Monday, July 7, 2014

It's Raining Bikes!

Hi!  How are you?  [Insert answer here.]  Did you enjoy your holiday weekend?  [Insert answer here.]  I certainly enjoyed mine.  [Insert how happy this makes you here.]  In fact, I was so busy enjoying myself I didn't watch a single pedal stroke of the Tour de France, even though I understand it's been packed with all manner of rock-'em, sock-'em action.  The only thing I've seen so far is this Jaguar commercial thinly veiled as some sort of momentous human accomplishment:



Hmmm, which of these things is not like the other?

1522: Ferdinand Magellan Circumnavigates The Globe

1969: Neil Armstrong First Sets Foot On the Moon

2014: Chris Froome Rides Through A Tunnel For An Hour

Obviously the correct answer is the third thing, unless you believe the moon walk was faked, in which case I suppose I'd have to accept the second thing as well.  So I guess it's really the first thing that's not like the others.

Never mind.

Meanwhile, commenter Leroy alerted me to this New York Times profile of "11 Artists Who Really, Really Love Their Bicycles:"


See, the thing about artists is that they have much more profound relationships with their bicycles than you or I do, which is what makes them better cyclists and better people.  Take Frank Benson, for example, who appears to be a cross between a garden variety Fred and Dieter from "Sprockets:"


Frank Benson: “The rise of the urban cycling movement may not be enough to save the world from ecological collapse, but there is an asceticism to the lifestyle that is refreshing in this time of rampant excess. As a sculptor, I have a deep appreciation for the forms and materials developed to create bicycles of ever-greater speed and efficiency. The design of the new N.Y.C. bike rack, by Ian Mahaffy and Maarten de Greeve — which I used in my piece for the exhibit — clearly speaks to that aesthetic and deftly advertises its purpose while adding an appealing sculptural element to the street.”

Really, the urban cycling movement isn't going to save the planet?  This is terribly disappointing, because I thought sunburned 20-somethings in tank tops and jean shorts riding from Brooklyn to Fort Tilden was going to bring back the polar ice caps.  Also, if he has such a "deep appreciation for the forms and materials developed to create bicycles of ever-greater speed and efficiency," then what's his excuse for that Schwinn?

And how about Kyle MacLachlan circa "Sex And The City" here?

Tim Barber: “My favorite perspective of N.Y.C. is from a fast-moving bike. Its like an insane flying video game of chaos. It’s good to fear for your life sometimes, makes you feel alive!”

Oy.  Even Lucas Brunelle just got "douche chills."  You know, if the flat bars on your Bianchi were a mere five centimeters wider the handling on your bike would be considerably more confidence-inspiring and you wouldn't fear for your life so much--though you'd still get to savor the exhilarating risk of getting your blazer caught in the door of a Range Rover.

This one's just ironic:


Graham Macbeth: “After road biking for a couple of years I decided to try a race. Riding for the first time in the midst of dozens of riders in Prospect Park was a completely unique, completely engaging sensation. It’s like being in a strange school of fish."

Wow.  "Completely unique?"  A Cat 5 race in Prospect Park is the very rolling embodiment of conformity.  It makes happy hour at a bar in Murray Hill seem like living off the grid somewhere in Alaska.  Only an artist could be so profoundly out of it that he would mistake being a total Fred for being an iconoclast.

Here's a sentiment it's difficult to argue with:


Julia Chiang: “Biking in New York is one of the best feelings. Everywhere is so crowded and then you get going on your bike and you’re kind of alone even though there’s traffic everywhere. You get to just focus on your senses — try to see things before they happen, hear things before it’s too late — so everything else kind of disappears. It’s also just a super fun fast way to get around!”

Though she forgot to add that it's a great way to air out your crotch.

And then there's this brainiac:


Andrew Guenther: “I didn’t intend to sacrifice my own bicycle in planning the painting for this show. I wanted to use a found bicycle that matched my riding style and size and I spent a great deal of time searching for the perfect bike. It happened to be the one closest to me. I called a list of auto wreckers and scrap metal facilities to assist in smashing the bicycle. All of them were reluctant to help with the project so it was pretty easy to turn all that frustration into crushing power. I got my hands on a bench vise to flatten most of the tubing and frame.”

