Wednesday, November 12, 2014

It's Wednesday And I Typed This Entire Post On My Smartphone While Cycling!

For years now, Kickstarter inventors have tried to re-think the bicycle.  The've over-complicated it, or over-simplificated it, or simply made it out of something stupid, thereby totally fucking it up.  Now, though, one Kickstarter has begun a new chapter by completely un-bicycling the bicycle and turning it into some sort of unrecognizable accessory.  Meet the "Impossible:"



Can you really call something like this a "bike" just because it has two wheels and you sit on it?

Yeah, that's not a bike, that's a pair of glasses:


And check out this guy actually riding the glasses:


Note those tiny "wheels," which are more like casters.  I'd hate to hit a pothole or storm drain on that thing--though that can be mitigated by the optional "stabilization skirt" made from revolutionary crabon fribé bristles:


Not only does this help keep the bike upright, but it also enhances the bike's uncanny resemblance to one of those Groucho Marx disguise kits:


I especially like the slogan the inventor uses at the end of the video, which is "It's not a bike, it's a revolution."  However, for the sake of accuracy, I'd urge them to change that to "It's not a bike, it's a motorized barstool."


Because really, what is the difference?

Meanwhile, here in America's Most Bike Friendly City, the latest example of how it's not is a proposal to ban using a phone while cycling:


Mayor de Blasio said he supports the idea of a ban on talking on the phone or texting while biking.

“It’s the same concept as with a car. Someone’s who’s biking needs to be alert, needs to think of safety first,” he said. “They can’t do that if they’re simultaneously looking at a device.”

If you're wondering how I feel about this proposed ban, in the words of Groucho Marx, I'm against it.  Should you futz around on your phone while you're riding your bike?  Probably not.  But are bikes the same as cars, and should that be the basis for setting bike policy?  Absolutely not.  In fact, it's this obsession with pretending bikes and cars are the same that's gotten us into this mess in the first place.  It's why our infrastructure is so terrible for riding bikes, and why "vehicular cyclists" would have us riding around at top speed all the time while making ridiculous hand signals and wearing body armor and DayGlo jumpsuits.

I'd love for this to go the other way once in awhile, and for drivers to have to pretend that they're cyclists on the pretense that both vehicles are the "same concept."  For example, here in New York City, there are a surprising number of bridges over which you're technically supposed to walk your bike:



Presumably someone decided it wasn't safe to ride a bike over this bridge for some reason, most likely the metal grating on the road surface.  Of course, you can bet I just ride over it anyway, because I'm a regular Lucas Brunelle.  However, I'll gladly stop and walk just as soon as the drivers are also forced to stop their cars, put them in neutral, and push them across the span.  After all, as Mayor Billy de B. says, "It's the same concept as with a car," right?  So if a cyclist can lose traction then so can a driver.

In the meantime I'll keep banging my gong and snickering to myself as everybody flees the bridge.

As for the impetus behind the proposed ban, it's because some city councilman saw something once:

MANHATTAN — Standing outside of his Gravesend office last week, Brooklyn Councilman Mark Treyger noticed a bicyclist using a cellphone while riding down the street.

He didn't think much of it at first, but all of a sudden, the cyclist veered into oncoming traffic, nearly causing an accident.

Yeah, sure, now that we've licked the problem of drivers killing hundreds of people a year we should totally focus our efforts on cycling legislation.

Great comment by the always insightful EXXONPUMPITUP on that Daily News article by the way:


As long as I stay under 25 mph its all good when I run him over when he rides in front of me.  Just don't scratch my paint.

What's especially disturbing is that, given New York City's utter lack of driver enforcement, this isn't even cyclist-baiting.  It is merely a statement of fact.

Lastly, further to yesterday's post, I had a brief Twitter exchange with Lucas Brunelle himself:











He did, you know:

Do you ride like that even when you're picking up groceries? 
Yes. Every seat I have is as sharp as a razor, so you always play to roll.

