Friday, June 26, 2015

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Hey, the Tour de France is over in eight days!


(It's the Hanukkah of bike races.)

How d'ya like that?  I didn't even realize it had started.

Well I'm glad it's almost over.

Meanwhile--surprise!--Bjarne Riis has been involved with doping throughout the course of his career, and here's your obligatory "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark" reference:


Yeah, no shit his credibility is not very high.

You know what is high though?

His hematocrit!


(Mr. 60%)
Ba-ZING!!!

Of course, all of this means pretty much nothing, since A) we knew already; and 2) the statute of limitations has expired, so nothing's happening anyway:

The 96-page Anti-Doping Denmark report came after a two-year investigation and interviews with 50 former or current riders. It concluded that Riis, directeur sportif Johnny Weltz (now a directeur sportif at Cannondale-Garmin), former Riis Cycling managing director Alex Pedersen and a number of Danish former riders all violated anti-doping rules. However due to the World Anti-Doping Agency’s eight-year statute of limitation rule in force at the time, none will face disciplinary action.

Well isn't that convenient.

Speaking of high performance, yesterday I mentioned the review of the new $12,500 Specialized Venge-Schmenge, and how it's ever so slightly faster than a Tarmac, which costs thousands less.

This raises an important question:

"If speed is your goal, wouldn't it be more cost-effective to ride an aluminum Cervélo and put some Armor All Bottles over your shins?"


Sure, it may look a little silly, but it's not nearly as embarrassing as riding a Venge.

I mean really, who's a bigger doofus: bottle-shins, or this guy?*

*[Hint: it's the second one.]

But when it comes to doofuses nobody beats Patrick Seabiscuit, who once again is taking to the mountains on his stupid fixie:



Over the years, Seabiscuit has carefully cultivated a persona that seems to be based on this premise:

What if there was a third Schleck brother who wore black, rode a fixie, and had a wispy mustache?

By far the best thing about this video is that it has subtitles, which means I don't have to retype all the inanity:


So do we, Seabiscuit.  So do we.

And now, he's enlisted a co-conspirator in the denim-clad form of former professional rider Danilo Hondo:


(A "German Tuxedo" is like a "Canadian Tuxedo," only artificially distressed.)

By the way, I missed a frame, and here's the complete subtitle:

"I'm really sorry for what I did.  It was years ago.  Those were dark times.  The statute of limitations has expired.  Oh, wait, this is just a fixie video?  Right.  Well, as a former pro, I have to admit: I would't really want this."

And here's Seabiscuit again, who is eternally trapped in the year 2005:


Would you stop mythologizing your stupid fixie already?  Bike-douchery has moved on!  All your fellow d-bags have grown full beards and taken up gravel-grinding and bikepacking!

Meanwhile, Seabiscuit has appointed Hondo as his "athletic director:"


Is he also going to add oxygenated blood to your bloodstream?

But at least Seabiscuit acknowledges the pointlessness of this endeavor:


I agree, watching people ride fixies is stupefyingly boring no matter how you look at it.

It's also incredibly stupid, because all that skidding means he has to keep changing his tires like a dumbass:


Still, there is a moment of drama when Seabiscuit recites the list of symptoms of premenstrual syndrome:


You know who could help him with "substances?"  His athletic director, Danilo Hondo:


Right, I'm sure.

But yeah, I agree, Seabiscuit does have "balls"--and it's going to be awhile before regains sensation in them.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right that's good, and if you're wrong you'll see a video that captures the beauty and excitement of cycling in New York City.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and never trust anyone in head-to-toe denim.


--Wildcat Rock Machine



1) Why is this a stupid test for a bike lock?

--Bike thieves don't use sledgehammers
--He's not even placing the lock on a hard surface
--He's not using a dedicated gravel hammer
--All of the above





(Good lord!)

2) Bike locks are generally ineffective in preventing machete attacks.

--True
--False







3) In Adelaide, Australia, the court recognizes that meth makes you a better driver--even if you run over a kid.

--True
--False






4) In a sure sign of desperation, McDonald's is attempting to appeal to:

--Drunks
--Meth heads
--Animals
--Cyclists





5) Finally, it's:

--An under-the-saddle air mattress
--A portable bikepacking tent
--A sail for your bike
--An inflatable trunk rack




("Bang bang, Maxwell's brushed ti hammer...")

