Put On Your Mind Control Helment and Submit to the Will of Big Bike!

This coming weekend is the Philadelphia Bike Expo:

So you can consider this just another in a series of reminders that I'll be giving a "seminar" at 12:00 on Sunday the 9th--and you don't want to miss it, because I put the "GNAR" in "Semi-GNAR:"

The "G" is silent of course.

I'll also be bringing some hats from my "collection" to give away:

Pictured above is the Antarctic Blue Sports Cap, but I'm not sure what I'll actually have with me until the package arrives from the mad hatters at Walz and I see what's in it.

Also, as usual, I'll fantasize about riding all the way to Philly, then I'll check the train schedule, and then that morning I'll say "Fuck it" and hop in The Car The Bank Owns Until I Finish Paying Them Back.

("I'm not even gonna say it.")

And even if you want nothing to do with me you should still go to the Expo, because there are always lots of interesting bikes and accessories, which is why I'm pretty sure you won't find this there:

Imagine riding your bike down the street. Your legs are engaged, but your arms are stationary. Now imagine pedaling with both your arms AND your legs. Welcome to the Dual Drive Bike revolution! Your time is valuable, so why exercise just half your body when you can maximize your time and get a full-body aerobic workout. Burn those calories!

Yes, imagine!  I realize Americans love fitness crazes that involve pantomimes of sex acts, but wouldn't it be cheaper yet equally suggestive to just ride around with a Shake Weight?

Also, as the shirtless sidewalk-riding capital of the world, America's Wang isn't generally known for its bike culture.  However, it's worth noting they've got surprisingly good bike-handling skills down there.  In particular, davening over your cockpit like that seems like an excellent way to ride into a tree, yet somehow they remain upright.

There's no way those pallid Portlanders, what with their pathetic lack of muscle definition and their mushy quinoa-sack abs, could ever successfully control such a bicycle.

(A Portlander's body is like this, only much whiter.)

Another cycling innovation I'd be surprised to find at the expo is this bicycle trailer, to which I was alerted by a reader:

Love camping but don’t like using a car to get into the great wide open? This can be a sticking point for those seeking a green, back-to-nature experience: Unless you are backpack-trekking with a bare-bones pup tent, getting all the camping paraphernalia you need for a comfortable trip into the wild can be nigh on impossible without burning gas. A Danish company has just come up with a plausible, neatly designed answer to this problem: a travel trailer light enough to haul behind a bike.

Oh please.  Not that I have anything against camping, but don't pretend you're somehow saving the earth by doing it--especially if you're schlepping so much crap you need a trailer the size of a garden shed. Just admit you're a lifestyle camper looking for a bucolic setting in which to imbibe exotic coffee and designer bourbon, and that the woods is really just the ultimate boutique hotel, artisanal cafe, or reclaimed wood bar.  You want a "green, back-to-nature experience?"  Move to the forest permanently and revert to a feral state.  Even if you ride your bike there instead of driving, what's so "green" about visiting someplace overnight?  All you're really doing is frightening the animals and filling the woods with that heady mélange of body odor and perfume which is the stench of humanity.

So you visited, took a shit, and left.  I'm fairly certain the delightful woodland creatures would have been much happier if you'd stayed home, where at least you sustain an ecosystem of mice, rats, pigeons and cockroaches.

In any case, now that you've admitted you're nothing but a rustic gentrifier, take a look at these features!

The Wide Path Camper could help reshape the future of camping. It weighs just 40 kilos (88 lbs.) unloaded, so pulling it behind your bike it may give you chunky calves but will hardly snap your hamstrings. And it turns out to be pretty roomy when folded out from its travel mode. Courtesy of a projecting metal nose, the Wide Path extends far enough to make space for two face-to-face sofas and a pull-down table, all within a shell that’s far warmer and more weatherproof than the average tent. The sofas flatten at night to form a double bed large enough to sleep two people. If you want to make the whole package greener still, the Wide Path comes with an optional solar cell for charging devices. The trailer currently costs around $2,500 (15,000 Danish Kroner to be precise)—not outrageous, but a good reason why Wide Path is also offering the campers for rent.

Translation: you can boink in it:

(If this trailer is a-rocking, please refrain from knocking.)

So there you go--though you'll need a Tronned-out party bike to pull it with:

Foxy girl on bike says "Nice Ride!" - m4w (Grand St / Morgan & Flushing)

I was riding the party bike; It was all Tronned out with flashing lights and blasting music. We smiled at each other as you blew past me in the Grand bike lane. I followed you down Humboldt for a bit, but lost you as you were hauling ass down side streets. I thought that was that, but as I approached Flushing at Morgan, there you were, heading into a cafe or something. It took me a minute to realize that you were the same person, and when you saw that moment of realization on my face, you called out, "Nice ride!" I should have stopped, but I was winded and runny-nosed. Heh. I hope you find this. I owe you a high-five at the very least.

In the ultra-high-rent, über-gentrified, wildy income-disparate cities of tomorrow, "livable streets" will mean just that--the apartments will all be empty shells owned by foreign investors, and the people will live in bike trailers, their meager wages taxed to the limit to pay for the bike lanes in which they both travel and sleep.  Since it will be far too expensive to drink and dine, mating rituals will involve attracting partners with flashing lights, and couples will eventually pedal out into the wilderness where they will copulate and spawn.  Really, it's all so obvious now, I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner.

("You weren't supposed to tell them.")

I expect to be "disappeared" and forced to join a forced gran fondo camp any day now.