Monday, May 19, 2014

Simplification by Complification

Well, the EPOGEN® Tour of California came to a close yesterday, which means that Cannondale can finally remove the picture of Peter Sagan's schlong from their website:



I'm not sure why the site designers didn't Photoshop that out, unless it wasn't there in the first place and they Photoshopped it in.  Either way, this look says it all, though exactly what it's saying is subject to debate:


Admiration?  Jealousy?  Lust?  A heady mélange of the three?

We may never know.

In any case, I watched roughly forty-five seconds of this year's race--inadvertently, on a TV in a deli, during that small window before the owners notice that a bunch of European guys are riding around California with salsiccia in their pants and abruptly change the channel--and from that forty-five seconds, I was able to conclude that my sandwich was delicious.  As for the race itself, I learned nothing, so I checked the Internet when I got home and found out that this guy won it:


(Sir Bradley Wiggins was recently knighted for being the most English-looking person in Britain.)

Who then celebrated by attempting to open a bottle of Napa Valley Sparkling Wine Product:


(Sir Bradley Wiggins demonstrating the upper body strength for which road cyclists are famous.)

He failed, though not for lack of trying:


(Sir Bradley Wiggins contorting his noble visage in a baronial grimace.)

Anyway, with the Tour of California now over, I can finally turn my attention back to ignoring the Giro d'Italia, which is currently being led by:


This guy?


That can't be right.  He retired years ago!

Speaking of bygone eras, remember when people used analog u-locks which they opened and closed using these things called "keys?"  Idiots!  Now we've evolved, and the discerning urban cyclists accesses his or her bicycle using keyless entry:



A reader alerted me to this last week, and I did include it on Friday's quiz, but this product is so life-changingly revolutionary and utterly scrotalitarian that I felt it warranted closer examination.

Firstly, its called the "Skylock," which should not be confused with the "Shylock:"


(That guy from that thing as Shylock.)

Shylock, of course, is the controversial crowdsourcing app with which cyclists can search for new bike loans from other cyclists willing to lend them money, and it's been heavily criticized for its often usurious interest rates, as well as drawn the ire of the Anti-Defamation League for its branding:


(Not sure why the filthy contents of his craven Jew sack don't include "endearingly neurotic Hollywood leading men," but then again I'm not a cartoonist or a neo-Nazi.)

No, the Skylock is the new lock which will forever save you from having to reach into your pocket for a key, because instead all you have to do is reach into your pocket for your phone:


See how much easier that is?*

*[Disclaimer: it's not any easier.]

Also, the battery never runs out, because it has a solar panel:


("I charge mine with the rays of sunshine that come out of my ass!")

This is a great design, because Skylock's market research has revealed the following facts:

1) Nobody keeps their u-lock in the bottom of a dark bag when they're not using it.  Instead, 99.9% of cyclists polled hang it on a clothesline in a patch of sunlight where petunias grow and bunnies frolic;

2) Nobody lives in a part of the world where it ever gets cloudy or dark, or where they do most of their bike-locking during the evening hanging out with friends at bars;

3) Nobody who commutes to work ever locks their bike at an indoor bike rack in a parking garage or similar structure;

4) Battery-powered accessories are always fully charged whenever you need them, which is why when you roll up to the bar after dark and remove your u-lock from your bag for the first time in a week it will always be totally operational;

5) The same principle that governs #4 also ensures that your phone is always fully charged and never runs out of juice after a long day or at an inconvenient moment.

6) Even if your phone battery were to somehow die, would you really want to be able to unlock your bicycle?  Of course not!

7) Keys are stupid because they work all the time, even if a cloud of smog envelops the Earth and blots out the sun, and all the world's wireless networks fail simultaneously.**

**[This could easily happen as a result of the international Zionist conspiracy.]

But wait, there's more, because the Skylock will also tell you if you're bike's getting stolen:


This is an indispensable feature, because when you receive the alert and run outside to find the bike gone without a trace (apart from the broken Skylock on the sidewalk) you'll know that it was stolen--whereas, with an old-fashioned analog u-lock, you might waste hours wondering if maybe you hadn't ridden your bike that day after all and trying to remember where you parked your Hyundai.

Okay, I did lie a little bit, because with the Skylock you don't necessarily have to fish your phone out of your pocket.  You can also turn on the "proximity" feature and access the bike by waving your groin near it:


(Can't wait until everyone in Brooklyn is gyrating in front of their mail-order bicycles like they're using invisible Hula Hoops.)

Also, if you don't have your phone, you can "enter a code using the capacitive touch pad:"


Congratulations!  You just bought a $150 combination lock.

Oh, here's that touch pad in action:


You should finally have access to your bicycle in 15 to 20 minutes.

Then, when you crash into a mailbox, it will inform you that you have in fact crashed:


After which it will ask you if you need help:

If you confirm that you do need help, it will take you to the Obamacare website where you can search for a health insurance policy, and if you refuse help you hereby waive your right to sue Skylark.  If you don't press anything, Skylock automatically cues up your pre-selected iTunes "crash mix," and you'll slowly bleed out and die to soothing musical accompaniment.

Best of all though is the obligatory social networking component which allows you to lend your bicycle to others:


Because it's way too difficult to just hand someone a fucking key.

Sharing a bike, huh?  If only there were some system that allowed people to access bicycles in various parts of a city whenever they needed them...


("Don't.  Even.  Say it.")

Oh well, guess it will never happen.

84 comments:

Serial Retrogrouch said...

BIG CUNT

The Robot Engineer said...

Scranus.

Anonymous said...

Constitution keystone old north scranus podio.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

going to lunch now... smell you later. [bows... finger bangs... and leaves]

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten.

pavel m. said...

top ten

babble on said...

I'm okay with schlongs... you gotta problem with schlongs?!

Flyover BC said...

top ten

Kenny said...

I thought Peter Sagan was bald.

Anonymous said...

Top twenty!

Spokey said...

ok kenny

spill!


10?

Anonymous said...

Top ducking twenty!

ringcycles said...

Is that a frame pump on your top tube or are you happy to see me?

Roille Figners said...

D-RAB!

Anonymous said...

Food for thought but I'd prefer a Reuben.

cycle

Flyover BC said...

That comment about the craven jew- sack sounds anti-semen-tic.

Anonymous said...

buncha pickle smoochers all

McFly said...

Yep. They tried that already with a solar powered vibrator...Skycock....the design is inherently flawed.

For obvious reasons.

shining trapezoid said...

damn zionists

Rusty Red said...

top 437!

Roille Figners said...

I'm confused - into what Miniature Football Stadium of Truth is being poured that Schmaltzy Broth of Shame?

Anyway yeah they also forgot the "hilariously self-deprecating standup comedians."

Those lucky Jews, how did they get to be the ones everybody projects their own problems on?

Paul Bowen said...

Good call on Sir Brad, he could only be English with a fiz like that, thus demonstrating our genius for assimilation as he is in fact half Belgian. Similarly the generally-acknowledged Greatest Briton Ever, Sir Winston Churchill, was half USAnian.

mikeweb said...

Correct on Churchill. His mother was born in Cobble Hill.

Week after BTW day Cleveland said...

damn meeting took me out of contention....

DB said...

Kenny!
You're back!

crosspalms said...

Somebody hacked my Skylock and now the damn thing's talking to my Nest thermostat and Roomba and I can't unlock the bike, the house is freezing and the Roomba won't stop chasing the cats. At least I don't have a car, so Skylock can't chat up the woman at Onstar. What the hell kind of future is this?

Dooth said...

Coincidently, cock rhymes with lock.

DB said...

I did not know that about Churchill.

DB said...

Early lead for Crosspalms in the COD.

balls™ said...

That is some very green spandicks.

Paul Bowen said...

As well as being American, Churchill's mummy/mommy , I have just discovered, was also insanely hot.