Wow, you broke a bike, good for you.  You should have saved yourself some time and gotten a bike made from crabon fiber, you could have destroyed it in 15 minutes using nothing but a salad fork.

As usual though, the worst thing about this story is the New York Times commenters:

Robin Manhattan
About half of these artists don't wear helmets...is that just the case because they're posing for pics, or do they never wear them? No helmet = goodbye, artist!
July 5, 2014 at 8:53 p.m.

Dear Robin,

You're a fucking idiot.

Love,

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Meanwhile, in other New York City news, four police were injured by a flying Barbie bike:


Four NYPD cops were walloped by a child’s Barbie bike that was tossed at them from a fifth-floor balcony in Brooklyn while they were busting a gunman early Sunday, officials said.

The attack raised fears of a new wave of anti-cop violence — with a police-union president blaming the assault on Mayor de Blasio and his crackdown on stop-and-frisk.

It's true.  Stop-and-frisk really cut down on the number of people walking around with concealed Barbie bikes.  Are you happy now, de Blasio?!?  What happens when they start throwing fat bikes from Walmart?


Let that lie heavy on your conscience, Mister Mayor--as heavy as a big-box store child's bike, which last time I checked was about 85lbs.

I give it a week before they manage to use this bike-hurling incident as an excuse to tear out all the bike lanes.

And in news of innovation, Janosz Poha from "Ghostbusters II" has invented the mountain bike of the future:

Just listen to the robotic narrator for a few minutes and then skip to 6:15 in the video when the inventor starts talking.

I hope the bicycle shifts a lot more smoothly than that.

121 comments:

Anonymous said...

BAM!

bONG&bEARDbOT9000 said...

wHAT?

dnk said...

Kevin Phillips Bong!

babble on said...

Gidday!

It's raining bikes?!?

Hallelujah!

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Nothing to see here.

Morning Machine Fred said...

Top Ten!! Whoo hoo!

Anonymous said...

"Sealed from contamination and permanently lubricated." Great idea.

streepo said...

scranus

Vernal Magina said...

That really is an unfortunate if in appropriate picture of sun-dress crotch girl. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining; but, really, for the paper of record... wtf.)

Marcel Da Chump said...

It's raining bikes!
Hallelujah!

dnk said...

That police union guy is totally right. The cops in my neighborhood used to throw people up against the wall left and right confiscating the Barbie Bikes.

That was before that liberal sack of fish Bill de Blasio banned the stop & frisk.

Now you can't walk down the goddamn street without somebody throwing a Barbie Bike at you.

Sheesh.

JLRB said...

Go air your crotch (sipping coffee)

Anonymous said...

No one said the police were weapons experts. Pink is a very aggressive color. Who knows what damage that Barbie bike could have inflicted?

mr. wookie said...

Andrew Guenther is a poor craftsman

http://tinyurl.com/scranus

babble on said...

We may not have a Chunnel, but here in Vancouver, we have our own train issues. That's why you'll find I'm Fit to be tied, and Railing on over the Arbutus corridor.

JLRB said...

Snob you forgot - How was your holiday? [Insert cliche about it being too short]

Anonymous said...

If only you'd been watching the Tour, you'd have seen Ram┼źnas Navardauskas stealing an iPhone from an annoying spectator: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbg69ynGEUc&feature=youtu.be

gE said...

Okay, didn't read the article, but I'm pretty sure if David Byrne was on this list, you would have said so.

Why isn't he on this list?

a) doesn't love his bike
b) doesn't want to be associated with common artists
c) finally followed through on threat to leave NYC

And seriously, I don't even have a use for a bong and I want that t-shirt.

JB said...

Snob,

Can you kindly use the pic of the shirtless Barbie-bike thrower for more things (e.g., recumbabe and nonplussed bib shorts guy?

Regards, JB

Comment deleted said...

Police logic at its best: one attack equals a new wave of anti-cop violence. It is also proof that if cops are not allowed to air their crotches all over the Fourth Amendment, civil order will completely break down.

Bama Phred said...

Scranus.

Roille Figners said...

