Thursday, September 11, 2014

Hanging In There: Undaunted or In Denial?

Here in New York City it's an overcast day both literally and metaphorically, so let's focus on the positive.

Remember the Flying Rider?



They said it was ridiculous.  They called it a rolling hernia truss.  They said it would never get off the ground.  (The bike, that is, not the rider.  The rider is clearly off the ground, hovering preternaturally like a seagull over a garbage scow.)

And when I say "they," I mean "me."

Well, that didn't stop the inventor, one David M. Schwartz, architect and living embodiment of the American Dream, who next took the Flying Rider project to Kickstarter in search of $28,888:



By the time his campaign was over, he had raised just over three hundred bucks.

The story might very well have ended there.  David M. Schwartz might have given up.  In search of solace, he might have turned to drink.  He might then have engaged in drunken street corner tirades against the all-powerful saddle and seatpost lobby who, threatened by his brilliant invention, clearly squelched it so that their wares would not immediately become obsolete:


("You make that bike and I'll chamfer you from bollocks to bunghole."--Eric "The Chamferer" Murray)

Well sure, a Canadian might have done all that stuff, but David M. Schwartz is an American, goddamn it!*  That's why I wasn't surprised to learn that he was undaunted by these setbacks.  That's also why, after reading his latest press release, I stood erect (as in on my feet, not the other way) and belted out the National Anthem at the top of my lungs.

*[Disclaimer: I have no idea whether or not David M. Schwartz is actually an American.]


Fair Oaks, CA.  D. M. Schwartz, inventor of the flying Rider bicycle, announced today that a limited edition of 100 carbon fiber bikes is under construction at Dynamic Composites in canada.  Each bicycle in this initial series will be signed by the builder, Al Beyer, and each end user will receive a copy of the patent personally dedicated by Schwartz.  Deliveries to dealers who order at the upcoming Las Vegas Interbike show will begin in September.  Retail prices are:

Complete bike, $4,770.  Frame only, no front fork, $2,462.

The design appeals to speed-oriented riders who will take advantage of increased leverage on the pedals, and riders who can't tolerate a bike seat will take advantage of the suspension frame.

I wonder where David M. Schwartz made his actual announcement, though I suspect he issued it from the toilet while gazing into a shaving mirror, because I know that's where I hold all my own "press conferences."  I was also surprised to learn that Mr. Schwartz had found a builder willing to put his name on that thing.  Most of all though, I was surprised to see this:


Yes, that's right, look a little closer and you'll see the Flying Rider model is wearing the greatest cycling cap ever made:


If you dedicate yourself wholly to your craft, day in and day out, year after year, striving for excellence with no thought of compensation or recompense, one day you might just be lucky enough to experience a single fleeting moment of validation, a cosmic tip-of-the-cap that makes it all seem worthwhile.

For me, this is emphatically not that moment--if anything, it makes me think I should quit right now--yet I blog on undaunted.

Meanwhile, speaking of indomitability, some scumbag in Brooklyn stole a bike with a kiddie seat on it:


And the owners of the bike are worried about him:

"The first thing we thought when it was stolen was, we hope the guy riding it around is all right. The brakes are kinda bad."

Okay, the thief is a complete lowlife and nobody deserves to have a bike stolen, but two things:

1) What the fuck happened to Brooklyn that people who live there now actually think this way?  If the guy who steals your bike crashes because the brakes failed, you just won the cosmic lottery!  I mean come on, that's life at its most beautiful!  Flowers blooming, a mother gazing lovingly at her child, and a thief screaming in terror as he speeds into busy intersection on a bike with no brakes.  These are the moments for which we live!

2) Why the hell are you riding your kid around on a bike with shitty brakes!?!

Also:

"It's the third bike we've had stolen from the exact same spot," Herwig says. "We've had two U-locks cut, and now this cable."

Uh, if someone cuts your lock you're supposed to get a stronger one, not the other way around.  Come on, you guys have a kid!  Haven't you ever read The Three Little Pigs?


Then again, this is Brooklyn, so there's probably a new book called the Three Little Artisans where the pigs start with brick but then move on to reclaimed wood and bamboo before finally joining the "small house movement:"


There's also no Big Bad Wolf in the story, because children shouldn't be exposed to the realities of meat-eating until their sophomore year at Bard.

Anyway, I think I'm going to disable the coaster brake on the State Saturday Deluxe and leave it unlocked on top of the steepest hill in the neighborhood:


I'm then going to write a children's book about it.  It will be called: SPLAT!  The Naughty Weasel Who Stole Bikes.

Lastly, speaking of no brakes, there's this:


Good to see there are people trying to keep the dying flame of dumbass fixery alive.

93 comments:

Anonymous said...

Podium!

Bodhi said...

Podium

Anonymous said...

Podium bollocks

BamaPhred said...

Scranus

Anonymous said...

Top 5

GreySpoke said...

podium!

GreySpoke said...

tope 10 anyhow

Schisthead said...

No big bad wolf? Awwww....

BamaPhred said...

Nothing makes your scranus feel like it is doing the tarmac butt-drag quite like being associated with the Flying Rider.

dop said...

scranus unbound


ebypest ing

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...i'm renault 11

BamaPhred said...

SO what's the rent on the Brooklyn "Tiny House"?

Angry Beaver in Mirimichi said...

The folks who had the bike stolen must be the nicest agreaved people on earth. Well, almost. They would get to the top of the list if they would leave milk and a plate of cookies every time they park. The thief appears to cut the cable with something the size of fingernail clippers, was the cable 1/16th of an inch thick?

BamaPhred said...

Watched the fixie video. Now having seizures.

James said...

I want to be on the list for first edition "Naughty Weasel" series books.
Oh, and Chas Christiansen is a douche.

Strange Bike Nice Model said...

The Red Flyer Hat Snob model has a dreamy face.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...man! can't you say anything positive about brooklyn? some of us are (literally stuck there)... for me to leave i'd have to give up custody of my human child.

...it indeed is quite an overcast day.

...btw, many of us have small 'houses' in brooklyn... and not by choice.

Anonymous said...

tiny house movement

Just gave me a new business idea

I will run RatHole Realtors

Ratholes tight as you require

Anonymous said...

At least they used Electric Wizard in that fixie video.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...be careful snob. you run the risk of riding your own state saturday delux after you have disengaged the coaster brake down the hill after you finish your fruit loops waiting for a wannabe thief to bomb the hill.

...man years ago i had developed the habit of releasing the quick release on both brake arms while i hopped into a coffee shop for an artisanal cup of coffee, while leaving the bike unlocked and unattended. i secretly wished that a thief would highjack the bike, i would give chase, and he would slam into a wall or a parked car after realizing he had no brakes...

...that never happened... but once, after finishing my cup of awesomeness, i jumped on the bike and forgot to reposition the quick release on the brakes... i came to a red light... and in vain tried to brake. fortunately for me, i have incredible bikeen skillz and i swerved and went along with traffic at the light.

...yeah, have never done that dumbass maneuver again (i mean releasing the brakes, not the red light bombing).

TheBikeBike said...

That's not a fixie - it appears to be a single speed with a coaster brake. Although it doesn't have fenders like your new Statey, I think it may have just been stolen from the top of a steep hill.
Oh, I get it now - today's post is actually a description of things happening in that video.
Ok, gotcha

BikeSnobNYC said...

Serial Retrogrouch,

...man! can't you say anything positive about brooklyn?

Close proximity to Queens.

You're welcome.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

mile high state said...

1:29 spent watching a douche ride downhill on his fixie only to give up on the uphill?

JB said...

TheBikeBike: I thought that at first too. I think that when you think he is coasting, he is actually skidding. Since skidding on tiny road tires does virtually nothing other than roast the tires.