Regular guy said...

I can understand why people would want to get rid of all their keys, don't they scratch up your phone when they occupy the same pocket?

However, I don't think that guy wanted to steal his bike, looked more like he was cruising. That look definitely meant "meet me in the alley for a quickie".

Like how the guy permits the little woman to access the bike after she's done with the kitchen chores.

Anonymous said...

Ant1st blows goats.

the Jimboner said...

"I charge mine with the rays of sunshine that come out of my ass!"

the story of my life

Roille Figners said...

I didn't know Chris Cornell was in the biek racing. Nice schlong!

1904 Cadardi said...

" in a patch of sunlight where petunias grow and bunnies frolic..."


Awwwww. That's where you can lock your bike to a dandelion with a licorice whip.

Matthew said...

I can only assume you're heading for burnout Snob, because no one could sustain this level of quality for long.

Jam Master Cray said...

AMRS GLANC
SALC HICH
KEELSS NTRY
DRTH OWICZ

Anonymous said...

if my dong


were half that long


I'd have a bevy of beauties

watching my bike*

*http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bike

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...every time dorothy makes an appearance, my wiener shrinks permanently a little. the effect is offset by recumbabe.

...ergo, henceforth, from thence onward, do us a public service and post recumbabe directly after the visage of the orange widow. puh-leeze

ebaneezer scrooge said...

Bah, Scranus

Roille Figners said...

I didn't know Aaron Paul had a lock company. Bitch.

babble on said...

Ok, so why do all of the guys behind Sagan look as if someone photoshopped giant derpy heads onto itty bitty bodies?

Geez. No wonder I suck at the biek racings. I am the very opposite of a proper cyclist: I've a very small brain atop a round, full, dense body. I'm doomed. Everyone keeps saying that it's all about stratey now. Well that and the six pounds difference between my bike and theirs.

Lol! So every day every I try to exercise my brain muscles and keep my weight down. Do I really want that glass of wine with dinner, or do I want to be able to KEEP UP with the cat 1 boys?

grog said...

Today we get the international Zionist conspiracy, but we never get Zombies. Unless the kid sucking on the straw was a Zombie.
BIEK ZMBY do suck.

Roille Figners said...

I didn't know Wiggo was in Coldplay. Cunt.

Roille Figners said...

I didn't know BSNYC was Wiggo. Scranus.

McFly said...

Looks like peter likes having his picture taken.

Bama Phred said...

I've been waiting so long
For my lock to charge up
From the sunshine of my ass.

Somewhere Jack Bruce, Ginger Baker, and Eric Clapton just winced.

Synonymous said...

Mallard walks into a bar.


DUCK!

Always Anonymous said...

DB 1:37,

I don't think it is Kenny.

The real Kenny, our beloved Kenny, would never just saunter back in here and post a thoroughly banal comment about Carl Sagan without addressing the most pressing issue of the day.

No, this is not Kenny. At least not Kenny as we know him.

I suspect what has happened, is the the International Zionist Conspiracy has kidnapped the real Kenny and either brainwashed him or replaced him with an evil double.

Jefe said...

I don't want anything on my bike that will "alert the authorities." I also do not take advice from one who answers to "Boo Boo."

Spokey said...

babs;

if you have to ask whether to drink or keep up with the cat 1 boys, I fear you're already gone.

I suggest two glasses at dinner until you've returned from the abyss.

DB said...

AA @ 3:55:
He could be toying with us.
I believe that he will someday post a video of the box's contents, but if he doesn't, I think we can find him and just all show up at his door.

Spokey said...

DB

then we beat it out of him?

DB said...

Spokey:
Oh, yeah.
Leroy's dog, Babs' stilettos, McFly's hemi, Commie will bring Robs Fords....

dancesonpedals said...

maybe I can market my old jock as a schlong-thong

Spokey said...

DB

I'm as pissed at Kenny as anyone, but Robs Fords? I'm not quite there to risk a UN humans violation charge.

