Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Salmon Spread 'Em!

So Alec Baldwin got arrested on his bike yesterday, but I prefer to make this all about me:


(I, Fredly Adonis.)

Since the invention of the English language back in the late 19th century, many people have used it to write books and poems and articles and stuff.  Some of this stuff is pretty good, too, which is impressive given that English is an ugly language best described as German, only with more lisping and fewer umlauts.  One example of good stuff written in English is "The Charge of the Light Brigade," by Alfred, Lord Tennyson:

Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt.
It is so big. [scoff] She looks like,
one of those rap guys' girlfriends.
But, you know, who understands those rap guys? *scoff*
They only talk to her, because,
she looks like a total prostitute, 'kay?
I mean, her butt, is just so big.
I can't believe it's just so round, it's like,
out there, I mean - gross. Look!
She's just so ... black!

Actually, that wasn't Tennyson.  That was Sir, Mix-A-Lot.

But I digest.

The point is that, in literally decades of writing stuff in English, only a few great literary minds have transcended lame stories about whales and scarlet letters by adding new expressions to the language, thereby changing the very way English is used and forever leaving their verbal body jewelry in this ever-changing tongue.  Here's a short list of writers who have furnished us with indispensable turns of phrase over the years:

William Shakespeare


("This pen smells like ass."--William Shakespeare)

Shakespeare's contributions to English expressions are too numerous to enumerate here:  "Discretion is the better part of valor," "Fast in February, fried in July," "This pen smells like ass"...the list goes on.

Alfred, Lord Tennyson


("Half a league onward, / All in the valley of Death..."--Alfie Tennyson)

Tennyson was the first writer in English ever to liken his phallus to a serpent, as he did in "Ulysses" with this metaphor:

My anaconda don't want none
Unless you've got buns, hun

Prior to this, it was customary for male writers to liken their appendages to hedgehogs, which was confusing as well as off-putting.  (As for "buns," many readers mistakenly assume Tennyson is referring to the buttocks, but the fact is he just really liked bread.)

And then there's me:

Wildcat Rock Machine


("It's not that my anaconda don't want none, it's just that this closeout chamois cream I bought from Nashbar is kinda burny."--Wildcat Rock Machine)

Sure, to date I've only contributed one (1) enduring expression to the English language, but it's a doozy.  (H/T to Shakespeare on "doozy.")  So what is it?  Why, it's "salmon," of course!


(Oh, come on, how is that even a thing?)

Sorry, wrong definition, here's the one I invented:


(How the hell is mine only number five?  Who edits this thing?  It's like this "Urban Dictionary" isn't a real dictionary at all!)

But yeah, the point is that I coined the term "salmon" for someone riding against traffic on a bicycle, and I did it exactly five years ago yesterday, on Wednesday, May 13th, 2009:

(Actually, I probably used it a bunch of times before this, but whatever.)

Since then, "salmon" (as both noun and verb) has become common parlance in the cycling community and beyond, to extent that David Byrne even used it in the New York Times back in 2012:

How do I use a bike on a typical day? The other afternoon, I took a break from writing and biked south to Chelsea to get groceries. I rode down the protected bike lane on Ninth Avenue; it’s definitely a lot more relaxing to ride in these than it is to negotiate naked New York streets, though you do have to watch out for salmon-cyclists who ride against the flow of traffic.

The hyphen notwithstanding, that's my word, and the very moment David Byrne--the David Byrne, who doesn't even own a car for chrissake!--used "salmon" in our newspaper of record is the very same moment I should have retired.  I mean really, how much better does it get for a bike blogger?  David Byrne using your word in the Times is like Rob Ford using your pipe in one of his crack-smoking videos.

Yet instead I keep plugging away, hoping in vain that one day something even more exciting happens, like Rob Ford name-checking me in one of his crack-smoking videos.

By the way, read this line again, only out of context and in a Russian accent:

it’s definitely a lot more relaxing to ride in these than it is to negotiate naked New York streets

And tell me it doesn't sound like Vladimir Putin explaining that he now prefers cycling in khakhis to cycling in the nude.

In any case, back to Alec Baldwin, who, on the fifth anniversary of my coinage of the term "salmon," was arrested after police stopped him for salmoning:


Or, if you preferred, he was BUSTED IN NYC FOR ILLEGAL BIKING!!!


Which undoubtedly prompted millions of Americans to ask the following question:

"Were Mr. Baldwin's civil rights violated?"

"Oh my god, was he wearing a helment!?!?"