Watching the fixie vid: How long would it take him to stop if say a car backed out of a drive way while he was going 30-ish mph down a moderate decline? He'd be toast, right?

il Pirata est Mort said...

Chinese Rocks riff revisited. Viva Ramones!

dnk said...

I was exposed to vegetarianism in my sophomore year at Bard.

Anonymous said...

Good to see there are people trying to keep the dying flame of dumbass fixery alive...Oh yes... absolutely.... alive and well on this side of the creek too

SuziScreendoor said...

For the record, if you wrote a children's book I would buy many many many copies.

Anonymous said...

"Hi, is there meat in those?",
- "Yes, those are meatballs".

Cater-waiter friend of mine explaining the cuisine to Park-Slopian / dystopian dysfunctional helicopter moms who are saving the world, one woosie abstinence of a bite of meat at a time.
As we 'real' townie, pre-gentrification* Brooklynites say "I shit you not".

* Being from Bay Ridge (Now Beirut with a store called Bay Root Meats), "we" were never affected by the boom/decline/gentrification phases. Perhaps due to the subway trains R - Rarely and N - Never. I mean, it's downright pastoral here.
Sorry - just more vacation rambling.

I did ride one of the bikes that I do own down to Gateway Marina on Flatbush Ave. On the bike path right by Floyd Bennett Field (now Aviator Sports to the gentrified crowd) was scrawled "No Hipsters Go Home" in red paint.
I think it's a little late for that.

Now that I'm up at the crack of noon, it looks like it might rain, some time. I'll do a less than epic walk to the pizza place for some pizza for breakfast.

Good to see youze guyze, and keep up the good scranus!

. . . no I haven't removed the cardboard insulating the broken rim strip yet. But I'm thinking about it real hard.

vsk . . . maybe I am a robot, and yes, I want to navigate away from this page...



TEB 33 said...

So back to this trunk rack/roof rack issue.
If you almost never drive a car to a ride, what is the point of having a roof rack on the car that you own all the time?
Doesn't it make more sense to only have the rack on the car when you are actually using it and throw it in the trunk when you aren't?

I'll file this with ridiculous residual fredisms like the straps/sunglasses and what kinds of clipless pedals are allowed on what kind of bike...

BikeSnobNYC said...

TEB33,

This may blow your mind, but the roof-mounted bike carrier I now use can be installed and removed in a matter of minutes.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

babble on said...

OMG that was a good one, snobberdoodums. Heh heh... :D

And I'm sorry, but if you can't tolerate a bike saddle, it's prolly time to jump off a bridge or something... figures that it was a dumbass Canadian company that built it. Just figures.

herzogone said...

I anxiously await the "Naughty Weasel" story, as it sounds like a worthy supplement to my current favorite childrens' book Go the F**k to Sleep. Hopefully, you can get Samuel L. Jackson to read yours too...

TEB 33 said...

A trunk mounted bike carrier can be mounted in seconds.

So you actually take the roof mounted rack on and off in the name of being very slightly less dorky? You're right, my mind is blown...

Anonymous said...

Winning the cosmic lottery (or well three numbers worth anyway) would be opening this blog and seeing a recumbabesque version of the flying bike model hanging from that thing in nothing but your hat.

commentatorbot_937 said...

That flying bike guy is blowing serious money.

A bunch of crabon bike frames, booth at big bike show, models, photos, adds up after a while.

That eliptigo thing still happens, why not flying bike? Yes, I know it's ridiculous, but eliptigo users don't seem to think twice.

BikeSnobNYC said...

TEB 33,

Here's the deal:

I like the bikes up on the roof where they're up and out of the way. I can get in and out of the trunk while the bikes are up there. I can put the front wheels up there too if I need the room. I don't have a garage, but I do live in New York City, so ease of parallel parking trumps overhead clearance. In all my many years of using a roof rack I've never forgotten they're up there and driven the bikes into anything. (Sure, there's always a first time, but so far so good.) The CAR THAT THE BANK OWNS UNTIL I FINISH PAYING THEM BACK has a factory roof rack, so it only takes a few tool-free minutes to put the trays up there if I need to drive the bikes somewhere. They're also long and slender so easy to store when I'm not using them, which is a lot of the time.

