Friday, April 25, 2014

BSNYC No Quiz Because In My Mind It's Still Only Wednesday!

Like many cyclists, I've been waiting to pull the trigger on a fat bike until they're available in solid gold, and I've now learned from Twitter that my wait is finally at an end:


Yep, it's solid gold...plated:

Using modern day techniques and taking well over 750 hours to complete, each part was coated to perfection in the USA using the electroplating process.

It's also got a saddle that's covered in alligator:

The one of a kind customized seat is covered in the finest chocolate brown alligator and absolutely beautiful. 



I agree that it's quite beautiful, and furthermore that this misshapen turd perched precariously upon a gilded pillar is a poignant metaphor for America--and if you need me to hold your hand and walk you through that metaphor, the gilded pillar is central and south America, the turd is the USA, and your ass is Canada.

Think about it.

Scoff if you will, but if nothing else, this bicycle boasts the world's most expensive set of Avid mechanical disc brakes:


I don't know about you, but for a million clams I expect hydraulics that use a brake fluid made from the semen and tears of Kim Jong-un.

Still, you can't complain, because all the money goes to charity:

The House of Solid Gold’s CEO, Mr. Power, announced recently his elation about working closely with The Way to Happiness Foundation International, a global non-profit, non-religious charitable organization whose sole mission is to reverse the moral decay of society by restoring trust and honesty the world over through the publication and widespread distribution of "The Way to Happiness" booklet, a common sense guide to better living.  The majority, 90% or more, of the proceeds from the sale of this golden bicycle will go directly to this global organization.

Wow, The House of Solid Gold's CEO's name is really Mr. Power?

Get the fuck outta here!

Oh, and yes, "The Way to Happiness Foundation International" is totally a front for Scientology:


Creepy.  Really creepy.

Anyway, I know what you're thinking, and the answers to both those questions are, "Yes, I did buy one," and "Yes, of course I used PayPal:"


I plan to upgrade to hydraulic brakes immediately, even though whenever I need to bleed the brakes this man will have to masturbate and cry:


Though I'm guessing he spends most of his time doing that anyway.

Then, once I get a solid gold "tandum" my stable will finally be complete:


Even though I won't be able to sell it to Pete afterward:


Five minutes ago it never even occurred to me that anybody might write tandem as "tandum," and now it turns out that this is actually the preferred spelling on Craigslist.

In other news, America's educators continue to do their very best to frighten children away from riding bicycles and promote the agenda of the Automotive Industrial Complex, and to that end here's a self-proclaimed "former physicist" explaining to a bunch of kids why attempting to ride a bicycle without wearing a helment means certain death:


Okay, how do you become a "former physicist?"  Can you be disbarred?  If so, I suppose one good way to go about it would be to build a ridiculous medieval watermelon-smashing contraption and use it to scare the shit out of kids--because, as the former physicist explains, "it's just like if you were riding a bike without a helmet."

Yeah, just like it.

Oh, and how do you have a crash on your bicycle?  All sorts of ways.  See, it's totally beyond your control, as his fellow presenter goes out of her way to explain:

"Or you just fall.  Sometimes it just happens.  And you don't have to be going fast, it just can happen."

Hear that, kids?  It doesn't matter what you do.  You have no free will.  One minute you're puttering along on the sidewalk at 3mph, and the next minute you're dead.  Dead!

See, it's important to create a free-floating specter of terror and anxiety and associate that with riding bicycles in order to make sure kids don't grow up thinking that cycling is a reasonable choice.

Anyway, here's the former physicist loading up his atomic watermelon smasher:


And...splat!


"You don't want that to happen to you," he says, proving conclusively that dropping a heavy hammer on a piece of stationary fruit held firmly in place with a wedge will cause that piece of fruit to explode.

I wonder if it ever makes the former physicist uncomfortable that while Neil deGrasse Tyson is opening millions of children's minds to the infinite possibilities of the universe, he's fucking up perfectly good watermelons to scare kids off bikes--and he's not even succeeding in that, because the kids just think it's hilarious.  This guy's not an educator, he's a freaking prop comic!  Why not just skip the bullshit propaganda and let the kids watch a Gallagher VHS instead?

"Here's your brain, kids, I'm going to eat your brain!," the co-presenter then doesn't say, but might as well:


But wait!  Here's the same stunt again with the watermelon wearing a helment!


And guess what?  The hammer puts a big freaking hole in the helment!


"The crack that you see in that is the crack that would have happened to your skull," the former physicist explains:


Yes.  He's right.  If you build a catapult out of a shipping pallet and a hammer, pull the hammer back, place your head under it, and then let the hammer go, you will probably crack open your skull.  I can't wait until his next demonstration, wherein he uses a pile driver and a bunch of bananas to show you why riding a skateboard without a cup will pulverize your genitals.

Hey, I'm no physicist, former or otherwise, but I do know this: if anyone ever tries to teach any one of my seventeen (17) children a "lesson" like this, I'll put that watermelon right up their ass.

Anyway, there are way worse things out there for kids than riding a bike without a helment, and most of them are considered good in this country.  Take religion for example.  "Wait, you mean you'll fill my children's heads with lies and molest them?  Sounds great, sign 'em up!"

Lastly, there's a "pop-up Cat Café" in Manhattan now:


Meanwhile, a few miles north in Yonkers, there's a vacant lot full of cat corpses:


Choose your reality.

139 comments:

dcee604 said...

Podium????

dcee604 said...

Where are you guys?

dcee604 said...

Happy Friday to all!

Roille Figners said...

HARDEN

ubercurmudgeon said...

You never see Kim Jong Scranus and Joaquim "Dapper Dan" RodrĂ­guez together. There's been a cover-up methinks.

Anonymous said...

Je suis dans le premier dix.

Twat.i.am said...

Top bloody ten old bean, what.

Former Physicist said...

Hey Kid! Put that thing down. You'll shoot your eye out!

One Hole said...

Ignore this comment

ken e. said...

friday!

crosspalms said...

My ass is Canada, eh?

dnk said...

I love the kid at about 2:20 who screams "IT'S LIKE YOUR BRAIN!"

And it's true. My brain is like a smashed watermelon. Just red pulp and sticky goo.

babble on said...

A million dollars and it's only gold plated? LOL!! And it's funny that the cassette is plated, too. That would be gone in two or three rides, even without water, grit, or salt.

Happy Friday! :D

3G said...

Top 20 and I'm late because I ate at the Chinese buffet!

Anonymous said...

"My Name is Earl" Luthor was disbarred for calling that a catapult & also for using gigantic bolts where a few wood screws would have sufficed.

Cliven Bundy said...

Watermelon my ass.

Fred of the Sea said...

Gold, solid gold…uh, plated!

Roille Figners said...

chocolate brown alligator - Isn't this a slang term for a big turd? One with a rough, scaly, hostile-looking surface?

Also a hyphen would be nice in chocolate-brown, though you might as well skip it; brown is brown; everybody knows what brown is. "Oh you mean brown like chocolate?" Being overly descriptive of colors is for Ed Norton types before they meet their inner Brad Pitt.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

I work with a psycho who got in trouble for hanging squirrel corpses from a tree. He thought the sight of hanging dead rodents would keep the other live rodents out of his bird feeders. His neighbors complained.

trama said...

were the cats wearing helments?

Anonymous said...

Yay Friday !!

vsk

Roille Figners said...

Look at Jong-un! Seems like he's masturbating as the photo's being taken and therefore began crying about 30 seconds later. Brake fluid bonanza... all wasted I'm afraid! Note to self - when photographed do not try overhard to look like badass.

Jon Webb said...

Meanwhile, at this very moment, a group of riders is competing in #crushthecommonwealth, a race across Pennsylvania (this year Philadelphia->Pittsburgh). 400 miles / 615 k. The first riders left this morning at 5 am, and will arrive tomorrow afternoon.

JLRB said...

Note to self - when photographed, try not to masturbate.

Trama @12:51 - My vote for today's winner

Anonymous said...

This saddle will continue to be a chocolate saddle.

vsk

Krakow said...

