of an incidental spectator, inasmuch as my corner of the city represents the "hilly" portion of the route and riders were streaming through the area in dribs and drabs throughout most of the afternoon.  In addition to not riding, I also regret not setting up a de facto Bike Snob NYC-sponsored rest area, where I could have served crudités and other light fare while simultaneously promoting my blogging enterprise to people on the verge of physical and mental collapse.

In any case, congratulations to the finishers, you're all winners*.

*[None of you are winners, even the "winner," since it's not a race.]

Speaking of the Century, part of its mission was to build support for "Vision Zero."  Sadly, despite the valiant efforts of advocates such as Transportation Alternatives, the initiative seems to be derailing like a G train.  In fact, just this morning I caught a snippet of a local news segment about yet another push to institute mandatory helme(n)t laws in New York City, which I couldn't bear to watch.

I can assure you if such a measure were to pass I would leave town faster than you can say "polystyrene."

(Actually, a helme(n)t law might be a good thing.  I've been trying to leave town for 20 years without success, so this could furnish me with the the motivation I need.)

Meanwhile, it's September, which is the most important time of year for bicycle marketing.  No, I'm not referring to Interbike.  I'm talking about all the new Kickstarter campaigns that have finally "dropped" now that the summer's over.

Let's take a look.

The 2015 fall season is shaping up to be an exciting time in the an(n)als of Kickstarter, and indeed there is no component or aspect of bicycle design that these would-be entrepreneurs are leaving unmolested.  Consider this pedal, which occupies the middle ground between platform and clipless:



While providing the advantages of neither:


Really, a flat pedal that requires proprietary shoes?

What's next, bib jeans?

One noteworthy aspect of the campaign is that for only $5 you get to name the company, and here's my suggestion:

Sure, it doesn't really have anything to do with the actual product, but it sounds like something that would appeal to the bouncy-bikes-and-baggy-shorts set.

Also, "Honey Comb" was already taken:



Bicycle license plates were part of an Automotive Industrial Complex conspiracy to soften up the next generation to the idea of bicycle registration.

Fortunately it didn't work on me, because thanks to my unusual first name they never had a plate for me on the spinny display rack at the bike shop:


Yes, my real name is Torvald.  "Wildcat" is just a nickname.

Still, you'd think someone would have made a "Torvald" bike license plate.  Come on, he's the husband in "A Doll's House," for chrissakes!  I have a hard time believing that makers of novelty products aren't familiar with Ibsen.

Here's another Kickstarter which dares to reinvent the very essence of frame design itself:



You may recall that, in "The Jerk," Navin R. Johnson dreamed of one day having "S"-shaped hedges.  Well, today he surely would have pined for an "S"-shaped fixie:


"The shape of the bike was inspired by the tucked cycling position that track cyclists and road cyclists adopt when traveling at speed."

See?


"This shape was simple yet elegant, and revealed a whole new visual to what a bike could look like."

No it didn't:


"Our focus has always been simplicity, as we wanted to produce a stripped-down fixed bike without all the unnecessary extras you see on traditional bikes."

Unnecessary extras?  You mean like stupid swoopy frames?

Also, the bike may be designed to evoke the grace of a racer in an aero tuck, but this is negated when the bike is piloted by somebody with terrible form who looks like he's plunging a toilet:


"One thing that you'll notice if you own a Sync bicycle is the number of double-takes people give you as you pull up at the lights or just pass people by."

You'll notice the same effect if you defecate in public, so I'm not sure double-takes is much of a selling point.

I'm a bit more bullish on these DriBarz hand fairings:


Which are exactly what they sound like:


Though the pitch gets off to a somewhat rocky start:


"Hi, I'm Jay.  I'm an engineer and an avid cyclist."

As a seasoned Kickstarter investor my brain shuts down as soon as I heard the words "engineer" and "avid cyclist" used together, just as Hollywood producers slink away when they hear "screenwriter" and "barista."  Indeed, all cyclists fancy themselves to be one or both of the following:

1) An engineer;
2) An urban planner.

Still, if you ride in the cold and rain it's not a bad idea:


It also seems a bit more useful than the Bar Mitts:



No, no, I said "BAR MITTS!!!"


Goddamn voice-recognition blogging program.

Lastly, why stop with a hand fairing when you can put one all over your body?



Meet Elon Muskrat:


He's going to revolutionize personal transport, and I can't believe the Automotive Industrial Complex didn't have him executed for attempting to do so in front of our nation's most hallowed landmarks:


(It looks like it has a wang.)