That's my favorite Brunelle quote of all time.

He also told the press he was on a "group ride," which I reminded him:
Specifically, he said the following:

“I said, ‘We were on a group ride. Someone got an injury, they’ve got to go to the hospital.’ He started getting in my face and ‘(expletive) you’ and so I shot back and I said, ‘(Expletive) you.’ He gets out and he attacks me. He tried to run me over.”

So which was it?  A "run to the store at slow speed" or a "group ride gone bad?"  There's a pretty big difference between the two.

Well, apparently the answer is "Yes!"
It was at this point I realized I was behaving like Pee-Wee in his eponymous "Big Adventure" and abandoned my line of questioning:



I'm now off to the basement at the Alamo.

122 comments:

Anonymous said...

Podiating on early doors, yo

chunkylover said...

Yo

Anonymous said...

Pudiumz

RoadQueen said...

WOW! Top 10!

bad boy of the north said...

yikes!in the top ten.good morning all.
steel longshot

James said...

Scranus

herzogone said...

Woo, another early post!
Also, top ten.

Joe Friday said...

”I realized I was behaving like Pee-Wee…”

No, you were behaving like a good cop.

You know you are done with the perp when they are a sobbing, confessing ball of guilt.

bad boy of the north said...

I'd bet that riding the "impossible" in nyc would be quite the spectacle.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Good morning.

babble on said...

GOLD, Snobi Wan! What a great way to start the day, with a great big LOL at the Groucho glasses bicycle... thanks. I needed that. :D

Heh heh and I might go and pull a Brunelle on my way to work today, too. If I'm feeling particularly outre.

Joe K. said...

Thanks Lob I don't have a "Walk Bike" according to that sign i would have to dismount from it on that bridge. But I've learned in my life that however poorly written a sign, it is the interpretation of it by a screaming asshole that is always most important to note.

"Bicycle Riders stop and dismount; walk bike."

Is very different from:
"Bicycle Riders. Stop and Dismount Walk Bike"

Let's eat grandma vs. Let's eat, Grandma.

Punctuation saves lives.

But what do I know, I have to go now, the robot is telling me I should cultivate doceduly.

McFly said...

Hey if your a Regular Lucas Brunelle at least your not as full of shit.

Anonymous said...

Early Scranus.

Anonymous said...

I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

Bryan said...

I do love it when you throw in a clip from Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Can The Impossible even be consider a bicycle, since there don't appear to be any pedals? It's more of a portable hoveround. 1910 robots agree with me that it is not in fact, a bicycle.
Keep the rubbers down and enjoy the day!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Grouchobike

Jlrb said...

The nota bike needs a sharper nota seat

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Can't get no ...

Podisfaction !!

vsk - nice and gloomy and all fogged up in NYC !!

velle roodayin

Philae said...

Hey, no big deal or anything, but I'll be landing on a FUCKING COMET later today.

Drock said...

Blue snob jersery, is anyone listening, I ride better in blue. As a 816 rider I feel like a pioneer reading about cycling issues in big cities. So happy to ride in a city and have it to myself. Most cars around here see me as an oddity and give me the right of way however the minivan driver is always a little more aggressive than the rest, down the middle.

leroy said...

Golly Mr. BSNYC, Mr. Brunelle's explanation makes perfect sense.

My dog and his buddies often go on group rides to the store.

They have helmets just like Mr. Brunelle's and refill often for proper balance.

Freddy Murcks said...

Wednesday weed just not as enticing as it used to be?

grog said...

Always time for PeeWee.
Good luck Philae!
Scranus.

Freddy Murcks said...

Dear Philae - Good luck. I find it a little funny that NASA fucked up a Mars landing becuase the engineers mixed up english and metric units while it appears that the European Space Agency, which undoubtedly uses all metric all the time, is apparently going to successfully land on a freaking comet. Metric is your friend, my friends.

Anonymous said...

Ha!
BikeLobby tweeted, Landed on comet? Big Deal. They once successfully docked a CityBike first try.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...why is someone trying to kill burnelli every year?