I hope I've explained myself to your satisfaction.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

BikeSnobNYC said...

TEB 33,

Also, if I was concerned about looking dorky I wouldn't ride a bike at all.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

JLRB said...

ROOF RACK
SMACK DOWN

trama said...

Ha! WCRM, Iv'e got you. I can't put my fully fednerd tooring biek on my roof (my weak arms can't lift it that high) because the fully stainless steel artisinilly hammered fednerd in the front hangs down too far. ergo roof racks are for pretentious biek blogirs and fakirs at large.

Spokey said...

don't see why he couldn't re-market the Flying Rider as a medical device. If you've got hemorrhoids maybe bamacare would pay for it.

Anonymous said...

Babble portaging her Amsterdam, Now THERE'S a bike carrier that can be mounted in seconds.

Anonymous said...

So many things about the Flying Rider I don't understand. How do you adjust for taller riders? How do you put your foot down at a stop? How are those stays not going to flex into the rear wheel? Who's going to pick your teeth up out of the street when that crabon deathtrap explodes? Will someone please be filming when that happens?

MEGA DORK said...

Does the Flying Rider fit on a roof rack?

Spokey said...

better question is how to keep your feet off the ground when coasting as in the video

Spokey said...

if i worried about being a dork, forget the biek. I'll have to shoot myself and fall into a grave pulling the rope releasing the dirt to cover me

Comment deleted said...

I enjoyed the tour of Potrero Hill, but could you please edit the asshole on the fixie out of it?

Flyover BC said...


Oh, the irony. The flying rider model is wearing The Snob's " Seal of Disapproval" like an all- seeing third eye.

And, Chas ain't on a fixie. His pedal cadence varies on the down hills. And yes, you can lock up the coaster brake for a skid. Every seven year old knows how.

erikbeng said...

Chas Don't Climb

Flyover BC said...

Will the crabon roll cage on the flying rider work in a crash, or shatter into thousands of sharp splinters.

Captain Oblivious said...



crabon toothpicks for everyone

Guido the Mafia Bike Mechanic said...

"I think I'm going to disable the coaster brake"

So how is this done? Disconnect the reaction arm from the chain stay? Open the hub and remove the brake shoe?

Maybe the best way is replace the reaction arm bolt with a small stick. So the “The Naughty Weasel” can brake a bit at the top of the hill, but when he has to brake hard at high speed at the bottom of the hill the stick breaks and…

BikeSnobNYC said...

Guido the Mafia Bike Mechanic,

My Schwinn Scrambler had a coaster brake and when I started getting "serious" about BMX the bike shop indeed disabled it for me. I was way too young to understand how.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

1904 Cadardi said...

Wildcat,

I did that on my Stormer MX, following the instructions in BMX magazine. I don't remember how, but it did involve the spring from a Sturmey Archer 3-speed hub.

Anonymous said...

Intuition tells me roof racks are preferable to racks at the rear, but mainly it's a Fredly show-off, isn't it?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...guido mechanic... just sheldon brown it.

dop said...

I've screwed up with trunk mounted & roof racks...I pulled the belts tight on my rhode gear rack & dug bare bolt ends into the trunk lid (hundreds of dollars to repaint 6 week old car) replaced it with a roof rack & moved to burbs 5 years later...tried to drive it into garage, bikes ok, roof crumpled & rear window broken....never had that problem in the city

JLRB said...

Anon @ 3:06 - I use both roof and hitch style racks. There may be a Fredly show off element to the roof rack, but one advantage is if you have a douche-ish bike with pretty paint (like my uber-douchie red white and blue titanium Colnago) the paint doesn't get rubbed off on the roof rack like it can on the traditional rear rack, not to mention multiple bikes banging into each other if you transport the whole famdamily's bieks together on the rear rack.