Here's the inventor cruising around the capital:


Seems a little bulky.  If only there were a human-powered vehicle you could also carry up stairs and that was narrow enough to cut through traffic, maybe one with two wheels that weighs around 20lbs:


Oh well, I'm sure if someone comes up with one we'll see it on Kickstarter.

In the meantime, I can't wait to share the crosswalk with the Pupa of Smugness:


That doesn't seem like it would annoy pedestrians at all.


91 comments:

Neil said...

for the win!

Neil said...

and I'm not even wearing my aero helment...

dop said...

scranus

P. Bateman said...

EGG-cellent post! those little pods look like a rolling egg.

okay. now to go read. damn early birds. they are the worst birds.

Anonymous Coward said...

ERLY DORS
BEFOR TED

P. Bateman said...

photos from the first ever Ginzvelo commuter race:

http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/x/sperm-egg-22965508.jpg

N/A said...

Top tennis?

Mark Ifi said...

.

Anonymous said...

Brasil!

Novac Djokovic said...

no, I AM TOP TENNIS

Anonymous said...

top 10 alsjfowieeiof

Anonymous said...

Good Morning all!

cycle

Jon Webb said...

You can tell that the DriBarz guy really is an engineer, because he's just a little bit too honest:
"Let's be clear, if you don't already try facing the elements, cold or wet, DriBarz is a solution to a problem you don't have...

Here's the secret: If you stay out long enough all your rain gear is going to give up, DriBarz included...

We found that a bigger concern is sweat from the inside of the jacket running into your gloves, because there is nowhere else for it to go..."

bad boy of the north said...

i'll give you the dribarz when you pry the pieces of it from my cooled,dried hands.
(after I crash)

dop said...

No Djoke, he's the best

JLRB said...

DriBalz

wishiwasmerckx said...

There are plenty of DriBarz if you live in Salt Lake City.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Your real name is not Torvald, it's Ish Kabibble.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Your birth certificate says "Janet Weiss;" your parents changed it to "Eben" when Rocky Horror Picture Show came out and everyone began to mock you instead of just the schoolkids.

wishiwasmerckx said...

...Oh, and by the way, Rabbi Goldstein would like a word with you about you posting on Rosh Hashanah...

crosspalms said...

That Sync looks like a bike rack with wheels.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Like the new Workcycles linkway with Scenes of apocalyptic destruction and mayhem. And fresh squid.

Bryan said...

I'm back from my own hi-ate-us! Glad to see this place didn't fall to shit while I was away. Digging your new workcycles. Looking forward to seeing more of that around.

grog said...

Mandatory helments for auto drivers.

N/A said...

I believe that every man, woman, and child should wear a helment during all waking hours, regardless of activity being performed. Elbow and knee pads wouldn't be a bad idea, either.

streepo said...

Nice effort today, Torvald Rock Machine

balls™ said...

I'll read it later.

I went into one of those stores that sells bikes and biking accessories to see if I could get some generic replacements for so sweat-rotted helment pads. Guy tried to tell me I needed a new helment, argumentative little salesman. Nope, STFU.

I bought replacement pads online.

McFly said...

The GINZVELO looks as though it could keep a pungent fart around for a really long while. He should call it the Poot Capsule.

Anonymous said...

Hi! I'm a BubbleBoy! On Purpose!

BamaPhred said...

Maybe should change RTMS to Rip Torvald Mug Shot?

CommieCanuck said...

Sad news, Elon Muskrat died today after riding back to work from a Chipotle on three-bean burrito day.
The cause was declared as non-erotic asphyxiation.

P. Bateman said...

i do love that Elon Bubble Boy somehow thinks that thing is more safe than a bike.

i guess the thinking must be that if foam on your head works, then foam around your whole body will be unstoppable!

i dont think i would want to run into a heavy set pedestrian in that thing.

hey Elon, we already have these little small electric vehicles...they are called golf carts. and you dont look like an insane person driving one. well, unless you are an insane person and happen to have a golf cart.

Roille Figners said...

Commie you got my hopes up... getting sick of the real Elon and his brain-farts.

Anonymous said...

I for one am looking forward to having some 200 degree air coming right off the asphalt "wafting" over me in my Ginzvelo; and knowing that it's "more safer in traffic" is a big selling point as well....won't need a helme(n)t

bubblybrittney said...

Oh look, a recumbent with a shell on it. So glad someone finally thought of this. I have another original idea. Make it cost more than a car. And make it impossible to shop for one in person. I can't wait to not buy one!

yer russian said...