...and is it once a year?

...is it politically motivated?

...is that why he's always got cameras strapped to himself and riding like a bat out of hell?

...is it also why you see him skidding in the desert in africa, and all around the world?

...SNOB, you must to investigate.

...then we finally might form a politically motivated bikeen club and hail the locus as our lord.

bk said...

Who hasn't been in that scenario? Picture: riding your bike leisurely to the store, when all of a sudden a group ride comes rumbling by. "Milk can wait!," you say to yourself, as you jump on the back wearing street clothes, sandals, and carrying no water.

Something stinks.

dop said...

remember the ala mode

Anonymous said...

Your head banging against the wall of the NY City biking scene is like a baseball game. Sometimes you get a hit and sometimes you strike out. Today you struck out. YOu don't want bikers to use cell phones becasue it takes a hand of the handlebars and eyes off the road. It is actually safer to use a cell phone in a car becasue taking a hand off the wheel does not make it more likely that the car will tip over. And I suspect the reason they want you to walk your bike over that bridge is because they were thinking you would be riding the bike on the sidewalk, which since it's tacked onto the edge of the bridge, is likely pretty narrow.

Miss Represented said...

" It's why our infrastructure is so terrible for riding bikes, and why "vehicular cyclists" would have us riding around at top speed all the time while making ridiculous hand signals and wearing body armor and DayGlo jumpsuits."

You actually read Forester's book!
Amazing how your retention is so accurate!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:33pm,

Save it.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:33pm,

It is actually safer to use a cell phone in a car becasue taking a hand off the wheel does not make it more likely that the car will tip over.

Right, because that's why texting and driving is dangerous.

You do not seem to be smart.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

wishiwasmerckx said...

"You do not seem to be smart."

Sometimes the most elegant insults are also the simplest ones.

Anonymous said...

The language of this sign, “leave draw when gong sounds” appears on all the drawbridges that cross the Harlem River between Manhattan and the Bronx. I’ve never ben around when any of them have been raised and hence, have never heard the gong.

The sign is in magnificent Highway Gothic, variations of which are used in directional and street signs, avoiding the by-now clichéd Helvetica.

--
wle
--

Anonymous said...

Picture: riding your bike leisurely to the store,

==wait
shouldn;t that be
==
" Picture: riding your bike leisurely-LY to the store, "

==
pet peeve

==
wle
==

Anonymous said...

...SNOB, you must to investigate...SNOB, you must to investigate...SNOB, you must to investigate...SNOB, you must to investigate...SNOB, you must to investigate


agree agree agree agree agree

wle

CommieCanuck said...

This was uploaded by Brunelle 2 hours ago.

back to you, PeeWee.

grog said...

Victory Philae. Now I'm going to install on my bike a pair of space harpoons and a set of ice screws in case I end up on a comet.
Scranus.

BikeSnobNYC said...

CommieCanuk,

The van appeared to have his blinker on. Smart riding.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Twob Rake said...

Wow. Johan Brunuyl goes faster when it is wet than i do in the dry.
Does he have anti-lock brakes?

Anonymous said...

brunelle - genius - passing on the right, plowing through cross street..
--wle--

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...NO NO NO... the van driver was trying to kill him. 'Happy Wednesday' is an Ukrainian expression loosely translates to, try harder.

Richard Breaks said...

EXXONPUMPITUP is a close personal friend of mine and I am disappointed to see that you are busting on him. You'd never guess based on his internet comments, but he's one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. You can't leave him alone with the pets because he will drop his pants and try to fuck the dog if given half a chance, but he's great with the children.

Anonymous said...

"Johan Brunuyl goes faster when it is wet than i do in the dry."

Johan Brunuyl? Weren't we talking about Lucas Brunelle? Are you claiming they are the same person?

philadelphia bicycle journal said...

Someone should hold Lucas Brunelle accountable and you have the right temperament to do it.

