Monday, May 5, 2014

Riding Connected: Smart phones, dumb bicycles.

First of all, just so you know:


By the way, I flipped the sign over and it continued thusly:

Or, if you prefer, please feel free to wait for us to finish paving in our lushly-appointed pop-up lounge:


I chose the latter, so feel free to drop by and say hello at any point during the next two weeks.  Put your feet up and stay awhile.  We can order a pizza!

Meanwhile, if people don't stop trying to "simplify" the goddamn bicycle I give it a few more years before people abandon them altogether, because if I were a novice cyclist and all that was available to me was crap like this I'd make the logical choice and say, "Fuck it, I'm leasing a Hyundai."


"Nothing compares to the simple pleasure of a bike ride," the video begins:


Yet for some reason they seem to have decided "Screw that," and instead come up with this complicated and impractical"connected" bike that starts at $1,049 and is made out of plastic:


So how do you ride a connected bike, and how does it simplify cycling?

Well, first you "portage" it from the drive side and ruin your shirt:


(Guess they're trying to push that crabon belt drive "stretch goal.")

Then, you take your smartphone out of your khakis:


And proceed to open the "Ride Planner:"


Because you need all the help you can get in order to ride your plastic bicycle in beautiful weather for about eight (8) blocks:


Once you're rolling, little lights on your minimal crabon handlebar tell you which way to turn, because you're an idiot:


Also, the bicycle has "blind spot detection," which looks suspiciously like a "rider flatulence alert:"


"Blind spot detection" is crucial on a connected bike, because if you're dumb enough to need directions from your handlebars to undertake a 10 minute trip, you're also the sort of Pavlovian putz who will initiate a turn the very instant the green light starts blinking--at which point your cockpit will start to vibrate in warning:


Ironically, the bicycle industry has spent years trying to convince us that we need crabon components in order to eliminate vibration, and now these geniuses are telling us the exact opposite.

Who do I believe???

Even more ironically, while this connected bike will plan your ride, give you directions, alert others to your flatulence, and vibrate when you're about to turn into an SUV and die, it does not appear to have any brakes:


Though admittedly they are listed in the specs:


(What's a "calliper?")

I guess the guy in the video just likes to go "brakelless," because he's such an awesome rider.

Anyway, incredibly this doofus makes it to work, at which point he analyses his eight-block ride on his laptop, smartphone, and smart watch--you know, because he's all about the simplicity:


Sometimes it's hard to fish your smartphone out of your khakis while you're sitting, and a smart watch saves you the trouble of having to stand up for half a second.

By the way, I'm no aesthete, but if I'm spending over a thousand dollars on a bicycle I'd at least like something a little cleaner than this "throwing a hot dog down a hallway" fork/headtube junction:


("Hello-o-o-o-o?  Echo-o-o-o-o!!!")

Still, that's a small sacrifice in order to ride a bicycle that will use the power of social networking to alert "the community" of potholes, blocked lanes, and other road hazards:


If I'm riding with someone I will obviously go out of my way to point out a pothole, but as far as buying a bunch of expensive crap just to improve a bunch of strangers' riding experience, I'm firmly in the "Fuck that, you're on your own" camp.

Ooh, look, he farted again!


Just kidding--that's the theft-detection system, because it goes without saying that it's only a matter of time before Pavlovian putz's expensive city bike gets stolen, at which point it's the "community's" job to help him find it.

Yes, when it comes to cycling, it takes a village to remain, on an individual level, a bunch of clueless dorks.

Then the video goes on to explain how "carefully considered" the bicycle is:


If by "carefully considered" you mean "fitted by a sales floor team member at Target."

But the very best part of owning a connected bike is coming home at the end of a long day, sitting in your wanking chair, and "foffing off" over your stats:


Wow, almost nine kilometers!


"Totally killed it, bro:"


So to recap, this "simple" city bike is equipped with all of the following "essential" features:


Though if you want, like, a rack or some fenders, well tough shit.

One thing's for certain though, which is that there's no shortage of people who are dying to ride bicycles yet are too stupid to actually do it, because they've raked in a shitload of money so far:


Personally, I'm waiting for a pennyfarthing option.

109 comments:

Roille Figners said...

Monday

Flyover BC said...

Podium

Clancy Anderson said...

That couch is prime for some Geo-couching. https://www.facebook.com/bike.geocouching

Buffalo Bill said...

woot?


ctiwit lordship

Anonymous said...

ECHO ECHO ECHO echo echo

I hate your face!

Comment deleted said...

