Wednesday, April 23, 2014

I Can't Believe It's Wednesday Already!

Last week, I embarked upon a short hiatus with the best possible intentions: to ride my bike and stuff.  Instead, I got sick almost immediately, and so the closest I came to riding a bicycle during my break was occasionally looking through a window and seeing other people doing it.  "That looks fun," I'd think.  "I'd sure like to do that again one day."  Cycling must have been something I enjoyed doing at one point, since apparently I have a whole blog about it, and now that I feel slightly less like ass warmed over I'm looking forward to confirming whether or not that is still the case in the not-too-distant future.

In the meantime, instead of riding I've been catching up on emails, and you know what?  Checking my emails is a complete waste of time because they're completely ridiculous.  Consider this one for example:

Hi,

My name is John and I'm a founder and CEO behind Surface 604 Element Electric.

Please have a look at our latest videos presenting our e-fatty:



I admit that during our Long Dark Winter of the Soul I found myself pining for a fat bike from time to time.  However, the reason I felt this way was because I missed actually riding a bicycle.  If I'm not going to do the work myself then I might as well just ride the subway when it snows--though admittedly I'm probably not the target market for this, and an electric fat bike does seem like it would come in handy for those winter trips to your psycho-sexual "True Detective"-style torture shack:


Imagine the muffled whimpers of fear from the duct-taped mouths of the hostages when they hear the telltale sound of crunching snow under voluminous tires that heralds the return of their captor:


("Mmmm, mmmmm, MMMMMM!!!!")

Yes, out here nobody can hear you scream:


Nor can they see your unruly body hair and mistake you for a Sasquatch:

Hello,

We are interested in advertising on your websites. We just launched a new product called
No Bush Lotion. You can see it at http://www.kingsupplements.com/nobush.html. The product helps reduce the appearance of body hair and is marketed towards athletes of all kind specially cyclists. If you would like to make more money with your blog please contact me and we can work out a deal.

I've been approached by the "No Bush" people before, and their persistence can only mean one thing, so I sent them this email proving my canny ability to read between the lines:


I have yet to receive a reply.

Hey, if you've got a problem with my sub-equatorial coiffure why not just come right out and say it?

By the way, the "No Bush" people aren't the only ones who want me to mention their product because they have no idea I've already been mentioning their product.  You might recall that not too long ago I posted the video for something called the "MiniBrake," and subsequently I received an email from the unwitting co-founder asking me to do that which I have already done:

I'm Daniel Bognar, co-founder of MiniBrake - we're developing a child safety device that can help parents protect their kids on the road. We've just launched a crowdfunding campaign to help put MiniBrake into production. We're trying to reach out to parents in the cycling communities and I'm wondering whether you're interested in our concept and whether you'll be open to write about this child safety device in your blog.

You can check out our pitch video about the product here



As I said before, I think the "MiniBrake" would be much more useful on adult bikes.  In fact, in addition to so-called "Lawyer Lips," the law should also require all sporting bicycles sold in the United States to be equipped with a MiniBrake.  Just imagine a "master switch" on your handlebar that would allow you to stop any Fred or tridork in his tracks.  Can you picture the look of surprise and panic on the typical wheelsucking doofus's face as his rear wheel locks up and you leave him pounding on his aerobars wondering what the hell just happened?  Sure you can!  It's exactly the same look of surprise and panic wheelsucking doofuses wear all the time.  They always look like they're about half a second away from crashing, probably because they usually are.

Instead, the MiniBrake is marketed towards inattentive parents, like Julianne Moore here, who's apparently too busy making plans for "Boogie Nights II" to notice that her child is schluffing off on his balance bike to meet his fate:


Not that I'm judging, mind you.  I have a Twitter account, and every single "Tweet" on it represents 15 or 20 minutes I've subsequently spent searching for my own child on a crowded sidewalk, street, or subway platform.  Criticizing parents for minor stuff like "inattention" or "being drunk most of the time" is the sort of thing that only non-parents do, since they don't understand the rigors of parenting and the state of perpetual non-sobriety that the job requires.  It's these same non-parents who freak out when they see relatively innocuous stuff like this:

("Urban Amish Utilizes Popular Bicycle Sharing Program To Portage Child" is the headline I'd have gone with.)

First of all, "Father" looks like he just had his Bar Mitzvah about two months ago, so I'm relatively certain that's actually her brother.  (Either that, or it's rare photographic evidence of a blood libel kidnapping if you're both uptight and anti-Semitic.  Hey, it was just Easter, you know.)  Second of all, loosen your sphincter's death grip and stop making such a big deal, for fuck's sake.  "Death Defying?"  Really?  Well, I guess in the age of stuff like child leashes and sledding helments, sure:


(Oh come on.)

However, if you actually stop and think about it, the parent (or sibling) driving a young child around the city in an SUV is doing something far more "irresponsible" than carrying a kid on a Citi Bike at slightly more than walking speed.



But of course it's a bicycle in America, so when assessing the risks the laws of physics don't apply.  Instead, just look for the presence or absence of a foam hat and extrapolate from there.

Anyway, MiniBrake guy's email continues as follows:

I think I know your first two questions :) Won't the kid just fall over? We designed the brake to avoid that even if a child is going fast. First, the brake is applied to the rear wheel, not the front, second, the brake is applied by putting pressure on that wheel, and not by suddenly blocking them. And the second most common (and totally valid!) question is "Shouldn’t my kid learn to be careful on the road instead of parents stepping in to “save the day”?" We completely agree that kids must learn to be self-reliant and sometimes it’s necessary for kids to learn from their own mistakes. Thus, MiniBrake does not aim to replace teaching kids how to be careful on the road. However, there are always situations in which parents do not want to teach their kids a lesson – they just want to intervene and avoid an accident.

Actually, both of these answers are disappointing, because my first two questions were as follows:

1) Will this lock up the wheel instantly to aid my child in the laying down of fat skidzzz?

2) Have you thought about a "MiniMotor" that drives the wheel instead of slowing it, similar to that Citi Bike motor thing, so parents can get their kids up to "Fred woo-hoo-hoo-hoo" speed before initiating the skid?

Really, the fundamental elements of childhood cycling are going fast and skidding.  Everything else is irrelevant.

Speaking of children and cycling, Andy Schleck isn't ready to give up on it yet:


"Today, I still miss things [...] I'm missing some sensations in races. Something to give meaning to all the work I do in training.”

"DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?," Schleck continued.  "I NEED DRUGS!!!  JUST LET ME HAVE SOME DRUGS!!!"

I guess he's going to have to wait around for uncle Johan.

77 comments:

Anonymous said...

podium?

DB said...

Welcome back.

Anonymous said...

yeah! bottom step baby!

Cycologist said...

Someone in my neighborhood has a e-fatty. See him cruising around a lot lately. Never saw him during winter.

Anonymous said...

5 ou 6 ou 7

Anonymous said...

Top ten

Cycologist said...

@BSNYC - you should have more stickers in your next book. I miss them.

One Hole said...

Top Ten Sack

Marcel Da Chump said...

Top ten bush

JB said...

Amish Gravel Grinder Fondo

BamaPhred said...

Being sick on your break sucks. But I'm glad you are back.

3G said...

EARLY BIRD!

Twat.i.am said...

Top 12! F.O.B

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Just wait till your sub-equatorial coiffure goes gray. That truly sucks.

Johan Bruyneel before me said...

"there are certain elements of my career that I wish had been different" ... like I wish I never got caught, n stuff

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear your break was spoiled by illness. Me and several of my colleagues all came back after the break complaining that we'd been ill - there's a lot of it about, I think!

Rudimentary Peni said...

Just wanted to give you a heads up on the next trend--motorized roller blades. Imagine the tag line:

"Everything old is new again. ...And this time it's motorized!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKC5UjQXhFE

samh said...

Fat skidzzz Wednesday.

Roille Figners said...

Part of this nutritious breakfast.

McFly said...

Honestly ("Mmmm, mmmmm, MMMMMM!!!!") sounds more like her gettin' what she wants. In the Torture Shack.

crosspalms said...

Sorry you've been sick, but glad you're back. Meanwhile, you guys have Dunkin Donuts, we've got Starbucks.

Anonymous said...

"marketed towards athletes of all kind specially cyclists."

If you can't exercise due care in hacking out an e-mail, no way am I applying your product anywhere on my body. No thank you.

dancesonpedals said...

welcome back, bike's knob.

I've been thinkng about emily dickinson this morning. She wrote, "I envy Seas, thereon He rides" Sounds like a woman who really wants it. I wonder if she envies my specialized allez, thereon I ride? Perhaps she's a scattante woman. Oh well.

conjectured iedalou my ass

Buffalo Bill said...