Hell yes, no more cat porn!

dnk said...

gE

Maybe the answer is actually:
d) the NY Times is tired of making David Byrne the go-to artist/bike guy.

But that is unlikely. So I'll go with:

b) [Byrne] doesn't want to be associated with common artists

Blog Drafter said...

Hey, leave Murray Hill out of this!

TDF is all about "Selfiegate" right now. And Giant Germans smashing everyone in their path.

susonauta said...

Magellan died in the Filipines. Juan Sebastian Elcano and the rest of the crew completed the first circumnavigation of the globe.

tobeistobex said...

Why does that mountain bike have such little wheels?

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dnk said...

I hate to give the Post the click count, but I just read their article on the Barbie Bike Assault.

Four cops got some gashes, one of them needed a couple of stitches.

The guy who threw the bike is being charged with four counts of attempted MURDER.

Those cops don't fuck around.

3G said...

I'd much rather watch a CAT5 race in prospect park than the tour. The equipment is so much more expensive, and when it breaks from a crash it blends hilarity and tragedy at the same time.

whatever, i'm wasted

dnk said...

Just for fun, consider:

You think the cops would charge a person who drove their car into a bicyclist or pedestrian while being legitimately distracted with snacking on french fries while driving --- would that person get charged with ATTEMPTED MURDER?

dnk said...

Just for fun, consider:

You think the cops would charge a person who drove their car into a bicyclist or pedestrian while being legitimately distracted with snacking on french fries while driving --- would that person get charged with ATTEMPTED MURDER?

mikeweb said...

Tim must be a bar Barber.

Herschel Raney said...

I will give you 100 dollars Merican if you find Tim Barber and kick his ass.

Four counts of Murder? Assault with a silly weapon seems closer. I hardly believe I would be thinking, as I tossed it, "if I aim this Barbie bike just right, I should be able to kill all four of those cops." Maybe in a Michael Bay movie.

ken e. said...

the chinese circumnavigated the globe in the early 1400's way before any europeans... just sayin'.

CommieCanuck said...

Sheep are fitted with cameras for the TDF.

This can only mean one thing... a surprise comeback by Mario Cipollini!

CommieCanuck said...

Overheard at the Al Qaeda Barbie Bike Bomb Suicide training camp by the instructor:
"pay attention... because I'm only going to do this once..."

There must be an easier way to get to 72 virgins -recumbent cycling club?

CommieCanuck said...

Four counts of Murder? Assault with a silly weapon seems closer. I hardly believe I would be thinking, as I tossed it, "if I aim this Barbie bike just right, I should be able to kill all four of those cops." Maybe in a Michael Bay movie

There is a lethal form of ninja martial arts in which one can decapitate 4 people with one well-thrown Barbie Bike..it's all a blur of white and hot pink and blood red.

Anonymous said...

asceticism.



11:35 - really?

may as well have taken Monday off, too

82Medici said...

Note that the Sheep-Cam article was written by Victoria WOOLlaston!

So far, I haven't found a link to the video :(

Anonymous said...

So you kind of mean that it's kind of like kind of airing out your crotch. Kind of.

mikeweb said...

An artist friend of mine in Brooklyn loves bikes so much that she paints pictures of them. I guess that's not good enough for the grey lady. You have to crush them to prove your true devotion.

JLRB said...

CommieCanuck @12:30 for the early lead

FactBot9000 said...

",,,the chinese circumnavigated the globe in the early 1400's way before any europeans..."

If they did they did not leave the quality and quantity of evidence as the Europeans did.

DB said...

Commie 12:30-12:36, early COD's.

dnk said...

mikeweb,

Taliah Lempert?

ken e. said...

@factbot9000:
it's true there's not much evidence left, but check out the book 1421 by gavin menzies. dude has some pretty solid evidence, part of which points to the chinese destroying their own records of the event shortly thereafter.

Herschel Raney said...

And as for the Tour, yes, I can't look away.

I kind of liked seeing Cavendish crying.

The British announcers expressing dismay over the hills in Yorkshire only being Category 3 or 4 climbs.

And damn, I don't know, I kind of like Sagan and his accent.

And I get high entertainment value out of just screaming 'Fuck You Froomie' frequently at my monitor.

