Let's Get Baronial!

In yesterday's post, I expressed bewilderment over the word "calliper:"

Subsequently, a reader pointed out that this is the British variant of the word "caliper."  That makes sense, since the inventors of that dumbass bike appear to be Canadian, and for some reason Canada prefers to import its spellings from across the Atlantic instead of simply sharing them with their slovenly roommate to the south:

I can't say I really blame them for not sharing with us, because if we let them use the word "caliper" then it wouldn't be long before we started demanding free health care in return, and before you know it Canada's got to put sticky labels on everything in the fridge because the USA never pays for its own groceries.

Nevertheless, I am relatively sure that there's no such thing as "caned soda:"

Incidentally, in addition to a refreshing "caned soda," the food cart upon which this sign was posted also sold me the World's Least Epic Burrito, which turned out to contain only lettuce and trace amounts of what I really hope was some kind of cheese.

I kept eating, hoping all the good stuff was somehow concentrated in the middle of the burrito, but by the time I got to the end I had to come to terms with the fact that I'd basically just eaten a salad wrap.

We do lots of things good here in New York, but burritoes ain't one of them.*

*[All grammer and spealing 100% domesticaly soarced in the USA.]

Speaking of street commerce and getting taken, I was riding through Central Park yesterday, my stomach cramping from half a pound of wet lettuce, and for the first time I noticed that the pedicabs charge $3 per minute:

This means that, at a leisurely clip, a single trip around the park would cost a tourist something like $90.

I may have to undercut them and start riding people around Central Park on my Big Dummy for a mere $2.50 a minute while pointing out all the key landmarks, like the "Ghostbusters" building and where John Lennon got shot by the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.  Maybe I can even work out a deal with that burrito vendor wherein my customers get a voucher for a free "caned soda" with their "burrito."  Not only will this be extremely lucrative, but schlepping rubes around the park all day long will get me in the best shape of my life and prepare me for Total Strava Domination.

Speaking of speed, don't you hate how smug people look when they've got a tailwind?

They've always got this pleased look plastered on their faces, and the worst part about it is that most of them don't even realize they have a tailwind--they just think they're awesome.  I know this because I do the same thing all the time.  There I am spinning effortlessly along the greenway at 34mph with my hands resting comfortably on the bar tops, marveling at my own speed and thinking somehow I've managed to parlay weeks of drinking and half-assed mountain bike exploits into race-winning form.

Then as I'm grimacing into that headwind on the way home it all makes sense, and that parade of beatific expressions mocks me the entire way.

In fact, sometimes I get so angry I break two laws at once:

Here in America, our infrastructure is in such sorry shape that riding a 20lb bicycle over a massive bridge while taking a photograph can cause it to collapse:

Pedaling across the span, my finger trembled as I pressed the "shutter button" on my smartphone, yet when I opened my eyes again I was amazed to find that the bridge still stood and I had not yet met my end:

Of course, while riding a bike over this bridge is forbidden for some reason, it's perfectly fine to drive over the bike and pedestrian path on the 59th Street Bridge--especially if you have a special license plate and a Mercedes:



Hey, after a hard day of being a judge or whatever it is that license plate means, you shouldn't have to sit in car traffic on the bridge to unwind at Scandals:

Oh, also, did you know Scandals is hiring?  I saw it on their website.  In fact, I just applied using this photo:

To paraphrase a certain governor, "Time for some naked recumbent problems in Queens Plaza."

Lastly, here's an email I received about young people saving the world or whatever:

The World's Smallest Café a reality!


Hi! 
Two weeks ago it was just a crazy idea. An open source, ecological way to take on the fast food giants. 
Today we've sold our bicycle cafés to 8 countries, are fully funded on IndieGoGo and orders keep pouring in. (Read here)

It is unbelivable! The start of a revolution, and we are deeply humble. 
THANK YOU!!

Uh, you're welcome...?

Anyway, here's the video:


I have no doubt that tiny human-powered coffee carts are going to save humanity from extinction, yet three (3) things make me uncomfortable:

1) The way the narrator says "coffee."  [CAH-fee.]
2) I'm pretty sure at one point he said ther "cah-fee" is "served without fuzz," from which I can only conclude I've been drinking coffee with fuzz.
2) The fact that this is developed by the "Nordic Society for Invention and Discovery," which sounds like a euphemism for something blond and insidious.

Then again, a combination coffee cart/pedicab would probably net me a small fortune in Central Park, and at $3,000 it's cheaper than the average crabon Fred chariot.

May have to add one to the fleet.