(It's the Hanukkah of bike races.)
How d'ya like that? I didn't even realize it had started.
Well I'm glad it's almost over.
Meanwhile--surprise!--Bjarne Riis has been involved with doping throughout the course of his career, and here's your obligatory "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark" reference:
Yeah, no shit his credibility is not very high.
You know what is high though?
Of course, all of this means pretty much nothing, since A) we knew already; and 2) the statute of limitations has expired, so nothing's happening anyway:
The 96-page Anti-Doping Denmark report came after a two-year investigation and interviews with 50 former or current riders. It concluded that Riis, directeur sportif Johnny Weltz (now a directeur sportif at Cannondale-Garmin), former Riis Cycling managing director Alex Pedersen and a number of Danish former riders all violated anti-doping rules. However due to the World Anti-Doping Agency’s eight-year statute of limitation rule in force at the time, none will face disciplinary action.
Well isn't that convenient.
Speaking of high performance, yesterday I mentioned the review of the new $12,500 Specialized Venge-Schmenge, and how it's ever so slightly faster than a Tarmac, which costs thousands less.
This raises an important question:
"If speed is your goal, wouldn't it be more cost-effective to ride an aluminum Cervélo and put some Armor All Bottles over your shins?"
Sure, it may look a little silly, but it's not nearly as embarrassing as riding a Venge.
I mean really, who's a bigger doofus: bottle-shins, or this guy?*
*[Hint: it's the second one.]
But when it comes to doofuses nobody beats Patrick Seabiscuit, who once again is taking to the mountains on his stupid fixie:
Over the years, Seabiscuit has carefully cultivated a persona that seems to be based on this premise:
What if there was a third Schleck brother who wore black, rode a fixie, and had a wispy mustache?
By far the best thing about this video is that it has subtitles, which means I don't have to retype all the inanity:
And now, he's enlisted a co-conspirator in the denim-clad form of former professional rider Danilo Hondo:
(A "German Tuxedo" is like a "Canadian Tuxedo," only artificially distressed.)
By the way, I missed a frame, and here's the complete subtitle:
"I'm really sorry for what I did. It was years ago. Those were dark times. The statute of limitations has expired. Oh, wait, this is just a fixie video? Right. Well, as a former pro, I have to admit: I would't really want this."
And here's Seabiscuit again, who is eternally trapped in the year 2005:
Would you stop mythologizing your stupid fixie already? Bike-douchery has moved on! All your fellow d-bags have grown full beards and taken up gravel-grinding and bikepacking!
Meanwhile, Seabiscuit has appointed Hondo as his "athletic director:"
Is he also going to add oxygenated blood to your bloodstream?
But at least Seabiscuit acknowledges the pointlessness of this endeavor:
I agree, watching people ride fixies is stupefyingly boring no matter how you look at it.
It's also incredibly stupid, because all that skidding means he has to keep changing his tires like a dumbass:
Still, there is a moment of drama when Seabiscuit recites the list of symptoms of premenstrual syndrome:
You know who could help him with "substances?" His athletic director, Danilo Hondo:
Right, I'm sure.
But yeah, I agree, Seabiscuit does have "balls"--and it's going to be awhile before regains sensation in them.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right that's good, and if you're wrong you'll see a video that captures the beauty and excitement of cycling in New York City.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and never trust anyone in head-to-toe denim.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) Why is this a stupid test for a bike lock?
--Bike thieves don't use sledgehammers
--He's not even placing the lock on a hard surface
--He's not using a dedicated gravel hammer
--All of the above
2) Bike locks are generally ineffective in preventing machete attacks.
3) In Adelaide, Australia, the court recognizes that meth makes you a better driver--even if you run over a kid.
4) In a sure sign of desperation, McDonald's is attempting to appeal to:
5) Finally, it's:
--An under-the-saddle air mattress
--A portable bikepacking tent
--A sail for your bike
--An inflatable trunk rack
("Bang bang, Maxwell's brushed ti hammer...")
6) How much for a titanium Fred hammer?
--This is a trick question, Fred hammers are made from crabon and not titanium
7) Cannondale's revolutionary Slate opens up an exciting new world of gratuitous driveway skidding.
***Special Greasy Cog-Themed Bonus Video!***
Penguin have a new album coming out, and they describe themselves as "100% queer grumpy transexual punx playing straight forward 90's inspired music. Catchy leads, harmonies, and at least one song about cats."
So I think we can guess where any downvotes on the video might be coming from: