Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Let's Get Baronial!

In yesterday's post, I expressed bewilderment over the word "calliper:"


Subsequently, a reader pointed out that this is the British variant of the word "caliper."  That makes sense, since the inventors of that dumbass bike appear to be Canadian, and for some reason Canada prefers to import its spellings from across the Atlantic instead of simply sharing them with their slovenly roommate to the south:


I can't say I really blame them for not sharing with us, because if we let them use the word "caliper" then it wouldn't be long before we started demanding free health care in return, and before you know it Canada's got to put sticky labels on everything in the fridge because the USA never pays for its own groceries.

Nevertheless, I am relatively sure that there's no such thing as "caned soda:"


Incidentally, in addition to a refreshing "caned soda," the food cart upon which this sign was posted also sold me the World's Least Epic Burrito, which turned out to contain only lettuce and trace amounts of what I really hope was some kind of cheese.

I kept eating, hoping all the good stuff was somehow concentrated in the middle of the burrito, but by the time I got to the end I had to come to terms with the fact that I'd basically just eaten a salad wrap.

We do lots of things good here in New York, but burritoes ain't one of them.*

*[All grammer and spealing 100% domesticaly soarced in the USA.]

Speaking of street commerce and getting taken, I was riding through Central Park yesterday, my stomach cramping from half a pound of wet lettuce, and for the first time I noticed that the pedicabs charge $3 per minute:


This means that, at a leisurely clip, a single trip around the park would cost a tourist something like $90.

I may have to undercut them and start riding people around Central Park on my Big Dummy for a mere $2.50 a minute while pointing out all the key landmarks, like the "Ghostbusters" building and where John Lennon got shot by the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.  Maybe I can even work out a deal with that burrito vendor wherein my customers get a voucher for a free "caned soda" with their "burrito."  Not only will this be extremely lucrative, but schlepping rubes around the park all day long will get me in the best shape of my life and prepare me for Total Strava Domination.

Speaking of speed, don't you hate how smug people look when they've got a tailwind?


They've always got this pleased look plastered on their faces, and the worst part about it is that most of them don't even realize they have a tailwind--they just think they're awesome.  I know this because I do the same thing all the time.  There I am spinning effortlessly along the greenway at 34mph with my hands resting comfortably on the bar tops, marveling at my own speed and thinking somehow I've managed to parlay weeks of drinking and half-assed mountain bike exploits into race-winning form.

Then as I'm grimacing into that headwind on the way home it all makes sense, and that parade of beatific expressions mocks me the entire way.

In fact, sometimes I get so angry I break two laws at once:


Here in America, our infrastructure is in such sorry shape that riding a 20lb bicycle over a massive bridge while taking a photograph can cause it to collapse:


Pedaling across the span, my finger trembled as I pressed the "shutter button" on my smartphone, yet when I opened my eyes again I was amazed to find that the bridge still stood and I had not yet met my end:


Of course, while riding a bike over this bridge is forbidden for some reason, it's perfectly fine to drive over the bike and pedestrian path on the 59th Street Bridge--especially if you have a special license plate and a Mercedes:



Hey, after a hard day of being a judge or whatever it is that license plate means, you shouldn't have to sit in car traffic on the bridge to unwind at Scandals:


Oh, also, did you know Scandals is hiring?  I saw it on their website.  In fact, I just applied using this photo:


To paraphrase a certain governor, "Time for some naked recumbent problems in Queens Plaza."

Lastly, here's an email I received about young people saving the world or whatever:

The World's Smallest Café a reality!


Hi! 
Two weeks ago it was just a crazy idea. An open source, ecological way to take on the fast food giants. 
Today we've sold our bicycle cafés to 8 countries, are fully funded on IndieGoGo and orders keep pouring in. (Read here)

It is unbelivable! The start of a revolution, and we are deeply humble. 
THANK YOU!!

Uh, you're welcome...?

Anyway, here's the video:


I have no doubt that tiny human-powered coffee carts are going to save humanity from extinction, yet three (3) things make me uncomfortable:

1) The way the narrator says "coffee."  [CAH-fee.]
2) I'm pretty sure at one point he said ther "cah-fee" is "served without fuzz," from which I can only conclude I've been drinking coffee with fuzz.
2) The fact that this is developed by the "Nordic Society for Invention and Discovery," which sounds like a euphemism for something blond and insidious.

Then again, a combination coffee cart/pedicab would probably net me a small fortune in Central Park, and at $3,000 it's cheaper than the average crabon Fred chariot.

May have to add one to the fleet.

109 comments:

Anonymous said...

POOP DUMM
GOLD ????

Anonymous said...

PODIUM??

Anonymous said...

Well fuck it, if no one's going to show, I'll grab third too....

minim said...

Pode!?

replacementhorsesnobnyc said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rudimentary peni said...

You're channeling Dan Quayle with your tongue-in-cheek food misspellings, Snob. It really pushes my shudder button.

ge said...

Oh man! We're Felix? I wanna be Oscar. That's it, I'm packing my bags and moving into my underpants. On second thought, that doesn't sound appealing. Carry on Canada's underpants.

DB said...

Top ten.
Not too shabby.

Anonymous said...

My Scranus in your face...top 10?

BamaPhred said...

Still reeling from coffee with fuzz, or maybe I'm suffering from a coffee fuzz.

JLRB said...

Scrodium

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The fuzz likes donuts with their coffee.

le Correcteur said...

Early, and there's already 12 in front of me? Unlucky 13 it is!

Regular guy said...

Perhaps the "caned" soda is made with real cane sugar, not that high fructose corn hole sweetener.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Tahp twenty

Anonymous said...

Fading. Back of the pack!

cycle

blond and insidious said...


CAFE FUZZ




dmiterf your

Comment deleted said...

Under Tailwind Delusion Syndrome, I have many times been convinced that I have become a cycling Superman, overnight, somehow.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...early burly...

JLRB said...

Caned soda has been punished (right after being gang raped).

'merica may have its issues, but some parts of the world are really fugged up ...

Anonymous said...

Early one !

vsk

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The RoadQueen and I did a 27 mile road loop this weekend. 15-20mph steady wind out of the west. Half the ride was great the other not so much. RoadQueen on her upright bike said it felt like riding in mud. I like the recumbent for windy days. On it the ride feels more like riding on low tire pressure not 4 inches of gooey mud.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...i need a cah-fee brake!

efmssi his... dah-fee

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Who am I kidding I like the recumbent on any day.

Anonymous said...

what's with the missing words in that wheely's video?

"multi-billion business"

"ridiculous CO emission"

Vernal Magina said...

Are we gonna get Penfoldian tomorrow?

Dave said...

I always have cah-fee when I watch radar!

Somewhere deep in the bowels of the government there exist photos and videos of our Lider as he breaks two laws at once. Probably wearing that smug tailwind grin too. Well, freedom is slavery , I always say.

Vernal Magina said...

Now that I've had my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar.

Flyover BC said...

The best thing about tail winds is when some duder in a convertible pulls up and says

"Man, you're doing 26... on a mountain bike".

"No shit? I must be lazy today."
I say and spin a little faster.

btw it's a hybrid, not a mountain bike.

Anonymous said...

"Speaking of speed, don't you hate how smug people look when they've got a tailwind?"

Short circuiting over the shade of emphasis or semen-antics.

Are we talking about smug people and their method of looking while riding downwind?

Or are we talking about people in general and their smug style they are rocking as being propelled by the claw of Lob?

Otherwise, all the WordeSmything was spot on.

vsk

Anonymous said...

Grabbed a pedi-cab at $4/min after a show last Saturday and from 52 to 46th behind GCS it ran me $44. (And he was running red lights with my tacit approval!)

Anonymous said...

Of course, your fuzzy cahfee made you list #2 twice. Number two. Poop. Whatever.I'm finally home from Tex-ass and my scranus needs to be firmly planted on a bike seat. Maybe one with a fin.