Gold, being buttery soft, offers great multidimensional compliance but has stiffness for shit...meaning stiffness similar to shit. The bike is a terrible deal. For $1M, at today's prices, you could buy 42 pounds of pure gold...or buy 41.2 pounds and with the money left over buy the Freddest chariot on the market.

Anonymous said...

For some reason, spelling-challenged eBay sellers seem to prefer "tentom". I don't recall seeing "tandum" there. Weird.

Anonymous said...

As a safety-conscious cyclist, I never cycle around town without foot protection or pants.

Jam Master Cray said...

This post renews my faith in humanity.

#1. Solid-gold bikes commit heinous misplaced modifier: "Using modern day techniques and taking well over 750 hours to complete, each part was coated...." I mean, I know it's a SOLID GOLD (plated) bike, but that's one long production schedule.

#2. Corpus linguistics makes an appearance ("tandum").

#3. Cats. Playas for life--until they get strung up in a tree. Racist cat killer?

Dooth said...

Croc of shit saddle on a gold-plated douche chariot...because Mr Power.

Anonymous said...

Lack of helmet use is appalling; I can't believe how many people I saw without helmets this morning.

It's scary to be sharing the road with so many people with a death wish.
Driving a car without a helmet! - its just insane!

Anonymous said...

Wild"cat", you live pretty close to Yonkers, correct?

Flyover BC said...

Over the weekend, I watched a five year old ride a bike for the first time without training wheels. He crashed every time he came to a stop. Only his arms and legs saved his head from hitting the ground.

After a few dozen crashes, he learned to stick his legs out save himself from the inevitable life ending fall. Then his dad took him on an epic three mile ride around the neighborhood.

Then the kid taught his 35-year- old aunt to ride a bike. She's a spin bike only urbanite, who learned in only a couple of minutes.

Then the kid took her on another epic three mile lap of the neighborhood.

All in all, the in-laws are a devil may care, death defying bunch.


Anonymous said...

I wouldn't fuck around with Kim Jong un, his father, Il, won the tour de france in his first and only attempt completing the entire 21 stages, including rest days, in under an hour. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Flyover BC said...

That gold-plated bike harkens back to the decadent days of Czarist Russia, not the USA. It's a good thing that Russia was replaced by the affluent, and soon to be resurrected, glories of the Soviet Union.

But lets get real here. Only an heir to Arabic oil money is likely to buy the gaudy heap.

P.S. is it Budnitz design?

Fre Unchio said...

Seems to me you cat fanciers in NYC better get some helmets on your pets.

Maybe the "cat cafe" could sell them.

Anonymous said...

I just got an idea for your next book: "The Way to Happiness, Seriously" by BikeSnob "the World's most Enlightened Human" NYC.

I got a little scared when the former physicist asked for a volunteer from the audience.

Dave said...

Hi - Mr. Power here -

We here at the Happy Happy Institute for Studies have been conducting a huge study of helmet use and technology. First we designed and built helmets made of watermelon rinds tanned in high-grade alligator feces. We had a few leftover solid-gold bikes to use as test vehicles, but we ran out of subhuman volunteers, so we switched to cats. We built a fleet of cat-sized solid gold tandum bikes and painstakingly taught the cats to ride them, wearing the helmets, which are equipped with remote e-meters to monitor the cats' levels of clarity. This took a long time. Then we equipped with bikes with radio-controlled brakes on the front wheels, and sent the cats down long hills in San Francisco, some wearing helmets and some not. When we crashed the bikes, the cats, no matter how fast they were traveling, leaped off, landed on their feet and ran off. We all had a good laugh and then we went and lay down in tubs of gold coins and relaxed. That's science for you - it doesn't always work right. But I, Mr. Power, do not care.

The End.

Comment deleted said...

Look, there's nothing creepy about Scientology. Do you hear me? THERE'S NOTHING CREEPY ABOUT SCIENTOLOGY!

Anonymous said...

when I was 5, about a week after taking the training wheels off my bike, my older brother and his friend convinced by to take a sweet ramp. It was super steep and taller than me at the time. I barely made it to the top and tipped over the edge falling about 5 feet straight down onto my face. It hurt. I wasn't wearing a helmet on my face. 40 years later, I still don't.

RoadQueen said...

"Now kids, don't try this at home..."

I can't remember the last time I had to dodge a sledge hammer that was going to my head...but I dodge at least one car every time I ride.

Speaking of which, I will be DIRECTING traffic in a crowded parking complex tomorrow from 9 am-1 pm. If that doesn't cause me to throw a traffic flag at someone's head, I don't know what will.

Dumbest scare-tactic reasoning I've ever seen. Why doesn't that guy go try to scare some meth heads straight?

It's Friday. Thank LOB.

Roille Figners said...

Cray - I might add that in addition to CBA, the saddle is covered with "absolutely beautiful," whatever that is. Maybe a women's hair product.

In Soviet Russia, off jack YOU.

Tandum - maybe it's Latin! Tandum ergo shmuck.

Roille Figners said...

Anonymous you're not "in" the first ten. (Not in me anyway... can't speak for the other 9.) Je suis chez les premiers dix might be closer, but I'm not sure... or maybe you would use en, but I'm pretty sure dans is wrong and you need a plural.

David Pearce said...

Ya know.... Nicolas Fouquet, Secretary of the French Treasury for Louis XIV, got into big, big trouble for the welcoming gala he threw for the King at his new and first of its kind palace, Vaux le Vicomte.

The King, at dinner, congratulated Fouquet on the excellence of his "plate", his service dinner plates, which he thought were the normal style, gold-plated, i.e., gold OVER silver. (Plata means silver in Spanish, probably in Latin, too, and has come to mean any of our modern plates over time).

Anyway the King congratulated Fouquet on the quality of his "plate". Fouquet foolishly replied, "It is not plate, Sire, it is gold," i.e., solid gold.

So two weeks after this faux pas, Fouquet was arrested, tried, spent the rest of his life in prison; Vaux le Vicomte was confiscated and its furniture taken; Fouquet's wife died in poverty; And Louis XIV, not to be outdone, took Fouquet's architect, interior decorator, and garden designer, away to a little hunting lodge outside of Paris, and created Versailles.

So perhaps it's just as well as this stupid fat bike here is only gold-plated!

Comment deleted said...

You can become a former physicist by dissing Physics. However, Physics will then send goons to harass you, declare you a "suppressive person", sue you, spread false rumors about you, and generally do whatever it can to destroy your life.

Oh wait, that's Scientology.

crosspalms said...

I think it takes 750 hours because tempering the chocolate for the saddle is a tricky process. Can't be rushed.

babble on said...

WHAT?! My ass is Canada? Geez. It's a bit curvy, but Canada is massive. Ginormous really.

Non-religious indeed. Scientology is even worse than religion. It's a cult.

Heh heh. ..."if anyone ever tries to teach any one of my seventeen (17) children a "lesson" like this, I'll put that watermelon right up their ass." :D ++
I'm with you.

Anonymous said...

My 12 year old bike riding/skate boarding son just read this entry to me and had a great time doing it!

And, the golden bell will sound "BLING! BLING!"

Anonymous said...

dry humped.

1904 Cadardi said...

Hey Babble-babe,

Cassette? How long do you think those shiny brake rotors will last up in your rainy neck of the woods?

Anonymous said...

ant1st blows goats.

David Pearce said...

Is it really, REALLY, necessary to put the cents into the price of your golden bike if sells for one million dollars?

From the website: " $1,000,000.00 "

Thank God the photographer is "world renowned" (despite the fact that I wasn't aware of him)--it just wouldn't do if the photographer was just a photographer.

Just as it wouldn't do if the Yorkshire knitting lady was not "prolific". Gotta let the people know, this is not just a regular website with good ol' regular folks, it's a super-duper website with super-duper uber-people....

Oh god....

Flyover BC said...

WCRM, given your oft expressed love for cats, are you one of the suspects, in te Yonkers case?

CommieCanuck said...

$1M dollars for a gold plated bike?

At the price of gold, that bike would have to weigh over 2kg, or >50lbs.

They shoulda made a fat bike.

CommieCanuck said...

NOFN QUIZ

CommieCanuck said...

balls, 23 kg

Roille Figners said...

Fouquet, I'm leasing a Peugeot.

Roille Figners said...

I'm great at math, but suck at spelling; that's why I'm always on about

oeinfas polynomils

Spokey said...

Should I be wearing the watermelon with my helment on top of that? Or should the watermelon go on top of the helment?

Will a fly6 provide adequate evidence for a massive lawsuit by my heirs when that nasty little girl sneak up behind me with a sledge hammer?



robot is acting ryboang today. I think a little pepto will do the trick

the commentariat said...

Dave Peirce, cool story, bro. Can you tell it again?

wishiwasmerckx said...

For a cool million, I want the nose of my alligator-skinned saddle fully erect. Somebody get that limp saddle nose some Viagra, stat!

Spokey said...

okay. a questionaire for all the Scientology (or is it scienturgic?) readers.

How do you electroplate a non-conducting plastic brake & shift cable housing?


robot sez there are 11 52995634 reasons to buy a gold bike. But I'm still keeping my gold in those cute canadian maple leaf gold circles although I'm hoping they put cute little george on it soon to replace the old hag.

dancesonpedals said...

You can't spell Scientology without Schenectady

Anonymous said...

that seat looks like more fun than a ride in "the pink canoe" - wink wink

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...hahaha... at around second 14 in the video, an intelligent member of the audience screams, 'i don't believe that,' to his assertion that it used to be a catapult. hahaha

yes, bot, she was every onstaty.

ge said...

For the record, today's post was just batshit crazy. I don't think I could handle a quiz after reading that.

And people, weren't you paying attention?

SOLID GOLD. GOLD PLATED. SAME THING. It's scientology, stupid. Get with the program, or else.

Roille Figners said...

It takes a lot to get kicked out of physics. Like molesting the physics-altarboys.

ge said...

Retrogrouch, what's even better is the kids are booing him when he puts the helment on the watermelon. Lesson learned.

Dream Job said...

Yo Gold Chainz and kittens where's the sound system?

Euro Spondee said...

Yay, Friday French connection...

@Roille Figners - I'm pretty sure dans is wrong and you need a plural.

I think I am with you there Roille - I'm not native French, but I would go with je suis parmi les dix premiers.

@David Pearce - I haven't heard that story in a while, and it is a good one. I have been to Vaux le Vicomte, and it is easier to traipse around than its bigger younger sibling. Very pretty if you like that kind of thing.

1904 Cadardi said...

Spokey,

Here's how you chrome plate plastic.

But, the scientitians probably have some method involving miticlorians or something left behind by long dead aliens. Either that or they used spray paint.

On a related note: how long does a solid gold (plated) quick release last before needing replacement?

CommieCanuck said...

Should I be wearing the watermelon with my helment on top of that? Or should the watermelon go on top of the helment?

This is what I do.

CommieCanuck said...

How do you electroplate a non-conducting plastic brake & shift cable housing?

Traditional chroming has gone the way of the dodo due to the nasty chemicals that turn yer balls into raisins.
Spray chrome deposition is safe and works on anything.

ChamoisJuice said...

As I got older, my erections got less firm, and Viagra gave me four-hour boners, so I had my Johnson chrome-plated. Works like a charm. I highly recommend it. For her pleasure -- and yours.

Cliven Bundy said...

The Jew was better off while in slavery in ancient Egypt.

Spokey said...

CC

so you think they lied to us. They just sprayed on some faux gold goop?

Also, I can't find where they take paypal. I think snobby is making this up. From their website:

The House of Solid Gold accepts the following credit cards : Visa, MasterCard, JBC, American Express, UnionPay, Diner’s Club and Discover. Cards issued by banks domiciled outside the United States of America must be international credit card.

http://www.thehouseofsolidgold.com/onine-purchase-information/

from the actual product page:

"We do not accept payment by Credit Card or PayPal for this item. Please proceed to checkout and choose the payment method: "Cashier's Check / Money Order / Bank Wire Transfer"."

http://www.thehouseofsolidgold.com/24k-gold-extreme-mountain-bike/


roboto sez forget that snobby hyundai, it's going for a rtakablo camino

Anonymous said...

