Your Wednesday Public Service Announcement: Please Stop With The Bluetooth Locks Already!

For some reason, would-be entrepreneurs continue to fundraise for keyless Bluetooth socially-networked bicycle locks, even though they're totally stupid.  If nothing else, at least these locks were at least marginally robust--until now.  Meet Kadalock, the world's most easily-defeated Bluetooth bicycle lock:



Are you freaking kidding me?

Not only is the cable itself gossamer thin, but the lock itself is attached to the goddamn water bottle cage!  Really, the only thing that makes this even slightly more effective than waiting for a spider to spin a web between your bike and the rack, or else just using dental floss, is that it has a motion-sensing alarm:

However, please keep in mind that in a big city nobody gives a shit about alarms of any kind, and in a small town if some busybody gets in your business while you're busy removing some sucker's water bottle cage then all you need to do is give them the finger and be on your way.

On the other end of the effectiveness spectrum is the "Litelok," to which I was recently alerted by the inventor:



I gotta say, it doesn't look too bad:

So let's see:

1) It's light;
2) It's strong (or at least it purports to be);
3) It looks a little bit more versatile than a U-lock;
4) It's mechanical.

If it's as strong as they say it is, and if you can also use it as a belt or a pant cuff retainer, then they may very well have designed themselves a winner.

Of course, if you prefer detective work to prevention, the other approach when it comes to combatting bike theft is tracking your bike.  This is where Bike Angel comes in:




Peter's genteel voice soothes and comforts me, so much so that I am only mildly concerned when he produces a caucasian flesh-colored object with somewhat phallic proportions:

"...this particular object will make your life so much easier."

Yeah, right.  Where I have I heard that before?

("Don't you a-worry.  Thees a-parteecular object a-gonna make-a you life sooo maaatch easier!")

Nine months later and suddenly life is exponentially more complicated.

Then Peter throws it over to his friend Eric, who is in bed with Julie:

Soon Eric falls asleep, at which point Julie tip-toes over to the drawer:

From which she withdraws a "3D printed prototype" of the phallic object Peter was holding earlier:

Holy shit, Eric's gonna get pegged in his sleep!!!

What the hell kind of Kickstarter is this, anyway?!?

The next morning, Eric is understandably sore while mounting his bicycle:

Meanwhile, Julie stalks him:

Thanks to the GPS transmitter embedded in his anus:

Jule tracks Eric to Amsterdam's notorious red light district:

("I'm just interested in some socks like the ones you've got.")

Julia then texts Eric and asks his whereabouts, and Eric replies with a bullshit answer:

(I'd have said I was at the Anne Frank house.)

Understandably pissed, Julie steals Eric's bike while he's inside trying on socks:

But she brings it back that evening and they kiss and make up, because after all, this is Amsterdam:

By that evening all is forgotten, and the cycle of pegging begins anew.

Speaking of hiding the sausage, here's an ideal solution for all your cured meat-portaging needs:

You can even use it on your Fredcycle:

It's great for carrying blood bags--and while we're on the subject of blood transfusions, one person who looks like she could use one is the exceedingly tired and ossified Fran Leibowitz, who a reader informs me recently made some comments on the subject of bicycles:

You know when George Plimpton died, someone told me, 'He was so eccentric. He used to ride his bike in a suit and tie!' and it drove me crazy. I said, 'What's eccentric is the bicycle. Everyone here used to wear suits and it was lovely! But only children rode bicycles.' The trademark of New York City fashion used to be that we dressed more seriously here. More formally. Now people need special costumes to ride bicycles. I mean, a helmet, what, are you an astronaut??

I'm not sure what point she's trying to make here, though she's gone on record before about how she thinks riding bikes is "childish."  (I imagine Bill Cunningham would beg to differ.)  Also, everybody knows George Plimpton rode a Y-Foil:

My predecessor George Plimpton was known for cycling around New York on his Trek Y-foil before it was either cool or safe (before, some would say, it was sane).

Inadvertently tricking the Paris Review into thinking George Plimpton rode one of these contraptions is undoubtedly the high point of my bike blogging career:

I mean come one, everybody knows Plimpton really rode one of these:

Granted, it does look a bit like a Y-Foil, so I suppose it's an honest mistake.

Lastly, in their continuing effort to clean up cycling (one akin to cleaning an oil spill with a Q-tip), the UCI checked 36 bikes for motors at Milan-San Remo:

Cyclingnews understands that 11 Trek bikes from the Trek Factory Racing team, 11 Specialized bikes from Etixx-Quick Step and 11 Specialized bikes from Tinkoff-Saxo were checked by the UCI in a special tent erected in the bus parking area. The bikes of the three podium finishers: John Degenkolb (Giant), Alexander Kristoff (Canyon) and Michael Matthews (Scott) were also checked in the podium area. Gazzetta dello Sport reported that bikes from the Astana were also tested, but the team has told Cyclingnews that their bikes were not.

Laugh if you will, but I have no doubt somebody's doing it:


Come on, that bike is so motorized.