It may be Wednesday, but I'm so fast it's already Thursday.

After a hard day of "working" there's nothing like a twilight Citi Bike ride to soothe the nerves--or at least to shift your irritation from one set of nerves to another, since attempting to dodge taxis on a 50lb three-speed leaves you with little energy left to dwell on the day's indignities:

New York City is forever changing, and over the past couple of decades we've seen the downtown precincts of Manhattan transformed from a haven for free-thinking weirdos to a place frequented by the sorts of people who go "Whooo!" when they're excited.  Furthermore, yesterday was the 5th of May, otherwise known as Cinco de Mayo, which meant the sorts of people who go "Whooo!" when they're excited were "Whooo!"-ing their faces off thanks to an abundance of margarita drink specials.

As the bicycle becomes a more visible thread in the fabric of life in New York City it increasingly represents the city's agents of change.  For example, ten years or so ago we witnessed the sudden proliferation of what were then called "hipsters," who annoyed the fuck out of everybody on their fixed-gear bicycles.  Since then, time has mitigated the phenomenon.  Some of these people moved away, others learned how to ride bicycles properly and assimilated, while still others matured into full-on yuppies and traded their fixies for Subarus.  Now you've been priced out, the word "hipster" has become obsolete, and the fixie has become wholly unremarkable--just another aesthetic choice for the casual bike shopper, a decision no more profound than deciding between the lace-up sneakers and the slip-ons.

Yesterday evening, however, I had something of a revelation when I realized New York City cycling has a new scourge, and it is the "bro on a bike."

(The "bro" what almost sideswiped me last week.)

Indeed, after about the fifth or sixth "duder" in a polo shirt nearly salmoned into me, I realized that the "Whooo!"-ers are now taking to bicycles.  On one hand this is a positive development, since it indicates that riding bicycles for transportation in New York City has now gone entirely mainstream--so much so that fraternity types with entry level jobs at investment banks are now doing it.  On the other hand, when some Ultimate Frisbee is making a bee line towards me like I'm a keg at a frat party it makes me miss the days when legions of Napoleon Dynamites on Bianchi Pistas and yard sale 10-speeds imported from the far exurbs was the worst the city had to offer.

Alas, I suppose it's just the natural order of things.  First the city got hipster-fied, then it got bro-ified, and I guess in about five years the city will be totally taken over by billionaires and I'll be dodging Russian oligarchs salmoning on jewel-encrusted Cipollinis:



Actually, I'm thinking like a poor person.  They won't be on jewel-encrusted Cipollini bicycles.  They'll probably be riding bedazzled clones of Mario Cipollini himself.

("You want ride-a da Cipo?")

Speaking of the winds of change, don't you want to slice through them like a hot Cipollini through butter?  If so, you'll need to get yourself a full set of "Spoke Fins:"

Spoke Fins Reduce Bicycle Wheel Drag, Even in Crosswinds

Spoke Fins cut bicycle spoke drag by more than 50%, even in crosswinds.  Streamlined Spoke Fins swivel like a wind vane in response to variable crosswinds, which constantly change orientation as the wheel rotates.  Your help is needed to purchase a 12-cavity injection mold required to economically produce our innovative bicycle Spoke Fins.

Spoke Fins: Convert round spokes into bladed spokes

• Cut Spoke Drag more than 50%
• Effective in both Headwinds and Crosswinds
• Reduce Pedaling Effort in All Winds
• Enhance Stability in Crosswinds
• Colorful Fashion Accessory for the Kids' Bicycle

Yes, why spend $20,000 on a Malcom McLaren Venge-Schmenge:

(Venge-Schmenge: The bicycle of choice for the Salmoning Oligarchs of Tomorrow)

When you can transform your $500 Bikesdirect.com special into a wind-cheating Fred rocket with just a handful of plastic?

Just listen to this testimonial!

"After 100 miles in two days of testing, the fins are very effective.  They are much faster above 15 mph, specially when facing headwinds, and remarkably stable in crosswinds.  The bike feels different, and is now faster than my own bike.  While cycling 16 mph in a moderate crosswind, I was able to pedal hands-free, where I could not have before.  I will not be riding again without them."

See that?  They are much faster above 15 mph.  See, without spoke fins, at 15 mph your bike will only travel at 12, 13, maybe 14 mph.  However, with the spoke fins, once you exceed 15 mph your bike will go as fast as 16 mph!

(As far as the part about pedaling hands-free, there might just be something wrong with his other bike.)

By the way, these are the same people who invented the Null Winds fairings:

Which, as you may recall, also bent the laws of physics:

"...it is my conclusion that when riding into a headwind with the addition of the Null Winds Technology Upper Wheel Fairings, any bicycle will be noticeably faster at any speed!"

In other words, at 21 mph, a bicycle equipped with Null Winds fairings will be faster than an un-faired bike traveling 21mph.  

Jason Shutz may be a Cat 2 at bike racing, but as far as science goes he's a Cat 8 at best.

Still, as a hardcore bike share user you can believe I'll take any advantage I can get, so you can expect to find me kneeling at a Citi Bike kiosk and attaching these to the spokes of my prospective azure blue bank-branded steed.  (Pro tip: attach Spoke Fins before un-docking the bike, you don't want to incur costly overtime fees.)

Lastly, while we're on the subject of the relentless pursuit of speed, a reader has sent me this video in which a Fred (who pronounces "Vuelta" as "View-letta") removes a pawl from his freehub in order to make his bike go faster:

I'm not sure this will have much effect on your speed, but it sure seems like a great way to squash your "pants yabbies" on your top tube.

Then again, if he takes it down to one pawl and adds some Spoke Fins he could very well leapfrog Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed and go straight to plaid: