The major design flaw here of course is that any triathlete who attempts to put on or remove sunglasses while operating a bicycle is bound to crash, though the upside is that it makes your bike look like an awesome robotic space insect from the planet Crabon:
I'm not sure the sunglasses holder is going to take over the world, but the Crabon Insect-o-Bots very well might.
Meanwhile, remember how I went to Central Park and stumbled up on a real life fixie team photo shoot, complete with gratuitous ass crack?
Well it turns out I was watching history in the making, because I just got an email from a marketing person informing me of the world-altering formation of this very same fixie team, and the website reads like it was written by Insect-O-Bots from the planet Crabon:
Track bike, fixed-gear, brakeless. No freewheel, no stops. Creative and competitive. This is Team Cinelli Chrome. Different from others living cyclism. No pro-director, masseurs or official mechanics. An independent, semi-organized posse, perfectly self-sufficient, total autonomy travelers. It takes shape to race six international Fixed Gear Criteriums, and blends into the urban fabric after the races. A handful of characters borrowed from the city: bike messengers, track champions, and former Pro Tour mechanics.
It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Fixed Gear Criteriums are not a fad. They’re a direct outcome of the progression of the fixed-gear movement. This phenomenon was arguably born in San Francisco among the bike messengers and is now well established all around the world as a way of commuting and communicating. A way of being: free, creative, independent.
Racing on fixed-gear bicycles? Who would have thought it possible? I stopped reading at "This phenomenon was arguably born in San Francisco" because I started choking on my Froot Loops, but then, foolishly, I started reading again:
Cinelli and Chrome have contributed to the dawn of this world. Before it was fashionable. Against any rational reason or strategic marketing idea. People thought we were fools. Today they chase. Joined by common values and mutual respect for making great products, Cinelli and Chrome are proud to support Team Cinelli Chrome.
Cinelli and Chrome have contributed to the dawn of which world exactly? The world of the Insect-O-Bots? As for Cinelli, it's widely known that the only product of theirs worth buying is their handlebar tape, though unfortunately they've used its phenomenal success to bankroll all manner of dubious products, such as sending Lucas Brunelle to Africa to ride a bicycle called a "Hobo Bootleg" through a nuclear reactor. Chrome, meanwhile, have gotten a huge amount of mileage out of putting a seatbelt buckle on a messenger bag, thus cementing their present-day status as the Green Day of urban cycling companies. However, if you really want "street cred," you need to have an obscure bag made by an obscure craftsperson using obscure fabrics. For example, I'm currently "running" a bag made from reclaimed police-issue bulletproof vest kevlar, foot-sewn by an armless guy in a Staten Island basement that's still got four feet of standing water in it from Hurricane Sandy.
I'd tell you who he is, but he'd stand to make millions, and then I wouldn't be cool anymore.
Anyway, everyone knows this whole fixie crit thing is on its way out, and that "normcore" crits on bikes from Target are poised to become the new alleycat.
I mean really, it's like Woodstock '99 all over again.
Now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right then exude smugness, and if you're wrong you'll see crash testing.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and be careful with your sunglasses.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) In honor of the Tour of Flanders, a Portland food truck is attempting to re-brand "frites" as "Fred fries."
2) Which is not an attribute of the "Pulsium?"
--"Elastomer bung in the lower branch"
--"Astonishingly fast ass-to-mouth transfer"
3) The "safety light" revolutionized bicycle illumination in the 19th century by eliminating the persistent problem of live monkey attacks.
4) Early Ford newspaper advertisements touted the Model T's fuel economy by saying it was "Thrifty as a Hebrew."
5) Eddie Merckx gets to wear his glasses however he wants because:
--He won a bunch of bike races, whereas you didn't because you suck
--He comes from a time before helments and is thus exempt from all helment etiquette
--It's physically impossible to look cool on a road bicycle after age 35 so what's the difference?
--All of the above
("So it's true, bikes do have wheels.")
6) The latest useless cycling-related study reveals that:
--Helments are best worn on the head
--Brakes are useful in the prevention of cycling crashes
--Bicycles produce fewer emissions than cars
--Kids are especially good at mashing their genitals on their top tubes
(Fucking allergy weeds.)
7) When it comes to springtime, cycling in New York City is:
***Special Scranus-Rattling Bonus Video!***