Simplification by Complification

Well, the EPOGEN® Tour of California came to a close yesterday, which means that Cannondale can finally remove the picture of Peter Sagan's schlong from their website:

(Via a Twitterer.)

I'm not sure why the site designers didn't Photoshop that out, unless it wasn't there in the first place and they Photoshopped it in.  Either way, this look says it all, though exactly what it's saying is subject to debate:

Admiration?  Jealousy?  Lust?  A heady mélange of the three?

We may never know.

In any case, I watched roughly forty-five seconds of this year's race--inadvertently, on a TV in a deli, during that small window before the owners notice that a bunch of European guys are riding around California with salsiccia in their pants and abruptly change the channel--and from that forty-five seconds, I was able to conclude that my sandwich was delicious.  As for the race itself, I learned nothing, so I checked the Internet when I got home and found out that this guy won it:

(Sir Bradley Wiggins was recently knighted for being the most English-looking person in Britain.)

Who then celebrated by attempting to open a bottle of Napa Valley Sparkling Wine Product:

(Sir Bradley Wiggins demonstrating the upper body strength for which road cyclists are famous.)

He failed, though not for lack of trying:

(Sir Bradley Wiggins contorting his noble visage in a baronial grimace.)

Anyway, with the Tour of California now over, I can finally turn my attention back to ignoring the Giro d'Italia, which is currently being led by:

[Consults popular search engine.]

This guy?

That can't be right.  He retired years ago!

Speaking of bygone eras, remember when people used analog u-locks which they opened and closed using these things called "keys?"  Idiots!  Now we've evolved, and the discerning urban cyclists accesses his or her bicycle using keyless entry:

A reader alerted me to this last week, and I did include it on Friday's quiz, but this product is so life-changingly revolutionary and utterly scrotalitarian that I felt it warranted closer examination.

Firstly, its called the "Skylock," which should not be confused with the "Shylock:"

(That guy from that thing as Shylock.)

Shylock, of course, is the controversial crowdsourcing app with which cyclists can search for new bike loans from other cyclists willing to lend them money, and it's been heavily criticized for its often usurious interest rates, as well as drawn the ire of the Anti-Defamation League for its branding:

(Not sure why the filthy contents of his craven Jew sack don't include "endearingly neurotic Hollywood leading men," but then again I'm not a cartoonist or a neo-Nazi.)

No, the Skylock is the new lock which will forever save you from having to reach into your pocket for a key, because instead all you have to do is reach into your pocket for your phone:

See how much easier that is?*

*[Disclaimer: it's not any easier.]

Also, the battery never runs out, because it has a solar panel:

("I charge mine with the rays of sunshine that come out of my ass!")

This is a great design, because Skylock's market research has revealed the following facts:

1) Nobody keeps their u-lock in the bottom of a dark bag when they're not using it.  Instead, 99.9% of cyclists polled hang it on a clothesline in a patch of sunlight where petunias grow and bunnies frolic;

2) Nobody lives in a part of the world where it ever gets cloudy or dark, or where they do most of their bike-locking during the evening hanging out with friends at bars;

3) Nobody who commutes to work ever locks their bike at an indoor bike rack in a parking garage or similar structure;

4) Battery-powered accessories are always fully charged whenever you need them, which is why when you roll up to the bar after dark and remove your u-lock from your bag for the first time in a week it will always be totally operational;

5) The same principle that governs #4 also ensures that your phone is always fully charged and never runs out of juice after a long day or at an inconvenient moment.

6) Even if your phone battery were to somehow die, would you really want to be able to unlock your bicycle?  Of course not!

7) Keys are stupid because they work all the time, even if a cloud of smog envelops the Earth and blots out the sun, and all the world's wireless networks fail simultaneously.**

**[This could easily happen as a result of the international Zionist conspiracy.]

But wait, there's more, because the Skylock will also tell you if you're bike's getting stolen:

This is an indispensable feature, because when you receive the alert and run outside to find the bike gone without a trace (apart from the broken Skylock on the sidewalk) you'll know that it was stolen--whereas, with an old-fashioned analog u-lock, you might waste hours wondering if maybe you hadn't ridden your bike that day after all and trying to remember where you parked your Hyundai.

Okay, I did lie a little bit, because with the Skylock you don't necessarily have to fish your phone out of your pocket.  You can also turn on the "proximity" feature and access the bike by waving your groin near it:

(Can't wait until everyone in Brooklyn is gyrating in front of their mail-order bicycles like they're using invisible Hula Hoops.)

Also, if you don't have your phone, you can "enter a code using the capacitive touch pad:"

Congratulations!  You just bought a $150 combination lock.

Oh, here's that touch pad in action:


You should finally have access to your bicycle in 15 to 20 minutes.

Then, when you crash into a mailbox, it will inform you that you have in fact crashed:

After which it will ask you if you need help:

If you confirm that you do need help, it will take you to the Obamacare website where you can search for a health insurance policy, and if you refuse help you hereby waive your right to sue Skylark.  If you don't press anything, Skylock automatically cues up your pre-selected iTunes "crash mix," and you'll slowly bleed out and die to soothing musical accompaniment.

Best of all though is the obligatory social networking component which allows you to lend your bicycle to others:

Because it's way too difficult to just hand someone a fucking key.

Sharing a bike, huh?  If only there were some system that allowed people to access bicycles in various parts of a city whenever they needed them...

("Don't.  Even.  Say it.")

Oh well, guess it will never happen.