The answer, of course, is no, condemning him to fry in the electric chair of popular opinion for all eternity.  Moreover, not only wasn't he wearing a helment, but it appears he wasn't even wearing a hat.  Indeed, it looks like he may have been wearing a visor:


Shielding your eyes from the sun yet leaving your scalp exposed to melanoma-triggering ultraviolet rays?  Does this guy have a death wish or what?!?

Anyway, as the inventor of the term "salmon" (have I mentioned that's one of mine?), I'm now dismayed that it's being used to smear and pillory an innocent celebrity:


Oh, come on, get over it.  What did Alec Baldwin ever do to you?  Granted, if you're a paparazzo he may or may not have lobbed a homophobic slur or two your way, but otherwise he's done nothing except act well in movies and be hilarious on TV.  Come on, they arrested the guy!  If he had been a member of the smugerati riding a bamboo bike while wearing shants and an artisanal fanny pack the cycling community would be in an uproar, but because it's some Long Island schlub in a visor all anybody can do is ridicule him.

Jeez, some "bike culture" we are.  Alec Baldwin rides a bike in New York City!  Is he any different from us?  Okay, a little hairier maybe, but if you wax him, does he not wince?  [H/T to Shakespeare again, that guy's a freaking quote factory!]  We should all have his (hairy) back.  Therefore, it shames me deeply to see the word I invented (yep, "salmon," that was all me) used to shame one of our own as he's hauled off to jail.  I invented "salmon" to be our word!  Had Baldwin merely been photographed salmoning I'd have been the first to mock him for it.  Yet the very moment he was molested by the long arm of the law the entire dynamic changed.  It's like continuing to taunt a classmate with "Your momma" jokes* after you find out his mother's in the hospital.

*[Your momma's so hairy she looks like Alec Baldwin in "Miami Blues."]

Also, wasn't wasn't this the day the police were supposed to be busting drivers?


The NYPD says it's cracking down on people who text and drive or fail to stop for pedestrians.

Police announced two 24-hour-long enforcement initiatives this week.

One started at midnight and is in effect all day Tuesday.

The other is in effect all day Friday.

The NYPD urges everyone to yield to pedestrians at crosswalks and put their phones away while driving.

Yeah, I know it sucks, but rest assured that after Friday you'll be able to resume your usual menacing behavior.

Of course, I still find salmoning just as irritating as I did five years ago, but that's just it--it's annoying.  Most cycling violations are, if we're to be honest, little more than annoying.  Sure, some violations are potentially dangerous to the rider and others, but usually they just cause you to swerve a little and curse the rider for being a dick.

In light of this, it would make sense for the police could treat a lot of these violations like the annoyances they are.  Here's an idea: next time the police encounter a salmon, they should just tell him or her to turn around.  Catch and release, it's as simple as that!  If you were salmoning and a cop told you to turn around, wouldn't you just turn around?  Sure you would.

Instead, whenever they stop someone on a bike, it always seems to turn into something like this:

Paybarah, a designer specializing in lettering and typography, told us he was stopped on the morning of March 20th while biking west on Houston past Broadway. He says he was stopped by "Officer Rich" of the 10th Precinct, who was in an undercover cop car, after he (admittedly) ran a red light. Paybarah took out his ID and immediately started taking video as the cop approached him: "After those 10 seconds I was pulled off my bike, pushed up against the metal fence, placed in handcuffs and put into the back seat of the car. Other officers came. They joked saying they were going to 'handcuff my bike to the tree.'"

Certainly in Baldwin's case it wasn't as simple as "he was salmoning so they arrested him," and there was also the question of whether he was being "disorderly," as well as that whole creepy "taking him to the station until they could confirm his identity" thing.  (The police love to do that with cyclists.)  Still, with all the celebrities out there driving drunk and wrecking cars and all the rest of it, it seems a shame to excoriate Baldwin for salmoning, when instead we should be high-fiving him for riding a bike in the first place.

But what do I know?  I'm only the guy who invented the term.

157 comments:

Dan said...

please tell me, why do I bother, to podium?

Buffalo Bill said...

p-p-podio?

Anonymous said...

ERLY BIRD

Anonymous said...

so close

Ze french cheeze said...

top 5. Joli.

DB said...

Whoa.
Just checked in to catch late night comments and we're starting all over again.

Top said...

"Catch and release" *snicker* was he

carring handgumi

babble on said...

Wooot!! Gidday!

DB said...

Kenny! Big day at the mailbox today!

Snob: one of your best.

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and rounding out the top ten on an early post.

Anonymous said...

No podes at this hour? Really ??

Dang, I gotta decrease my unique hits to the blog.

-> Aside, nice article and familial pictures Mr. Snob.
Also getting the young'un in on Specialized early; I guess resistance is really futile!

Teach him about fine lugwork and retrogrouchy stuff, we need the next generation to help appreciate all the vintage goodies we have laying around (to unload them when we can't ride them any more!). I mean I'm thinkin' I got half my 401K in the basement... a diversified portfolio of Reynolds 531, Columbus SL/SLX, and French drainpipes.

Cheers!

vsk

McFly said...

I like Big Butts and my names's McFly...

I know Babble, I would take a bullet for that woman.

DB said...

Us old guys finally have an advantage.
We've been up for a few hours taking leaks, drinking coffee and reading newspapers that you hold in your hands.
Now when Snob posts at dawn, we're on it.

Anonymous said...

You did not invent salmon, dude. There were people wearing salmon costumes running from the finish to the start of the SF Bay to Breakers foot race in the 1980s. There were naked salmon too, unfortunately.

RoadQueen said...

I used to think that Sir, Mix-A-Lot wrote that song just for me.

Then I found out that he wrote it before I came along. Kinda crushed me a little.

Alec Baldwin is an asshole of mass proportions. The guy is off his rocker. He's constantly in the news for being an asshole. He didn't get arrested for salmoning, he got arrested because when the cops tried to 'catch and release' him, he told them to go fuck themselves. Then when they didn't recognize him, he got all, "Don't you KNOW who I AM?!?!?!"

I think we can choose a much better 'victim' to champion that Alec, "Fucking" Baldwin.

Alec Bladwin Is A Raging Asshole

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 9:59am,

FOOT RACE!

Doesn't count.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Sir Mix-a-Lot said...

My posse's on Broadway.

Sir Mix-a-Lot said...

My Hooptie:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_F76ySzk48

The Dawg Pound said...

Queenie,

I want to crush you...a little.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Yeah, sorry, using "salmon" in that context is not your invention, WRM.

babble on said...

I was arrested and "identified" via fingerprint at the Nanaimo Bathtub Races, because a female officer claimed to have spied my nipple.

I kid you not.

I was even wearing clothes and everything!! It was just a momentary wardrobe malfunction.

the commentariat said...

I claim to have spied your nipple!

JLRB said...

It's not even 11 and I am off the back

I need to upgrade tot he premium account

Anonymous said...

I don't care if Alec was salmonella, I do care that you did not post the pic of a disembodied hand on Alec's shoulder.

If anybody deserves to be an asshole to cops it is Alec Baldwin riding a bike.

Tristan Osborn said...

If true, it's not riding salmon that got him in trouble... it's the aftermath. How do those cops know he didn't just escape Bellevue after all?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 10:31am,

HOW DARE YOU!!!

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Alec was probably riding on that side of the street to hit on chicks, then the fuzz ruined his vibe so he reacted to look cool because chicks dig bad asses.

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

How are we supposed to keep up on the west coast - it is too hot for a podium race this early...

babble on said...

When it's hot, the earlier, the better.

rudimentary peni said...

I want to see more of the behind-the-mall singletrack you posted a couple weeks ago. Are you waiting for Rivendell to send you their anticipated elk-skin manssiere before we get to see some GoPro videos?

Also, I knew Huffy Tosses were useful events: stopping thieves by throwing your bicycle.

Back it Da Fukup said...

When a girl walks by wid an itty bitty waist and a round thang in my face I get sprung.

streepo said...

FREE ALEC

scranus


word viewman

le Correcteur said...

33 comments already? Why do I even bother!

I'll just have to go back and read the post; no respectable showing for me.

crumabi and

And what? Lox?

JLRB said...

Today I was severely salmoned on my way to work. I asked the dude if his name was Sam and he looked at me with confusion.

Next I passed a motorcycle cop sitting at a new bike track/lane on M Street - waiting for some sort of violation. A pedestrian jumped out in front of me right in front of me - I avoided contact but thought for sure he was going to write me up for something.

Instead he just put his hands between my knees from behind and wiggled them around.

Anonymous said...

Snob,
Its about time you publish your own dictionary to formalise the bikesnobnycspeak.

Roille Figners said...

Alec Baldwin's an okay thing to think about instead of peak oil, climate change, the coming economic collapse, and the fascism & cruelty in which you're unwittingly complicit every day.

HAVE A NICE DAY

CommieCanuck said...

So, society.... drive drunk, beat your wife, smoke crack, order a jailhouse beatdown, insult women, and you're Mayor of a major city.

Ride the wrong way up the street with a biek and no healment and you're gang raped in a holding cell in NY. (Come on. With hair like that, you know his stay was a little rapey)

Dooth said...

Wildcat, you misquoted the Bard..."smells like arse."

Celebrity salmon: Baldwin.
e.g, David Byrne is a conscientious city cyclist who would never baldwin up Fifth Ave.

DB said...

So Dooth,
A Baldwin is someone who rides against traffic while wearing a visor?

JLRB said...

Smoked Alec
Poached Alec
Cedar Plank Alec
Blackened Alec
Grilled Alec
Spread Alec

Ladder Alec

Jerky Alec

Atlantic Alec (Playing Salmo Salar on broadway)

King Alec
Coho Alec
Sockeye Alec
Pink Alec
Dog Alec
Chum Alec
Farm Raised Alec
Alec's brother the Steelhead

fred_howe said...

Wildcat Rockmanstein,

My associates at Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe are here to help with your intellectual property claims regarding the term "Salmoning."

#1 register Trademark and Servicemark on the word.

#2 hire a designer to create a fabulous logo with a unique colorway.

#3 Profit by suing every unlicensed user of the word. We'll start with that David Byrne guy.

Why does Mike Sinyard get to be the only one suing everyone for such unique words as Roubaix?

A $100,000 Canadian bonus bucks retainer is the only thing required to get started.

Sincerely,

Fred Howe,
Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe

Anonymous said...

I like the burn of the closeout Nashbar chamois cream, it makes you feel like you got your money's worth. I assume you are using the euro-version?

"Nashbar Euro-Style Ride Glide is remarkably like our regular American-style Ride Glide, with one major difference. Aside from being perfectly formulated to keep you comfy down where the sun don't shine and protecting your unmentionables by creating a slippery anti-chaff layer between your tender skin and the continuous rubbing of your clothing, it also has a delightful mentholated formulation to give your fresh smell and a non-unpleasant cooling, tingling sensation. Use this, and you'll feel like a million bucks."

They still have some in stock at closeout price, and if you read the reviews you'll see that 100% of customers who reviewed it would recommend it to a friend, even if the friend didn't ride a bike. They also fixed that consistency problem.

http://www.nashbar.com/bikes/Product_10053_10052_551188_-1#ReviewHeader

Dooth said...

DB, said rider must be a "celebrity"...plenty of them folks around here, some more infamous than famous.

JB said...

Why is my biggest concern what bike Alex was riding? The PageSix link from RoadQueen provides one look.

Looks like an entry-level Cannondale mtn. bike that's too small for him (based on the slope of the top tube and his knee position while pedaling). He's wearing a Louis Garneau jacket (Nashbar?!) and didn't remove the front reflector. 29er: probably.

rudimentary peni said...

Roille:

I was going to say something similar about the triviality of celebrity but decided against it. In the words of Jim Gaffigan, "It's all McDonalds." Reading some asshole complaints about the bike industry for entertainment isn't really much better than celebrity gossip.

leroy said...

My dog explained that if Mr. Baldwin had a monogrammed helment identifying him, this unfortunate incident would never have taken place.

But my dog also assures me that the scratches he put into my helmet are priceless calligraphy.

I'm not so sure.

And anyway, my initials aren't D.O.R.K.

Who even has four intials? (I mean other than WCRM.)

wishiwasmerckx said...

Who has four initials, you ask?

MILF, that's who has four initials, man.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Well since Paybarah, a designer specializing in lettering and typography and who also adds that he's an avid biker (and used to be a bike messenger), I know he's rocking some cool knuck-tats.

PAYB ARAH

ge said...

Yeah, foot races don't count. Besides, they co-opted the term from Orville and Wilbur Wright, who were so fed up with salmoning that they attempted to develop a flying bicycle so they could eliminate the problem. However, their design wouldn't work without a motor - lame. So frustrated by salmoning, they just did what everyone else was doing and bought a car. Since no one rode bikes anymore for at least a hundred years, the term salmon was lost to history, only to be reinvented by the Wildcat in the early 21st century. And that's how a bill becomes a law and salmoning a criminal offence.

Stat Guy said...

1 out of 4 NYC cyclists make up 25% of the bike salmon population.

crosspalms said...

circula por el sentido correcto con tu bici, you knucklehead

The things I learn around here

Anonymous said...

Snob, You misspelled Robs Fords

Anonymous said...

Ok, moral to the story - you can be polite to the officer when stopped. Say I'm sorry and get a warning or a ticket.

Or - you can be a wise ass and make nasty comments, insult the officer or say "Do you know who i am." Thus you get roughed up and go to jail.

You decide which you prefer. Choose carefully.

cycle

Comment deleted said...

I baked some bee-yoo-tiful California King salmon marinated in garlic, basil, honey mustard and lemon last night, in honor of this auspicious anniversary. All hail to the New Bard!

I, too, have invented a word.* Pyronecropedaphilia. There are very few opportunities to use it, fortunately.

