Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Let's Wednesday!

Usually bad news flies out of the pro cycling peloton like spent bidons, but occasionally you hear about something positive (no, not that kind of positive, silly), such as Chris Horner letting the poor saps on his obscure cycling team use his lavishly-appointed RV:

The team told Cyclingnews that Horner is not sleeping in the RV this week at the Larry H. Miller Tour of Utah, as per the UCI rule that dictates riders stay in their assigned team lodging, so Airgas-Safeway is using Horner’s 40-foot fifth wheel trailer as the anchor for the team’s parking lot compound.

Indeed, Horner loves his RV, and here he affords us a rare glimpse into the intellectually stimulating life of the pro cyclist:

“You can mingle with the family you’re staying with and then you can go back to your home,” he said. “You can relax. You can stay with training partners, and then when you want to be on your own you can come back, flip the AC on, take a shower, put a movie on there and go to bed on the Temperpedic.

Yes, i's always a treat when Horner turns up in your driveway unannounced, especially around the holidays:

I'm sure Lance Armstrong awoke to that at least once during the Radio Shack days.

Horner's RV also has everything the pro cyclist could possibly need.  There's a bathroom:

Storage space for his toys:

And even a discreet "changing room:"

Which is why Horner implores his guests to familiarize themselves with the emergency exit procedure:

You'll need it when those drug testers come a-knockin':

You don't win the Vuelta at 41 by opening the door to strangers.

In other news of arbitrary physical prowess, yesterday we met Giuliano Calore, the greatest no-hands cyclist the word has ever seen.  Well, if descending the Stelvio on a cockpit-less bicycle seemed a bit whimsical, then it's downright routine compared to "SpikeBoarding" your way up Mt. Tamalpais:

Of course there's no way any sane human would possibly sit through that entire video, so all you need to know is that it's over an hour (!) of this:

You may remember this person from way back in 2012, but you almost certainly forgot him again immediately, which is why the pastime of Fredboarding has completely failed to take the sporting world by storm.

Even Sisyphus is like, "Jeez, get a bike already."

Then again, I'm just jealous, because the closest I got to riding a bike yesterday was watching someone practice barspinzzz on the subway:
He was also wearing tall socks with marijuana leaves on them, as though his state of intoxication was ever in doubt.

Anyway, I did try to check out a Citi Bike later that evening, but my key didn't work, probably because it looks like this now:

At this point it's probably more useful as a roach clip than as a means of accessing a Citi Bike.

Speaking of Citi Bike, the Plaza Hotel has been trying to have the nearby bike share station removed, but the state Supreme Court says it's staying:

The hotel and condominium wants the bright blue Citi Bike rack removed from Grand Army Plaza, a landmark itself. It says the 147-foot-long bike station is an advertising-laden, traffic-clogging eyesore.

Saying the Citi Bike station is responsible for the traffic on 5th Avenue is like saying my cat's farts are responsible for global warming.  As for "advertising-laden," we're talking about 5th Avenue!  Every retailer on the planet is there!  You can buy everything from anally-electrocuted furs to blood diamonds.  And what about this advertising-laden, traffic-clogging eyesore directly across the street?

Hey, Plaza management, there's a message for you at the front desk from Eloise:

But of course we wouldn't want bike share stations offending your classy guests:

(Charlie Sheen leaving the Plaza with his family and his drug dealer.)

The long-awaited announcement comes as the city has added 22 new miles of bike lanes from the Heights to Greenville, and it represents "the next big step in creating a more bike-friendly city," officials said today.

"Jersey City is a diverse community with residents who largely use bikes, mass transit or walk to work," Mayor Steve Fulop said in a statement. "The city's culture and vibrancy make it the perfect place for bike share."

Wow, sounds lovely.  I should probably go visit before those antiquated train tunnels under the Hudson collapse, which should be any day now.

Lastly, here's some Wednesday verse:

My sweet clunker,
My Jewish locked queen,
biking along,
we almost made a connection.
Your hair made an impression.
Locks as old as the bible asserts
Why didn't you join us?
Why didn't I pursue to get your name?

Your skin was olive smooth, toned,
dark eyes, 
A nice 80's bike, solid,
was it a gear switching maniac I had
running up my rear,
it was you,
lock dangling
gears tweaked. 
You apologized, 
I said it wasn't necessary.

I said come with us.
Lets get high.
You said u wish u were.
Lets be together.
Alas, your ass drifted
West on some god forsaken 
Williamsburg street.

may the universe fold 
its light touch upon your forehead
and keep you well.


Suck it, Walt Whitman.


P. Bateman said...

top 1

JB said...

Where's Ted K?

Brian Van said...