Hey, Bar Mitts are great! I got them on 2 of my bikes, they keep my hands warm at 30 degrees with no gloves, and minimal gloves down to 10 degrees American. They are meant to keep your hands warm in winter, not dry in the rain, even though they do that as well. Living in Minneapolis, we get to test them for 5-months every year. Good stuff.

Spencer said...

+1 for the bar mitts fa me....it is getting on to that time of year. How about a kickstarter for a handlebar mounted Kleenex dispenser?

Bob Patterson said...

Gee have toe straps disappeared from the face of the earth? And a sort of cheap hand warmer - STAY HOME!

dop said...

bubblybrittney-

you didn't list snark as one of your interests:

spirituality, positive thinking, aerobics, puppies, relationships, reincarnation, crystals, guns, ammo, Wicca, meditation, fun stuff, ceramics, movies

Freddy Murcks said...

We need more BORT license plates in the Gift Shop. Repeat, we are sold out of Bort license plates.

Two Claws said...

A dolls house? Is that Buddy Ibsen?

Freddy Murcks said...

It's America's Top 40 with your host Freddy Murcks.

Anonymous said...

velosnews.com: Specialized/Sinyard sue Sync bike for trademark infringement. "The Big, Swoopy S is mine, I tell ya, ALL MINE", said Mike-y...

Anonymous said...

Stop… stop!

You had me at “Pupa”...

Roille Figners said...

bib jeans

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Missed the Friday quiz as I was busy dunking another drone into Coney Island Creek.
Found it. Got the chip, ... that's all that matters!!

Borrowing some Snobby verbiage, I did a Brotastic MTB ride with my nephew in Gerritsen Beach Park and Calvert Vaux / Drier Offermann Park 9/12. I did not feel too bad about my pace after not even looking at my commuter bike for a week and a half. Got to actually take the off road bike off road to soft sand, single track, double track, weeds, etc. And actually cleaned the thing to keep the flesh eating Amoebas out of the house.

Got a pair of 650b Grand Boyz Hachoos in the mail to set up another Peug PX50 as a commuter. Basically I am putting off all this house work that I promised myself I would do on the first 2 days of VayKay.
I gotta go and procrastinate some more.

vsk

dop said...

Roille-

Your bib jeans photo is the definitive answer to the question: Why do farmers with long thumbs smile so much?

DICK FRED said...

I have a lot of bicycle license plates.

My favorites are DICK and FRED.
I'm a lot of both, but the bike-nerd hairy touring Fred, not the weight-weenie Fred.
That's too expensive, I won't buy razor blades, never mind light wheelsets.

I'll look for TORVALD, you'd be very surprised what names show up on the racks.

Roille Figners said...

OK I'm ready to critique the swoopy bike. You can't strip away "extras" before you know what they're there for. In this case they have neatly stripped away the bike's structural integrity. Look at the point in the middle where the two tubes join. Imagine that's like a hinge. Most of the rider's weight is pushing down on the saddle trying to turn the top part counterclockwise. Meanwhile the road is pushing up on the rear wheel trying to turn the bottom part clockwise. Because the frame is narrowest at the point where it should be thickest, it closes like a pair of scissors, badabing.

And you need a full-size industrial tube bending machine, maybe even with CNC, to achieve this craptastic result.

Fucking kids man!

JLRB said...

That swooshy fixie bike reminds me of a joke - remember trading places, when Eddie is entertaining that rich duder and he tells the joke about the snail wanting an "S" painted on the top and sides of his Cadillac (The punch line was - so people would look at him go by and say "look at that escargot")

Doesn't work as well with an "S" bike ...

Eddie said...

Judging from these jewels around your girlfriends neck I think you're going to need every penny you have to keep her happy

P. Bateman said...

so Roille - sounds like the frame would be bouncy...like the Ingo Bike?

at the 1:00 min mark....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKdvNLG8TNk

JLRB said...

Handlebar-mustache-u-lock-car-smasher's mom still loves him

Roille Figners said...

If I were a 24-7 tinkerer I would for sure build a wheel like that with the hub off-center, just because. And admittedly the swoopy bike might be kind of fun if it was bouncy, but then again a MTB does the same thing via hinges etc....

the Jimboner said...

pupate or die

Chazu said...

Nicely done.

A BC Deer Eulogist said...

Vancouver's Downtown Deer is dead. Was struck by a car in Stanley Park. Sources say it was not wearing a helmet.

dnk said...

My prototype helment is made of soggy Honey Comb cereal. Kickstart campaign coming soon.

