Sorry I'm late, I thought it was Wednesday. Oh, wait, it is Wednesday. Never mind.

So here's a good one: on Monday in Brooklyn a four year-old kid was playing on the sidewalk with his stuffed animal.  Then, one of those cars you're always hearing about--you know, the ones who attack people independently of the poor innocent driver who happens to be inside--leapt up onto the curb like a playful puppy and pounced right onto the child.

Oopsie!

Incredibly, the child survived with only minor injuries, but only because he would up between the wheels and under a tree:

(Aww, the car just wants to cuddle.)

Naturally, the driver remains coddled in a protective womb of anonymity.  The driver will also face no charges, because this is New York City, where it's perfectly fine to steer your car onto the sidewalk and on top of a child.  In fact, I'm willing to bet the driver drove home from the scene of the crime.  (Sorry, forgot running kids over on the sidewalk isn't a crime.)  And of course pretty much every news outlet said "the car" did it, which not only absolves the driver, but is also offensively Pythonesque:


Sadly, if you're looking for protection from out-of-control drivers in New York City, you're far more likely to receive it from a radioactive cat that from the NYPD.

Anyway, you can read more about it here:

I only hope they give this kid's mother the Nobel Prize, because you'd have to be one spiritually enlightened human being not to beat that driver to death.

(And if you did beat to death the driver who ran over your child you can be sure they'd charge you for it.)

Meanwhile, on Monday I predicted that idiots would say that Secretary of State John Kerry shouldn't be riding a bicycle, and commenter CommieCanuk informs me that the idiots have now spoken:

Ultra-conservative pundit Rush Limbaugh was the loudest voice in the crowd. He asked his audience: "Do you know how old John Kerry is?…He's 71 years old.  Now, would somebody tell me something?  What is a 71-year-old man, secretary of state, doing riding a bicycle—or, alternatively, windsurfing off Nantucket?”

Well, I can't speak for John Kerry, but it's worth noting that at 71 he's lean and fit enough to mix it up with Freds half his age:

(Are those Secret Service Freds?)

While at only 64 Rush Limbaugh looks like Jabba the Hut had a baby with Dennis Franz:

(Limbaugh makes mouth love to a gigantic imaginary spare rib.)

Now who do you think is enjoying a better quality of life--or at the very least better health and more consistent bowel movements?

(Limbaugh indicating the size of his large bowel obstruction.)

By the way, check out Kerry riding helmentless while talking on the phone:

This will no doubt get the idiots even more riled up, even though it's not even remotely as dangerous as washing down an OxyContin with some Scotch and then falling asleep while eating a rotisserie chicken, which is how Rush Limbaugh spends most afternoons.

One can only imagine the outrage if Kerry had participated in the World Naked Bike Ride--where, a reader informs me, one rider was recently disqualified for becoming "aroused:"

One witness said: ''Everyone was taking their clothes off to get ready for the ride. I heard gasps and I turned around - it was a horrible sight.

Okay, now it goes without saying that groping, catcalling, verbal harassment, unwanted sexual advances, and other forms of foisting yourself upon others are completely unacceptable, regardless of the occasion or who's wearing (or not wearing) what.  Whether it's the workplace or an orgy, you keep your hands and body parts to yourself unless advised otherwise.  This is why people are putting signs like this around New York City:

(Via some douchebag's Twitter.)

The guy on the right doing the "rodeo-wank" is behaving especially inappropriately to say the least.

However, all it says in the article is that the guy popped a boner, and reacting in horror to what is essentially a normal bodily function would seem to go against the ride's own stated purpose:

World Naked Bike Ride (WNBR) is being organized and supported by many different groups. The groups are only connected by their determination to all be naked on their bikes on WNBR Day, riding in celebration, jubilation to deliver a vision of a cleaner, safer, body-positive world to the masses. 

How is it "body-positive" to call a penis a "horrible sight," even if it happens to be engorged at that moment?  And who's to say what "enjoying the event a bit too much is?"

"It's fair to say he was overexcited and got aroused. It looked like he was enjoying the event a bit too much.

Again, I don't know the circumstances, and if there's more to the story (like he was also drooling, panting, and fondling himself) please disregard everything I'm saying.  However, the uncomfortable fact is that boners do happen, even when there's no discernible reason for them--and if you've ever seen photos of the World Naked Bike Ride you know that there's surprisingly little that's arousing about it, regardless of your sexual orientation or preference.

I mean sure, if you've got a fetish for crotchal chafing and saddle sores you'll feel like Caligula in a bathhouse, but otherwise the whole thing is about as erotic as the checkout line at Walmart.

All I'm saying is that maybe it was the wind.  Also, "tolerant" people can be surprisingly intolerant. (See: Portland.)  So what other semi-involuntary bodily functions will be deemed inappropriate and non-body-positive?  Sweating?  Flatulence?  Spontaneous lactation?

It's a slippery slope--especially when it's also covered in body paint.

Lastly, speaking of Portland, a resident spotted this recently:

Well done.