Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Yesterday's Expedition Is Today's Vacation

All right, I have to go to the dentist to get my bunions polished so let's get right to it.

Firstly, Knog, the first name in Australian bicycle illumination, wants you to know that they're having a contest:


All you have to do is submit a photo of you and your favourite place to ride with the hashtag #NoOrdinaryRide via Twitter or Instagram, or enter via this link for Facebook for your chance to win.

The best four entries will be chosen on March 10th and will win a Knog Blinder Arc 1.7 or 5.5 light.

Full details of the competition can be found here.

So go ahead and enter, but you should note that I've already won, because there's no way you're going to beat my submission:


Yes, that's me riding on my favorite road, which you'll surely recognize as the loop in New York City's Central Park.

By the way, Bret's fame is now such that he has spawned many imitators:


(Spotted on the Bicycling site.)

But thou shalt have no other Freds before Bret, so accept no substitutes:


(The One True Bret, via Stephane)

Nextly, this guy wants to go on an extended bike vacation, and he needs $12,000 (or CAD$13,295.27) from you in order to do it:


"So what's in it for me?," you're asking.  Well, he'll make you an Internet TV show you'll never watch, so there's that


"Imagine if Lewis and Clark had been able to film their expedition and upload it to YouTube for you to watch!"

Yes, imagine!  Imagine also they were a comedy duo and they attempted to entertain the Native American tribes along the way.  There would certainly be no shortage of hilarious misunderstandings:

On April 11, while the Corps was waiting for the snow to diminish, Lewis' dog, Seaman, was stolen by Indians but was retrieved shortly. Worried that other such acts might follow, Lewis warned the chief that any other wrongdoing or mischievous acts would result in instant death.

Heh, heh.  The dog's name was "Seaman."


(Seaman is coming.)

Anyway, I'm not sure this Internet TV show could approach the "dramedy" of Indians stealing Lewis's Seaman in the night, but at the very least there should be plenty of pannier porn:


Plus, he'll share his experiences, introduce us to people, and eat giant invisible ears of corn along the way:


"I'll be using my skills to share my experiences on the road and introduce you to people I meet along the way!"

I'm not sure that's a selling point, because I've checked out his route, and I'd be horrified to meet the inhabitants of nearly all of those states:


(Alaska?  Idaho?  Utah?!?  Terrifying.)

Though I would like to see him battle wolves and bears:

Bears, Wolves, and Semi-Trucks are just a few of the obstacles that I will face along this 6000 mile solo journey by bike. This a journey that will push myself physically and mentally. There will be dangers lingering around every corner, but one of the biggest challenges will be delivering fresh video content on a regular basis.

And once he gets his twelve thousand dollars, he'll start uploading videos in May, at which point you can expect a whole lot of this:


Interspersed with awkward interviews and the occasional wolf and/or bear attack.

By the way, at one point in the video he unleashes a "Wooo!"


I know what Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed is, but I have no idea what the loaded touring equivalent is, and I'm hoping this project finally reveals it.

And here's his trusty steed, the saddle and levers pointing optimistically towards the sun:


It's an optimistic title too, though I'm not sure you can call riding to Florida "Biking Into The World."  It's more like "Biking Out Of The World And Into The Land Of Retirement And Death."



Most of this was pretty familiar, but I did learn some new things.  For example, did you know Danish people don't consider cycling exercise?

One of the most interesting insights the Danish researchers share is how they've discovered that many Danes don't consider cycling exercise. "People here can easily be riding back and forth 5 km per day, and if you ask them on a questionnaire if they are physically active, they will say 'No, I don't do any exercise'," says Ledgaard Holm. For many here, she says, it's not a choice of activity, but your mode of transport.

This is pretty much the opposite of America, where we don't consider snacking eating--which explains our obesity epidemic:


(In America, only actual meals count, so snack all you want.)

Also, the good news is that roads aren't getting more dangerous, but the bad news is that it's because nobody goes outside anymore since walking and riding bikes means almost certain death:

One of the trends Roberts has puzzled over is the long-term decline in the death rates of British pedestrians, despite an increase in motorisation. "Road safety people would point to it as an example of how roads are getting safer. But I was a little bit sceptical … because [the] volume of kinetic energy on the road was going up." An alternative hypothesis was that in industrialised countries, there were fewer people walking, something investigated in research he conducted while working in New Zealand. "Over the years it became obvious that people were walking and cycling less than ever before in the history of humans on the planet," says Roberts. "The world was not getting safer, it was getting more hostile, and people were voting with their feet by getting out of the way."

Depressing.

Pass the Cheetos.


93 comments:

Anonymous said...

First Yeah!!

DogShot said...

Woo-hoo speed!