* Seriously; I slandered somebody with it in a Usenet post back in the late eighties, and now it shows up in completely unrelated Google searches.

Roille Figners said...

Having sex with dead children who are on fire?

Comment deleted said...

I didn't say I *approved* of it.

Anonymous said...

NYC Cops can be overzealous, just ask the 70 year old guy they beat the shit out of during the J-Walking Crackdown a few weeks ago. Also, it is fucking annoying as shit to be stopped on your bike for a very minor, not dangerous and I'm not even sure illegal thing like bike salmoning. When you see cars run lights at high speed at nearly every single light change at every section in NYC on crowded streets the cops do virtually nothing to curtail that. Alec probably reacted accordingly. Fuck the police at least until they start getting serious about making he streets a safer place. Our new Mayors vision zero plan is just that, invisible.

leroy said...

My dog advises that there are three proper responses to the question "Do you know who I am?"

1. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll remember eventually.

2. Don't worry, I'm sure someone is looking for you.

3. Let's check your collar. There may be a name written in there.

Roille Figners said...

Just trying to clarify: Is the pyronecropedophile on fire, or are the dead children on fire, or is it taking place in a fire, or is it merely done with fire accentways?

Roille Figners said...

Anyways I like Alec Baldwin ALL THE MORE every time he goes off on somebody. What I don't necessarily award points for, is reporting, again, that Alec Baldwin went off on somebody, again. Like why not follow a fire truck and see if it arrives at a fire, and then yell "FIRE!" Well no shit, Sherlock! You want the journalistic bonus points, catch Beyoncé on video yelling at somebody. Catch a Carson Daly temper tantrum. (Never happen, because they're both robots and have no problems.)

McFly said...

I thought Gettin' a Baldwin was when you laid on your stomach in the floor and a hot girl used her pretty feet/toes to detangle and stroke your lush pelt of back hair.....

PELT FELT

BACK HAIR

Biking the Live Fantastic said...

I biked to work yesterday and lived to tell about it!

Comment deleted said...

Roille, I try not to delve too far into this despicable subculture, but I believe that all of your proposed variants have their proponents.

Pedal Masher said...

Actually had an old racing salmon come my way the other day. You hardly ever see those live to maturity.

DB said...

Leroy at 1:15 for the win.

samh said...

RTMS, claim what is rightfully yours! Take it way back to Tuesday, Dec. 18, 2007 when you wrote your "notes to the people I encounter on my commute" entitled "Dear Department Store Bike-Riding Salmon..."

Roille Figners said...

Asking for a friend.

Anonymous said...

Just a tip, the "Do you know who I am?" tactic works great in L.A. and has for generations.

The city's managers like the perks of entertainment industry access and PD bends over backwards to protect industry folks *far* worse than Alec.

Why is NYPD lacking so many famous "friends." The city has a huge entertainment industry.

McFly said...

Pedal Masher COD....

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:08pm,

New Yorkers take great pains not to give a shit about celebrities.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

DOURKE! Trout boiz!

Flyover BC said...

The token New Yorker in our office recently defined Salmon for me, after he saw me salmoning down a one-way alley.

He hasn't lived in NY for 15 years and he's never heard of you. Otherwise, the worst thing about the guy is that he's a recumbent enthusiast.

So, let's say that you popularized the term.


Anyway, as I always say, the life of a salmon may be short, but it ends with a climax.

JLRB said...

Everything is awesome

ge said...

Meh, majority of actors are attention whores anyway - he enjoyed it. Lesson here is you're not going to win an argument with a cop. Humour them and escalate your battle elsewhere or just get over it.

Anonymous said...

Good choice just showing a photo of Bill "Shake Spear" sniffing the feather that smells like ass.

I'm pretty sure the video would show him swirling it under his nose and then taking a taste of it.

Fredly Ad on's

Comment deleted said...

One learns early on to respect their authoritay. Despite it having very little to do with proper enforcement of the law, I suspect it's the reason the majority of them became cops in the first place.

CommieCanuck said...

New Yorkers take great pains not to give a shit about celebrities.

But, they take 45 minutes of senate discussion to pass a law that declares yogurt the official state snack.

Flyover BC said...

Courtesy of you know who you are, The best new word I've heard recently is

apocoloptimist

or however it is spelled...maybe apocoloptymyst

.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Flyover BC,

Oh no you don't. I invented the term "salmon" with regard to riding bikes. Deal with it.

Your friend at work may never have heard of me but that doesn't mean anything. If anything it's a testament to the enduring quality of my invention. People quote Shakespeare all the time too without realizing it.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

SCRANUS > SALMON

DB said...