Gringo said...

Guido mechanic: I did the same thing when I was about 12 years old... all you have to do is loosen the hub until the little brake shoes fall out the side, then tighten everything back up and BINGO - no more pedal brakes, and you can pedal backwards.

On another note, these FB groups make fixies look like the Honda Civics for the post-Fast and Furious generation:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/244863329005063/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/chicagobikesellers/

Pista-dex my ass - now it's the Aventon/Purefix/Retrospec/6KU/Throne Index. And it's unrealistically low because all these bikes are stolen.

BamaPhred said...

Aunt Edna sez roof racks are ok, but only when "Honky Lips" is spray painted on the side of the Family Truckster

Roille Figners said...

First I ate meat, then I didn't, then I did. California tumbles into the sea, that'll be the day I go back to Annandale.

Those Brooklyn bike theft victims obviously don't REALLY think like that, they're just being passive-aggressive as usual. "Oh I hope you don't get sick from eating my lunch that you stole from the fridge at work," that type of thing.

"Chas" can't even get up the hill. Woosie. And notice how much time he spends looking tiny in the distance because he can't even keep up with his cameraman!

GETG EARS

Stuart Rasmussen said...

This bike thief didn't ride the bike away; may have walked it to a nearby van. But i like to think most bike thieves are motorists....

Drock said...

those not riding fixed are riding broken. down the middle

TEB 33 said...

Since I no longer care about impressing anyone (and I don't have any bikes that would impress anyone) I just dig the rack out of the trunk, stick it on the back and go. No worries about scratches on the bike or the car, life's too short for that.

I probably take it on/off 5 times a week between various weird commutes with and without kid. Trunk rack works beautifully...

Or maybe my bikes are so scratched and shitty I just want to keep them low and out of sight...

ScienceBOT9000 said...

”Will the crabon roll cage on the flying rider work in a crash, or shatter into thousands of sharp splinters.”
”crabon toothpicks for everyone”

I’m thinking toothpicks, no matter how sharp, will be less bad then a frame that does not break. Imagine a crash where the frame is trying to twist one way and you body is twisting another way.

And imagine trying to avoid the crash in the first place, making an emergency steering maneuver with your body swinging from the suspension truss…

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Serial Retrogrouch --

My dog has been cranky ever since Mr. BSNYC decamped Brooklyn for the mainland.

I asked if he was upset, having lost bragging rights to living in the same borough as a celebrity bike blogger.

Turns out my dog was just peeved because business has been slow at the roadside stand in Prospect Park where he sells BSNYC themed "One Less Carp" bike decals.

I didn't even know Mr. BSNYC had a koi pond.

McFly said...

All I'm seeing is a portable sex sling for a dominatrix on the go.

Chas Tisement said...

Wildcat. Your disabled Scrambler was just a foreshadowing representation of your present mental condition. Not to worry though, we still love you as you are.

Perry Mason said...

I thought a 'flying rider' was something that was attached to a legal document.

Perry Mason said...

I always wanted to be a sit down comic.

Herschel Raney said...

Honestly, that video is so dumbass it is confusing.

It is 9/11/2001 anniversary so I feel obliged to nod my head in the NYC direction. I still remember dropping my daughter off and then watching the TV coverage all day from way out here in safe land and being nauseated. Just fucking nauseated all day about the firefighters, let alone everyone else.

I will now become obsessed with looking for the Walz BSNYC cap everywhere in photos. This could ruin my net surfing. Or porn watching. Or both.

Ze french cheeze said...

" If the guy who steals your bike crashes because the brakes failed, you just won the cosmic lottery!"

Yes! Oh yes! A million times fucking YES !

Anonymous said...

Jesus, that bike thief looked like my dad!

Fucked Over Middle Class Dad said...

Anonymous. That's ok son, just trying to pay for your tuition.

