This means I won't be posting on Monday in observance thereof (by which I mean the schools are closed so I'll be busy parenting), but I will return on Tuesday, October 14th with regular updates.
If you've got a problem with that then you're racist against Eye-talians.
Secondly, I'm pleased to announce I've chosen the winner of the Strava-Free Weekend Essay Contest, and here it is:
When I saw Bike Snob’s challenge to have a Strava-free weekend⎯and considered whether it was possible for me to do this⎯I began sweating, shaking violently, and vomited at my desk at work. When my coworker Fred saw this, he asked me what was wrong, so I told him. Being a cyclist and Strava user himself, Fred also vomited (but Fred is a total poser⎯he rides a hybrid and doesn’t even pay the $60/year fee to be a premium Strava member!). Once I realized I was exhibiting classic addiction/withdrawal symptoms, I realized I had to try.
So this morning, on a beautiful fall Saturday in NYC, I rode up to Flushing Meadows Park. Since I wasn’t distracted by dominating my personal bests while hunched head down over my aerobars, I noticed many things about cycling in my city that I had never seen before. Firstly, there are all sorts of people! Other human beings that normally would have been mere annoying blurs in my peripheral vision or obstacles to be nimbly navigated. As I continued into the park, I also noticed other cyclists! These people were making casual laps around the lake, seemingly unconcerned with their KOM times or Suffer Scores, and they actually seemed to be enjoying themselves regardless! My greatest discovery of the day had to be the Kissena Velodrome. A Velodrome, I learned, is sort of like the loops in Central and Prospect Park⎯but without all of the obnoxious pedestrians. My urge to do a few laps was defeated when I noticed a children’s event going on. Now I’m not saying that my initial gut impulse to scream “GET OUT OF MY WAY!” at them wasn’t there entirely, however it was squelched by…well, just how darn cute they were! On their little miniature track bikes, wearing tiny little jerseys! I started shaking when I wondered if any of them were using Strava to record their laps⎯but I was able to take a deep breath and compose myself. Maybe there is hope for the future, after all.
So thank you, Bike Snob, for challenging me to address my addiction to data collection and the cycling equivalent of being a chronic masturbator. Who knows? Maybe even Fred and me will go for a nice, leisurely ride together soon (but probably not).
I mean really. Jesus.
Anyway, congratulations to the winner,
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right that's just fantastic, and if you're wrong you'll see recumbent porn.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and see you on Tuesday. That's TUESDAY, not Monday. Got it?
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) Fill In The Blank: "Zoobomb" is out; ________ is in:
--"Menageriebomb"
--"Moobomb"
--"Shoebomb"
--"Jewbomb"
2) What is Thatcher Wine?
--A wine
--A town
--A bike
--A Fred
3) The proper term for a Bamboo Fred is:
--A Panda
--A Gilligan
--A Thurston Howell III
--A Bambimbo
4) What is Veloloop?
--An attachment to your bicycle that triggers traffic signal sensors
--A keyless, Möbius-powered bike lock that works on confusion
--Dutch for "Circuit" (e.g., "Veloloop Het Niewsblad")
--Steampunk power meter for pennyfarthings
5) "Da Brim" is the first integrated helment visor system designed specifically for Quakers.
--True
--False
[Via Klaus of Cycling Inquisition]
6) Who is this?
--"The Bicycling Vigilante"
--"The Avenging Fred"
--"Captain Cat 6"
--"Doctor DayGlo"
(Or a fourth if you're Cipo.)
7) Cycling can cause you to grow a third testicle.
--True
--False
***Special Golden Age Of Cycling Shorts-Themed Bonus Video***
137 comments:
wow
cycle
no way podium? wooo hoo speed suckas.
and again
cycle
tOP tEN
i dont know what to say. scranus? that is always popular.
Top Canadian!
Love, At racer of surfers
she kills doogie house in gone girl. spoiler alert.
top ten maybe
Anybody in here?
doogie houser. damn it.
Friiiiday!! Topus tenus. :D
Two claws up!
You Jerk! I answered all the Qs wrong, hoping to see hot naked lady pic from before. But no.
Thank you. Jesus.
What? Not all contests require the revelation of e-mail, phone number, social security number, neked dating photos, etc.? kakakakaKen will be nonplussed.
bang
I took Junior's phone from him yesterday evening and he curled up into the fetal position. I uncurled him and we strapped on lights and went on a NIGHT RIDE(tm)
and he loved it. It was an unrecorded ride so technically it didn't happen.
oh yea, thank you.
Sincerely.
click
HA! Schools are open where I live. I might get a chance to put your picture in the frame!
Enjoy Third to reach America day on Monday. Even if really really only went to the Dominican Republic, thought he was in India and then pulled the classic Italian hardheaded stubbornness refused to admit he was wrong to the point where the natives were called Indians for centuries.