Oh man, I got passed in my neighborhood just last week by a fat guy on one of those fucking electric motorcycles. He still had the studded tires on it too so it sounded like a swarm of bees chasing me.

I guess if I'm still living in some icy winter wonderland when I get too old to pedal my ass around I'd get one of those too.

DB said...

Dancesonpedals:
No offense, but I believe it's whereon rather than thereon.
At least that was my answer in today's crossword.

jodphoto said...

OK. Anyone ever heard of physics (as in the laws of fucking physics). If the MiniBrake is effective enough to quickly stop the bike, rear wheel or not, the kid will still keep moving forward into or over the bars. Lawyers and orthodontists should like this.

Here's a rule. If you design something for rich peoples' children you better think it through better than this.

And, it's PHATT skidzzz you old square. Hope you feel better.

trama said...

Man, it was hard while you were vacationeering- because I didn't know what to do with my thumbs while crapping in the mornings. What I ask is, (in order to be prepared for the next WCRM staycation) what do you read while pooping? See, you curate this blog, so you can't read your own posts while you are in there...right? So I figure you must have a go-to web addy for me.

obat penyakit maag said...

Someone in my neighborhood has a e-fatty. See him cruising around a lot lately. Never saw him during winter.

Anonymous said...

Just passin thru.

OK, I'll read it now!

vsk

JLRB said...

Put the mini brake off the kiddie bike and put it on taxis.

Flyover BC said...

Kids on bikes is more than going fast and skidding. What about jumping and wheelies and putting cards in the spokes and making a lot of noise that irritates the neighbor who works the graveyard shift and sleeps all day.

JLRB said...

I too was ill for the bunny hop - why does the body do that? "Oh, you've got a few open days in the calendar? What a coincidence - I was trying to schedule a stomach virus for you..."

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...man, i had no idea i was a daredevil. everyday i pick up the little one, she likes to sit on the front rack of the bicycle and grab the handlebars for an unobstructed view of the road. we ride like that a few blocks, then she is happy to sit the the chair... and make fun of my behind and my choice of underwear.

babble on said...

Hoooooray! Welcome home, Snobberdooderdoo! Get well super soon so you can get back to some fun on two wheels, mkay?

Two things. !.As a cyclist, please let me confirm that life itself requires a perpetual state of non-sovriety. Also, 2. ARE YOU KIDDING? Forget childhood. The fundamental elements of life itself revolves around wooo hooooo with the occasional skid thrown in. And proving I cannot count,3:

"loosen your sphincter's death grip and stop making such a big deal, for fuck's sake." Heh heh. Sure is good to have you back. :)

dancesonpedals said...

DB-

You're right. My answer would make 61 down, sets up, instead of sews up.

My knowledge of Emily Dickinson is limited to crosswords & simon and Garfukel lyrics.

Still, it sounds like she really wanted it.

CommieCanuck said...

Just wait till your sub-equatorial coiffure goes gray. That truly sucks.

Tip: Just For Men AutoScranus formula, comes in the glove box of every 2014 Corvette.

Mark said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mark said...

No Bush cannot possibly hope to compete with Veet for Men, based on user comments.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt/279-8127284-5621100?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Veet for Men: DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS

CommieCanuck said...

She wrote, "I envy Seas, thereon He rides" Sounds like a woman who really wants it. I wonder if she envies my specialized allez, thereon I ride?

Buy a Di2 Venge, and you may get to ride Charlize Theron.

Hirless Bullock said...

Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)

Regular guy said...

So the e-fat bike works fine in spring conditions, when the guy can ride around WITH NO F'n GLOVES?!

Just pedal your damn bike.

We got our 8 year old a new 24" mtb two weeks ago, the kid has already skidded the tread off the back tire.
Damn nice brakes on that thing.

Anonymous said...

riding a bike in the snow doesn't look like very much fun.

Flyover BC said...

I don't know about riding fat bikes, but my wife enjoyed riding a chubby.

Roille Figners said...

Still waiting for the electric-assist carbon fat gravel cross commuter. So that I don't die.

McFly said...

% reasons I keep my junk fro high and tight:

2%--Cycleen

98%--The Facilitation of BJ's

Anonymous said...

I would love to get rid of my bush. ps: I'm a GUY!!!

Anonymous said...

Loved the traffic droid video from last week but now I can't open it. Any alternate way to do it? It was a very happy video.
Philip

1904 Cadardi said...

@Mark:

Thank you for that. I haven't laughed that hard for some time.

@McFly:
Liar. It's 0% and 100% and you know it.