CommieCanuck said...

Two things: shooting up along slower traffic up and an intersection, not a good idea. Ignore van turn signals, and you're going to have a bad time.
and a third thing: that bigass camera/beerhat he wears on his head is crap, rent a GoPro, Johan Bruyneel.

Freddy Murcks said...

I encourage all of you to click watch the video that Doucheus Brunelle uploaded a while ago and I encourage all of you to leave a comment letting him know what a fucking idiot he is. [[Thanks to CC for posting the link in the first place]]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMqtMxPufj4#t=28

Angry Beaver in Miramichi said...

Biking while texting needs a Kickstarter Project. Attached to the handlebars would be a long flexible conduit tube that would hold a cell phone. You could then dictate your message into the phones microphone, I.E. "OK Honey, I'll get a loaf of bread and condoms on the way home. What about mouthwash, will you need mouthwash?" (just hope it's not a group message response you're using by accident). I'm thinking a million dollar KS Project should do the trick.

Anonymous said...

brunelle -- could ANYONE pay his coffee bills...?

--
wle
--

Comment deleted said...

Texting while biking is so easy that all local college students do it. You merely have to get over the idea that the handlebars need to be touched in order for the bike to go where you want.

If you happen to scare the shit out of someone trying to pass you because you can't hold your line, well, "dude should chill."

Anonymous said...

A bike weighs about 20 lbs, give or take a few lbs. A car weighs about 5,000 lbs, give or take 1,000 lbs. So a car weighs about 250x as much as a bike. Also top speed for a car is around 130mph, top speed for a bike is around 20-25mph. so a car goes about 6.5x as fast as a bike. So imagine being tackled by a 180lb guy running at say 12 mph, that's going to hurt. Now imagine be stampeded by 7 African elephants traveling at around 80 mph, that's is going to hurt a little bit more.

Anonymous said...

A bike weighs about 20 lbs, give or take a few lbs. A car weighs about 5,000 lbs, give or take 1,000 lbs. So a car weighs about 250x as much as a bike. Also top speed for a car is around 130mph, top speed for a bike is around 20-25mph. so a car goes about 6.5x as fast as a bike. So imagine being tackled by a 180lb guy running at say 12 mph, that's going to hurt. Now imagine be stampeded by 7 African elephants traveling at around 80 mph, that's is going to hurt a little bit more.

1904 Cadardi said...

No cell phone usage while cycling is probably a good idea.

Here's my proposal:
Let's try it out on the cars first. Get drivers to stop calling and texting and web surfing etc. If, after a period of strict zero tolerance enforcement, it appears to be working, then let's give the bikes a go.

But we have to have better than 90% compliance in the cars first.

NYPD are you with me?

CommieCanuck said...

A bike weighs about 20 lbs, give or take a few lbs. A car weighs about 5,000 lbs, give or take 1,000 lbs. So a car weighs about 250x as much as a bike. Also top speed for a car is around 130mph, top speed for a bike is around 20-25mph. so a car goes about 6.5x as fast as a bike. So imagine being tackled by a 180lb guy running at say 12 mph, that's going to hurt. Now imagine be stampeded by 7 African elephants traveling at around 80 mph, that's is going to hurt a little bit more.

Wait..wait..ok..I got the same answer.

Anonymous said...

CC & anon

valid point, but cars don't weigh that much.

From edmunds:
2015 Camry             3240 lbs
2015 Honda Accord      3254 lbs
2015 Nissan Altima     3191 lbs
2015 Vokswagen Jetta   2859 lbs
2015 Ford Taurus       4054 lbs
no edmunds data so manufacturer data
2015 Impala            3679 lbs

base 2x4 F150
2015 Ford F150         4050 lbs

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:36pm,

They said "give or take 1,000 lbs." And are those weights you posted wet or dry? (Not to mention they don't include passengers and cargo.)

--Wildcat Rock Machine

crosspalms said...

Well shit, if it's only 5 or 6 African elephants stampeding, that's no big deal.

