Monday, July 14, 2014

Say Lah Cat-Oars Julie-A!

Happy Bastille Day!



Yes, it's French Fourth of July, and a Frenchman is wearing the maillot jaune, but probably won't be by the time you read this:

"Gallopin'" Gallopin did indeed have yellow on his mind--not because he envisioned himself in the race lead, but because he had to go pee-pee really, really bad the whole time.  This is because he's got the sort of killer instinct for which the French are famous:

Gallopin has no delusions of grandeur, though, and doesn’t expect to keep the yellow jersey.

I can't believe they haven't won a Tour since that Badger guy.

Alas, this is all I know about what's going on at the Tour de France at the moment--well, that and THE BIG THING THAT JUST HAPPENED THAT I WON'T SPOIL BECAUSE SPOILERS GET FRED'S CHAMOIS ALL IN A TWIST.  I wouldn't mind following the race more closely (or at all), but when you've got seventeen (17) children like I do and you're using them as slave labor for your thriving landscaping business (Lawn Snob NYC, proudly serving the tri-state area since five minutes ago), you have two choices when it comes to your free time:

1) Ride your bike;

or

B) Watch other people ride their bikes.

I, of course, have been choosing option III, which is "Go to the beach and take a nap."  (I took a five minute nap at the beach yesterday and it was the greatest thing that's happened to me this year so far.  Well worth the crippling sunburn I'm now experiencing.)

By the way, Lawn Snob NYC is the only bicycle-powered landscaping business outside of Portland, OR.  Not only is our landscaping "truck" a Big Dummy, but we also use human-powered lawnmowers:


Lawn Snob NYC is proudly sponsored by Park Tool, and we even do all of our hedge-trimming and lawn-edging with with a cable cutter:


It takes us roughly 72 hours per square yard with the full team of child laborers working around the clock (there's nothing better than toddler hands for those hard-to-reach spaces), and we'll charge you $20,000 and up per visit for our hand-curated artisanal labor depending on lot size, but the results are worth it:


(Another yard by Lawn Snob NYC.)

Before you judge, be aware the above is the "distressed" option which is extremely fashionable among people who have recently decamped Brooklyn for the suburbs.  That starts at $30,000, not including costs for rusted automobile carcasses on blocks, broken children's toys, weathered nativity scenes, or any other type of decorative lawn furnishings.

Speaking of pro cycling, do you miss Rock Racing?


(Did I dream that whole Rock Racing thing?  Really, what the fuck was that?)

Sure you don't.  Nevertheless, thanks to the Starter of Kicks, you may soon be able to purchase cycling clothing that appeals to the same aesthetic sensibility:



Specifically, their team of incredibly cheesy fabric scientists have figured out how to make a Fred suit that looks like denim:


(Finally, a moisture-wicking Canadian tuxedo!)

Which, when combined with the Affliction-style graphics, will let everybody know you live in a house with a distressed yard and unwind by watching mixed martial arts:


Not only that, but you can finally stop paying top dollar on eBay for those vintage Pantani replica shorts:


(Virtual fly is pre-bulged for your convenience.)

Speaking of the Kicking Starter, it had to happen, didn't it?



I have two small suggestions for the inventor by way of refining this contraption, and they are as follows:

1) Add a pair of footrests somewhere on the frame for when the rider is in "gliding" mode;
2) Once you've done that, abandon this absurd idea forever and take back your life!!!

Other than that, I think it's perfect.

Lastly, if you're of the white colorway and you're of the boyish genderway, here is some cycling advice for you that may or may not have been written by Courtland Milloy:


White Boys on Bikes - w4m
To all the self-entitled white boys on bikes in NYC-
Ok, so you're badass because you ride a bike and you have your own special lane on most streets in the fancy parts of BK and most of Manhattan. You are immune to being hit by cars and pedestrians and if a car/van/truck is performing a traffic maneuver not to your liking you freely and gratuitously flip up your middle finger (thereby supporting your crassness and asshole-ism) or else you hit the car and/or seek to damage the offending vehicle. 
Please remember you and your bicycle are, statistically, less than 1% of the vehicles using the city streets. You aren't special or badass because you ride a bike. Perhaps you are tight because you can't afford a car or don't know how to use public transportation. Take an example from the many, many deliverymen who ride bikes in the city as their means of livelihood. They ride their bicycles with respect and purpose. Observe these people and let them set the standard for proper street etiquette when navigating a vehicle on these city streets which are unarguably dangerous for bicycles. Don't be a dick and don't think you're better than a car because you're some sort of stereotypical badass. you won't kill the car or driver, but they can easily hurt you. Badly.

Everything else aside, this was by far the funniest thing I've read in a long, long time:

Take an example from the many, many deliverymen who ride bikes in the city as their means of livelihood. They ride their bicycles with respect and purpose. Observe these people and let them set the standard for proper street etiquette when navigating a vehicle on these city streets...

Got that?

Good.

Now fire up those electric-assist bicycles and ride them on the sidewalk at 25mph.

80 comments:

Anonymous said...

podium?

Anonymous said...

Yikes!

Anonymous said...

TOUR BORE

Anonymous said...

Turbo?

Anonymous said...

bananas in pyjamas are coming down the stairs

GreySpoke said...

Top Ten

Anonymous said...

Deutschland ist Weltmeister!!!!

PBJoe said...

David Clinger. Shocking that a man who makes such wise decisions as face tattoos gets caught dopign while serving a suspension for doping.

JB said...

Who said what now?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...je suis dix!

JB said...

Please remember you and your bicycle are, statistically, less than 1% of the vehicles using the city streets. You aren't special or badass because you ride a bike.

I don't think special means what you think it means.

RoadQueen said...

Top Twenty

Blog Drafter said...

Really...

"Before you judge, be aware the above is the "distressed" option which is extremely fashionable among people who have recently decamped Brooklyn for the suburbs. That starts at $30,000, not including costs for rusted automobile carcasses on blocks, broken children's toys, weathered nativity scenes, or any other type of decorative lawn furnishings."

Chapeau Snob, Chapeau. Once again I'm left to explain to coworkers what all the giggling is about.

Stuart Rasmussen said...

Actually being part of the 1% is sort of special/different/non-conformist/eccentric/courageous ("badass")...though given the fact that there has never been a U.S. fatality on a bike-share bike, and only 3 reported injuries on Nice Ride in 5 years and zero reported injuries on a B-Cycle in Madison, biking isn't really all that dangerous.....

"Please remember you and your bicycle are, statistically, less than 1% of the vehicles using the city streets. You aren't special or badass because you ride a bike"

Bama Phred said...

Anybody need some old tractor tires for your landscaping curation pleasure? In other news, Contador joins Froome and Cavendish on the crashed out of tour list.

Roille Figners said...

I didn't know Burger King had a bike lane! I guess it's in the fancy part? Never been to that part, but I bet it's awesome...

Anonymous said...

Contador crashes out due to crabon bike being insufficiently vertically stiff (level of lateral compliance not known).

Roille Figners said...

PS: FUDGIE THE WHALE

theEel said...

weed.

Anonymous said...

I've yet to watch the 1997 tour, can you please avoid publishing any spoilers? Thanks.

DB said...

I'm with Bama on the tractor tires as lawn decoration. And don't forget the Virgin Mary mini-grottos.

RoadQueen said...

I think tractor tires painted and used as raised flower beds are cute.*

Fun Fact: DID YOU KNOW that a pair of pedestrians can not trip the drive-thru speaker switch at the Taco Bell speaker...but two cyclists on their beiks will?

It was delicious. Shouldda seen those kids faces when instead of a car, a couple of cyclists was staring at them at the pay window. Priceless. (and 'special', and 'bad-ass')

(* I'm too lazy when it comes to landscaping to do any such thing.)

Anonymous said...

I hate cars because i spent all weekend working on one.

crosspalms said...

Cat-oars. Been reading "The Owl and the Pussycat"?

Stuart Rasmussen said...

The fact that most of the ludicrous kickstarter projects you appropriately ridicule don't get funded makes me happy, especially the "flying bike". On the other hand the 3 bike bell projects which have been recently successfully funded to the tune of ~$20,000 to >$300,000 are kind of depressing. Yes, bike bells are useful i suppose, but i thought that was a solved problem.....

Anonymous said...

"They ride their bicycles with respect"

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa.......ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha..lololololoolollllll.......ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha....ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha....

wtf have you ever even been to Manhattan? jackass.

leroy said...

My dog assures me that Craigslist missed connection advice doesn't apply to us because we're not white boys.

He says he doesn't qualify due to species and I don't qualify due to age.

I wish he'd stop calling me pale face though.

Why is it that folks who want to give you unsolicited advice never seem to have your best interests at heart?

Kenny Banya said...

"...moisture wicking Canadian tuxedo"

Bien Snobby, BIEN!

Anonymous said...

oy don't think there 'oars, I think they're sisters

Roille Figners said...

