Putting the "Ham" in Hamlet

In yesterday's post, I mentioned that some doctor had advised Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott to stop cycling because it's too dangerous, and that he should go swimming instead:

Further to that, a commenter was kind enough to point out that swimming is not exactly risk-free, and indeed one former Australian Prime Minister went swimming and subsequently vanished forever:

Harold Edward Holt, CH (/hoʊlt/;[1] 5 August 1908 – 17 December 1967), was an Australian politician and the 17th Prime Minister of Australia. Holt spent 32 years in Parliament, including many years as a senior Cabinet Minister, but was Prime Minister for only 22 months before he disappeared in December 1967 while swimming at Cheviot Beach near Portsea, Victoria, and was presumed drowned.

So naturally they named a public swimming pool after him:

It's right down the street from the John F. Kennedy Memorial Book Depository.

Meanwhile, as far as I know, the number of former Australian Prime Ministers who have disappeared while cycling is zero--though I suppose Abbott could be the first, at which point they'll probably name a velodrome after him.

Of course, we all know Australians have an undue fear of cycling, which is why you're required by law to wear a helmet, or a helment--though presumably, a "halmet" will also suffice:

(Spotted by Leroy's Dog)

It's clear the world is not going to settle on a universal spelling anytime soon, so I say we should simply call them "Hamlets" and call it a day:

("Alas poor Yorick!  He wore not a Hamlet...")

There's even a solid precedent for the "Hamlet" in the form of this ham helmet:

ANSI, Snell, and FDA approval pending.

Speaking of meaty, Portland Design Works has launched a Kickstarter for a portable fat bike-specific pump:

 

If we take fat bikes as a given, which unfortunately we must at this point, then offering a high-volume pump like this certainly makes sense.  However, I freely admit I have a difficult time relating to the fat bike ethos, which is embodied in this image from the video:

As far as I've been able to tell, the fat bike phenomenon largely consists of men with ample Louis CK physiques whose lifestyle consists of donning "shants" in winter and "bro-ing down" in the snow with their dogs--and yes, dogs can totally be "bros:"

(Typical "bro dog" in Portland.)

Anyway, this bro-driven swelling of cycling now seems to be resulting in all manner of bloated, comically oversized components:

Not only that, but the air is becoming thick with the drones these bros use to film themselves:

They're like mechanical flies buzzing over the carcass of modesty.

I give it a year before someone introduces a bro-tastic mountain biking-specific drone that also carries your tools, beer, and weed for you, complete with integrated fat bike pump and vaporizer.

Elsewhere on Kickstarter is this decidedly more artisanal popsicle stick bike:

I make amazing things out of Popsicle sticks. That's what I do.

I've been working my way up to making the most important project of my Popsicle stick journey: a line of fully customized Popsicle stick bicycles. Bicycles that are fully ready, fully enjoyable by everyone, everywhere!

He wants a thousand bucks--presumably so he can buy enough Popsicles, which of course he'll have to eat first.

That's a lot of brain freeze.

Hopefully that won't prevent him from solving the problem that every Popsicle stick bike builder must confront eventually:

The most challenging element will be finishing my designs for wheels and gears. There are a few design plans I will base my creations off of, but they will have to be adapted to work with Popsicle sticks.

Though given the formidable artistry on display at his blog I'm confident he'll manage:

In fact, at this point New York City might as well hire him to install bike lanes, because Popsicle stick infrastructure would be about as permanent as what we have now:

Update: The Manhattan Community Board 12 transportation committee will consider an agenda item tonight that would call on DOT to remove the Fort George Hill bike lane. Yes, really. The meeting will be held at the Isabella Geriatric Center, 515 Audobon Avenue, at 7 p.m.

So they're not even finished installing the bike lane and already the Community Board is holding a meeting about removing it.

Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Actually it wasn't, since nobody has gotten to use it yet.

It's important to remember though that New York is "America's Most Bike Friendly City," despite the fact that our bike infrastructure is mostly just a cheap costume akin to some greasepaint, a plastic cigar, and a pair of Grouch Marx glasses.  Meanwhile, Salt Lake City is building the first "protected intersection" in the United States:

Using a combination of concrete islands, specially timed signals, and painted markings, the protected intersection creates a clear and sensible environment where all users—on foot, on bike, and in cars—have plenty of time and space to see and react to one another.

Here's a video that shows how it works:


Protected Intersections For Bicyclists from Nick Falbo on Vimeo.

New York City intersections are actual death traps so we could really use something like this, though at the same time New Yorkers generally choose the shortest distance between two points regardless of how they're traveling, so I'm not sure we're capable of following detailed directions like this:

Not only that, but all it takes is one typical taxi driver to fuck it all up:

Interestingly, as far as cyclists go, this design seems to hinge on legitimizing "shoaling:"

The narrator also says that cyclists can "yield to pedestrians" in order to get to these shoaling zones, which is hilarious, because that would never, ever happen in New York.

We'll see if the Mormons can pull it off.