Who came up with the word, Scranus?

Anonymous said...

I am patiently awaiting the day David Byrne uses "scranus" in a NYT op ed.

Spokey said...

leroy @ 11:54 AM

All my offspring have 4 initials. Didn't want 2 and 3 was simply unacceptable. I guess you're just jealous. think how much better your dog's emotional state would be if instead of just leroy's dog he knew himself as leroy's ass scratchin' dog.

The joy is that it has caused them trouble throughout the years as they try to deal with forms that only allow 1 middle name. Especially the gov forms that threaten your life if you don't correctly use the official hand printing character set.

Anonymous said...

some of your other inventions? scranus? how about shoaling, which I find to be very useful phrase with all of the citi-bikers rolling past me at stop lights and through the cross walk. that really irritates me.

crosspalms said...

Some scholars think Sir Francis Bacon actually wrote the works of Wildcat Rock Machine, and thus invented the term "salmon."

Other scholars say he was too busy inventing the Bacon cheeseburger to have done it. We report, you decide.

JLRB said...

Everything is still awesome

even if captcha won't give me numbers

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:46pm,

I did not invent the word "scranus."

I did invent "shoaling" with regard to cycling, which really did need a word, especially in New York.

But "salmon" remains my most accessible work to day.

Geniusly,

--Wildcat Rock Machine

BikeSnobNYC said...

I meant "to date."

--Wildcat, etc.

Anonymous said...

not just the salmoning. the washingtown post stoled your shoaling too. also they mentioned delis, so: http://www.washingtonpost.com/express/wp/2014/05/13/learn-this-etiquette-and-lingo-so-youre-ready-to-ride-in-d-c-s-bike-lanes/

Lob said...

I invented salmon to eat your little lobster babies, for I am a vengeful god. Deal with it.

Fish don't ride bicycles. Thus, I am affixing my official seal of disapproval to this bastardization of my wondrous and tasty creation.

JLRB said...

That Wash Post article is pretty good - and it even includes a link to BSNYC where the term Shoal was coined - but - adding to the intrigue - the article links elsewhere for salmon.

As they are opening a new bike lane in front of my office I am going to irritate everyone here with copies...

JLRB said...

"You might note that drivers who hit a cyclist in D.C. can be fined $500 and get six points on their license."

Big woop dee doo

JLRB said...

What would happen if captcha went away? Would this blog really be invaded by borgs?

nn looks a lot like m and trying to tell a t from an i from an l sux. Maybe I should get back to work

grog said...

OOOO BABE

BikeSnobNYC said...

JLRB,

Yes, that's why I had to put it there in the first place, it was becoming Spamageddon in here.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Flyover BC said...

BSNYC,

You win. It may be true that the NYC'er knows your term, without knowing it's source. That and because you have the official attribution in Urban Dictionary.

I first heard it in about 1995, in reference to driving against the flow of traffic. Out here in flyover country we think everything is an old joke, which seems fresh and innovative every time you use it a recent immigrant or impressionable child.

Flyover BC said...

BTW

the malapropisms in this post hint at genius.

Anonymous said...

Rolle - a real news headline would be "Baldwin Doesn't Freak Out!"

cycle

JB said...

100? What do I win?

Anonymous said...

thank you for your words! Very thoughtful and insightful. What is the best way to parallel park an automobile, if there is a bicycle approaching from behind?

Good times on cialsis, enzyte, viagra, boner pills.
http://pinsta.me/p/461103080872466063_381993956

Comment deleted said...

Anonymous (if I understand your sincere question correctly) if a bicyclist is taking you from behind, the best approach is just to bend over and relax.

Especially if they are taking the spamalicious fake boner pills that you are selling.

David G said...

Wait until the Koch brothers put their billions behind the anti-Snob-coined-salmon denialists. These pathetic losers in the comments will be on all channels, and the world will be headed for doom because of environmental collapse and the who-invented-bikesalmon thing.

McFly said...

Salmoning the Vaginal Shoreline is good times. Plus you don't normally get a dirty look. Just some dirty talk.

ge said...

ALEC BALDWIN BUSTED IN NYC For Illegal Biking

Oh great, now every NYPD cop who watches TMZ, will have all the confirmation they need that biking in NYC is illegal.

Anonymous said...

http://www.washingtonmessage.com/uploads/33e75ff09dd601bbe69f351039152189.gif

DB said...

Jeez, Kenny, hasn't the mailman been there yet?

crosspalms said...

WCRM
I remember Spamageddon being responsible for a comment that cracked me up. There were 8 or 10 spam comments in a row in what looked like Japanese, then an anon who posted "easy for you to say."