Roille Figners said...

It's like meat to the dogs. How shall we tear apart the MiniBrake this time? Anonymous disemboweled it pretty good, but I'm in the back barking and acting excited, just adding to the general din. You gotta have a din, what's a frenzy without a din?

So all right. People depend on technology, which makes them inept. And then because they're increasingly inept, they depend on technology even more.

Somebody fact-check me on this, but I think some people's children are actually human and therefore teachable, e.g. "If I yell 'STOP' you stop immediately or else you'll probably get badly hurt, do you understand? Let's practice." Make it a game, kids love that shit. When they're ready, take them out in public. But no, that takes away valuable time you could spend just-a-tweetin'-away and consuming like a little bitch. (Should a year of prison be mandatory so people know what a bitch is? No, wouldn't work... the dilution of the felon population would just mean everyone was a bitch again, just like now.)

I apologize for my harsh views and how absolutely true they are.

Anonymous said...

That shack is more 'Fargo' than 'True Detective', I'd have said.

Although I haven't illegally downloaded either yet.

JB said...

Favorite riding experience on your bike? Breaking the Fred Woo-Hoo speed.

RoadQueen said...

McFly, my percentages are 0% and 100%, only not for BJ's, it's for the Cunning Linguist.

I can't believe how far people will go to not have to actually interact with their children. Like, with teaching and stuff.

PHAT SKID

Sprouts and Ice Cream said...

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)

BamaPhred said...

Pronouncing judgement on the MiniBreak is something the civil court tort system will have a field day with. Slam the MiniBreak on unsuspecting child, bike stops, child over the bars and into street. Hhhmm. Doesn't take a Johnny Cochrane to win that one. I'm naming it the Ejectomatic, or FacePlantarium, or maybe just plain old ScranusBlaster.

I want my "nsfullyt cradled", and I don't even know what it is.

McFly said...

OK OK but .00076% is to make it look bigger.....which falls under the sub-heading of BJ's so yeah yeah 100%.

Hey Wildcat leave cell phone mom alone. She may be lining up a one-way ticket on a bullett train to Poundtown.

(It does make me more aerodynamic so I can still claim cyclean somewhat)

JLRB said...

3:20 - times fors internets cleavages

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Welcome back BikeSnotNYC.
So what other stuff besides the biking were you intending before you went under the weather?

Anonymous said...

I don't see how keeping one's junk high and tight facilitates giving bj's.

babble on said...

Which one of you geniuses first introduced the phrase "the indignity of snot"?

babble on said...

Not his junk. His junk fro...

Roille Figners said...

My junk has a fro AND a Swatch...

Dave said...

Oh yeah, the child is totally safe. But she would enjoy the ride more if the black-hatted person just swung her by one leg in a carefree manner. Kids love that stuff. Also the cute pink cap will reduce abrasions as her skull bounces off the manhole covers.

Anonymous said...

I was in Jasper National Park last week and this local guy was telling how rad FatBikes are. Kind of makes sense to have one if you are in an area that is under several meters of snow during the winter.

Shapest Kife In The Drawer said...

The faster I pedal, the faster I go. Thank you.

1904 Cadardi said...

Roille,

Thomas Frischknecht used to wear two Swatches on his right arm, one on his left arm, and one on each ankle. He claimed to wear 6 total.

Who stole the junk Swatch idea from whom?

dancesonpedals said...

1904 cadardi..

You misspelled snatch

ken e. said...

don't know if i've got the slang right, but...

BOOSH!

Capt. Ahab said...

I met a babe at a concert once and we proceeded to enjoy each others company. She had a bush on her that took a weed-wacker to get through. I thought her tentacles were going to grab onto me like the octopussy in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

Biz Markie said...

The way that I met her was on tour at a concert. She had long hair and a short miniskirt.

I asked her her name; she said Blah, blah, blah. Shre had 9-10 pants and a very big bra...

Anonymous said...

HELM ULKE

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ge said...

I'm late to the game
But I've got nothing to say
Guess it's just as well

Anonymous said...

Julianne Moore got the shat banged out of her by the kid from 3rd Rock in that Don Jon movie. She was all depressed and shit, was just using the D to fill the void. I cannot remember for sure but I think I saw Scarlette Johansenne's tits in there as well. Bonus.

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Victoria Bitter, 5 of
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Tim said...

> the fundamental elements of childhood cycling are going fast and skidding. Everything else is irrelevant.

WHAT ABOUT WHEELIES??