Maybe the Vikings had it right.
It's also Canadian Thanksgiving. A time when Canadians come together and collectively agree that Hockey is the greatest thing in the world right next to a beavertail and a double-double. But what they are most thankful for is not being in America where they would have to celebrate some Italian guy who couldn't be bothered with asking the Vikings for directions to the New World.
bang
I vote that we change the name of "Columbus Day" to "Canadian Thanksgiving."
WHAT? You didn't make my video the bonus question? WTF is going on? I thought we had an arrangement!
Sorry, sorry, man. Kind of lost it there, I know. We're good, we're still good. Fucker.
Avenger's video has the best mispronunciation of "misdemeanors" I've ever heard. Robot overlords need more practice.
and by kakakaken I was not associating ken with the KKK, it was a Fish Called Wanda reference
That 'bent is even cooler looking than the Batmobile. Said no one ever.
burop.
I thought the contestants experience more emetic than cathartic.
I think the proper politically correct term for Columbus Day is now Indigenous Peoples Day. We have to combat racism in all its forms. So I say Fuck those damned racist Eye-talians and their indigenous people murdering hero. And by the way, Columbus didn't discover America, he invaded it.
Respectable.
vsk
LOVED the recumbent porn. Thanks.
Not sure which was more enthralling the recumbent or the 90's London bike messenger video.
Thanks Jesus!
London Re-cycling said the sign on the van.
That was waaay tooo much video of the polka dot shorts.
I wonder what happens when a Jag-you-war or a Bent-ly kills a bicyclister in Londinium.
Hey WCRM, Thanks!
at least he was wearing a helment.
dnk - does that mean that everybody gets to be thankful for all of the Canadians in their lives?
Excellent essay. Golf clap to the author. Nice to see $70,000 in college costs paying off....with a hat.
@babble - totally. If they aren't they should be.
(Written in red lipstick on bathroom mirror)
You Bastard.
I denied myself for your stupid contest
I was Master of My Domain for an entire weekend
I abided by your rules.
And for what? You run off with the essay equivalent of huge fake boobs.
YOU CAN'T JUDGE ME
Scranus
how do you adjust that seat on the recumbent? Looked too low (or whatever the equivalent on a recumbent would be) to me based on the bend of the guys knees
on a more McFly note
like another poster every time I L'Eroica appeared I saw L'Erotica
yesterday I missed recumbabe in the ad
today when babs wrote: Topus tenus I saw Topless tenus.
is this a good thing or bad thing?
robot gave me a score of 2739 on today's quiz
3 miles is a long way to commute!!!
What's wrong with being a chronic masturbator?
Thanks, Snob.
I was sold at squelched.
CB lingo is so hawt.
Notice in the crabon recumbent vid how the bent fred follows along with the diamond frame freds for awhile then casually swings out and blows their doors off.
I agree not a terribly attractive recumbent bike but its not designed to look pretty. I'm pretty sure its sole purpose is to go down the road with the least resistance.
Oh yeah thanks for taking another extended brake.
Columbus day? You guys have a national holiday for awesome steel tubing?
I call bullshit, it's CDN Thanksgiving, which is really a misunderstood Cranksgiving. In past history, low quality bike cranks were all over Canada, and would wear out every fall, so the pilgrims would give each other new cranks. Government-issued square tapers got eliminated, the bottom brackets eventually got beefier and beefier, until we replaced cranks with beef, which lead to dinner, then we got all health conscious and replaced beef with a big bird.
'muricuhns just assumed it was Thanksgiving and we fucked up on the date due to socialism and cheap weed.
And that, kids, is the story of Thanksgiving in Canada.
@Thatcher Whine @1:56 - especially when you have to commute to a job you made up, selling things nobody needs. Keep up the training, with coach, and rolfing,you sly old cycling triple threat you.
anon@ 1:58 - right?! Masturbation is a GOOD thing. Sheesh. Spokey- I'm thinking that is a good thing, too. Only as it turns out, that was comment eleven. Which is kind of cool in its own way, cause it is two little matching numbers, sort of like babble o'the flashing advance.
WTG Andrew, except you make being a chronic masturbator sound like a bad thing.
The bent thing was annoying.
Gone riding, or taking the bus.
FUNK WIZZ
RIDE NICE
COLU MBUS
This Steampunk Stuff I could get used to
Commie, have fun yanking each other's cranks up there. We in Canada's minchia shall sit here sullenly, munching on salami.
I'm kinda parital to munching salami, too, come to think of it. Whatever turns yer crank, right?
I seem to be stuck in the gutter today.... oh well.
How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?
answer: 10
wait, i told it wrong.
How come it takes 10 Canadians to change a light bulb?
answer: because they're so dang stupid, that's why.