Anonymous said...

EZ for u to say

Anonymous said...

Spam is the has gives ball cancer of blog world.

Kenny said...

THE PACKAGE ARRIVED! THE PACKAGE ARRIVED!!

Sadly, this blog is blocked at my office this week, so I will post my adventure in opening it somewhere and figure out a way for you all to see what happened.

IT IS A BOX THAT IS NOT LIGHT AND MAY INCLUDE MORE THAN A PICTURE OF A TEARDROP-HELMETTED FRED!!

More to come...

Fredrik Jönsson said...

"Salmoning" is gaining ground here in Sweden as well in the translated form "laxa" (lax = salmon).

Dooth said...

An actress/celeb to whom I put the moves on said to me, "do I know you?" And I replied, "don't you know me?" To which she said, "no, I don't "...(she knew me).

DB said...

That's great Kenny!
Can't wait for the photos.

Proud of you, Snob. Way to come through and make Kenny's life worth living.

Anonymous said...

Mark Weir's grom is getting the run bike thing dialed...

Anonymous said...

don't know jack about that shakeyspear dude, but wouldn't it be:

but if you wax him, doth he not wince?

Flyover BC said...

David G..

I wish I could get some backing from the Koch brothers. I'd even settle for some George Soros money, even if had to be laundered through any of a huge number of his front operations.

The Dictionary Dick said...

It is my melancholy duty to inform the Snobbysphere that the Snobby Dictionary Compendium Project Handy Reference Book Project Book has been abandoned.

You see, it has come to my attention that Snobby invented the word "salmon", but did not invent the word "sranus".

This is a revelation that has shookened me to the very core as it invalidates all the beliefs and values that I held dear and were guiding me.

As I'm sure can be readily appreciated, continuing to produce the Snobby Dictionary under these circumstances is untenable.

I apologise to the battalions of potential purchasers of the dictionary.

As a parting gesture of goodwill, I gift to the Snobbyphere the last word ever to have been processed for inclusion in the aborted dictionary:

- "Trank" -

JLRB said...

Trank you very much

McFly said...

Kenny,

Do not I repeat DO NOT CUT THE RED WIRE....

Anonymous said...

Cyclists: Red and Green - Learn the bloody difference!!

Anonymous said...

What's the bet Snobby has sent Kenny a bunch of his books?

As if Kenny would prefer that to a nice piece of machinery.

Just post a picture of the look of disappointment on your face when you open the package, Kenny, that way we'll know you got the books.

As for the artwork; laminate it, and use it as a spoke card.

ge said...

Kenny, wear your sunglasses in case one of those Blinders accidentally goes off.

but if thou dost wax him, doth he not wince?

DB said...

I'm thinking Kenny will ride to work tomorrow wearing his new Brooks cycling jacket, his new Walz cap, sit on his new Brooks saddle blinding folks with his new Knog lights on his new Rivendale bike. He'll be recording his ride with the new Fly6. He'll send his new child to the Apple factory to work and Snob is down to sixteen (16) kids.

Anonymous said...

jeeze: give this guy a day off and he comes back on fire!

bet he's wearing his new "khakhis", too

Anonymous said...

nice 'cumbabe

BOOB EEEZ

Bogusboy said...

Well, y'know, actually Mr Baldwin wasn't arrested for salmoning. He was arrested for behaving like an arrogant dick when the cop attempted to give him a ticket for salmoning. Apparently the officer didn't immediately recognize Mr Baldwin's god-like status as a megacelebrity. Boy, I'll bet that lit him up good.

Crimony, Snob, if he'd been driving an SUV you'd have been all over his ass. But because he's riding a bike, he's just another hapless victim of the iron-soled boot of oppression?

Alec's got the message: New York sucks. He's moving to LA. I bet things will be a lot better there.

Anonymous said...

Bogusboy, you probably meant to say, that he was arrested when he try to protest stupid cop, when cop behave like an arrogant dick trying to give ticket for salmoning.
For last 5 years that i am commuting - i never witness or heard about driver that was stop for endangering cyclist.

dancesonpedals said...

riding your bike the wrong way up fifth avenue* is dickish behavior, which will bring police attention. What happens after you've gotten such attention is subject to many, variables, including the mood of the officer & how stupidly you behave.

*this is a very busy street

Anonymous said...

thanks danceson for informing me about 5 ave. I am commuting to Manhattan, midtown daily on streets!

Imho, arresting or even ticketing for salmoning is so stupid and arrogant, so no avenue excuse is good. I have first hand experience with cops and their attitude to bike riders.!
just because someone do not like this Alec guy - there is no reason to behave like NY City cops behave

Anonymous said...

