Wednesday!

As the years go by I think more and more about my own mortality.  The subject of my inevitable demise is tremendously important to everybody in the world, because I'm a solipsist and when I cease to exist so do you.  In any case, this morning the following article caught my eye, and I'm not reproducing the accompanying images because they're fucking creepy:

I didn't have the patience to actually read it carefully because life's too damn short to attempt to understand science stuff, but basically what I gleaned from it is that if you surround yourself with stuff from your heyday you can retard [*snorfle*] the aging process or something.  Specifically, they herded up a bunch of doddering old people and had them spend a few days in an environment that replicated their heyday, and when they emerged again they were all spry and stuff:

At the end of their stay, the men were tested again. On several measures, they outperformed a control group that came earlier to the monastery but didn’t imagine themselves back into the skin of their younger selves, though they were encouraged to reminisce. They were suppler, showed greater manual dexterity and sat taller — just as Langer had guessed. Perhaps most improbable, their sight improved. Independent judges said they looked younger. The experimental subjects, Langer told me, had “put their mind in an earlier time,” and their bodies went along for the ride.

That's some "Cocoon" shit right there:

"So what does this have to do with cycling?," the slow-witted among you may be asking.  Oh, only that crabon will kill you and being a retrogrouch may be the key to immortality, that's all.  It's science!

Here's a little experiment: take Cyclist A and Cyclist B.  At around the time he hit middle age, Cyclist A said in an old-timey accent, "Index shifting, plastic saddles, and non-ferrous bicycle frames is for 'da boids."  Well guess what?  Cyclist A is 99 years old now and he's jamming up those hills on his Dick Power like a man one-quarter his age.   Don't believe me?  I seen it for meself, I tells ya!  Check him out, he's the guy in red:

He was 89 years old when he did his first L'Eroica in 2004, and now look at him!

Now let's take a look at Cyclist B.  On paper, he's the same age as Cyclist A.  However, instead of forsaking useless technological bicycle "innovation," he tried to keep up and remain on the cutting-edge--crabon frames, electronic shifting, Strava, you name it.  Here he is today:

(An aging Fred futzes with his futuristic space bicycle.)

A cautionary tale if there ever was one.

So disembark from the Upgrade Express before it's too late.  (Though in the above Fred's case I'm sure all those drugs didn't help.  And yes he took drugs.)

Speaking of aging Freds, this weekend George Hincapie is hosting the most heavily-rationalized Gran Fondo of all time:

This is a big deal because, as everybody knows, cycling is totally clean now.  So what happens when the squeaky-clean kiddies mingle with the dirty old men?  Will they be corrupted?  Well, obviously the answer is "They already have been," since the dirty old men run the teams now and the riders continue to take drugs.  Nevertheless, the media has to pretend this is a big deal by making everybody explain themselves:

VeloNews reached out to several of those pros, past and present, who are participating, for comment.

Most, including Armstrong and Hincapie, addressed their involvement with event, either via email, phone, or in person, while a few — Vande Velde and Livingston — did not.

Some addressed the inherent awkwardness of the reunion, others did not.

Their replies follow below.

Suffice to say the rest reads like a bunch of dieters explaining to you at great length why they're going to treat themselves to that slice of birthday cake.

Meanwhile, the Tour de France route for 2015 has been unveiled, and--SURPRISE!--they're riding through France again:

The above map is actually the Tour de France route from like two years ago, but honestly what's the difference?  You know the deal: mountains, sprint stages, a finish in Paris, yadda yadda.  Even the riders are sleepwalking through the whole thing at this point.  For example, Cadel Evans was at the presentation, having completely lost track of the fact that he's retiring in February:

("I feel like I'm forgetting something...")

Soon though he shook the nagging sensation he didn't need to be there and was back to his old tricks:

Being a semi-professional bike blogger, I launched my Rupert Murdoch phone-hacking app to find out what they were looking at:

Unsurprisingly, Mark Cavendish was nonplussed:

And it would be hours before Vincenzo Nibali realized that Jean-Christophe Péraud had superglued his finger to his face:

So yeah, the whole gang is off to France again, where the mountains are mountainous, the Freds are Frédérics, and the meat is tainted.

Oh, here's some news for you: Remember DU/ER, the action pants for restless metrosexual d-bags who lie in wait in a squatting position so they can go doody on other men's heads?

Well, not only have they received lots of press coverage:

(No, really, they put my logo between "BusinessWeek" and "Yahoo! Finance.)

But they also sent this smug email:

I thought you would be interested to know that we are in the final 6 days of our DU/ER Performance Denim Kickstarter campaign. Having raised 25,000 in just 5 days, we now have exceeded to $42,000! Some key elements of DU/ER performance denim is the quick dry, temperature control and is 30% lighter and stronger than traditional denim and proven to have 5 times the strength then the Levi's commuter jean. We would love for you to be able to experience our denim for yourself. Please contact us to experience DU/ER denim. You can also check out our Kickstarter campaign by following this link: http://bit.ly/Duerdenim

If you have any questions please feel to contact me at your earliest convenience. 

No thanks.  I don't want to experience DU/ER denim.  My fear is that if I experience the denim then copies of "Details" magazine will start appearing in my mailbox and I'll have to start shopping for a Range Rover.

Lastly, further to yesterday's post about bridges, a reader tells me that officials are considering charging pedestrians and cyclists to cross the Golden Gate Bridge:

On Friday, Highway and Transportation District directors said they are considering charging a toll for bicyclists and pedestrians to cross the Golden Gate Bridge.

The sidewalk tolls would be part of a plan to eliminate $32.9 million over the next five years and would start charging in July 2017.

If this toll were to go into effect it would set a dangerous precedent, for it wouldn't be long before the idea of a "Fred Tax" would sweep the nation--and if they charge by the axle we'll all have to ride unicycles.