Always Anonymous said...

How will the booty be split after we beat up Kenny.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

It really must have been some kind of wanking device in that package.

Freddy Murcks said...

You know what I hate? The color blue. I have an irrational hatred of the color blue.



gust famproh

Bartleby said...

Beat up Kenny?

I would prefer not to.

Always Anonymous said...

Let's beat up Bartleby instead.

crosspalms said...

Kenny's probably still in a snackfood-induced coma after eating all the Cheetos and Froot-Loops Snob sent him. They're major sponsors, after all.

Bartleby said...

I would not prefer a beating.

DB said...

We would never beat up Kenny, just pay him a "visit".
The New Yorkers can pull up in a black town car for added fear factor.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Too nice today to fly a desk. So I got bent.

Always Anonymous said...

Well who can we beat up!?

Anonymous said...

Hey, I know!


THE JEWS!

Anonymous said...

Splittin the booty is best done late at night. I prefer to split it equally with a half in each hand. It can become a messy affair but if its rightfully your booty or even booty you have stolen you split it gently and enjoy it to the fullest. I like to finish with an AAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!

rural 14 said...

rural 1st!
OK Kenny - what gives?

Dave said...

I'm not a neo-Nazi either, but who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Anyway I'd love to hire R. Crumb or Ralph Steadman to illustrate the following completely true anecdote:

Curtain opens on a beautiful spring afternoon. I am cruising along in recumbent splendor, briskly but warily as is my wont. At a certain blind corner in one of our lovely local bike trails there is an entrance to the trail from the sidewalk that should not exist; the cyclist entering cannot see the trail to his left at all due to the fence ending right there, but can see the trail to his right; and he is forced to push up a little slope, so that if he is even a little careless he enters blind and suddenly just as the rider coming down the slope is moving fairly well; the turn itself is not abrupt. As I neared the turn at no more than 15 mph, a moron on a mountain bike erupted out of the opening; we each swerved just enough to miss and he went, at the width of an invisible cunt-hair, to my right. Simultaneously there erupted out of my mouth, entirely without my volition, as if vomited from the part of my subconscious controlled by some ancestor who might have been a Nazi drill sergeant, this portmanteau pseudo-Germanic epithet: “WATCHITWATCHITGODDAMNYOUFUCKINGIDIOT!” at the very top of my lungs. And I rode on, shaking with adrenalin. Sic Semper Moronicus.

Usually Anonymous said...

This really is a New York centric blog. What with all the Jews. 1.7% of the US population and all you ever here is jewjewjew...
Sheesh

Roille Figners said...

Robs Fords crack pipe! Get yours today!

Euro Spondee said...

It really was a top notch post, with some gret comment riffing as well, but does no-one want to offer their own iTunes "crash mix,"
C'mon Babs, you must have one,

Gabriela said...

Admiration? Jealousy? Lust? A heady mélange of the three?

I don't know :)

Anonymous said...

Hey did you know that if you click on the word said then the whole post collapses,
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
but then you can't read all this shit.
..
..
..
..
..
..
no that you would want to



Anonymous said...

What's with the picture of Macklemore and the bag?

RoadQueen said...

Oh My God. They're gonna kill Kenny.

RoadQueen said...

In all seriousness, Kenny. You need to come off AT LEAST a wordy description of what all shit Snob sent you, or we're all gonna 'plotz'.

babble on said...

Lol! Yup, we crash test dummies always have an appropriate mix of tunes for any occasion. ...

And you know you're going to need it, Kenny, unless you get with the program and give us WHAT WE WANT!!! today, please.

Anonymous said...

lol this blog is garbage, like a bunch of school children laughing at fart jokes.

carry on, shut ins.

Roille Figners said...

poo


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Anonymous said...

PB "Greatest Briton Ever, Sir Winston Churchill, was half USAnian. "

You say that as if being American is a "thing".

The King of Park Slope said...

So Shylock will lend me money for porn?