Global moroning is reaching crisis levels!

Pablo Fleece said...

I touched my Shimano Caliope Breaks in the sprint...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Top Ten

ken e. said...

hello houston!

crosspalms said...

I think they meant calliope brakes. They don't actually stop the bike, but they make so much noise everybody steers clear of you.

Anonymous said...

Any endorsements for coming in 11th?

cycle

Flyover BC said...

We clueless dorks resent being called villagers.

BTW I don't need a special device to notify others of my flatulence. I came fully equipped with an auditory and olfactory notification system.

muriatic akeabit: It'll make your eyes burn.

dcee604 said...

off the podium today...

Todd Morris said...

Yay another fixie... Why else is he carrying it everywhere? plus when he takes off at the beginning you see the pedals start moving when he moves the bike. Explains so much. Now if only it was artisinal...

Anonymous said...

I want the saddle to vibrate, not the handlebars. I like all warnings and directions to be delivered through my scranus.

babble on said...

LOL! Flatulence alert...

Roille Figners said...

Too many morons. And so far to go until Peak Moron.

Anonymous said...

Heaven help us!

3G said...

Awesome!

Kenny Banya said...

I've got nothin'

Anonymous said...

Pure gold!

commentatorbot_93744345 said...

Can I haz that turn indicator gadget?

Gimmie some blinky lights to tell me which way to go in new places and I'll be staring at my stem like a Pro.

I can imagine some other waaaaay more Fredly whoo-hoo speed applications for it too.

Maybe that's just me.

Anonymous said...

Does the bike alert you when you are watching porn on your smartphone?

James said...

Complicated is the new simplicity. Technology is my master.

Captcha says I should wait for the next edexit.

Anonymous said...

http://www.sexshop365.co.uk/catalog/vibrators-401/novelty-vibrators-402/happy-ride-vibrating-bike-seat-14395.html

Comment deleted said...

Makers of fixies and sitcoms should be required to purchase moron offset credits.

bk jimmy said...

On just one of those days the bike lane will be closed for two weeks. Trippy!

ouabacher said...

I prefer calypso brakes. Those things could stop a banana boat!

mikeweb said...

Nice job on the top step, RF.

Anonymous said...

Is it bike to work week or something here in NYC, saw a lot more people than usual on bikes today. that particular area of the hudson greenway was closed for like 6 months and only recently opened back up, so they are closing it again?

Anonymous said...

I guess you could always just got an i-phone mount for your handle bars and save yourself about $1,000.

Anonymous said...

Coming to a bicycle lane near you soon.

http://rynomotors.com/

JB said...

Over-designed bike meeting minutes:

A: We are going to put blinky lights someplace to alert the rider that they need to turn, or that a nearby bar has a new IPA on tap.

B: Where should we put the blinky lights?

C: Let's recess them inside the handlebars! Built-in is like cool and stuff.

B: Ok! Where on the handlebars would be best? We will have to drill holes in the crabon fibra.

C: Well, according to my engineer friend, the highest tensile forces would be in the top of the handlebar.

A & B, in unison: Let's drill the holes there!

Matthew said...

Not that I wish to defend the purveyors of utterly pointless bicycles, but "calliper" is an alternative (British/Commonwealth) spelling, it's not wrong.

trama said...

great review. Thinking you kind of went easy on the crabon hotdog in the hallway mess.

I perused the C-listings for $1200 motorcycles, and you can get some pretty amazing contraptions capable of hauling ass all over the dang place, with blinkies and lights and cargo all built in. Just sayin. some even have belt drives, some have shaft drives. Holy crap!

Fred of the Sea said...

My bum wad dispenser keeps track of my usage and posts it to Facebook. I NEED a bike that buzzes and blinks to simplify my life!

Incidentally, being a sail-Fred puts the bike crap in some perspective.

Anonymous said...

Ride a bike to work or school day is this friday. I am going to get some free pancakes and some phone numbas.

DB said...

That bike looks like an old Kestral frame.

Anonymous said...

I miss the bro snob!

McFly said...

I call BS on the poot illustrations.

Peddalin'-N-Fartin' is a lot like love.....if you have to force it....it's probably crap.

Roille Figners said...

DAAAY O
da-a-ay-o

Thanks mikeweb, I love you.
(GAAAY O
ga-a-ay-o)

JB not just on the top, but right at the stem where the bending is strongest. All in favor? AYE. Good job guys, now go enjoy a Brawndo!