Anonymous said...

BTW, That brief clip in the cahfee vid was NYMEX not NASDAQ.

specq said...

Nordic Society for Invention and Discovery....

You can't spell insidious without the NSID. And in that order (they like order).

I wonder what they did with the leftover letters? Some secret acronym known only to the inner circle, no doubt (and anyone who contributed at the $500 level or above on their kickstarter).

McFly said...

As of Saturday night no more fuzz in my teeths.

Infer what you will.

JLRB said...

Given a choice, would you buy 3 of yesterday's "smart" fart sensing bikecycles, or one bike that has enough cah-fee capacity to do a multi-day sleepless ride?

mikeweb said...

Yeah, instead of that generic NYMEX shot they should've used the FCOJ scene from the end of 'Trading Places'.

dancesonpedals said...

ANAL YSIS? is that like, ANAL ISIS (is ISIS being a neat freak?)
ISIS = MOON
When you MOON someone, your ANUS is in YOUR MOON, but URANUS is not in THE MOON

where did I leave my meds...

Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

queso_fresco said...

I love how the humble food cart is suddenly reinvented as a desirable niche.

Do the latin-americans run the construction site food trucks in NYC?
That's my source of epic burritos and Fanta way out West.

Roille Figners said...

Looks like you've got a bad case of stickitadamaniosis. Shityeah broah, it takes more than some stupid - sign - to keep YOU off the Hank Hudson!

It's like "strictly enforced"... Oh yeah? By some cop who actually got out of the car? I call bullshit!

bk jimmy said...

Well, there isn't any more PURE caned soda, anyway...

http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2013-11-11/the-mexican-coca-cola-myth-its-almost-american

Dead-Eyed Suburbanite said...

How easy is it to get from West Side bike path up to the Hudson Bridge? I've gone across the Broadway bridge a bunch of times and it's a pain.

Also, i guess if you did the Hudson on a bike day after day, eventually the cops would stop you and administer a beating.

crosspalms said...

Do I have to be selling coffee to ride my bike through the library?

The King of Park Slope said...

I'm going to put a Wheelies in my kitchen next to my artisanal pizza kiln.

How much do I feed the blonde barista?

McFly said...

Rob Ford,

Do you even realize how jacked up one has to be to not be allowed into the US of A?

Anonymous said...

I learned yesterday from googling 'callipers' that it's an example of pluralia tantum, as are glasses, pants, scissors, clothes, electronics, bagpipes, AND... genitals. thanks wikipedia. genitals.

ken e. said...

how could felix be canada? someone doesn't know the slovenly north very well...

Adam Tang said...

I wouldn't go posting documentary evidence of the double law-breakings to the word wide web net. It could get the NYPD riled up enough to actually enforce something they would never bother with under normal circumstances. Look what they did to that afro duck guy (a Canadian).

JB said...

"half-assed mountain bike exploits"

Have you been spying on me?

Anonymous said...

Let me guess, taxes through the roof, unemployment sky high, infrastructure in shambles, and construction sites abandoned on Tues at 10am?

dancesonpedals said...

Hey, Dead-Eyed Suburbanite

What's wrong with the ride from Bway Bridge to the bike path (except for portaging the bike up those stairs by the highway, I'll grant that's a pain)...you get to ride though the land of seaman & cumming and through the neighborhood where francis ha wound up

in a few years, we won't have to portage the stairs, there will be a ramp

greta gerwig gives mev the horn

Roille Figners said...

Adam: The NYPD would never go out of their way to bust bicyc... oh wait.

Roille Figners said...

Instead of Felix, picture Robs Fords alongside Oscar, and guess who starts looking like the neat tidy "together" one.

Roille Figners said...

What does it take to get into the USA, jeez. Maybe if he twerked more.

babble on said...

C'mon. Cyclists can be forgiven for believing we are saving the world. We should all wear superman pants, even if we are just peddling java. Or ass. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. First pedal powered coffee cart I ever saw came to Vancouver via Australia.

RoadQueen said...