It's true what they say: "douche" knows no colorway(*)



(*)colourway

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...this whole time the occupy wall street movement was protesting against us 1%ers??? no one the NYPD loves us so much!

Buffalo Bill said...

Sidewalk moto-x baby!
A thrill a minute, and hot dumplings too.

Anonymous said...

Badass !!
Bring on the lightning and thunderway!

Me and my cracked wheelbrows are ready... as long as we don't ride over anything made of metal.

vsk

Stereotypical Badass said...

Love the roll cage sling bike thing, I can't think of something less comfortable than being suspended by a corset, how could you breathe?

Regular guy said...

Here is Lawnsnob "supervising" his spawn as they install a bathtub Mary grotto.

Spokey said...

I am depressed by today's post

I am laughing my ass of at today's post.


I am depressed by today's post

I am laughing my ass of at today's post.


I am depressed by today's post

I am laughing my ass of at today's post.


I am depressed by today's post

I am laughing my ass of at today's post.


I am depressed by today's post

I am laughing my ass of at today's post.


I am depressed by today's post

I am laughing my ass of at today's post.




Did I make the top 5516?

Spokey said...

would have fixed that "of" to "off" but in the depressed cycle

mikeweb said...

Don't forget the Luca Paolini iPhone-gate scandal.

CommieCanuck said...

Take an example from the many, many deliverymen who ride bikes in the city as their means of livelihood. They ride their bicycles with respect and purpose. Observe these people and let them set the standard for proper street etiquette when navigating a vehicle on these city streets...

Weed wednesday already?

Wilee: I like to ride. Fixed gear. No brakes. Can't stop. Don't want to, either.

Vanessa: What kind of bike messenger are you?

Wilee: The kind with a Masters in Bullshit and Obfuscation.

(still more value than a MFA)

JLRB said...

terrorist, bully; Not badass, not special

Iden tity
Cri sis

CommieCanuck said...

Bien Snobby, BIEN!

I think you mean,
"Or Snobby, Or!"

CommieCanuck said...

Snobby Or was my favorite Bruin.

Bama Phred said...

Best headline of LeTour not yet published:

Wait for it:


Contador pulls out, Nibali relieved

"Rimshot"

JLRB said...

So the one thing the Craiglistdiot wrote is the true root of the problem

"you have your own special lane"

What causes war? Resources. People who drive are mad because beiks are taking part of the street for their own "special lane" even though beiks are not special*


*not special is a term reserved for use by the Specialized Biek Company

Anonymous said...

I read Ted King abandoned the Tour DE France.. Now THAT sucks...

Anonymous said...

Although not a Kickstarter related to cycling, the still-in-progress "Potato Salad" Kickstarter makes one wonder if assessing the substance of a Kickstarter is worth bothering with.
Now up to $49,845 for a person to make potato salad (that you don't get to eat)

Bama Phred said...

Looks like LawnSnob is in the business of curating the "before" yards of such shows as YardCrashers, etc

Dooth said...

Wildcat, Orchard Beach?

JLRB said...

"rusted automobile carcasses on blocks, broken children's toys, weathered nativity scenes, or any other type of decorative lawn furnishings"

How much if I want to add Gazing Ball Swans and Pink Flamingos ??? Or maybe Pink Flamingo being eaten by yard gnomes?

dancesonpedals said...

The laughs keep coming at WOO HOO speed

McFly said...

Joyeux Jour de la Bastille Mon Ami!

(Not sure what's happy about it because it was pretty bloody from what I heard)

P. Bateman said...

yo, i got cookie pusses number right here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DOMxm0o12c

Anonymous said...

Is the lawn care business a subsidiary of Snob Corp. Will you be spinning off that division in the near future?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Late to posting today. Once I got done watching other people ride bikes on tv I went out on my own fred sled. It was nice.

Cuter Commuter said...

The lawn is so desert chic - I love it!!

Roille Figners said...

Come to think of it, my last nap was the greatest thing all year too. And the ensuing wake-up by THE WIFE was like a Crime Against Humanity.

Roille Figners said...

Nobody going to do this?

The King of Park Slope said...

Badger? I don't need no stinkin' badger.

dancesonpedals said...

mois ture
wick king

Dave said...

The more I know about the Bourbons, the happier I am that they got their richly deserved comeuppance. You kind of have to wonder if there will be a Mega-Bastille Day for America down the road a bit, and will I find my head rolling in the ditch, even though I'm nowhere near being a one percenter. Oh well- so it goes.

JLRB said...

Dave - Get it right - its ...head rolling inadeeetch

Spokey said...