Roille Figners said...

a byooteeful bunch a carbon fiba
(daylight come and me wan go home)
hide de deadly bunch a jive-a
(daylight come and me wan go home)

Regular guy said...

That bike does not vibrate, it has haptic feedback.

Rode through the toniest part of town this weekend, scoping out the water level in the creek for an upcoming paddle. Saw a fine looking older woman dressed in tight jeans and jacket and a jaunty cap walk to a gleaming black Dutch bike with a paper bag and a take out pizza.

No rack on the bike.

She sets the pizza on the sidewalk and puzzles over the bag for awhile, then does the "roll the top of the bag around the handlebar a few times" trick,
then tries to pick up the pizza.

Hmm.

Well, she had the bag problem figured out, so she can undo it and pick up the pizza, then wrap the bag around the bar with one hand.

Unfortunately the light changed and I went on my way. Would have enjoyed watching her try to wobble to and fro down the street.

The bike was apparently left unlocked while she did her errands.

She was attractive, though, so I really should have helped her out. Could have offered to handle her pie. Never know what might have transpired.

babble on said...

Yes! Podium kisses!! XX

There are a lot more people out on bikes here in Vancouver these days, too... there is definietly an uptick in our overall numbers. :D

Fred of the Sea - yes. Living on a boat you have to be ruthless about what you really "need."

Here's something every Fred needs, though he probably doesn't know it yet: go-go tabs

Fre Unchio said...

The guy in the video lives a sad and lonely life, it appears. Leaves empty house to ride to empty office. Returns to empty house to sit alone with his data.

Telegram Sam said...

Can it wirelessly transmit my cortado order to the nearest artisan coffee purveyors? I'd pay at least another $200 for that.

Flyover BC said...

He's sitting alone with his datum.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Telegram Sam... that technology will only sell in portland.

...according to captcha, he who drinks cortado is a 'happy Bogisl'

Jeff S said...

Calliper means "invisible".

JLRB said...

I'm waiting for the Wal-Mart version

BamaPhred said...

Rider flatulence alert? Load me up on cabbage and I'll sound like a foghorn.

ge said...

Smart phones, dumb bicycles? Smart Bike, stupid rider.

Of course you could just get vibrating insoles for your shoes to give you directions so you can keep your damn eyes on the road. Keep your existing bike and gives you directions off the bike too.

How'd we ever find our way without GPS? It's just amazing we're not all still living in Africa.

Fred of the Sea said...

Datum? I hardly know-um!

Babble, I don't live on my boat, but in a house with two cars that I own. However, I am very happy someone thinks I might.

Fergie said...

Hmmm, did I see that very couch while slaying the 5 boro bike tour yesterday? Judging by the teal helment cover of the riders in the background, it may be...

Anyway, another 5 boro security shit-show! I rode the Penny Farthing, and had lots of fun, but what the fuck is up with the crazy police state shit? I can drive a fucking car anywhere I want, but a camelback is too dangerous? Idiots!

Best part was taking a lap of the new pump track (OK, not on the P-Far) in the Dumbo area. NYC MTB did a great job on that one!

Anonymous said...

Regular guy, not knowing what a "jaunty cap" is, I google. top row of results yields what may be an image of your pizza lady. Behold: http://pokerknave.com/files/2010/04/www.jpg



elusive sawnz is not ilersv sounds

commentator_cheezeWhiz said...

Before there was GPS for all, I never left the house.

NYC has a real pump track? I'd imagine the city to use bumpy rollers in a cage covered in signs reading "This may be your last ride ever. riding NYC pump track will result in injury or death."

Why no post about the Tour de Five Borough? Fredly stench too strong? Are you too tired from pumping up other people's tires?

babble on said...

Fred. Ah. Sigh...

Sniff. The romance is gone.

DB said...

I'm with you, Cheeze Whiz.
I was ready for the 5 Boro Smackdown posting today.
Snob is probably busy getting it prepared for tomorrow.
I'm hoping for a SnobGranFondue Ride sometime.

Anonymous said...

That's 185,800 Canadian Dollars, which is equivalent to 521 CyberCoins, which is equivalent to $39.50 US (real) money.

CommieCanuck said...

This bike will sell. Why? Because people buy shit like the NEST thermostat, not because it doesn't do anything a $40 programmable thermostat can't, because it's all WiFi and round and shiny and aluminummy and you can whip out your iFone on a date (iFone is the new tiny penis) and impress the fuck out of your date by turning up your heat to get her clothes off later, or turning it down to just see her nipples, but not too far to induce shrinkage.

The internets of stuff is like a wifi voodoo doll of the future. I dream of the say I can drop and epic deuce and flush from the next country.

WIFI DUCH

Euro Spondee said...

Can someone enlighten me about the 'haptic feedback'? It sounds like one of those spam catcher things. The place where hasidic and coptic meet?

Regular guy said...

Here is another view of the headtube and fork.

Cripes, for over a thousand, I would expect more than an Ashtabula fork.

Anonymous said...

Haptic feedback datum devices haves gives ball cancer.

crosspalms said...

Roille,
Robot liked your song: saw wondayo

Flyover BC said...

If anyone hassles you about a hydration pack tell them it's vertebrae protector. It works like those water filled crash barriers near overpasses.

Fredder said...

Not in anyway related to your current post other than that these bikes are actually useful.

http://www.lowtechmagazine.com/2014/05/modular-cargo-cycles.html#more

Fre Unchio said...

Yes, Euro, it is as you guessed. It can be a very unnerving experience when you come near the places the Hasidim and Coptic meet. It is best to have some sort of warning as you ride near, so as to make haste in the opposite direction. Therefore Haptic feedback is recommended. The discordant vibes can loosen your locknuts.

Bruce Golla said...


YES! what he said! AAAHAHA!
Global moroning is reaching crisis levels!

Anonymous said...

http://rynomotors.com/

WTF

"that being said we have test rode it all around Portland....and nobody cared."

Test riding the RYNO in Portland is like shiting on the floor in a crack house. It is normal to be a complete douche.

Bo-Dilly Herm

Dr. Donald Trump said...

Global moroning is bullshit.

Matt said...

I tried some of the rare Shimano "Clapper" brakes back in the day. You'd sit up, clap your hands, brakes would go on. Worked great except for all the fucking faceplants.

CommieCanuck said...

Rynos are awesome, $5300, and you have insure them, all to go a whopping 12 mph. Pretty much like any dentist's Cervelo.

JB said...

I had some fried chicken last night that I can't stop thinking about. It was like sexytimes in my mouth. Ate the rest of it for lunch today. You know how mice will ingest cocaine until they die. I would eat this chicken until my heart exploded.

It's finger lickin', finger lickin' good y'all;
finger lickin', I lick it lick it good y'all.

DB said...

Euro:
In my limited experience, I think the place where Hasids and coptics meet is called Long Island City.

Anonymous said...

How far cycling has come:


The newspaper described scorchers as cyclists "who delight to whirl around corners without warning and sweep down upon the unwary on a crossing, with a laugh at the alarm they cause and only a very slight fear of the police.

http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2014-05-03/news/ct-bicycle-craze-flashback-0427-20140503_1_bicycles-bikes-cyclists

WIZ !! JAY said...

Holy fuck Vancawks Galore raised $14,000 CAD for their fund since the post earlier today!?! (This assumes Mr Snob hastily screen shot and imbedded the kickstarter image second before posting). There's only 4 Vancawks involved, so like $900/hr each for the afternoon. Not bad, even for Canadians.

Anonymous said...

What is this? Kickstarter criticism blog. Hint: we all know where kickstarter is, we can all read it for ourselves.

Anonymous said...

CommieCanuck- The Nest thermostat is actually pretty cool and not like the usual stupid smart stuff. It not only mediates the thermostat settings/timings, a miracle itself when you live with a spouse, but it knows if anyone's even at home or not and will shut down the furnace/ac if not. Ever leave on vacation and forget the thermostat among all of the pre departure details? This "overpriced" gadget has paid for itself in fuel (it is overpriced nonetheless) and if nothing else, has eliminated a TON of wasted carbon emissions. I don't think I'm going to bite on the Nest carbon monoxide detector, however.

ouabacher said...

Yes, I know where it is, but I'm lazy, so I tune in here for the highlights.

Anonymous said...

STFU
anonymous May 5, 2014 at 5:50 PM

The Dictionary Dick said...

Hey, North Americans, were was that video shot? I'm wondering because in one scene we see this huge hill that looks like San Francisco, but the streets look much too clean and civil so maybe it's somewhere in Canadia.

Anyway, the point is, such a hilly city is no place for a fixie, and certainly not a brakelless one.

If you were still unsure about the nous of the creators of this thing, that should be enough to tip the scales. Nice video, but.

Also, I'm pleased to announce the induction of the newly minted word "brakelless" into the Snobby dictionary.

Anonymous said...

I got a butt load of wasted carbon emissions. They are kind of expensive, what with the price of broccoli these days. But plain old cabbage is waaay cheaper, and works just as well.