Crosspalms caught it first:
Miss Demi Moores?
Mist dee me snores?
Oh, misdemeanors!
Fucking robots.
Also, what does the vigilante guy do after he records the missdemimoore? Citizens arrest?
...a nodule???? that's not what the doctor told me last week when she felt around my scranus and found that third testicle...
...and she didn't tell me to stop cycling. she told me to stop wanking and fornicating.
WTF!
Nodule
And the common theme from both of today's extended length videos is ....
Answer to be revealed later, or sooner
bama phred...I can hear you saying that in this cat's voice
Fred and I.
Nice Good Fellas reference. Thank you, Snobby.
I want to see what happens when that 'bent hits a 6" deep pothole, since I don't think an evasive maneuver or bunny hop is in its arsenal.
Love the essay. Slow down and notice everything around you. It's pretty neat.
Thatcher Wine was so douchey I forgot all about him immediately for my sanity. Since I missed that question...
Carbon recumbent fred almost raced right under a bus. Dude needs a flag on that thing. Also, it's pointless without a fairing. Once you go beyond the diamond frame, it doesn't end until you're racing in suppositories.
I kind of like the Bicycle Vigilante. I have been tempted to vigilatism a time or two.
Changing saddles eased the third testicle symptoms? You don't say! Title ought to be "Cycling with an ill-fitting saddle is uncomfortable, Doctors of the Obvious report."
I would have totally entered that contest if the prize was a Da Brim. It better aligns with my discerning sense of fashion. Plus, imagine it flapping away at woohoo speed.
In honour of Canadian Thanksgiving, thanks Snob.
PBateman: 10? You sure there isn't a metric joke hiding in there somewhere? Unless it's a binary joke. Nope, don't see that either. Am I overthinking this or am I just too dang stupid? You might be onto something.
I was nonplussed by the "Iron Mike" video narration: I mean, wha-at theefuck?
Thanks dop, true, but more whiney.
Commie you just kill me.
And thank you Snob, for enabling this menagerie.
Shouldn't Snobby be thanking us? Without us, his wife would likely make him get a real job. Unless the weekly trip to Brooklyn is to collect his Mafia payouts.
Thank you Snob.
Commie,
Very enlightening. Based on the limited time I've spent in Cananadaiaia, that seems entirely logical.
In honor of Columbus Day, I might crack out the ol'SLX steed.
Hey, anyone know how long till Reynolds Day?
Wow, I usually can't be arsed to watch the videos, but that 90s London was a trip down memory lane, since I was a courier for six months back in that day. So many Routemasters, happy memories of two-tone VWs etc etc; less happy memories of Shaftesbury Avenue, which was always clogged up with traffic and kamikaze pedestrians. Happily my shorts were black, so I don't think I am part of the film.
Happy Thanksgiving!
or whatever you're celebrating down there.
That recumfred video is quite possibly the most boring 4.5 minutes I have ever witnessed. The only action appeared to be that recumfred passed some other freds on his recumfredsled. Maybe there was some stirring commentary and/or music - I wouldn't know, I watched it without the sound. I was hoping that maybe he'd hit a pothole or something so that we could at least witness the destruction of the recumfredsled. But alas....
Recumfred did disable the comments on his youtube video. I can't possibly imagine why.
Master Bateman- The answer is 11. It must be. Because some of us have very small brains.
Too bad a big turkey dinner does nothing to bolster brain power...
No boobies? Where is the Veloloops girl? Is she considered 'bike porn'?
Recumfred has a monocoque and Cipollini has three balls. This has been a day of minor numerological revelations.
Happy Thanky Day, all-yall in America's beanie. I will now go down to the embasement and congratulate my SL/SP retro Fred sled on its eponymous long weekend.
Classic Tilford today.
The bonus video has all the structural tension of a late-period Godard film.
See you on Monday!
Good to see that some of you sinners are remembering to make mention of the Son of God. Put your faith in Him and your rims will always stay true.
Ride thankfully all!
Quit talking about my blog
I Stravated the FUCK out of my Specialized©® all weekend.
Sweeney Todd
(A little condensed, like soup)
Mrs. Lovett: What are we going to do about the Eye-talian?
Sweeney:
Late at night, when it's dark, we'll take 'im out and bury 'im.
ML: Well yes, I suppose we could do that..... Well, you know, ideas pop into my head, and I keep thinking!
S: What?
ML: Seems an awful shame....
S: Mmmh?
ML: Seems an awful waste.....
S: What?
ML: Such a nice plump frame, what's his name has... had... has!
S: Hmm....
ML: ....Seems an awful waste.... I mean, with the price of meat what it is, when you get it....
S: Ha!
ML: Good, you got it!
..........
S: What's the sound of the world out there?Those crunching noises pervading the air?!