Not a Biologist said...

Yeah, but what does an elephant weigh? And can they do 80mph?

crosspalms said...

Here's another thing: My job, every day, is to get from A to B and back in one piece without hitting anything or hurting anyone, and without breaking the law. If I can be pleasant to people while doing that, even better. Doesn't matter whether I'm in a car, on a bike, walking. That's the job. It sounds simple enough, but it means paying attention, and it means not losing it every time someone else stops paying attention. Just because I don't get paid to do this doesn't make it any less of a responsibility. I can be punished for fucking up, just as I can be punished for fucking up at my paying job. And if I put someone else's life at risk, I deserve to be punished.

Anonymous said...

Before we ask how much does an elephant weigh shouldn't we first figure out how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck would chuck wood and can they chuck wood at 80mph or 129kph and if so are they chucking 10kg or 4 metric tonnes?

Not A Biologist said...

Woodchuck.
One word.

Anonymous said...

Not after a metric conversion

semi serious cyclist said...

I think Brunelle's might have a plausible defense. I've done it. Who hasn't?? Sedately, riding home from the store, regal on your Schwinn cruiser, basket full of organic kale and local beer. suddenly you 'catch the wheel' of a group ride, spinning out in the mid 20's and pulling leads in front. Steel rims really carry the momentum once they're up to speed, and a Wald basket in front cuts the wind like dimples on a golf ball.

Spokey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Dang. Now I really want to know what Spokey said. Something spooky, Spokey?

Olle Nilsson said...

You know, you'd be better off with the cell phone law. Then, you'd be like "Okay, officer, you got me, haha, good one, you win". As it stands, they'll be writing you the ticket and you'll be ragey for months about how it's BS and isn't even a law.

Oh, and my mind totally went to Brunyl when I saw the tweet the other day. So yeah, pretty sure they're the same guy.

Marc Glimcher said...

Lucas Bruyneel is a weasel, and should be punished by having to buy a Montague hybrid bike like David Byrne and walk it everywhere EXCEPT for the Broadway Bridge, and also GoPro all that shit and post to Tweeter so everyone just gets tired of his boring-ass videos.

crosspalms said...

anon 4:44

wo rd

Top said...

What propels the Implodable Bike?

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

My old 1972 Cadillac Coupe de Ville weighed 5,200 pounds. About 1/3 of a fucktonneload.

vsk

Anonymous said...

IF THE "MORE OR LESS, GIVE OR TAKE" IS ON THE ORDER OF A TON, THEN THERE SHOULD BE EIGHT elephants TO MAKE THE EQUATION WORK.

JB said...

Once elephants get up to 88 mph, they will weight slightly less (like 99.74%) due to relativity. Einstein said so. Please revise equations and resubmit.

Olle Nilsson said...

Yeah, and if you can get the weight down to 99.44% they'll turn into bars of soap.

So who else is getting the transportation glasses? I figure those 10 AA batteries should at least get me to the corner before they fizzle. Sign me up!

Albert said...

"Once elephants get up to 88 mph, they will weight slightly less (like 99.74%) due to relativity.

Mass INCREASES with velocity. That is (one reason) why no object can obtain the speed of light; the object's mass approaches infinity as it approaches the speed of light. And F = MA you can't accelerate an infinity mass.

If you want to redeem yourself show you know the difference between mass and weight. And speed vs. velocity.

Spokey said...

Anonymous @5:14 PM

nothing spooky. wrote it, posted it, decided it was half PeeWee and half troll. Deleted it.

Spokey said...

albert is right. and / or he is a prince.

if I get to snobbie's house and back to mine in an hour my average speed was about 120 mph and avg velocity was 0.

my weight on the moon is 1/6 of earth but my mass is the same.

do i get a cigar?

Duh said...


Everyone knows an elephant can crush a car

Anonymous said...

