(Jersey comes assembled.)
I should have been reminding you for the past two days as well, but I forgot, because I'm incredibly busy. For example, yesterday afternoon I fucked off for a bicycle ride just because:
The camera does not do justice to the brilliance of the fall colors:
Which, I might add, would go splendidly with your orange and black Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo!" speed jersey--and with my bike:
It's extremely important that your jersey matches my bike.
In other news, when it comes to listening to your shitty music, the next big advancement is apparently "bone conduction:"
Wait, did somebody say "bone conduction?"
("My bone, it conducts. You come up to room I play for you Pavarotti in your lady place.")
Yep, it basically means listening to music via vibrations through your body, and it's already being used by swimmers:
The technique has been harnessed to allow adults to listen to music underwater, with several companies manufacturing bone-conducting headphones for swimmers.
Really? People can't even swim without listening to music now? Evidently not--so it should come as no surprise someone's adapting the technology to cycling:
On your bike
Design student Rodrigo Garcia Gonzalez is also interested in the possibilities of audio-tactile loudness illusions - but in a very different way.
He wants to turn your buttocks into a speaker system.
Sounds like a pretty transparent pick-up line to me.
("You come by later, I wanna turn your buttocks into a speaker system.")
"Butt Bongo Fiesta" indeed.
In any case, you can either mount the vibrating ass system under your saddle:
Or you can simply insert it directly into your rectum for optimum fidelity:
Then just let it work its magic:
Like the Subpac, it relies on a transducer. But the electrical signals containing the music are used to send pulses through the bike saddle, which is in direct contact with the rider's posterior, channelling the vibrations through the body to the head.
Again the effect is like an aural hallucination - you are listening to the music, even though it is not passing through the air around you.
Though keep in mind it doesn't sound very good:
Whether the sound quality is good enough for it to replace headphones is questionable.
It feels like you are listening to music being played far away in the distance - like a neighbour's loud party.
Not to mention that you won't even hear the music when you're out of the saddle. (Unless you went for the direct insertion method, of course.)
As for me, as much as I love music I don't really understand this compulsion to listen to it every second of every day--but if you do and you can't bear riding without it, just wear the freaking headphones. Contrary to what the safety weenies and helmet dweebs say, listening to music at low volume on headphones is really not particularly dangerous. Sure, if you turn it up until your teeth are rattling you're an idiot, but if you can hear your shifters clicking above the music you'll be perfectly fine. Just ask this guy:
The above image was forwarded to me by a reader, and I have no idea where it came from--nor do I particularly want to know where it came from.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right then great, and if you're wrong you'll see some carefully considered thoughts on bicycle safety.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and feel the vibrations.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) What is this?
--The "Smart Hat"
--The "Head Van"
--The "Cyber Helmet"
--The "Cranium Contraption"
(Smart move, Einstein.)
2) When approaching a turning motor vehicle from behind, you should maintain your speed and attempt to pass on the inside.
3) A New York City Councilmember wants to ban texting while cycling because:
--He has data that a significant number of bicycle crashes are caused by texting
--Similar legislation has solved the problem of texting while driving so this is the next logical step
--His constituents have specifically requested it
--He saw a guy doing it this one time and it freaked him out
4) Who is this?
--The World's Fastest Fred
--The World's Boldest Rocket-Powered Prone Recumbent Rider
--Winner of the 2014 "Meilleur 'Mullet' de France" Competition
--All of the above
5) Specialized's "Baggies vs. Lycra" test proves conclusively that:
--Lycra is faster than baggies
--Baggies are faster than Lycra
--There is no discernible difference in performance between Lycra and baggies
--Specialized are a bunch of weenies
6) Now you too can own:
--A bike that was used as a prop in the upcoming Lance Armstrong biopic
--A bike that was once used as a spare for Vincenzo Nibali in a single stage of the Tour de France
--A bike that was ridden in L'Eroica by a famous bike blogger
--A bike that was ridden naked by Mario Cipollini
7) You can buy a cyclocross frame from Walmart.
***Special "Sure, Why Not?"--Themed Bonus Video***