Yes, headwind sucks royal, bare, open ass. Hard.

Anonymous said...

So sick of overuse of the word humble. Sports clowns and businesses, "we are deeply humbled by this win or loss." Why the fuck were you arrogant in the first goddamn place? Anyone that says they were humbled by something is a complete fucking idiot. By constantly saying it, you're pretty much enforcing the point that most of the time, you're a complete asshole. But by all means, keeps regurgitating shit you here on TV.

Humble Speller said...

Anonymous @ 1:57

I am so humbled to be "here on TV."

Anonymous said...

Hey BSNYC you live near a lot of water. You should get a boat. You cannot really appreciate one until you have had a back bay tug job with SPF 40. It's fucking awesome.

And smells great.

BOAT SNOB

ge said...

Why do I need an ulterior motive for wanting to ride my bike?

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Peak Performace said...

tailwind, I feel the same way on downhills. I convince myself that weeks of consuming local craft ale and home made popcorn slathered in butter have turned me into a faster than a Fred.

babble on said...

Ge - right?!

Velouria battled blustery headwinds this weekend, too. Hills are easier, cause your body instinctively knows what it's up against. Wind, on the other hand, is an invisible, unpredictable trickster.

Cipo said...

The "Nordic Society for Invention and Discovery" is run by a bunch of Swedish Blondes who try to invent new riding positions through discovery.

mtic said...

For $3K you could serve coffee from a pedicab for almost 17 hours.

babble on said...

RF re Robs Fords - ++ :D heh heh

dancesonpedals - here's to ramps. Portaging 61 lbs of Bea bike is something I strenouously avoid.

gimmeitnow said...

Since I can always count on this wind to my back, I'll just see if mom and dad will buy me a Wheely Cafe.

Then I'll be set.

Anonymous said...

69yum I miss yah

Dooth said...

Is that Seinfeld on the Specialized!?
Hey Jerry! What's the story?

Flyover BC said...

I'm not trying to reduce my carbon footprint by bikin, I'm, just trying to reduce my lardy buttprint.

CommieCanuck said...

"Caned" is the CDN fucktard way of spelling canned. Since we have so many fucktards, both spellings are acceptable.

Dooth said...

Is that Seinfeld on the Specialized!?
Hey Jerry! What's the story?

Anonymous said...

I like riding into head winds, no pain no gain. it's been windy as fuck in NYC these days. Climant change I suppose.

Anonymous said...

Just seen on philly craigslist under bikes - diaper genie.

Anonymous said...

There is a bike lane over the broadway bridge? How about over the henry hudson bridge?

dancesonpedals said...

bway bridge>>>>no bike lane, but sidewalks with instructions to dismount...short bridge, no big deal unclipping & poling across with your toes

dancesonpedals said...

neither rain nor sleet nordic

babble on said...

Um, so caned is a thing, y'know, even though it isn't exactly pretty. Aaaaaaaaand some people actually like a good caning.

It might leave your soda a bit flat, though...

I did say on your left asshole said...

Yelling at people doing stupid shit while biking is like taking that first piss while drinking beer - once you break the seal everyone is an asshole out to kill you (or worse, slow your Fredly speed)

Fre Unchio said...

I did, are you yelling at people while riding your bike, or are you yelling at people doing dumb things on bikes?

Also, I only feel paranoid from weed, never beer.

I guess I'm not getting your metaphors. But keep trying, its good therapy.

Colonial spelling is best said...

Either that coffee cart video is a parody or these are the end days.

dancesonpedals said...

you know what really burns my ass? a 2 foot tall candle..

rortsco again

Dr. Donald Trump said...

Climant change I suppose.

Climant change is bullshit.

Pluralia Tantum said...

Climate Change *are* *bullshits*.

Dave said...

The cah-fee cart video is a parody AND these are the end days. I'd like a double-strength "Americano" with three creams, please.

Dave said...

Oh, and Linguo... IS dead.

Roille Figners said...

singularia tantrum: BIEK SNOB IS GIVES HAVES BALL CANCER

Makeout said...