Notafredmethinks said...

Sitting in the SF airport reading today's blog has inspired me to be the first to bike from California to Tokyo by tunnel. I am just waiting for Jerry Brown to build it.

FactBot9000 said...

"...the chinese destroying their own records..."

I went to the moon in 1942 but I destroyed my records shortly there after. I don't like to brag.

But I bet Gavin Menzies can come up with enough solid evidence to write a book about my trip.

ken e. said...

try reading the book.

Flyover BC said...

It's true, Magellan DNFd on the trip round the world.

The best thing about artists is their undying (at least until their dead, or they get a real job) optimism that their next work or show will make them rich and famous.

Anonymous said...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/early-lead/wp/2014/07/07/selfie-taking-fans-are-getting-in-everyones-way-at-the-tour-de-france/

Anonymous said...

Bike thief in Austin and perhaps a town near you. Recognize this person?

https://post.craigslist.org/manage/4554625859

Anonymous said...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/othersports/cycling/tour-de-france/10950287/Tour-de-France-Cambridge-plea-to-spectators-as-dangerous-selfie-craze-angers-riders.html

crosspalms said...

Is the Barbie Bike Toss going to be a new urban sport?

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob, if you could help get the word out about this scumbag I would be eternally grateful. http://texasbikeracing.com/bike-thief-know-guy/

I also linked to a craigslist post in the comment above. Thanks in advance.

Best Regards,
Jeff

shining trapezoid said...

The unfathomable stupidity of "artists", cops and Freds makes me want to hit myself in the face with a hammer.

The Robot Engineer said...

The Nuseti logo is a fallopian tube moose head.

mikeweb said...

dnk,

Affirmative.

Anonymous said...

spoiler alert, 2014 TdF champion Chris Froome.

Anonymous said...

A well regulated closet full of junk being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear Barbie Bikes shall not be infringed.

You don't need a twenty niner to kill a deer !!

All you really have to do is paint it grey and put buckhorns on it and it's an Assault Bike.

I hope the weekend was good for all. Wanted to do boat stuff for the 4th with all the other yahoos but it was blowing a gale out.
Went to Nyack instead.
What the fuck is Runcible and why would you make a spoon out of it?

vsk

JLRB said...

Fctbot 12:44

By evidence do you mean military invasion , murder and enslavement?

Roille Figners said...

Loving the selfie article. Reality check for pro riders and other people actually doing things per se: Get the hell out of the way and make room for people taking selfies!

I like how they seem to think Ellen invented the selfie 4 months ago. I guess you could go through life thinking "selfie" wasn't shorthand for anything.

Roille Figners said...

Hey where was this globe circumcision debate yesterday when we were looking to fill out a double century?

Cycling in Stockholm said...

Podium. My own.

JLRB said...

I'm going back to yesterday

FactBot9000 said...

"By evidence do you mean military invasion , murder and enslavement?

That is certainly strong evidence for the people of the world that the Europeans had "discovered" them. Although the military invasion and enslavement thing did not work out for well for Magellan; the people in the Philippines successfully fought off his men and killed him.

Evidence that Magellan's expedition in fact made it around the world include log books with accurate latitude measurements and charts of where they made land fall.

dancesonpedals said...

global circumcism debate...do we snip off the arctic or antarctic...and if we rub the arctic after the great trimming, does it get bigger? will a sheet of ice cover the northern hemisphere?

Flyover BC said...

Selfie and shorthand in the same sentence.

I guess it goes without saying, 'cept it won't, that the the long-hand (long-stroke) selfie is being given short-shrift here.

And yes, I did end the sentence with a preposition a**ho.

Roille Figners said...

And will we someday regret the loss of the top of our schmuck after the global brit and have to make it wear an executioner's hood?

Spokey said...

Nuseti really is a new leaping advance in bieking.

Gear no.1 with a 0.66 ratio is comparable to a traditional drive with a 22-teeth front chainring, working with a 33-teeth rear chainring.

I don't know how much faster I can ride with chainrings in the front and the rear, but I gots to get me one of those. All my bieks have that "so yesterday" front chainrings and rear cassette (except the one with the rear freewheel).