P. Bateman said...

hey Ted K - GET SOME!!!!

how do you shoot women and children?

easy, you just don't lead them as much.

Ted K. said...

51. The breakdown of traditional values to some extent implies the breakdown of the bonds that hold together traditional small-scale social groups. The disintegration of small-scale social groups is also promoted by the fact that modern conditions often require or tempt individuals to move to new locations, separating themselves from their communities. Beyond that, a technological society HAS TO weaken family ties and local communities if it is to function efficiently. In modern society an individual’s loyalty must be first to the system and only secondarily to a small-scale community, because if the internal loyalties of small-scale communities were stronger than loyalty to the system, such communities would pursue their own advantage at the expense of the system.

Stump said...


Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Come one !!!

A missed shift and all I get is this lousy T-shirt !?!!?


McFly said...

Camper action seems pretty hot.

dop said...

when deadlocks last in the hallway gloomed

leroy said...

Well this is odd. My dog just invited me to tea at the Plaza.

I think he said tea.

I mean it sounded like tea.

He says it's in the Charlie Sheen room.

Anonymous said...

top 10~!!!

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

OK, going to get more serious about finally getting the crabon fourche off of my Olmo. I am ust going to wait til the bar tape on the other side disintegrates as well.


grog said...

babe alert

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...i learned how to trackstand in the subway trains.

JB said...

I perused the Street View of the CitiBike station in front of The Plaza. The bikes would blend in better if they were painted black and had Cadillac or Lincoln advertising. Those kind of advertising-laden, traffic-clogging vehicles are apparently welcome.

CommieCanuck said...

I like Horner's motorcycle, but it would be preposterous to imply that it had a motor in it. (nervous spartacus laughter)

ken e. said...

babe in toyland?

Carlos Caliente said...

Citibike calling Ben Serotta - Please design us a new more user-friendly and durable key!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

So where was you headed on the subway?

Anonymous said...

Wonder if the stoner poet was the bar-spinzzzz guy:

"He was also wearing tall socks with marijuana leaves on them, as though his state of intoxication was ever in doubt."

"Alas, your ass drifted
West on some god forsaken
Williamsburg street." (where she probably lives)

Mr. Romance

Dooth said...

Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit getting high.

McFly said...

Chris has a KTM on/off road dirting motorsickle so therefore he must be good people.

Although I have worked the KTM more in 6 months than I did the Honda CR250 in 10 years.

crosspalms said...

Speaking of sex-crazed space lizards, when will Trump announce Dennis Rodman as his VP pick?

DB said...

How's the "Free Blago" movement going in Chicago?

BamaPhred said...

Have you ever seen the sex crazed space lizard and chris "fat bastard" christie in the same place, at the same time.

P. Bateman said...

i hope to god Trump wins. i would be thrilled.

he has a point that he's not bought and paid for by outside lobbying groups

Corrections Dept. said...

Isn't that Mt. Tampon?

Roille Figners said...

How much you wanna bet that Charlie Sheen's "trashing" of the room consists of like, leaving a wet towel on the floor or something like that.

"Hey the news doesn't just write itself kid, now spice it up like I said and get the fuck outta my office!"

Should Be Obvious said...

"he's not bought and paid for by outside lobbying groups"

He is an outside lobbing group...for himself and only for himself.

crosspalms said...

Party of one, I think.

crosspalms said...

I heard he ate the pretzels from the minibar and left crumbs on the bed.

Frickus Rungus said...

I heard that Sheen was seen riding a citibike through the hallways and practicing his trackstand in the elevator.

crosspalms said...

Then he called room service and asked if they had Prince Albert in a can.

bieks said...

I just luvs me a good Chris Horner story. Cycling: it's all about the carbon footprint. Bitch.

1904 Cadardi said...

When you see a celebutard leaving a hotel after trashing it, it's because AMEX said no when asked if they would cover another night's damage. (my Ex used to work for that department and they got some interesting calls).

BamaPhred said...

Or maybe he just taped party poppers to guest room doors and pulled the fire alarm.
I deny all knowledge.

PotbellyJoe said...

Horner's 40 foot RV isn't that impressive really.

You have to remember, it may be long, but you need girth to really enjoy it.

"Is that a 40 ft RV, Chris? Do you need that?"

Freddy Murcks said...

Well that was short. Where the hell is the rest of the funny stuff? Too much Wednesday Weed, Snob?

babble on said...

Yes, let's. Wednesday.
Short and sweet, but haven't you heard? You can't use commas anymore. You think I am crazy, but my boss literally, actually told me these words today:

"Commas are so yesterday. People don't really use them anymore; there's just no need for them."

He asked me to stop using commas.