Hey Wildcat- think you missed this one http://gothamist.com/2013/09/24/tourists_fight_back_against_corrupt.php

Odium Odoriferous said...

My Valour's fart detector alarm goes off whenever it senses a tail wind.

Frilly Chick said...

Thanks for clearing that up bk jimmy. When the local Mexican eatery served me a coke in the bottle with a straw, I figured their soda machine was broken. Who knew they had gotten all fancy pants on me?

Frilly Chick said...

And I concur headwinds are a bitch. The weatherman fucked up again when he said there would be no wind on Sunday. Um, yeah, that didn't hurt one bit.

Anonymous said...

You can get caned soda in Singapore. Of course, they cane everything and everyone in Singapore.

David G said...

Dead-Eyed Suburbanite 1:11 p.m. & dancesonpedals 1:41 p.m.:

It isn't hard to get between the end of the bike path and the HH Bridge, but it isn't seamless. The new ramp (which I think will open a lot sooner than "a few years", I hope!) will bypass the steps down to the parkway exit (technically Riverside Drive).

But I'm not aware of any plans to eliminate the portage over the steps around the footbridge over the tracks between the Dyckman ballfields and Inwood Hill Park. It seems to me they could build a path connecting Dyckman St. to the park east of the tracks, bypassing the bridge stairs, but I don't see any evidence it will happen.

burrrrritos on a date said...

`getting head when you have the winds

Nacnud said...

"[All grammer and spealing 100% domesticaly soarced in the USA.]"

Duh, yew speld "sauced" rong

Anonymous said...

Did nobody notice the nees proximity to ears pedlin styly on these cah-fee carts? and is the caf fee hot?

Curious said...

Did you........

In said...

......suck on........

Philly said...

.....the......straw?

Anonymous said...

What's an acceptable amount of Amateur Wife Porn to have on one's smarting phone? You know...in the event of an untimely death (Are not all deaths untimely?) I am thinking 3 stills and 2 full 3 min action films.

JB said...

That depends: Whose wife?

JLRB said...

On the subject of helments - I wear one and don't care if anyone else does. But, there are two things that should not happen that I see a lot: (1) if you wear a healmet, take it off when you get off the bike - walking around wearing a helmeat is not acceptable; (2)if you are going to tote a hellment with you, where it while cycling - dangling it off the end of the handlebars seems really dumb.

The end

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

On the subject of healments -I wear one on my recumbent only because I like to use a healment mirror to see behind me. Also I have male pattern baldness and a sunburnt scalp is not a pleasant experience. The styrofoam hat works nice as sunblock.

Commuting I never wear a healment. Don't see a point in it. My area is not densely urban.

On the road bike sometimes I wear one sometimes not. just depends on my mood.

On my half-assed mtb excursions I always wear the styrofoam. Ride enough off road and eventually you will fall off the thing.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

-JLRB, If I'm just getting off the bike to take a quick piss should I still remove my healment?

JLRB said...

RCT - I am just ranting - wear what you will. I am commenting on the peeps I see walking around downtown or getting on an elevator with hellmeats strapped on their noggens.

If I see one of them pissing I think I would give them a pass on my made up rule - especially if they are just pissing their pants.

babble on said...

JLRB - my mum told me I should always wear a healment, and she was right. I am a crash test dummy. Hey, sometimes I even wear one on the toilet. I can't help it! Dork is my native tongue.

LOL! Mock me if you will, but I have the Lazer Helium strapped to my noggin right now! I simply had to check to see if maybe Snobbers posted early before I hop on Ti Baby and head out for the North Shore.

dancesonpedals said...

Ever since Greg LeMond had his aero helmet in the TDF (89?) I've worn a lid. (I'm a major fred, thankk you) I've ridden 3 times since then sans helmet; on one of those occasions I woke up in a CT scanner in westchester county med center with a subdural hematoma. I won't ride without one.

Roille Figners said...

When I take a piss my helmet is in my hand, not on my head.