Please add your contributions to the Snobby Dictionary.

This is what has been compiled so far;

Helment.

Crabon.

Tandum.

Breaks.

Peddles.

ge said...

Do Floridian kids get chocolate brown alligators for Easter?

Anon, beyond wheelbrows and filth prophylactics I seriously can't tell the difference between Snob words and dictionary words anymore. Pretty sure all of yours were co-opted by WCRM. Well, maybe not Tandum.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Woosies

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and my new personal favorite:

plastic dork chariot

Roille Figners said...

dick breaks

smugness flotilla

pants yabbies

those curly handlebars like they use in the Tour de France

and of course, scranus

babble on said...

Right? Cept mine's titanium.

1904 Cadardi - 'bout ten minutes. With luck, and no rain that day.

Spokey said...

babs sez - Right? Cept mine's titanium.

You talking about that curvy ass that you claim ain't as big as canada?




roboto barks istermreu from titanium asses

McFly said...

Why didn't they just use the dead cats for ammo in the seldge-apult? You can stack em however. Cause they dead.

The Dictionary Dick said...

RF, Scranus! Scranus!! How could I have forgotten scranus!!!

And one is reminded of the rare, but equally delightful vulvanus.

Wishiwasmerckz, not sure how unique "woosies" is to Snobby, but for this Companion Reader Snobby Dictionary Project to gain any traction on Kickstarter, it needs to be as comprehensive as possible, so woosies is in.

The Snobby Dictionary so far;

Helment.

Crabon.

Tandum.

Breaks.

Peddles.

Scranus.

Vulvanus.

Woosies.

plastic dork chariot.

dick breaks.

smugness flotilla.

pants yabbies.

those curly handlebars like they use in the Tour de France.

Cover design suggestions are now being accepted as well as more lingua Snob words for the inside of the dictionary.

PS don't nobody tell Snobby this is happening, he'll want a share of the profits. Greedy bastard.

Grump said...

Strange, that guy doesn't look like Gallagher to me......
.
.

Mother Hubbard said...

Ow! Fucking thetans. Ouch! Fuck!

Oh, and selfaver gravity.

ge said...

I guess, since my entries have fallen into disuse in the last 5 years or so, they weren't recognized, but could be attributed as archaic. More archaic entries:

Ironic Orange Julius
World's Greatest Madone
Lone Wolf
Diminutive Frenchman Unit (DFU)
Fixed Gear Apocalypse
Pista Index
Chris King Headset Composite Index
Great Hipster Silk Route
Lob

Fre Unchio said...

It is very hard to become a former physicist, dangerous you could say. Remember Scotty on Star Trek always yelling "I can't defy the laws of physics"?

Oh, he could, alright, but it would have cost him dearly.

ken e. said...

"time and space have become a loop!"
ride safe y'all!

The Dictionary Dick said...

Dear ge,

Although the Handy Companion Reader Snobby Dictionary Guide will, of course, be a scholarly work, we will eschew the practise of categorising archaic entries into categories like "archaic" because, you know, it takes effort and commitment to do that shit.

But rest assured your splendid submissions have been gratefully received and added to list.

At decent intervals, we will update the Snobbysphere on the progress of The Essential Handy Companion Reader Snobby Dictionary Guide and look forward to receiving more entries from this august community.

Contributors may wish to start thinking about definitions; we'd like to restrict the definition of 'scranus' , for instance, to about ten pages or fifteen for the illustrated edition.

Fall Guy said...

The former physicist was just trying to show kids the gravity of the situation.

Anonymous said...

I like Gallagher, he was a funny guy if you were high enough. I suppose you have a problem with Carrot Top too.
Must be why you're the Snob.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Gold Snobbie, Gold.

XL Pipedream said...

That bling bike is plated with Au or as an Canadian physicist would say, "Eh you".

McFly said...

FUN FACT! Sean Kelly rode Paris Roubaix 15 times and never had a puncture.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Dictionary Dick, you are exposing yourself as a noob.