Carlos Caliente said...

Hey Commie Cannuck @12:15

Did you mean "The cause was declared as non-auto-erotic asphyxiation"? Ha ha!

Hey Torvald Rock Machine

No Hi-Ate-Us for Rosh Hashannah? La Sha Na Na Tova!

Comment deleted said...

Inspired by the sight of two dogs humping, is more like it.

Anonymous said...

Almost all of the Ginzu Bike Kickstarter funds are from 2 backers: Mom and Dad.

Regular guy said...

I think I'm sold on the Honeycomb pedals. If you notice @ 2:01, the video clearly shows that you can still use them when you want the pedals aligned with the arch of your foot, or even your heel. Freedom!

The Sync looks like it would be pretty high and tight, might want to stay on your toes while waiting for the green light.

Anonymous said...

Who's up for pedaling around on a bike that some goofball stick welded together?

Freddy Murcks said...

INGO Bike Explained

Anonymous said...

The Stync, vertically AND laterally compliant, like Gumby.

JLRB said...

And then there is the Hula Bike

or you could just, say pedal forfuksake

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

It's Sync-y, It's Sync-y It's fun, it's a wonderful toy.
It's Sync-y, It's Sync-y It's fun, it's a wonderful toy. It
's fun for a girl or a boy.

JLRB said...

It would be awesome if the Pope rode around in the Ginzvelo during next week's visit to DC - the Pope in a pupamobile

JLRB said...

S bike = Form/Function

Elon Muskrat said...

Can you believe my name is Elon Muskrat?

Anonymous said...

"Indeed, all cyclists fancy themselves to be one or both of the following:

1) An engineer;
2) An urban planner."

Ok, you found me out. I'm an engineer, and I'm a wannabe urban planner. There are traffic engineers who work as urban planners, and some of them bike. Wouldn't that be nirvanna?

Dire Rhea said...

I am using a bike clamp to make my QR rear wheel a tiny bit harder to steal. I also just had a late cup of coffee. I feel a Kickstarter coming on.

Anonymous said...

I'm not an engineer, but I play one on the internet. My Kickstarter Project is an artificial human vagina made from a sheep (insert every sheep joke you've heard here). Check out my project at Kickstarter/baabaablacksheephaveyouanycondoms

Anonymous said...

Sigh. I see plenty of boneheaded automobile behavior on a daily basis, but at a certain point we have to admit there's no monopoly.

Last night on the greenway, probably only 50% of cyclists without legally mandated lights - and even with, the joggers are hard to see. And tonight? Well, there was the guy on the citibike who blew through a red light using that handy bell on the pedestrians who had the right of way in the crosswalk (wonder if that law would apply to him if he hit one?). The delivery cyclist on his e-bike going the wrong way up 2nd ave. And then the idiot wearing the dark maroon onesie who decided to walk across 23rd street 50 feet from crosswalk against the light.

Stupidity is sadly widespread... and while we definitely need more protected bike lanes, we wont hit vision zero until we deal with all of it.

babble on said...

OMG that eccentric wheel is just .... sooooo ... eccentric! What happens when you're riding down a hill?? Heh. Can you imagine it at Wooo hoooo hooooo speed? Tell you what. I like a certain sort of up n down kind of bumpy ride, but that is so not it. Nope. That unfortunate invention would leave me - as Bond would say - shaken, not stirred.

You nailed it today Mr Torvaldenstein. I had a right proper belly laugh, a hoot, and a few good chuckles along the way, too. Thanks. I needed that. Big cyber kiss. X


Anonymous said...

I like my wheels like I like my women.

Two of them that are easily serviceable with lots of holes.

Julia Gifford said...

HOW did you miss https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/889699152/the-worlds-first-indoor-bike-cover-velosock ?

Brontodon said...

Wait a minute, wasn't the letter "S" (as in Swoopy frame) copyrighted by Specialized?

DEATH said...

I DON"T CHOOSE...I'M JUST ALONG FOR THE RIDE SO TO SPEAK...THERE I WAS RIDING IN THE BOAT ON THE TRAILOR, RELAXING IN THE SUMMER BREEZE & ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M BACK AT WORK

Scott Bricker said...

The original DriBarz http://bikepgh.org/2015/01/12/freezing-your-mitts-off-check-out-this-great-hack/

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Richard Sneed said...

I have ridden a great deal in rain and other inclement conditions. Afterwards, I experienced an extremely interesting phenomenon…my hands reverted back to their original pre-ride state: warm and dry. Most interesting indeed….

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