Anonymous said...

F#@K you, Dolphin!
F*&K you, Whale!
F%^K you, Froomie!

Spokey said...

The rise of the urban cycling movement may not be enough to save the world from ecological collapse

Am I the only one who is so fucking tired of everything being a movement? The only thing worthy of being a movement involves the porcelain bowl.

DB said...

Podium Ladies look nice this year.

Anonymous said...

I see idiots like this KAWS character - rear brake only - riding around DC. Why would you remove 80% of your braking power... I know the shop that you bought it at didn't build it like that.

Anonymous said...

NOMORESELFIESORIMATOSSABARBIEATCHA!

JLRB said...

Crush abong
savea beik

gE said...

Regarding this whole Chinese circumnavigating the world thing:

No video, didn't happen.

Same thing for Magellan.

End of debate.

JB said...

Exquisite craftsmanship for any bikecycle rider

Bama Phred said...

WallyWorld marketing for the fat biek: "agile and resilient". I guess that's a new take on the stiff yet vertically compliant tripe.

Bama Phred said...

Chinese circumnavigation? Sounds racist to me.

Dooth said...

I got the "douche chills" because Kaws.

Dave said...

Here ya go, Spokey -

http://www.asexuality.org/home/node/25

The Asexual Rights Movement! A movement about a negative, non-existent thing, i.e. not having sex. These people are tired of being laughed at! Gddmit. And they also reserve the right to not ride bicycles - so don't try to shame them into it!

Bama Phred said...

I knew I shouldn't have, I knew it was gonna be bad, but RF, MY EYES, THEY'RE BUUURRRNNING.
Sheesh, where do people get these ideas.

Bama Phred said...

Dear Jeff-Stolen-Bikes
Sorry for your loss.
Your homeowners/renters insurance covers, no?
Now you can go buy yourself some new stuff.

Anonymous said...

Hey, look at this everybody. Someone finally doing something productive through kickstarter!

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/324283889/potato-salad

Anonymous said...

Ok number one, why does frank bensons schwinn have a damn granny ring and why has he got the bike in that gear? Is this some sort of bold statement, breaking The Rules of the Velominati? Or is he just that comfortable with his wussiness? Moving on, i see the Mountain Bike Of The Future uses a fully enclosed drivetrain system. As i understand it this concept has been used for around a century. The "inventor" goes one step farther though and combines 100-year-old technology with epicyclic gearing technology that is eleven (11) centuries old. So i find myself asking what is so revolutionary about the Mountain Bike Of The Future? Is it frame material? Maybe the frame is made from upcycled dog shit rolled in the tears collected from 1012 specially trained mountain freds then baked to case hardness in a cutting edge 38 ply titanium foil solar oven or something? I just hope when this gets off the ground that the Mountain Bike Of The Future retails for $18,999 because i dont thnk i could live with myself if i paid a nickle less, for such Epic© technological plagurism.

Regular guy said...

Hey, artists who ride bikes! Biking is cool!

Julia Chiang "You get to just focus on your senses — try to see things before they happen, hear things before it’s too late" -yeah, that's why I ride a bike too, all other times I just get walloped by things left and right, because I'm so senseless.

In fact it makes me glad I don't live anywhere near bike bomber Bryan Jimenez, I'd a gotten walloped by that Barbie bike for sure.

That picture of the bike bomber Jimenez, he certainly does not look nonplussed. Had he been stopped and frisked, they would have found he was packing Barbie-bike heat. Time to crack down on people riding pink bikes with training wheels!

AnonymousToo said...

At least when these guys started making/selling a chain encased in the frame they did not claim they invented the idea:

http://www.flevobike.nl/en/GreenMachine/greenmachine.html

babble on said...

Must be a bitch to replace the chain when it does wear out.

Oh wait. Just give it the Manhood and as soon as it feels all comfy-cozy again, everything will be fine.

Geez, Mr Figners, thank you for penis (S). Um, if you're going to do the old "hands from behind the body" trick, why not use a woman's hands? Just wondering, is all.

DB said...

Podium kisses ahead.

Bama Phred said...