Jasper said...

Early doors

JB said...

Seaman was a Newfoundland dog-type.

Euro Spondee said...

If he's biking into the world, then can we assume he is on another planet at the moment?

leroy said...

My dog wishes to report that he will not be changing his name.

Blog Drafter said...

I rode my bike this morning.

I had fun.

That is all, Scranus.

McFly said...

NO MEAT = JUST A SNACK

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Still single digit cold here in the hinterlands. I rode the four wheeled recumbent to work today.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

- 4 American so no riding today. I'm a wuss.

BamaPhred said...

I see the Snob needs a prototype of the Leroy's Dog Cheetos Portaging Device. Stuffung those loose Cheetos and Froot Loops into the pockets of that leather jacket can't be a good plan

Freddy Murcks said...

Dear Snob,
We’re having a brutal Arctic winter in Southern Ontario. On the plus side of being kept indoors, I’ve had more time to perfect scranus maintenance techniques (I have also been spending a lot of time working on my masturbating technique, but I am saving that story for my submission to Kuku Penthouse Forum). A couple of items overlooked in the past, I thought might be worth sharing with fellow Bike Snob readers.

For a couple of seasons, I’ve heard a kind of creaking sound from my scranus and feeling slight but perceptible friction, particularly the rear. I first thought one of my butt plug sections was a bit off. The “irritation” persisted after I removed, reamed, and reinstalled the butt plug. I finally isolated the noise/friction to my corn hole itself (Shimano 7800). The culprit was located at the end of my colon where it runs inside a plastic bushing (also Shimano 7800). So now, in addition to lubing all the pivot points, I now squirt a couple of drops of Finish Line Teflon Dry Lube in the bushings. My scranus/butt plug combo has never been smoother!

My scranus has a replaceable scrotum hanger, as many a scranus now has. I was surprised to find the two mounting bolts had loosened. The pressure of setting my scranus on my bike saddle helps to keep things tight, but loose bolts could cause some loss of pedaling precision. A couple of drops of Loctite should prevent recurrence.

So I’ve added these two items to my maintenance checklist. Hope this helps others.
— Freddy



pnhand community

DB said...

I haven't quite decided where Harrison will meet his untimely death, there are so many possibilities. The logging trucks, the F-150's, the lets shoot the cyclist from our moving vehicle folks or some crazy off his meds guy at the local bar he walks into.

Gee Business said...

Wooo! Loaded panniers and still in the top twenty

Logbig said...

I hope the guy gets his money and includes regular video updates in regards to his scranus health. I suspect that the upward seat angle will destroy his taint and ability to fornicate. Post trip, he'll need to get a dog named Semen to fill the void in his life.

3G said...

I vote with my checkbook!

Anonymous said...

*Shouts random position, whilst raising arms and thanking family/friends for the achievement*

Anonymous said...

I once read that the Lewis and Clark expedition ate some of their loyal dogs during their stay in Washington (because they really wanted some red meat, and the smoked salmon that the indians could provide them just wasn't good enough).

babble on said...

And thou shalt neither take the name of thy Lord Fred in vain...

Meat makes a great snack, too, McFly.

Leroy -Change it?! Heaven forbid. It's a great name, and one of my all time favourite things.

Lewison Clark said...

He'll soon be known as Numb Nuts if he doesn't do something about that saddle. Hurts just to look at the photos. At least it's not an ASSEX saddle though, I guess. Double ouch!

mikeweb said...

leroy mentioned Cheetos yesterday.

I think he's ghost writing for Snobber now.

balls™ said...

The inclusion of Cheetos only proves that the Snob wrote this post yesterday at 4:20.


Reverse cowgirl!

WIZ !! JAY said...

Those snooty French
Contraflow = Salmon

le Correcteur said...

So, late late late last week; early today. You're messing with us, WRM!

As a result: pack fodder and unread.

Damn!

babble on said...

At least with his numb nuts he won't be expanding the gene pool...

CommieCanuck said...

Voting with their feet? Stupid.
The logical explanation is that brits are getting fatter and this layer of fat acts as a body healment in case of accident. Thus, they survive more car hits.
Case-in-point: Robs Fords gets hits by buses about once a week while in a drunken stupor on his way to get home and eat plenty.

CommieCanuck said...

We’re having a brutal Arctic winter in Southern Ontario.

I just came back totally sun burnt from my vacation in Buffalo, NY.

Lights, Camera, Action said...

Annie Leibovitz will photograph Rob Ford sitting nude on a bicycle. That will win one of the four prizes.

babble on said...

Commmmmmmieeeeeeee!! Welcome back! :D

North of the NSA Border. said...

Good to see CommieCanuck escaped imprisonment in Rob Ford's dungeon.