Anyway, I need to add some counter point to Roille Figners comments about about sex and farts.

If they come way too easy, they're probably crap too.

Allez Cat said...

Looking at the picture on the Kickstarter home page, the 'Valour' looks like it could use a limp chain alert option on the intuitive app.

ouabacher said...

Limp chain. Now there's a band name

Sprocket said...

Is Limp Chain on Linkedin?

Sprocket said...

Let me tell you, limp or not, anyone trying to pull off a chain sell with me will need to have a pretty good pitch.

Sprocket said...

Let me tell you, limp or not, anyone trying to pull off a chain sell with me will need to have a pretty good pitch.

Y.K. Goml said...

Hey Snob, I'm with Anon 5:50. In fact, why write a blog at all, we can look all this shit up ourselves. Because we've got all fucking day and nothing better to do than to sift through all the crap on the internet to find 10 minutes of good stuff. Yeah.

dried lanemst - yeah, that's what we are robot overlord.

Mr Nofish said...

I'll be damned if that isn't an off-the-self frame design they just bought from some chinese factory, it's just the matching fork was too expensive.

Fart detector made me smile, though.

Bogusboy said...

Just when you think it couldn't possibly get any dumber....

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 5:50pm,

We all know what a supermarket is too but sometimes it's just easier to go to a deli and let someone make you a sandwich.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

RoadQueen said...

Hellz to the yes on the sandwich.

DFL

Fred of the Sea said...

I have never craved a blog post in quite the way I have hankered for thin-sliced smoked reindeer and bierkäse with pickled beets, endive, and dill crème fraiche on Munzenmaier's pumpernickel, but I have some years yet to live.

Fre Unchio said...

Dictionary Dick, what's with the "nous" crap, you and those CyclingNews wussies are always going on about?

We don't use that kind of language here.

And I think the brakelless was a typo. Supposed to be Brikell-less and refers to what Paul Simon should be. That woman should pick on someone her own size.

Nacnud said...

Anonymous @ 1:58 PM

Followed the link to the rinobike.

All I can say is that if that is the future of personal transportation we are so fucked.

Who's is for?

It's for artiiY according to the robot.

Nacnud said...

d'oh!

Who is it for?

Pathetic attempt at robot humour (no corrections please, that's the way we spell it here)foiled by vertical non compliance of brain and fingers.

Anonymous said...

"throwing a hot dog down a hallway."

That was really funny.

Anonymous said...

༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ(_̅_̅_̅_̅_̲̅м̲̅a̲̅я̲̅i̲̅j ̲̅u̲̅a̲̅n̲̅a̲̅_̅_̅_̅()ด้้้้้็็็็็้้้้้็็็็็้้้้้้้้็็็็็้้้้้็็็็็้้้้้้้้็็็็็้้้้้็็็็็้้้้้้้้็็็็็้

Anonymous said...

BⓞⓞBIES

wishiwasmerckx said...

What does a man with a microscopic penis have for breakfast?



Well, today I have bran flakes with blueberries and rice milk.

McFly said...

That Wanking Chair is a horrible color for foffing off.

OFFW HITE

Anonymous said...

This blog would be more meaningful and relevant if it discussed tongue scrapers and sold supplements.

Ken Kovar said...

FYI Snob, yet another ridiculous re-invention of the wheel:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1smviwN02o

Dooth said...

Haptic feedback happens when the "rider flatulence alert" detects a septic fart, and feeds the offensive odor back to the hapless rider.

Daddy Warbucks said...

I'm always amazed at how much money these "crowdsoucing" funding schemes manage to raise. Makes Wall Street look honest.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Thanks for the diet advice, CJ.

Oh, and you might want to wipe the semen from my tiny dick off your chin before venturing out into public this morning.

Anonymous said...

let's see: no gears, no rack, no fenders, crabon fiber, and a bunch of connected bs (haptic feedback?) Yeah sounds like a great commuter bicycle for pedaling that 8 blocks in nice weather to a spot you can whack off with your iPhone.

Anonymous said...

I am thinking about making a blog out of your comments section.... This is some good material.

Anonymous said...

Such a useless and overly critical blog post. Your arguments and opinions are unsupported. Impeccable use of fallacies, though. Don't be an asshole.

Here's an idea: Go write something of value; or, instead of complaining about new tech, go invent something yourself. At least these guys are trying to build something productive and not just working on a godforsaken social media app.

...But, you'll probably just sit at your computer and write more terrible posts.