Yes, it's French Fourth of July, and a Frenchman is wearing the maillot jaune, but probably won't be by the time you read this:
Gallopin has no delusions of grandeur, though, and doesn’t expect to keep the yellow jersey.
I can't believe they haven't won a Tour since that Badger guy.
Alas, this is all I know about what's going on at the Tour de France at the moment--well, that and THE BIG THING THAT JUST HAPPENED THAT I WON'T SPOIL BECAUSE SPOILERS GET FRED'S CHAMOIS ALL IN A TWIST. I wouldn't mind following the race more closely (or at all), but when you've got seventeen (17) children like I do and you're using them as slave labor for your thriving landscaping business (Lawn Snob NYC, proudly serving the tri-state area since five minutes ago), you have two choices when it comes to your free time:
1) Ride your bike;
B) Watch other people ride their bikes.
I, of course, have been choosing option III, which is "Go to the beach and take a nap." (I took a five minute nap at the beach yesterday and it was the greatest thing that's happened to me this year so far. Well worth the crippling sunburn I'm now experiencing.)
By the way, Lawn Snob NYC is the only bicycle-powered landscaping business outside of Portland, OR. Not only is our landscaping "truck" a Big Dummy, but we also use human-powered lawnmowers:
Lawn Snob NYC is proudly sponsored by Park Tool, and we even do all of our hedge-trimming and lawn-edging with with a cable cutter:
It takes us roughly 72 hours per square yard with the full team of child laborers working around the clock (there's nothing better than toddler hands for those hard-to-reach spaces), and we'll charge you $20,000 and up per visit for our hand-curated artisanal labor depending on lot size, but the results are worth it:
(Another yard by Lawn Snob NYC.)
Before you judge, be aware the above is the "distressed" option which is extremely fashionable among people who have recently decamped Brooklyn for the suburbs. That starts at $30,000, not including costs for rusted automobile carcasses on blocks, broken children's toys, weathered nativity scenes, or any other type of decorative lawn furnishings.
Speaking of pro cycling, do you miss Rock Racing?
(Did I dream that whole Rock Racing thing? Really, what the fuck was that?)
Sure you don't. Nevertheless, thanks to the Starter of Kicks, you may soon be able to purchase cycling clothing that appeals to the same aesthetic sensibility:
Specifically, their team of incredibly cheesy fabric scientists have figured out how to make a Fred suit that looks like denim:
(Finally, a moisture-wicking Canadian tuxedo!)
Which, when combined with the Affliction-style graphics, will let everybody know you live in a house with a distressed yard and unwind by watching mixed martial arts:
Not only that, but you can finally stop paying top dollar on eBay for those vintage Pantani replica shorts:
(Virtual fly is pre-bulged for your convenience.)
Speaking of the Kicking Starter, it had to happen, didn't it?
I have two small suggestions for the inventor by way of refining this contraption, and they are as follows:
1) Add a pair of footrests somewhere on the frame for when the rider is in "gliding" mode;
2) Once you've done that, abandon this absurd idea forever and take back your life!!!
Other than that, I think it's perfect.
Lastly, if you're of the white colorway and you're of the boyish genderway, here is some cycling advice for you that may or may not have been written by Courtland Milloy:
White Boys on Bikes - w4m
To all the self-entitled white boys on bikes in NYC-
Ok, so you're badass because you ride a bike and you have your own special lane on most streets in the fancy parts of BK and most of Manhattan. You are immune to being hit by cars and pedestrians and if a car/van/truck is performing a traffic maneuver not to your liking you freely and gratuitously flip up your middle finger (thereby supporting your crassness and asshole-ism) or else you hit the car and/or seek to damage the offending vehicle.
Please remember you and your bicycle are, statistically, less than 1% of the vehicles using the city streets. You aren't special or badass because you ride a bike. Perhaps you are tight because you can't afford a car or don't know how to use public transportation. Take an example from the many, many deliverymen who ride bikes in the city as their means of livelihood. They ride their bicycles with respect and purpose. Observe these people and let them set the standard for proper street etiquette when navigating a vehicle on these city streets which are unarguably dangerous for bicycles. Don't be a dick and don't think you're better than a car because you're some sort of stereotypical badass. you won't kill the car or driver, but they can easily hurt you. Badly.
Everything else aside, this was by far the funniest thing I've read in a long, long time:
Take an example from the many, many deliverymen who ride bikes in the city as their means of livelihood. They ride their bicycles with respect and purpose. Observe these people and let them set the standard for proper street etiquette when navigating a vehicle on these city streets...
Now fire up those electric-assist bicycles and ride them on the sidewalk at 25mph.