6) How much for a titanium Fred hammer?

--$180
--$810
--$1,800
--This is a trick question, Fred hammers are made from crabon and not titanium





7) Cannondale's revolutionary Slate opens up an exciting new world of gratuitous driveway skidding.

--True
--False

***Special Greasy Cog-Themed Bonus Video!***



Penguin have a new album coming out, and they describe themselves as "100% queer grumpy transexual punx playing straight forward 90's inspired music. Catchy leads, harmonies, and at least one song about cats."

So I think we can guess where any downvotes on the video might be coming from:

I'm looking at you, translucent justices on the right...

115 comments:

Ted K. said...

34. Consider the hypothetical case of a man who can have anything he wants just by wishing for it. Such a man has power, but he will develop serious psychological problems. At first he will have a lot of fun, but by and by he will become acutely bored and demoralized. Eventually he may become clinically depressed. History shows that leisured aristocracies tend to become decadent. This is not true of fighting aristocracies that have to struggle to maintain their power. But leisured, secure aristocracies that have no need to exert themselves usually become bored, hedonistic and demoralized, even though they have power. This shows that power is not enough. One must have goals toward which to exercise one’s power.

BamaPhred said...

Podiodio

g. said...

Not bad

BamaPhred said...

Damn Ted K robot and soup captcha

Kenny Banya said...

GC Contendah

Anonymous said...

Hey

Good finish for final day of week!

cycle

Grump said...

So it's TdF time.
How is Lance doin'. Haven't watched it in a few years.
Something is wrong with the sound in your video on that fixed gear doofus. I couldn't understand a word of it.

Ted K Critic, Psychedelic Version said...

Thus we see the whatever of the stuff, and we look at it, thus we shall wank about in a pseudo-philosophical manner with a thought experiment: Consider then, the man who wishes for stuff and gets it instantly. Ah but soon he becomes a douche. It's almost like anybody could've summed it up in 3 words well known since kung fu times: Adversity creates strength. Unpack that and you'll have everything else you need, such as "wow lifting these heavy-ass weights made me strong" and even the opposite ("absence of adversity creates an absence of strength") such as "gosh I've never had any real problems, no wonder I'm such a crybaby." I think we're done here. Or you can keep going if you want to write the kind of essay people have to be threatened to print.

Deadly Fredly said...

Yes, but is it laterally stiff and vertically compliant? Do they use different craborn layups to shape the flex of the tubing? Take that, Bottle Shins Guy.

Statler and Waldorf said...

Something for Everyone!

"100% queer grumpy transexual punx playing straight forward 90's inspired music. Catchy leads, harmonies, and at least one song about cats."


82medici said...

So much to comment on today. The highlights:
* The guy in the Venge test ride video points out that it feels like he is "literally glued to the road." Doesn't sound like a good ride to me.
* The article about the machete attack didn't mention whether the cyclist was wearing a helment. We need to know!
* The description of the Trunk Monkey describes the outer shell as being 1000 mil thick. He must be using monkey math, because 1000 mil = 1 inch in my book. I'll never get that folded up under my saddle, unless Eric chamfers it a bit for me.

Freddy Murcks said...

It is impressive that Venge Test Guy did his whole v-log without once mentioning "laterally stiff and vertically compliant," which I thought was required language when bloviating about overpriced crabon bikes. He did go so hard that he blew up, however. Usually, one leans to prevent that with a little practice. Venge Test Guy must be a 16yo boy (at least at heart).

Jean-Francois Caron said...

82medici: That "monkey math" is called "imperial units" and americans still use 'em. It's weird and they don't like to talk about it

I wonder if we can convince helment companies to do tests for machete-deflection.

McFly said...

It's statue of limitations....it's a sculpture of limitations.

dnk said...

Can't comment right now. I'm on methamphetamine and driving a car.

Okay, maybe I'll just comment a little bitty.

That's it.

Feelin' alright.

Nice.

bieks said...

Initially, it disturbed me that Australia's concern was with the 24% of fatalities with drugs in their system, with no mention of the victims of drug-addled drivers, but then I realized you've got to be on drugs to vote for these idiots, so the innocents aren't just "whoopsies" they're potentially averted swing votes.

Anonymous said...

Jean-Francois,

Yes, I was attempting to point out that Mr. Trunk Monkey had not done the conversion (properly.) Everyone knows that in the rest of the world that dimension would have been expressed as 1.37x10^(-5) knot-hours.

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Thank alla alla aksenfree that my MAC Nuggit didn't look like that one!

Good one PolitiSnobNYC !

vsk

Roille Figners said...

I feel sorry for Mr. Seabiscuit in like 10 years when he realizes all his embarrassing youthful transgressions are STILL ON THE INTERNET unlike the embarrassing Kodak-paper selfies I just found and put in the shredder.

Anonymous said...

10 steps down on the left side of the podium steps.

JLRB said...

methamphetawhatthefukaustralia?

That Judge would get tarred and feathered by MADD here in 'Merica...

ps - I expected horse racing with the Seabiscuit video - disappointment

Anonymous said...

Consider the non-hypothetical case of a man who posts shit on a cycling blog that is only supposed to be dedicated to comments on cycling and oral sex.

Bryan said...

Oh a Venge McLaren...How long before Specialized sues McLaren Automotive for the naming rights? I'll wait until a bike company teams up with Peel and gives me a bike that is worthy of the Peel P50. THat's a bike I would spend money on

leroy said...

Dear Mr. BSNYC --

Oh great. You had to do it. And on a Friday no less.

A fixed gear and balls reference.

Now I can look forward to a weekend of my dog yapping about having his gear fixed, how that makes him twice the rider Mr. Armstrong was, and how Mr. Seabiscuit can't possibly know what it means to suffer on a bike because he still has something in which to regain sensation.

I hope you're happy.

Everybody else ride safe.

Especially if you're riding fixed.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Nice thing about having the trunk monkey under your saddle is if you fall off a bridge or a flash flood comes along you can use it as a flotation device.

FR8 said...

Dear Snob,

Having read your post and watched the Penguin video, I have a new understanding of the psychological trauma you put yourself through every day trolling the internet for new heights of self-absorption and immaturity in order to entertain us. Perhaps you have a future as a drone operator with our fine government once this gig palls. It should be a breeze in comparison.

Respectfully,

Anonymous said...

I much prefer when you type the subtitles.
The letters are so tiny!

CommieCanuck said...

Congrats on 'murica allowing gay marriage. This happened a decade ago in Canada and in three short weeks we went from this to This.

And that was just the churches.

I predict Jews in golf clubs by the 2020s.

BikeSnobNYC said...

FR8,

Someone from Penguin sent me the video and I was happy to post. On balance I'd say they have a lot more "balls" than Seabase does.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Consider the hypothetical case of
BEER

Anonymous said...

FR8
I am very sorry that you haven't contemplted a "punx" knuckle tattoo, sweated through your jorts at a basement show, or played terribly catchy songs inspired by equal parts Lifetime, Limpwrist, and joyful angst.
Go ride a Trek

BikeSnobNYC said...

CommieCanuck,

Hey, we recognize "corporate personhood," so it was only a matter of time.

One day maybe they'll let gay companies merge.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

JLRB said...

CommieCanuck -

Looks like NY is sending you a a couple of fine young men

BamaPhred said...

And here I thought, for all these years, that a trunk monkey was a small primate riding under your saddle giving you a handjob.
Thanks for a fun and informative week Snob.
May we all meet back again Monday

PotbellyJoe said...

They clearly didn't google Trunk Monkey because those car commercials were awesome.

Anonymous said...

CommieCanuck,

Indeed, the U.S. lags well its northern neighbor when it comes to cultural progressiveness. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canadian_Indian_residential_school_system

Mike V. said...

Hey bro the tour of France starts in days.

Freddy Murcks said...

The TdF hasn't even started and I already don't give a shit. It's amazing what turning your sport into a complete doping cluster fuck will do for fan interest.

(I should note that I am not naive enough to believe that pro cycling hasn't always been a doping cluster fuck. I just didn't know about it. And I hadn't gotten emotionally involved in the racer's back stories, their victories, etc. only to be crushed when I found out they were a bunch of dirty fucking cheats and liars. Truth be told, it was Tyler Hamilton and his fucking dog, Tugboat, that really killed it for me. He seemed like a nice guy who loved his dog and his wife - and he was so willing sacrifice himself on the bike. When I found out he was a cheat, I was pissed and I felt like I had been personally deceived. That was the beginning of the end of my love affair with pro road racing.)

nino scalia said...

jiggery-pokery


argle-bargle


fortune cookie aphorisms

Anonymous said...

CC 227 "...Jews in golf clubs by the 2020s."

As Groucho Marx said....

Rally Monkey said...

There should be a protest calling for releasing the monkey from the trunk. I'm sure there must be a flash mob that can be down in front of city hall in minutes.

Anonymous said...

Snob: "One day maybe they'll let gay companies merge."

Maybe someday flat out whoring will be allowed.

i.e. Chef B has merged with McDonald's. Image, Chef B naked & face down & spread eagle on a bed telling some clown...

meltyman said...

El Papa says "Ride A Bike!!"

meltyman said...

Dammit, too quick.... he actually said Ride a damn bike!

Richard Matt said...

Ouch, that fuckin' hurts!

groucho marx said...

I'd like to join a club & beat you over the head with it.

DB said...

Leroy 2:18 COD.
Been busy last few days, Gmail got hacked had to change everything.
Change passwords often and avoid unsecured wifi.

babble on said...

anon@4:30 - yeah, we just committed cultural genocide to ensure we wouldn't have the same problems with those pesky civil rights activists that you guys are forever struggling with... the Canadian government admits to the death of five thousand children at those schools, but word on the street is that the number is closer to fifty thousand.

Freddy Murcks said...

Pro road racing may be a doper cluster fuck, but at least USAC is doing everything it can to support amateur racing. fucking bullshit

Spokey said...

Grump @ 12:46 PM

that's because stupid snobbie has it playing at 45rpm. slow down to 33 1/3 and it's all better. slow further to the rarer 16 2/3 rpm and you can clearly hear "i am not paul. i am leroy's dawg".

that last part really spooked me.

DB said...

That's good Spokey.

Anonymous said...

Who or what *is* Ted K?

Anonymous said...

Then there was that chick who liked to show up wearing nothing but a trench coat - loved to quite from a fish called Wanda

Anonymous said...

Turbonegro teaches that DENIM DEMONS in head to toe denim should be celebrated, but not trusted.

EricBikeCO said...

If you're taping anything to yourself (or injecting, patching, or "medicating") to ride a bike, YOU HAVE COMPLETELY FUCKED UP THE POINT OF A BICYCLE: Ride it for fun. Ride it to get someplace. Or both. Fuck.

EricBikeCO said...

If you're taping anything to yourself (or injecting, patching, or "medicating") to ride a bike, YOU HAVE COMPLETELY FUCKED UP THE POINT OF A BICYCLE: Ride it for fun. Ride it to get someplace. Or both. Fuck.

EricBikeCO said...

If you're taping anything to yourself (or injecting, patching, or "medicating") to ride a bike, YOU HAVE COMPLETELY FUCKED UP THE POINT OF A BICYCLE: Ride it for fun. Ride it to get someplace. Or both. Fuck.

EricBikeCO said...

+1 horse racing

That Bint Anne Moran said...

In Adelaide South Australia there is one safe bike lane, the council is ripping it up, they commissioned a $90K report to prove the lane was bad but the report said it was good, so they voted to ignore the report and will rip up the lane anyway. If the kid the meth driver ran over was on a bicycle then the methhead could have been another South Australian hero - much like that fucking asshole Eugene McGee.

Anonymous said...

is an athletic director like an athletic supporter?

McFly said...

I want to use Kickstarter to fund a cycling team. They will wear dark dress slacks and white button up short sleeve collared shirts with black backpacks.

I am going to call it The Jehovah's Fitnesses.

Spokey said...

i have had a JW come by every couple months or so for the last few years.

he is always in a suit and tie but not necessary a dark suit. don't know about the short sleeve as he always has his jacket on. he usually has a buddy. usually a different person. perhaps a trainee. can't remember how the trainee dresses.

ken (if that's his real name) always drives a nice car and they change from volvos to mercedes (& large mercedes at that) etc. assuming they are his cars, the biz must be good.

no black backpacks needed.

P. Bateman said...

can't decide if i'm going to stick with downtube shifters (dura ace 7700's i htink let you do friction or index) or just do the brake/shifter thing. think i'm gonna flip a coin on that.

babble on said...

Brifters are waaaaaay safer cause you can shift without taking your hands away from the handlebars. I would hate to have to move my hands mid crit, and it's not like you only shift once or twice...shifting is a constant when you're riding. In fact, it's similar to having a smartingphone. Once you've had it for a while, you'll wonder how you ever did without.

BamaPhred said...

WCRM and Leroy always post such wholesome pictures of wildlife in a natural setting on their bucolic adventures. I rounded a curve yesterday and saw several large fowl types on the side of the road. Eureka! I thought, maybe I too will see some noble wild turkeys. Nay, it was vultures pecking on a carcass. Such was the metaphor for my Saturday ride.

Anonymous said...

Babble 223 "...it's similar to having a smartingphone.Once you've had it for a while, you'll wonder how you ever did without."

As the father of two daughters I've often wondered how the race of females survived extinction without them :-)

Spokey said...

Brifters are waaaaaay safer cause you can shift without taking your hands away from the handlebars.

can do that with barends too. in fact can shift and brake at the same time although that can be tough on the brain. when on the drops i keep the index and middle finger on the brakes. i use my palm to push down for upshifting the rear or pull the lever with the ring finger to downshift it.

that said i am considering integrated shifters the next time. never had them so i ought to give them a shot.

babble on said...

anonydad @9:37 - it's not the feminine gender, it's the generation. My younger son is attached to his phone in a very real way, too. The grown one is a techie, too, but his early days weren't quite so electronically enhanced, and it shows.

babble on said...

Oh no! Metro Vancouver is under an air quality alert - we're advised to avoid stenuous activity because of dangerous levels of ground level ozone. Ozone?!? Geez. One of the things that make Vancouver such an attractive place to live is that we usually enjoy clean, fresh, Pacific ocean enhanced air quality.

Fer fucksake. How's a girl supposed to ride like the wind if the wind itself is toxic?

Spokey said...

we're advised to avoid stenuous[sic] activity because

i find avoiding strenuous activity at all times to be a fine foundation of life principles


How's a girl supposed to ride like the wind if the wind itself is toxic?

easy

just plod along like we geriatrics do.

now that noah's ark has landed for the day, i'm headed out hoping the roads have dried a bit. but i don't plan on any of that stenuous stuff.

and i mostly hate my cell phone.

Matt said...

Mr. Seabiscuit did pretty cool ride but I won't be really impressed until he does it on a freewheeling unicycle. In the meantime, I appreciated the closed captioning saying he had no "breaks".

babble on said...

There was a bit of a wind near shore today, so those of us who rode the Vets were alright, 'stenuous' activity n'all. Actually, it was a very civilized ride, cause we had a pro in our midst, and so everyone was on their very Sunday-best behaviour.

Count of Sprint said...

It is so sad that

The whole weekend is almost done and you wankers can't even get it up for a century.

Perhaps Ted is right.

the crimonologist said...

planet earth lost in space...antlike creatues...the human race

75 said...

75

76 said...

76

77 said...

77

78 said...

78

79 said...

Damian the captcha full speed ahead

80 said...

That should be damn

81 said...

81

82 said...

82

83 said...

83

84 said...

Pasta steak ice cream sandwiches 2 sometimes 3 soup!

85 said...

85

Agent 86 said...

Train ride is over ... No century for me

87 said...

Try that on a cell phone

Anonymous said...

"All your fellow d-bags have grown full beards and taken up gravel-grinding and bikepacking!"

Don't forget crafting artisanal axes.

Artis - anal

Hehe.

89 said...

89

90 said...

90

Anonymous said...

91

92 said...

92

the little engine said...

93

I think I can said...

94

someone else can have it said...

scranus

96 said...

96

97 said...

XCVII

olds 98 said...

XCV!!!

agent 99 said...

XC!X

dop said...

centurrrrry

babble on said...

Podium kisses... XX

Take that, Ted. :)

dop said...

oh my goodness..

Spokey said...

kudoes to dop

and his friendly 75 through 99

Anonymous said...

translucent judge's suck

dop said...

Maybe Snob can post a 'pre-test' today, so we can know what to study, and look out for the appropriate information in his posts this week.

dop said...

scratch that....holiday weekend

Spokey said...

what?

you sayin snobbie is pretty much guaranteed to be slacking off by friday?

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