Dave

Although many of the upper crust were killed, the French Revolution also did in many of the common folk. The churches were decimated, many simple priests were killed etc. It was hardly a revolt for liberty. The estimated 40,000 killed is less than 1% of the 25 million or so of the population. But yeah if you disagreed with Robespierre you head had a good chance of rolling. At least until his head rolled too.

The French can celebrate it all they want. For me, one of the lower points in human history.

Roille Figners said...

The Upper Crust -- "Friend of a friend of the working class"

JLRB said...

Robespierre takes the heat for the Terror, but he is credited with saying something a recent president should have listened to:

"No one welcomes armed liberators."

Regular guy said...

I miss Rock Racing, that was a golden age. Being a former employee of one of those involved, I especially liked this post.

Funny

DB said...

Midwestern favorite this week, trapping chipmunks. Got 7 already. Knuckle Tattoo: CHIP MUNK..

Dave said...

Spokey

Unfortunately the French Revolution was nothing unusual in human history; revolutions are just one phase of the cycle, come in many flavors, but ordinarily involve a lot of suffering. From Polybius to Joseph Tainter we try to understand these large but depressingly repetitive patterns. I'd like to think that the cycle is really a rising spiral, but evidence for that is not at at all clear.

Perhaps the more important question facing us is: should a chipmunk be released back into the wild, or slow-roasted on a tiny little spit?

Spokey said...

no idea

are they gamey? Bony? Does a chipmunk tastes like chicken?

ken e. said...

if i was super clever, i'd entendre that bad boy...

"chicken"

ken e. said...

...couldn't say though really.

Fake Mike Synyard said...

Dear Mr Snob:

It has been brought to my attention that you thought about making a comment that the Specialized (R) S-Works (R) bicycle, which Specialized have generously allowed Alberto Contador to ride, may be in some way less than the "greatest bike ever made" TM. I note that while you wisely decided not publish that thought under the dubious pretext of not wanting to be a spoiler, like that is even a thing, I have been assured by our legal department that it’s the thought that counts.

We appreciate your undying respect for our bikes, and trust that your thoughts were merely an unfortunate reliance upon initial accounts which are incorrect and not intended to damage Specialized's reputation as the manufacturer of the "greatest bike ever made" TM.

However, please be aware that Specialized has developed considerable goodwill within the bicycle industry through the manufacture of bikes that are magnificent and perfect in every way. In order to maintain our reputation and our valuable intellectual property, it is our obligation to prevent anybody from suggesting that our bikes are anything less than perfect for every occasion.*

Your thought that Specialized bikes may be less than perfect is likely to cause confusion and mistake concerning our reputation. Consequently. such comments are a violation of Specialized's rights under both U.S, and state law.

We therefore request that you immediately purge any negative thoughts and post a blog containing glowing assertions that Specialized is the manufacturer of the "greatest bike ever made" TM. Please post this blog within twenty four (24) hours to confirm your agreement with this request. Alternatively a tattoo acknowledging the superiority of the Specialized brand will also acceptable, provided it is on a prominent place and you are an approved owner of a superior quality Specialized bicycle. It appears unlikely that you will be approved for purchase of any of our magnificent S-Works (R) range and that a Specialized Allez (R) is more suited to your abilities.

Failing your agreement, Specialized reserves its rights to commence spurious proceedings without further notice to you.

Sincerely

Fake Mike Synyard


* every occasion does not include every occasion and in particular excludes any occasion when the bike is mounted on a car roof and your warranty explicitly excludes damage caused on such occasions

Fake Snobbie said...

Hey Mike Barnyard

suck my hairy scranus

Anonymous said...

otta get me some of them Jethro bib shorts fer doin m' chores, think the fellers'd like 'em.

David Pearce said...

Guess what??!! I bought a Woo-hoo hat and a book! It will be coming my way in a few days, just as soon as Courtland MIlloy is done hitting upside the head and face with a bag full of his oranges!!

P.S. The detectives still haven't found me, even though I'm still mad.

And even though I'm still watching them.

TBC.....

Bama Phred said...

Chipmunk? Keith Maddox says they are best skewered whole and grilled, after being properly prepped, naturally.

The French said...

Ricky Bobby: Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?

Jean Girard: We invented democracy, existentialism, and the Ménage à Trois.

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Those are three pretty good things.

Ricky Bobby: Hey!

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Well that last one's pretty cool.

Bing Crosby said...

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire ....

Dingbat said...

Your french pronunciation sucks. It's "Jewy-A," not "Julie-A." Eh?

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