I'm breaking away early this morning in a desperate ploy for TV time.

So it's the year 2014, which must mean that some duder made some sweet mags:



I had pretty much the same setup back in the '80s when plastic wheels still meant something:

Too bad he only appears to be doing his wheels in 26".  Is that even a size anymore?  I thought all the cool people were riding that new wheel size between 27.5" and 29" now.

All I know is that in my mind I can still hear the sound of chain slap on that chainguard, which persisted until I finally figured out I could take it off, and that first bit of customization opened a veritable Pandora's Box of radness upon the streets of my neighborhood from which it has still not recovered.

And I didn't even have a MiniBrake.

In other news, how psyched are you for this year's Tour de France?  That is not a rhetorical question, please check one (1) of the following:

__Not at all psyched;

__A little psyched, like "My Pizza Pockets are almost finished toasting" psyched;

__A lot psyched, like "The oral burns from my Pizza Pockets have finally healed and I can taste again" psyched;

__Wet-spot-slowly-spreading-across-the-front-of-my-jeans psyched;

__So psyched I just slipped into an excitement-induced coma in which I dream that I am rocketing through the cosmos on Rollerblades of Awesomeness.

Anyway, whichever response you chose, I should remind you that this year's Tour starts in Yorkshire, and a reader has shared the following with me via email:

How Yorkshire really sees the tour depart – an excuse for knitting. 

Yep, and they ain't fucking around either:

Travelling the region, prolific crafter Cassandra Kilbride is travelling the region and creating one bike per city, celebrating the best that Yorkshire has to offer. York, for example, decorated their bikes in Viking armour with Celtic symbols, representing the ancient history of their region.

"Traveling the region, prolific crafter Cassandra Kilbride is travelling the region" you say?  Fascinating.  Also, check out this wheel festooned with yarmulkes and/or "tit cosies:"

By the way, is that a 26" wheel?  Because the only acceptable use for a 26" wheel in 2014 is festooning it with tit cosies.  Do not attempt to ride it off-road under any circumstances, or else you will die.

One thing's for sure though: ASO is going to be kicking themselves for starting the Tour in Yorkshire this year, because this knitting stunt is going to completely overshadow the racing, and they'll be lucky if anyone even bothers follows them back to France:

Other bikes in the series will represent Yorkshire’s industrial heritage, literary icons such as Dracula and the Bronte sisters, sports and the rolling hills of the Yorkshire Dales. Hepworth’s bike looks to be the most unique, with their project celebrating two of the regions most famous icons – the flatcap and the whippet.

"Dude, Tour de what?  Who gives a shit!  Did you see the tit cosies on Emily Brontë?"

Yeah, they're not stupid in Yorkshire.  Not only are they going to torpedo the Tour with their insane knitting skillz, but they're also harnessing the awesome power of
the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet TridorkBret to sell you parking, as I learned via the Twitter not too long ago:

Or, you know, you could also ride your bike to the big bike race, though for that you'll need a special bicycle befitting this auspicious occasion, and here's one I've learned about from another reader:

The overpriced and over-designed urban douche chariot has become a mainstay in the world of cycling, and like all of its siblings this one too has a philosophy:

CYLO WAS DESIGNED TO BE SIMPLE BECAUSE LIFE SHOULD BE THAT WAY. BY INTEGRATING EVERYTHING WITHIN THE FRAME YOU CAN LET YOUR MIND ROAM FREELY — JUST LIKE YOU DID ON HOT SUMMER DAYS AS A KID.

First, pretty much all bikes are both "simple" and "integrated," except maybe this one.  Second, I'm not sure how this bike is supposed to calm your mind, since compared to a regular diamond frame its weird angles are disorienting and stressful, and it looks like it could even snag your "pants yabbies" in it if you were to attempt some basic stunts while riding in a kilt.  (I do all my stunt riding in a kilt for the added mobility.)  Third, my mind never roamed freely on hot summer days when I was a child.  I mean look at that picture up there!  Do you see where I grew up???  Don't let the artisanal Belgian block curb and soft grassy road shoulder fool you, I'm from the streets!  (Or, more accurately, I'm from a modest ranch house with a nice lawn in front of it set discreetly back from the streets.)  We didn't have the luxury of letting our minds roam freely.  No, for me, the dog days of summer were always pregnant with fear, sweat streaming down my brow as I looked over my shoulder for the ever-present bike thieves who were potentially hiding behind every Gran Torino ready to pounce on me and make off with my BMX bike and its sweet mags.  

But yeah, your orange whatever-it-is will look great leaning against a marble column as you douche it up with friends while sitting at tiny tables and sipping from tiny cups:

Also, it has a brake light, which they'd like you to think is a big deal:

Yeah, good for you, nobody gives a shit if you're slowing down anyway.

And if you're lucky, maybe one day you'll be able to buy a rack for it:

Don't hold your breath though.  They'll never go through with it since it might spoil the "clean lines" of that stupid vestigial brake light coccyx.

Lastly, still another reader informs me that David Byrne, a noted musician who does not own a car, is now operating a Craigslist bike rental enterprise in New Orleans:

BWATER BIKES, RENTALS, SALES, BY APPOINTMENT - $1 (BYWATER)

3917 ROYAL ST.

TREKS,GIANTS, CANNONDALE, SCHWINNS, CRUISERS,
FIXIES, ROAD, MOUNTAIN, TOURING, A TRIKE FROM THE 60'S WITH 3SPEED....
MORE...

TEXT FOR APPOINTMENT.

505-699- Seven Six Six Six NOT 504!

I guess he was serious about leaving New York.