Lucky Alec wasn't in Kent, WA where a perp got tased for not wearing a helment ... while the perp was still riding ... you know, to keep him from hurting himself.

http://www.kentreporter.com/news/258036131.html

rover215 said...

Being "taken downtown to be identified"- just how in the hell is that done? Do they go to Google and type in Hunt for Red October? All my chips in- they (obviously) knew who the fuck he was. Was he belligerent? I'm 100% sure he got mouthy and said "fag" or something. I don't care how big a dick (or ass) someone is, arresting someone for "salmoning" is a chicken-shit move.

JB said...

More fun from the Kent Reporter:

"A man Tasered March 3 by Kent Police reportedly wasn't fazed by it, going so far as to pull the Taser dart out of his stomach, chewing and licking it a bit."

Anonymous said...

^^^
I'll get you, bitch."

Betsy Beach said...

Snob-

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2014/05/15/312455673/dont-salmon-dont-shoal-learning-the-lingo-of-safe-cycling?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=npr&utm_term=nprnews&utm_content=20140514

No credit?

Mr Miyagi said...

Wax on, wax off.

balls™ said...

I've been on vacation and didn't keep up with this fine establishment while I was gone. So, imagine my surprise to come back and find that the comments seem to be mostly free of anal sex, pegging and masturbation.

At least Babble gave us a brief story about her nipple, but the rest of you...

JLRB said...

"The man told police he kept riding because he feared cops after police had used excessive force against him during a previous incident."

Pedal faster next time crackhead

JLRB said...

I once made the mistake of having a "discussion" with a police officer. Never again. Going to jail for arguing with a cop - they have the gun and badge and can make things shitty for you quick. A very memorable event.

In my defense, I was in my early 20's. Alec the Fish is 55. Somehow he has been insulated from reality long enough to not have learned. But yeah, spending tax dollars to "take someone downtown" over a salmon ticket is ridickless.

dancesonpedals said...

my footnote that fifth avenue is a busy street was snarkasm. (I have hopes of future immortality via urdan DICKtionary for that neologism)

My point is that he he acted like a DICK. It's one thing to cross against the light or go the wrong way on a cross street rather than ride around the block, but in the middle of the day, in front of the cops, that'sjust DICKish. Ma Gump always said Dickish is as Dickish does, now I admit that's a lot of dicks you might ask if that's necessary? I would say yes

Anonymous said...

fuck all ya'll

streepo said...

Let me get this straigth:
You date salmon on the shoals?

streepo said...

pardon my lithp

omocesi but

babble on said...

Heyyyyyyyy, I know Biggus Dickus! He's my very best friend! :D

Alec Baldwin said...

FUCK YOU GUYS!!!! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!

FAGS!!!!!

dancesonpedals said...

he has a wife you know..

Anonymous said...

I think it's legal to bicycle against traffic on one-way streets wider than 40 feet in New York City. Fifth Avenue is wider than this. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycling_in_New_York_City#cite_note-41

Dyslexic Old Man said...

Get my lawn off!

Tubby Tubby 2 X 4 said...

Yo mamma so big, she got stuck when she tried to salmon down 5th avenue.

dancesonpedals said...

Just read the wiki article cited above..,.it doesn't say wrong-way riding is permitted..

"Cyclists must ride in the direction of traffic. On one-way streets 40 feet or wider, they may ride on either the left or right side."

it does not mean what you think it means

Abe Vigoda said...

I thought I was the only Fish in town

Peter said...

If you go back to the urban dictionary definition your definition is now #2.

b said...

Have we settled the issue of the paternity of salmon yet? Do I have to read all these comments or should I just wait till WCRM supplies me with some lunch time reading?

Advice?

Buffalo Bill said...

also, b is the guy on the second step of today's podium, for what that's worth.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Early bicycles.
http://gizmodo.com/20-crazy-rides-from-the-dawn-of-the-bicycle-1575579680
Nothing is new, check out the 1914 recumbent.

SCAT MENG said...

Peter said...

If you go back to the urban dictionary definition your definition is now #2.


Bike Snob's definition is indeed Number Two. On the Bristol Scale as well.

Anonymous said...

Do you really believe you made up the term 'salmon' and 'shoal' to refer to cyclists? A shoal has probably been applied to groups of things other than fish since it was invented. You are just applying shoal to a group of something other than fish but not changing the meaning in anyway. It's almost the same with 'salmon'. Any thing that goes against the grain or swims upstream has probably been compared to salmon. To invent something new in language, you actually have to come up with something novel, not just apply a word usually describing a group fish to a group of people. For instance, Shakespeare used words that had NO accepted definition.