MASS IS WHERE YOU GO ON SATURDAYS
WEIGHT IS WHAT YOU DO ONCE YOURE THERE
SPEED IS A DANGEROUS DRUG
VELOCITY IS WHERE I GO TO BUY KIT
SO STFU, IM REDEEMED!!!!, PRAISE LOB.

JLRB said...

1904 C @ 3:09 +1

I don't like people swerving at me while driving, walking, or biking because they are distracted by phones. But a law against phoning while biking will likely be enforced while the existing laws involving cars and phones are ignored.

AND

listenermark said...

Everytime I read Lucas Brunelle my brain sees Luis Buñuel.

los olvidados said...

Lou-E Lou-I

un chien andalou

simon of the desert

charm

Boston's Inferiority Complex said...

run to the store? huh - I guess he could have been headed to chinatown... but a group ride? does he mean actual bike commuters? that area of the city it's going to be suits on folding bikes.

Korak, son of Tarzan said...

Have you ever seen the Elephant's Graveyard?

Korak, son of Tarzan said...

Tantor. Warn Jane. The Ant People are restless.

Korak, son of Tarzan said...

I like a bamboo frame with ape hanger bars and Gatorskin tires.

babble on said...

Um, I'm sorry, but bikes do, in fact, go a fuckload faster than 25 mph. Just sayin is all.

Anonymous said...

Time to go bang my gong

Anonymous said...

Or bong my gang?

GONG BANG
BONG GANG

cannot believe I'm the first to go there.

Anonymous said...

Elephants are generally less rigid than cars. But they weigh more than cars; 5000 lbs is on the small side for African elephants. But speed matters more, because kinetic energy increases as the square of the speed. An elephant going 80 mph would definitely put some hurt on ya.

Dumb Hat said...

And you think you have it bad in NYC, look what the fucktard motorists of Australia have done http://www.smarthat.info

Really dumb fucking hat said...

Sorry should have made a clicky link geez these fucking bogan troglodytes give me the shits.

minnie the moocher said...

I hung around with a cat named smokey. I loved him, though he was cokey. He took me down to Chinatown, and taught me how to kick the gong around

JLRB said...

FM @2:19
The problem with that approach is views are a positive reinforcement - kind of like lots if people reading stupid news articles slamming bikes - even if you leave negative comments your clicks count = money.

JLRB said...

So when the gong songs you leave draw? Graffiti time?

Ridgid Elephant said...

Can someone help me with deez nuts?

97 said...

nothing to see here

98 said...

just passing through

99 said...

would you believe

JLRB said...

woo hoo

babble on said...

Well played, JLRB... XX
So I checked out that video, and the answer to your question, Oh Great Snobi Wan, is no. That is definitely not a bicycle. No pedals, no drive train? NO bicycle. Lazy-assed scooter, maybe. Impossible is how you'd describe the way that they got it to actually go. Oh never mind, that would be gravity. And I'm sorry, but what is the matter with that guy's face that they can't show it?!

Guess that makes me the groucho today. Hey! Where did I put my glasses?

McFly said...

Things I never expected to see on my home page.....

1) Kim Kardashian's ass slathered in Johnson's baby oil.

Back when I was a kid you had to search for porn on the internet.

erase your cookies said...

psssttt - McFly - once you search for porn enough they just start sending it to you.

Spokey said...

babs;

you're right. no bike. but it's not a scooter. it's the world's stupidest motor-sickle.

It doesn't have pedals but it does have a motor so it's a motor-sickle. The world's stupidest is just my opinion of course. but then again i am right.

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Security Guards said...

this proposed ban, in the words of Groucho Marx, I'm against it. Should you futz around on your phone while you're riding your bike? Probably not. But are bikes the same as cars, and should that be the basis for setting bike policy? Absolutely not.
Security Guard Service

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Unknown said...

this proposed ban, in the words of Groucho Marx, I'm against it. Should you futz around on your phone while you're riding your bike? Probably not. But are bikes the same as cars, and should that be the basis for setting bike policy? Absolutely not.
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