ML: What, Mr. Todd? What, Mr. Todd? What is that sound?!
S: It's man devouring man, my dear!
But fortunately, it's also clear, that everybody goes down well with beer!
That must have been an exciting day filming that bonus video.
David P - GMU?
nice blog post! thanks for sharing :)
Hah! I found a can of 'Miraculous Molybdenum Disulphide Plating In A Non-Melt Base', forgotten from the late 80's in my laboratory and now with liberal application to the moving parts on my bicycle, will reduce friction and ergo take over the world! Bwhaah ha ha!
86
87
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91
92
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strava
It must cost about $200 to replace the yards of chain on that Low Racer Recumbent...
Evil, careful with that moly. Liver disfunction with hyperbilirubinemia has been found in factory workers and among inhabitants of Mo-rich areas of Armenia... It's a slippery slope to attaining the lowest co-efficient of friction.
OMG I laughed...
The RCMP locked down the town of Slocan this week when some nutter shot at one of their cars. People were locked up for two days before they let them out of their houses yesterday. Today they issued a public notice asking the dude with a gun to please call them.
Ha! Yep, the mounites always get their man... :D
argle bargle
With tomorrow's holiday, I can only hope that our Canadian friends are careful & don't drop any frozen turkeys in their fryers
I watched my neighbors house burn in aught 5 from a turkey and a big deep fryer.
More Cipo please.
scran
Had an important business dinner tonight at a tony restaurant. I had the Dover sole and one of the accompaniments was cipollini...
Tilford is trapping pussy. Again. It's pussy he has trapped before and clipped a little piece off of.
In honor of Canodeeanne Thanksgiving Day, I am thankful ... that there is no Strava for cars
I really gotta stop this shit.
Babble & CC. The Mounties always get their man and Cipo always gets his woman. CC thanks for the history of thanksgiving in Canada. Halloween up north must have something to do with Rob Ford, I'm guessing.j
Frilly, any more Cipo and you would be impaled.
I think a television show should be developed for Oleg Tinkov and Bjarne Riis. It could be similar to great 80s buddy TV shows like Simon and Simon or Hardcastle and McCormick. I would suggest that they call it Megalomaniac and Mr. 60%.
Ew. Deep fried turkey? And I am guessing nobody has the dosh to fry a big bird in heart healthy coconut oil, either... there aren't actually a lot of oils that are still ok to eat after they've been exposed to high heats, y'know.
Coconut oil and grapeseed oil are both ok, but it would cost a small fortune to fill a massive deep fryier with either of those.
On a lighter note...
Frilllllly! Good to see you again, beautiful girl. :D xo
I'll take my chances.
Back at ya Babbs! Mwah!
Frilly!
The fried turkeys are usually done in peanut oil. They also usually tip over and burn down the immediate surroundings.
Not to brag, but my brother-in-law deep fried a turkey on his kitchen stove.
He also once hit himself in the head with a sledge hammer. Not sure if that's a case of causation or correlation. Either way, he's an idiot.
My neighbor turned his on to warm up and "ran to the lake for a second." There was a big hard chunk of deep fryer stalagmite in the bottom that exploded and blasted the curtains with scalding hot firey grease.
Did I mention it was in the sunroom with his wifes collection of 150 year old dolls and various antiquities? Hunny bunny was napping and thought a helo was landing in his yard. It was the brick shell of his home gasping for more oxygen.
If anyone needs a Snob fix, check out the Brooks blog...looks like we get a good pictorial!
Also, I guess....spoiler alert. Just because he didn't want to hang out with us today doesn't mean we can't find him on the interwebs!
Thanks Bryan. Great read.
That's a good read. Sure beats riding the worlds longest yard sale. Yeah, that's a real thang.
My dog led a group ride of Canadian Thanksgiving Refugees.
He said they reminded him of me.
I think "insouciant neckerchief" is checking out the Snob. Or giving him the evil eye.
I can just hear her saying
I got this cute retro outfit together.
Rented this creaky old bike
Spent hours getting my look together
And for what?
All these guys want to do is eat salami, drink wine, and wank to Strava.
And I have to push my own damn bike.
Pisa is eponymous, not the tower, but very nice.
we joke about Canada, but babs has given me new appreciation and respect for the Canadian beaver...nothing has been so inspirational since elle macpherson's portrayal in sirens of the Australian bush
Ebola humor, anyone? Best case scenario, half of us will die from it, might as well laugh in its face before we shit ourselves to death.
Jokes about Ebola are what I would call sick humor.
Headline from Ruskie Today:
Scrotally unacceptable! Banksy mural defaced by crude phallic doodle.
I think this means that Snob has a day job. Though is should say Scranally unacceptable!
Aqueous humor is like a sight gag for someone with watery eyes.
Yes all true scranus
good
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