BSNYC once left the Scattante locked up along with a comment box, and one of the comments famously informed him that fixed gears were for woosies.

He may not have coined the term, but since then, it has had a storied history around these parts.

You'll never win a Kludgie with that kind of detective work.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Oh, and 98...

wishiwasmerckx said...

...99...

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and 100th!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Word of the day:

Etymology.

ce said...

Straya segment: Yamba Bowlo/Pacific Hotel
Date: ANZAC Day
Beers shouted to mates: 5
Beers received in return from so called mates: 1
Total beers consumed: Too many
Spews: 2

ce said...

Several more Woosiepedia entries:
Salmon
Planet Tridork
Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo" Speed

Old Foaming at the Mouth said...

30 Dead Cats. Leroy's Dog must be the prime suspect.

Nice Indeed said...

Babs, If Canada was shaped like your ass, I'd move to Canada. What is the zip code for Wreck Beach?

Good Luck RQ said...

RoadQueen: "I will be DIRECTING traffic in a crowded parking complex tomorrow from 9 am-1 pm."

Strange place for a horse show.

Race Across Pa. said...

JonWebb@1255: "a race across Pennsylvania (this year Philadelphia->Pittsburgh)."

That state is anything but flat. That must be a brutal test of man or beast.

dancesonpedals said...

I could build a dildo with a gps insert and a strava app for cycling ladies...we'd be able to chart lady fred hoo-hoo speed

babble on said...

Speaking of woo hoo speeds, what is the fastest speed a road bike has ever achieved? Wikipedia says people on recumbents and behind vehicles go ridiculous speeds (166mph+)!!, but what about sans motors, a person on a regular, two-triangle road bike?

Exactly what IS terminal fredly woo hoo velocity?

babble on said...

dancesonpedals - that would be a woo-woo woo-hoo detector.

rudy jenkins said...

Dear RTMS,

Best post evar! The seat metaphor was deeply and especially moving. I am still thinking about it. And I know you all like to joke about it. But if you ever do decide to give up on that warped country you call home, Mexico is close and is a pretty nice place to ride a bike.

Saludos,
Jim

dancesonpedals said...

perusing wikipedia, the world record for the flying 200 meter time trial is 9.347 seconds, set by Francois 'the perv' Pervis of France in December 2013. That works out to about 77 kph or 47.75 mph.

Road racers in mass sprints with a leadout seem to be about the same.

babble on said...

Yeah, but I hit 77 km/hr regularly with the help of hills and gravity, so there's no way THAT's any where near terminal fredly woo hoo velocity...

leroy said...

My dog thinks we should wait until the gold bike is available on Nashbar.

dancesonpedals said...

at least 170 kph
this video as it all

one successful ride, with a cam on the bike, a second run with a crash, slo mo crash porn, and some cheese cake with the surviving rider in briefs

Tom Cruise's Closet said...

Okay, looks like it's been sorta pointed out, but Way to Happiness is a back door to the Hubbardites. Way to Happiness
Cuz back door is how Xenu likes it.

biking the live fantastic said...

Helmets is for swabs.

Matt said...

They take Diners Club. That's so cute.

Anonymous said...

Thirty dead cats hanging in a tree? Sounds like a weeks worth of meals for my pit bull.

ce said...

Babs, you crazy sexy crazy lady, the son of a Saudi oil baron who buys the golden fatty won't be wearing the plating off the drivetrain by peddleling, he'll have his trained sled leopard team out front pulling him across the sand dunes. He'll be occupied enough surveying his domain through gold rimmed mirror reflective aviator sunglasses, unslinging on a whim his gold plated AK to take pot shots at the dirty peasants.

Later, he'll recover the cost of the golden bullets from the mourning peasant familys.

Sorry, I'm daydreaming again.

Anonymous said...

first it's watermelons, and then they're in your ass. Now you're suggesting bananas? pervert

Fisher of Women said...

Its going to be a great summer. One boat ride and one back bay tug job. Just may name her THE TUG BOAT. There was a fishing tournament in progress. Everyone was tryin to get something to nibble their worm.

babble on said...