Edith Wharton said...

"Anonymous. That's ok son, just trying to pay for your tuition."

Do you have good life insurance? Steal the Snob's bait bike and you kid(s) could be swimming is tuition.

Unless you do the Ethan Frome thing.

Peter G said...

Why do we need bike shortz on the flying rider? Do I stll need s shammy if I choose to wear lycra shortz?

Anonymous said...

Peter g - so you can show off your Peter

Edith Wharton said...

Harsh? Damn straight I'm harsh. I'm a Victorian rich bitch; we practically invented harshness.

Holy Roller said...

Why is there no giving glory to the Lord yet in this post? Let me remind you sinners that the righteous patriarch Lot had to take in a quantity of wine and have relations with his daughters so as to continue the lineage that would give us Baby Jesus, the same Baby Jesus that warns me that my roof racked bikes won't make it through the drive-thru burger barn without Biblical conflagration. Amen.

ce said...

Peter G, you would wear a Lycra cummerbund complete with chamois lining under the waist belt harness. The scranus becomes redundant, soon to become a mysterious vestigial component of the Fred's anatomy.

Anonymous said...

Something else I just thought of. It would have been easy to build a "seat tube" connecting the downtube to the stay truss in the rear, and also protecting your scranus for the inevitable day that your rolling crabon bondage swing breaks. But as it stands now, there's a good chance that when that happens, especially if you're travelling anywhere close to woo-hoo-hoo speed, that rear wheel is gonna tear through your shorts like a table saw, before jamming your junk in between the tire and bottom bracket (call it a KuKu basement).

Again, these are are features I'm glad it has, from the perspective of someone who would never ride it and who delights in the physical suffering of others. Just sayin'.

ce said...

Chamois cummerbund is recommended, pants are optional.

dop said...

I sat in my office & watched the towers burn....then sat in our er waiting for the wounded that never came. With a hundred stories, they either got out or died...the evacuation of 20,000 from the towers was a miracle (and thank you st vinnies for taking care of all who made it)

ce said...

16 years ago while using a trunk rack I managed to drag the rim of a wheel down the highway and ground a flat spot on the lip. After removing the aluminium burrs with a file it looked good enough and I continued to use it for years. The wheel is gathering dust in the garage now, still on the same bike, awaiting a thief to steal it, before finally fatiguing to the point of catastrophic failure.

Fred of the Sea said...

Same here dop. We don't have an ER at my government research facility, but we were all waiting in line to give at the blood bank and thinking Pentagon casualties would overwhelm the system. Zilch, nada, but boy did it change my life for a few years.

McFly said...

Hat model......hmmmmm......face is a bit angular, harsh....manish even. Nice body though. PUT HER IN THE DING-A-LING SLING.

Joseph Smith said...

The flying rider without wheels is just a transportable sex swing. He and recumbabe would gladly reenact Lot and Hist Lovely Daughters -- The Musical.

I use a hitch mount with trays once my roof rack is full. This is the problem with 12 kids (coming for you Snob!) the 64" Yakima bars on my 2001 Subaru (With tennis balls on the ends I don't want any eye-patch kids, they're already latch-key) can only support 8 of the bikes, thank Lob for Crabon! and then the other four are in my fold down hitch tray bike carrier.

It makes it hard to parallel park whenever I have the bikes on and my wives screaming at me.

Does anyone else find it funny that a polygamist society's university has the mascot of Cougars?

You're welcome for my post.

Shrambo said...

Snobbie: you have to see this:
206
http://www.gislounge.com/create-mental-maps-mindrider-helmets/

Anonymous said...

Eyebrows totally drew the attention away from the cap. Jesus, I hope she trims her snatch with a little more attention then she spends on her brows....

Canada with a capital C said...

Late to the party, but a quick note to babble on (1:08), that dumbass company says "thank you" for your manufacturing business, and wants to know how the unemployment thing going for you?
Sincerely, Canada.

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