(Jersey comes assembled.)
I should have been reminding you for the past two days as well, but I forgot, because I'm incredibly busy. For example, yesterday afternoon I fucked off for a bicycle ride just because:
The camera does not do justice to the brilliance of the fall colors:
Which, I might add, would go splendidly with your orange and black Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo!" speed jersey--and with my bike:
It's extremely important that your jersey matches my bike.
In other news, when it comes to listening to your shitty music, the next big advancement is apparently "bone conduction:"
Wait, did somebody say "bone conduction?"
("My bone, it conducts. You come up to room I play for you Pavarotti in your lady place.")
Yep, it basically means listening to music via vibrations through your body, and it's already being used by swimmers:
The technique has been harnessed to allow adults to listen to music underwater, with several companies manufacturing bone-conducting headphones for swimmers.
Really? People can't even swim without listening to music now? Evidently not--so it should come as no surprise someone's adapting the technology to cycling:
On your bike
Design student Rodrigo Garcia Gonzalez is also interested in the possibilities of audio-tactile loudness illusions - but in a very different way.
He wants to turn your buttocks into a speaker system.
Sounds like a pretty transparent pick-up line to me.
("You come by later, I wanna turn your buttocks into a speaker system.")
"Butt Bongo Fiesta" indeed.
In any case, you can either mount the vibrating ass system under your saddle:
Or you can simply insert it directly into your rectum for optimum fidelity:
Then just let it work its magic:
Like the Subpac, it relies on a transducer. But the electrical signals containing the music are used to send pulses through the bike saddle, which is in direct contact with the rider's posterior, channelling the vibrations through the body to the head.
Again the effect is like an aural hallucination - you are listening to the music, even though it is not passing through the air around you.
Though keep in mind it doesn't sound very good:
Whether the sound quality is good enough for it to replace headphones is questionable.
It feels like you are listening to music being played far away in the distance - like a neighbour's loud party.
Not to mention that you won't even hear the music when you're out of the saddle. (Unless you went for the direct insertion method, of course.)
As for me, as much as I love music I don't really understand this compulsion to listen to it every second of every day--but if you do and you can't bear riding without it, just wear the freaking headphones. Contrary to what the safety weenies and helmet dweebs say, listening to music at low volume on headphones is really not particularly dangerous. Sure, if you turn it up until your teeth are rattling you're an idiot, but if you can hear your shifters clicking above the music you'll be perfectly fine. Just ask this guy:
The above image was forwarded to me by a reader, and I have no idea where it came from--nor do I particularly want to know where it came from.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right then great, and if you're wrong you'll see some carefully considered thoughts on bicycle safety.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and feel the vibrations.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) What is this?
--The "Smart Hat"
--The "Head Van"
--The "Cyber Helmet"
--The "Cranium Contraption"
(Smart move, Einstein.)
2) When approaching a turning motor vehicle from behind, you should maintain your speed and attempt to pass on the inside.
--True
--False
3) A New York City Councilmember wants to ban texting while cycling because:
--He has data that a significant number of bicycle crashes are caused by texting
--Similar legislation has solved the problem of texting while driving so this is the next logical step
--His constituents have specifically requested it
--He saw a guy doing it this one time and it freaked him out
4) Who is this?
--The World's Fastest Fred
--The World's Boldest Rocket-Powered Prone Recumbent Rider
--Winner of the 2014 "Meilleur 'Mullet' de France" Competition
--All of the above
5) Specialized's "Baggies vs. Lycra" test proves conclusively that:
--Lycra is faster than baggies
--Baggies are faster than Lycra
--There is no discernible difference in performance between Lycra and baggies
--Specialized are a bunch of weenies
(Analog eBay.)
6) Now you too can own:
--A bike that was used as a prop in the upcoming Lance Armstrong biopic
--A bike that was once used as a spare for Vincenzo Nibali in a single stage of the Tour de France
--A bike that was ridden in L'Eroica by a famous bike blogger
--A bike that was ridden naked by Mario Cipollini
7) You can buy a cyclocross frame from Walmart.
--True
--False
***Special "Sure, Why Not?"--Themed Bonus Video***
78 comments:
Woo-hoo-hoo!
Furst?
hahaha snobbb
bring back spencer!!
Ironic intern?
dang that was fast
well top tinnitus at any rate
i don't understand
listening to music gives you a boner
or
your boner allows you to play music? strum a guitar. subsitute as a kazoo?
Topus tenus
Ten-ish?
I was reading yesterday's and it didn't refresh... I want a recount. Top ten anywayZ
Since Classy Slyster makes his argument so eloquently, and, with such class, I now understand.
Mutts!