Got my smarting phone ready for a selfie in front of the sprint. Who is it gonna be? Spokey? DB? Or maybe WIWM?

gE said...

Early lead up, must be a short stage.

leroy said...

Old school Barbie bike throw.

Spokey said...

Anonymous @ 4:13

Not worth it. My tater salad is better than that. where are the finely chopped green & red sweet peppers, julienned carrots, onions, scallions, chives, sharp cheddar?

All I see is tater & probably egg. Presumably mayo. Where are the other 14 ingredients?

Spokey said...

come on wimps

start your pedals

babble on said...

winding up

Spokey said...

hoppin' on the 12 speed

in the 42 ring

uggg i left it in the 11 cog last time.

babble on said...

working up a sweat now...

Spokey said...

time to sprint

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and 100th!

wishiwasmerckx said...

...or thereabouts...

Spokey said...

thanks babs for lead out

suck on it again wiwm

babble on said...

My pleasure. :D
XX

DB said...

Dang. Had a flurry at work and had to bail.
Congrats, WIWM.

Anonymous said...

Phew, I was worried Snobby may have matured over the weekend, but at the last moment he threw in that line about crotch airing after it seemed like he was just going to let it ride.

He may have matured a little, though, because he didn't note the artiste immediately above the crotch airer struck a ready-for-action pose with his priapic stance.

In cultured arts circles this practice is known as "subverting the juxtapositional narrative dichotomy", but hereabouts it's best referred to simply as a double entendre.

Real Mad Beaver in Canada said...

Since when is pussy porn porn? Why if Rob the Fords saw that pussy he's wolf it down.

babble on said...

Nah. He has plenty to eat at home, and clearly he NEVER eats out.

Pussy porn is happiest when it's teamed with the contents of the Manhood.

Roille Figners said...

Hey, back from pesky work. What is it with people after a holiday weekend?

Spokey said...

every day is a holiday for we senile citizens.


druggist ncianus I don't even want know. Sounds like apothecary's scranus.

Boston's Inferiority Complex said...

hello mr rock machine - you might be interested in this article by someone who is not me.

https://medium.com/p/9316abbd5735

cheers,

Duck 'n' Cover said...

How embarassing for those NYPD cops, having a child's Barbie bike getting the drop on you.

gE said...

Spokey, your 12 speed has an 11 tooth cog? Not that I paid attention to those things back in the day, but that's gotta be some exotic race machine.

Anonymous said...

Cheaper to throw artists at the cops

9.8 M/S Squared said...

Of course the the charge should be 'attempted murder', obviously they appriciate the gravity of the situation.

Nacnud said...

Hope the plods spoke to the Barbie Bomber

Nacnud said...

Police: "Stop yanking our chain. Come out with your hands up!"

BB: "No way - it's a frame up"

Police: "We know you've been pedaling"

BB: "I aint moving from this seat. I'm going to stay"

Police: "Fork rists sake, give up"

BB: "No one's spoke to me like that before! I'm not having a bar of it!"

Police: "Get a grip. We're tyred of your freewheeling"

BB: "Oh yeah? Fuck you copper!"

*throws bike*

Spokey said...

jeez gE

Of course I just typed whatever was in my head. But just for you I did go and count them. It's a 13. And it's just a circa '83(4?) Centurion LeMans 12. I'm pretty sure the 42 ring is there but I'm too lazy to count that.

Of course a 6 cog setup. But both the 7 and 9 cog bikes have 11 lows.

Do have an exotic that my brother gave me but no idea what kind of gearing. It's some custom built crit bike with a campy groupo on a Cannondale frame. pretty sure that's a 14 speed. I've only ridden it once.

Anonymous said...

ken e. 12:30, you are so wrong.

McFly said...

Q) Whats the difference of it slipping out with a hot black lady cop and a regular lady?

A) You got 4 hands trying to get it back in instead of 2.

Anonymous said...

All these years I thought pedaling my urban bike to work was going to save the planet. I was the hero of the streets, staving off ecological collapse while perfecting my cadence and documenting it all with the Carbon offset calculator on my Cateye Enduro cyclocomputer. Germans are such Nihlists, and I can almost hear the bad techno music in the background when I look at that picture.