Riding Connected: Smart phones, dumb bicycles.

First of all, just so you know:

By the way, I flipped the sign over and it continued thusly:

Or, if you prefer, please feel free to wait for us to finish paving in our lushly-appointed pop-up lounge:

I chose the latter, so feel free to drop by and say hello at any point during the next two weeks.  Put your feet up and stay awhile.  We can order a pizza!

Meanwhile, if people don't stop trying to "simplify" the goddamn bicycle I give it a few more years before people abandon them altogether, because if I were a novice cyclist and all that was available to me was crap like this I'd make the logical choice and say, "Fuck it, I'm leasing a Hyundai."


"Nothing compares to the simple pleasure of a bike ride," the video begins:

Yet for some reason they seem to have decided "Screw that," and instead come up with this complicated and impractical"connected" bike that starts at $1,049 and is made out of plastic:

So how do you ride a connected bike, and how does it simplify cycling?

Well, first you "portage" it from the drive side and ruin your shirt:

(Guess they're trying to push that crabon belt drive "stretch goal.")

Then, you take your smartphone out of your khakis:

And proceed to open the "Ride Planner:"

Because you need all the help you can get in order to ride your plastic bicycle in beautiful weather for about eight (8) blocks:

Once you're rolling, little lights on your minimal crabon handlebar tell you which way to turn, because you're an idiot:

Also, the bicycle has "blind spot detection," which looks suspiciously like a "rider flatulence alert:"

"Blind spot detection" is crucial on a connected bike, because if you're dumb enough to need directions from your handlebars to undertake a 10 minute trip, you're also the sort of Pavlovian putz who will initiate a turn the very instant the green light starts blinking--at which point your cockpit will start to vibrate in warning:

Ironically, the bicycle industry has spent years trying to convince us that we need crabon components in order to eliminate vibration, and now these geniuses are telling us the exact opposite.

Who do I believe???

Even more ironically, while this connected bike will plan your ride, give you directions, alert others to your flatulence, and vibrate when you're about to turn into an SUV and die, it does not appear to have any brakes:

Though admittedly they are listed in the specs:

(What's a "calliper?")

I guess the guy in the video just likes to go "brakelless," because he's such an awesome rider.

Anyway, incredibly this doofus makes it to work, at which point he analyses his eight-block ride on his laptop, smartphone, and smart watch--you know, because he's all about the simplicity:

Sometimes it's hard to fish your smartphone out of your khakis while you're sitting, and a smart watch saves you the trouble of having to stand up for half a second.

By the way, I'm no aesthete, but if I'm spending over a thousand dollars on a bicycle I'd at least like something a little cleaner than this "throwing a hot dog down a hallway" fork/headtube junction:

("Hello-o-o-o-o?  Echo-o-o-o-o!!!")

Still, that's a small sacrifice in order to ride a bicycle that will use the power of social networking to alert "the community" of potholes, blocked lanes, and other road hazards:

If I'm riding with someone I will obviously go out of my way to point out a pothole, but as far as buying a bunch of expensive crap just to improve a bunch of strangers' riding experience, I'm firmly in the "Fuck that, you're on your own" camp.

Ooh, look, he farted again!

Just kidding--that's the theft-detection system, because it goes without saying that it's only a matter of time before Pavlovian putz's expensive city bike gets stolen, at which point it's the "community's" job to help him find it.

Yes, when it comes to cycling, it takes a village to remain, on an individual level, a bunch of clueless dorks.

Then the video goes on to explain how "carefully considered" the bicycle is:

If by "carefully considered" you mean "fitted by a sales floor team member at Target."

But the very best part of owning a connected bike is coming home at the end of a long day, sitting in your wanking chair, and "foffing off" over your stats:

Wow, almost nine kilometers!

"Totally killed it, bro:"

So to recap, this "simple" city bike is equipped with all of the following "essential" features:

Though if you want, like, a rack or some fenders, well tough shit.

One thing's for certain though, which is that there's no shortage of people who are dying to ride bicycles yet are too stupid to actually do it, because they've raked in a shitload of money so far:

Personally, I'm waiting for a pennyfarthing option.