Seriously. I couldn't make this stuff up.

Freddy Murcks said...

Babble - did you tell your boss that, unless you write very short sentences, writing is unintelligible without commas? Short sentences are great for the people with a 3rd grade reading level, but not so exciting for the rest of us.

babble on said...

How could I possibly say anything??! I am still trying to pick my jaw back up off of the floor.

JB said...

Eat shit and die.
Eat, shit, and die.

babble on said...

You don't have to convince me

wats7 said...

Babble. Are you sure he said commas and not condoms?

Spokey said...


would you send all those commas down here. i've been collecting them for years now. yes, maybe it's an addiction, but it's (or its so i dont waste apostrophes either) my addiction. or just get them to portlandia and peaches will bring them next time she swings by.

1904 Cadardi said...


Did your boss actually speak with a semi-colon? I doubt it. Admit it, that's you and your literary sense coming taking over.

Don't suppress it. Let it out.

WCRM uses commas and while he's a retrogrouch (I am as well Snob, so I can call you that) that should sway your boss. If not then maybe he shouldn't be your boss.

I'll take the second option please.

crosspalms said...

I think the original Oxford Comma is in a museum in England, but apparently these guys just don't care.

babble on said...

One of the most poignant lines I ever heard as a young woman was "Neurotics build castles in the sky. Psychotics live there." I LAUGHED out loudly (you would wouldn't you?) when he first said it, because obviously he was joking. I mean- really!! - who SAYS that sort of thing except perhaps the odd comedian?

It's hard.

Have you ever tried to write without commas?

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Write drunk, edit sober.

Eat dye and shit colors !

I found a few of these lying around and laying about and in a horizontal position on a flat surface:

, ,, ,,,,,,, , , ,,, , , , , ,, , , , along with an '

Ms. Babble, I am sure you have been (and are being) entreated to more that your 'fair share' of pickup lines! Enthrall us !

I never have to rake the leaves in my castle in the sky.


babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bike Tinker said...

I set that Spike Board guy to run in another browser tab while I worked.
Everytime I click to it by accident, it makes me laugh.
I know every pine needle of that climb, so it's nice nostalgia, but it's also just hilarious to watch that guy toiling away ALL DAY LONG.

babble on said...

My son who boards said "That looks like fun," till he saw how that guy is standing on the board. Then he said "Wow, that's crazy."

I can't remember whether he spoke it as a comma or two sentences. It wasn't a semi colon, in any event.

babble on said...

Maybe I do use too many.

Mark Punctuation said...

Charlie should be Sheen but not heard.

dop said...

Hey there comma fans...

proofreading can be dangerous

PotbellyJoe said...

Punctuation saves lives.

The Old Perfesser said...

My late father, may he rest in peace, was a professor in the English department of Snob's Alma Mater, SUNY Albany. If he had heard about babble's boss' comma diktat, he would have sat down at his manual typewriter and slammed out an angry letter with enough force that the whole house shook. Whatta guy.

I've followed in the family business, though not in the same subject.

comma deleted said...

Comma comma comma comma commeleeeeonnnn

JLRB said...

Babs - maybe he was warning you about a coma

Jlrb said...

I hate it when gear switching maniacs run up my rear

JLRB said...

Was it Chris Horner who sat in a corner?

Why are Nancy and Ronsld Reagan like a broken word processor said...

No memory, no period and no colon.

tubasti said...

Loved the poem. I'll be envisioning following Sarah Silverman on a pink DeRosa as I nod off to sleep tonight.

Anonymous said...


Concerned for your health said...

Sir Snob, as a self confessed hypochondriac, have you considered scrubbing your buildings AC for Legionaires? Plus all the other disgusting molds that acculate in the duct work. We would hate to have our favorite blogger sickened.

McFly said...

Barney seems to know a lot about the way you come.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Concerned For Your Health,

I el-oh-elled at "building's AC."

--Wildcat Etc.

bad boy of the north said...

liked the link...nice reference.period.exclamation point!

bad write like louis ferdinand celine contest entrant said said...

too much....can't take any critics are see them on the know the type...bad breath drinkers of white wine fuckers of imperfect women...the jealousy of eunuchs

No longer concerned for your health said...

So the flats/apts/living units have individual units, if at all? What do I know of apt living? Never lived in one.

Cipo, Accept No Substitute said...

From Cipo to Babs - coma, coma, coma closer, I'm all alone and the night is so long.

Anonymous said...

Maybe the boss said "Condoms are so old fashion, meet me at Wreck Beach after the sun goes down."

Vladimir Putin said...

I don't usually wear a condom; but when I do, I prefer the Comma Brand. Stay fucking my friends!


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