Ass music to go with my ass hat. Life just keeps getting better.
aced the quiz
good thing the bonus video wasn't part of the quiz. that confused me more than the boner music.
street lights be damned
Wow that dude ranting when you get the quiz question wrong is truly disturbing.
Remember Mia in a Minute? I'd almost prefer her, but I think Snob shut down her comedy career.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaHxFD-PChg
Snob, if you can do the same for The Classy Slyster, the world will thank you.....
I've probably already missed the boat on the Kickstarter I've been thinking about -- a buttplug alarm clock.
(YEOW! I'm up, I'm UP!)
I don't know, that cyclocross frame is $75 and doesn't even come with batteries (it says so). Seems pricey.
Didn't someone already invent the woman's vibrating bike seat?
When I swam in High School we started seeing the radios that clipped to your goggle strap and have one ear piece show up in practice. They were awful. You could feel them move with the water, and the sound was tinny and reception was crap. When MP3s started to hit, that was the next wave of shit to clip to yourself and swim. The bone conduction is what it is, it's not great. The sound is weak and dependent entirely on how secure of a connection you make. This all brings me to my next point.
If they make a bone conduction saddle for sound, would your chamois interfere?
Also, how good does it have to be in order to produce oral hallucinations?
vsk said ...
Wow - toppus twennius!
vsk
It says that cross frame from wallymart does not contain a battery, but they don't say what size battery it takes. Anybody know?
Wow, that Walmart cyclocross frame is a disaster in small sizes. A 50cm seat tube with a 58cm top tube. The 46cm has a super-long 57cm top tube????
It sounds like they are trying to eliminate wheel overlap by s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g the rider across the top. But, it will be tough to handle.
To give you an idea of what OEM costs are really like, probably $10-$15 to build those. Your high-end Giant/Trek is something like $25-$30 for a low end "good" biek.
It's pretty good idea for a road bike though!
Who is going to play Cipo in the Lance biopic? And which industrial lubricant wholesaler is going to sell the runoff body oil?
"The Head Van"
Well done sir.
How much for the 179?
The swimming world has passed on the bone conduction MP3 players now that iPods come in a waterproof version. The problem is the earbuds.
They dont last too long or fit well.
I listen to tunes on the long swim days or when the ladies don't show up.
Need something to help get through the miles.
Regarding wearing headphones while riding: I am like Snob, I love music but I don't feel the need for it to be a part of every activity. When MTBing, I find that music detracts from the experience because I like to enjoy the sounds of nature, my creaking bike, and my labored breathing. I also find headphones annoying on the trail because the a-holes that wear them can't hear when you politely ask if you can pass. As a general rule, I don't like to shout at people, but I've had to do it a few times when I come upon a slow rider or runner with headphones and they don't hear the repeated polite "excuse me."
equrcu happy
If these buttocks could speak, they'd say ride safe all!
More oblivious than many headphone users are groups of persons (meaning, females, usually) traveling three abreast and engaged in high-intensity gabbing. I give them a polite standard warning in plenty of time; at half the distance I give them a warning at double the volume; and if that gets me nothing I shout very loudly in their ear just before I squeeze by. Educating the public can be fun! Though it is a thankless task.
An occipital mounted vanity plate, that's for me
FLY
OVR
BC
That "Classy Slyster" guy has a lot of questions.
Before engaging him, however, my dog suggests I ask him if we can at least agree that the SATs were not his finest moment.
When I swim, I always wonder if the people in the next lane can hear me farting, or if they notice the bubbles.
The worst is when a giant fart bubble won't release from the crease, and clings until its time to flip.
...but... if kim kardashian rode a bike and wanted to listen to music, would she need a subwoofer?
slyster - whole weekend ruined now..
wle
not at all.
that's not an ass phone.
that's a beautiful boobie phone
or boobie speakers or something
When I swim, I stare at the buttcracks of the ladies passing me, and down the cleavage of the ladies approaching. I was having a particularly good cleavage stare, when my eyes rose to meet the angry glare of my neighbor. I pretended to stare at something a thousand yards away....honest...I was just preparing for a tri
bone fone? my mother always told me to carry a dime in my condoms, "If you can't come, call"
My pleasure, Snob.
If you want to work up some fun for Monday, try:
http://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2014/nov/14/-sp-kickfunded-the-enhralling-world-of-kickstarter-crowdfunding-failures
Do I really spy a registration plate on the last bike in the bonus video?
COD tie so far,
Leroy at 2:03 and RetroG at 2:15.
How're you feeling today RCT?
vsk said ...
Approching abreast riders knowingly hogging the lane?
The joust is on!!
Extend Topeak Road Rage Pump!
Aero Tuck!
Ridiculous Speed !!