Ce - thank you for that. Um, and yeah, but does his team of big fat sled cats help him break any land speed records while he's taking pot shots at the peasants?

I've been told in no uncertain terms that 77 kph IS the record I'm looking for, because yada yada yada, even though I was pretty certain I was interested in finding out just how fast a woo- hooing Fred can possibly go.

dancesonpedals said...

you ask many questions grasshopper...many answers are needed..

why is there air? to fill basketballs

how fast can an unassisted cyclist pedal? 77 kph

what is the air speed of a swallow? (European or African)

what did the elephant say to the naked man? (how do you breathe through tha thing?)

cycling gifts said...

Drinking and cycling is like drinking and flirting—it’s pretty likely you’re going to wind up hitting something, and the results are probably going to be ugly.

McFly said...

Did anyone catch those batshit final laps of The Little 500 at the University of Indiana?

Allez Cat said...

I'm pretty sure that King Midas owned a golden bike though he later said "Fuck this gold shit!" and started to hang out with Pan and ride some trails.

ce said...

Well, I've just completed some extensive research and have discovered that a leopard can run at up to 58 koalamaters per hour (36 mph) over short distances (Wikipedia 2014). Now, we need to find out what the optimal sled leopard team size for sprint distances would be. Ideally, I would scientifically trial a range of leopard team sizes, but given that this is not an option available to me at this time, I will make some assumptions based on the information currently available in the literature (youtube - it has words too). It seems that a typical bikejoring team consists of just 2 dogs, but I think in the situation where an ultra-wealthy oil prince where going for an all out sled leopard speed record, and money was not an issue, he would do best to model his team size on the 8 dog team that set the Guinness World Record for the fastest 100m dog sled on sand. Now, as a former physicist, all I need to do is use the equation "e=(BS)-z³", where "B" is single leopard top speed, "S" is sled leopard team size and "z" is the weight of the golden valve caps (the critical rotational weight). This should give us "e", the expected sled leopard team speed. So, by my calculations, using randomly selected units of measure (random is scientific), an 8 leopard team should give an average billionaire on a stock standard gold plated fat bike a top speed of 463 km/h.

ce said...

Woosiepedia entry:

Koalamaters

Anonymous said...

Last time I checked 8 x 58 = 464.

Did you forget how to math?

babble on said...

Speaking of plastic dork chariots... the head of BC Master's cycling association is selling his $13,000 specimen for just shy of $4000. I will ask him for a photo and details for a bit of show and tell later on.

ALL CAPS said...

SCRANUS

Anonymous said...

"Rabbit corpses core of new art exhibit - Canada - CBC News
Sep 10, 1999 - A new art exhibit is already sparking controversy in Winnipeg, ... and the exhibit features dead rabbits hanging from trees."
Maybe the dead cat thing is an attempt at art in the fashion of our neighbors to the north....

ge said...

ce - reminds me, another woosiepedia entry: km = Kangaroo Miles. Nice avatar btw. Oh, and math.

Now if someone could start a collection of all of Snob's references to the USA as Canada's ____ and all the Canada/Mexico derivatives.

was sthateg - yeah, I guess I was. Ego non robot, ergo sum

JLRB said...

Wet-spot-slowly-spreading-across-the-front-of-my-jeans psyched

'cause I could actually read a captcha

James said...

That gold thing is a 2013 Salsa Mikluk 2 XL aluminum. MSRP for complete bike $2450. Even with the minimal amount of electroplate gold, and if the electroplaters charged $100/hour, it can't be worth more that $90K USD.

James said...

My mistake, they put 6 karats of diamonds and sapphires in the headbadge.
I give it a generous $115K.

html challenged said...

Ima chrome my bike. Here's Jay Leno telling me how. It's worth watching just to catch Jay's hairdo. Holy Bed Head, Batman!

http://youtu.be/A-1cTpSZ1l8

David's Poor Cousin said...

And you may ask yourself
Why is that large automobile trying to kill me?

And you may tell yourself
This is not my overleveraged house

And you may tell yourself
This is not my bitchy wife