---------
On my Schwinn SuperSport with the chrome fork I have a Ventura Tire Bell. Pull the trigger and its mad continuing ring is quite loud.
Happy Friday !!
vsk
Brother Yam - you beat me to that link. But many here are probably too young to remember when this was brand new.
vsk [also] said ...
I just seen dis here thing:
http://www.treehugger.com/bikes/rideye-plane-black-box-your-bike-providing-evidence-against-dangerous-drivers.html
This plus Fly6 ?
Looks obtainable.
vsk
Sandy Oil heading our way?
Did someone say Boobies?
Free the nipple! Don't cover it in a helment with registration numbers, lights and cameras!
NSFW (duh)
DB -Feeling ok today. Beak is tender still but that's to be expected. I'll pull through. Thanks for asking.
Have a nice weekend and ride safe all.
I thought Bone Fone was a porno.
All I could think about when I saw the Kim photos was someone GIF'ing them a la Jim Carrey's taking ass cheeks comedy routine.
Insert a blue water bottle, recycle orange one, then we may all celebrate a jersey that matches your ride. Down the middle.
woo-
semi century podi
vsk
I'd go for the rideye combo. a little cheaper and a longer run time.
OTOH that sample video scared the shit out of me. What was that? A Lucas Brunelle ride to starbucks for morning coffee?
PotbellyJoe 1:23, you certainly mend to say: “Anal – hallucination”; right?!
Slow day at the office, so I thought I would share some stories about the hot/crazy Bosnian for your amusement and annoyance.
She was very excited to show me her "acting" in the Flight of Conchords video "Ladies of the World".
That's my butt at :52!!! Green bikini!
I played her the Clem Snide song,
Ballad of a Bitter Honey. She laughed.
She told me, "If I knew you were this cool, biker hipster dood, I never would have talked to you." I don't have a mustache or any tattoos, ironic or otherwise.
She has several tattoos, the most interesting of which, says "What nourishes me, consumes me" in Latin.
First time I tried the old hammer of Thor style BONE ZONE, let's see if I can split this girl in half steez, she started yelling, "thank you, thank you!"
:/
After a few days it turned into "I hate you, I hate you!"
She is really into the hair pulling and choking.
^Anyway...move along people, nothing to read there. ^
Anyone else notice the license plate on the solar bike lane riding dutch bike? Shouldn't those be mounted to the helment, just like the lights, signals, blablabla. Attaching things to your bike? So yesterday.
CJ I love your stories!!!!!!
vsk said ...
True Spokey.
I might go for it. If I do, I'll blog blog blog about it.
vsk
They've reinvented the Bone Fone?
Oh my God! Is CJ the initials of Jesus Christ spelled backwards?!!
vsk
I might go for the pair if they really existed but looks like they have slipped dates a few times. Fly6 too. Might buy if it really existed but they still talk about pre-ordering and given how long snobbie has had his i wonder what's going on.
can robot really usafeved Hebraistic before sundown tonight?
Brother Yam, totally remember that. I so would have been dumb/young enough to buy one if I had some form of income like a paper route.
Still hungover - damn you saké
I used to have a bone phone, but it kept getting prank called by my asshole phone so I cancelled service...I hear the bone phone 6 is even bigger
Breathing a huge sigh of relief today, as our very own Robba the Fords wannabe was resoundly defeated last night. Thank fucking God.
And thank you, oh Great Snobi Wan, for the nearly naked hottie photo. I love pretty things. :)
Please, "The above image..." Some advance warning. I was like this until my eyes adjusted. I was expecting Recumbabe, not some bizarro Bibshorts Guy.
Hey Snobi Wan - did you hear about U2's front man and his cycling mishap in Central Park? Whaddya think? Was he checking his Strava? Maybe he will get a lawyer who will work Pro Bono...
That interactive audio butt plug needs some taper on it. Same reason terds* have it...so your butthole doesn't slam shut.
*[Ed. note: The spelling of terds is always up for debate]
Mr. Snob, assuming you read this far down in the comments, let’s see if you can make fun of this
BUT WAS HE WEARING A HELMENT??????
BUT WAS HE WEARING A HELMENT??????
vsk said ...
Mondium !
Spokey, yeah, I think they might still be in and out and in Kickstarter phases?
I'll watch this. I think it might be good. Have to teach a few "responsible" relatives how to access it to get the black box recordings!
vsk 6553
Bama Phred may have a point about the above image
commentarist didn't even make a century over the whole nasty weekend
let alone the 1625 robot was babbling about
tUrds
84% of all arm injuries are the result of helmentless riding.
Bono Bone: Fone Home
FUNK WIZZ
good article
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Would you be interested in exchanging links?
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Qubeshub.org
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