McFly said...

Mrs. McFly is a great portion Native American Indian....she got the dark skin and the warpath tendencies......I wonder if she is down with some Sacagawea role play......just call me Shaves Scranus In Shower....

Hmmmmmmm.....

walt said...

Snob, enjoy this recent "report" from the transportation research board. Maybe you will have "bicycle only" stoplights coming to NYC soon... http://www.trb.org/main/blurbs/170274.aspx

ken e. said...

uhh cheetos!

Eurodude said...

Tuesday weed, baby

I shit you not, bot says: stone vbsounc

This is cosmic.

Anonymous said...

Robot told me to "pick yesourc". eewwww..

Freddy Murcks said...

Robot Captcha: large erCemen

I shit you not.

CommieCanuck said...

Annie Leibovitz will photograph Rob Ford sitting nude on a bicycle. That will win one of the four prizes.

...if one of those prizes is strongest crabon bike frame. Ultra mega modulus required.

I'm back from Canada's southern Kuku penthouse, where riding a Harley is considered exercise.

Rusty Red said...

Dammit, now I'm craving Cheetos

db said...

"I'd be horrified to meet the inhabitants of nearly all of those states."

Hugs from Idaho!
.


Anonymous said...

Puked on my erection.

dcee604 said...

He's biking across this great country of ours? Which country? USA or Canada? And we don't have States, we have Provinces. Just sayin'

Anonymous said...

WTF is with the bot today? Salacious or what!

ityight fixt

Anonymous said...

Looks like Harrison is only $11,690 away from his $12,000 goal. I think someone won't be leaving their job at the local Subway any time soon.

Anonymous said...

just like Lewis and clark, except: paved roads, warm hotels, GPS, smart phone, twitter, fast food restaurants, etc.

McFly said...

I actually have a set of Scott Flight clamp-on Horse Shoe lookin aero bars STILL IN THE BOX if he really wants to set his Bret costume off. Soul patch not included.

Anonymous said...

It is recorded that Lewis and Clark were the first white people to reach the Pacific Northwest by an overland route, and the first to complain about the weather as being cold, wet, rainy, and disagreeable.

Anonymous said...

Cheetos Nachos rock the house!

Stu Rasmussen said...

The audacity of people asking for money to go on bike tours; almost everyone including myself does it on our own dime, mostly a pretty cheap and slow way to travel with long stretches of flat boring terrain. The Coppola "comedy" duo were an amusing couple who made goofy videos of their self-torture and raised a bunch of money for OTHER people. And then there is a ton of tour reports at crazyguyonabike.com

Dooth said...

"Imagine if Lewis and Clark had been able to film their expedition and upload it to YouTube for you to watch!"

Harrison, put the pipe down.

rural 14 said...

Rural 1st!
Why why why is funding other people's vacations a 'thing' now? Hello entitled younkers! Harrison...you don't need $12,000 to do a measly ride coast to coast. Get a job / save 3k, and then take off. Why make more imbecilic fodder...make intelligent fodder = STFU

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The L & C expedition used a Girandoni Air Rifle to woo every tribe of savages they encountered on their trip to Portland.

Winkybiker said...

"Pucher's 2012 book written with Ralph Buehler listed figures for annual fatalities per 10,000 daily cyclists: Copenhagen 0.3, Amsterdam 0.4, Vancouver 0.9, Toronto 1.3, Portland 1.9, Montréal 2.0, Paris 8.2, London 11.0 and New York 37.6 (all 2010 except Paris, London and New York, 2009)."

I was a bit shocked by this from the article. Commuting in Vancouver (as I do) is a doddle compared to London and New York, it seems.

Anonymous said...

stupid bike video, involving red bull, ice racing, Richie Schley and dood in a clown suit on fat bike

ge said...

...people were walking and cycling less than ever before in the history of humans on the planet

Even less than before bikes were invented? That is depressing.

Robot said 29 26423228. Can you believe it? What are the odds?

RoadQueen said...

NUMB NUTS

Somebody had to tat it.

McFly said...

Would it be possible to retrofit a Tasco 4 x 15 to the Girandoni. If I can talk hunny bunny into some L&C role play over at Land Between the Lakes I will to at least plink a squirrel to get her revved up.

Anonymous said...

GE:

81 billion to 1, those are the odds.

(9x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x9), assuming zeros are valid for the inside numbers, if not it would be

(9x9x9x9x9x9x9x9x9x9) or 3,486,784,401 to 1.

Anonymous said...

Here is a tri-dork with a Seven with a hideous front end set up changing a flat tire! It's very uplifting!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWCDEAYn8rQ&feature=youtu.be

ge said...

Anon 3:29, if you were to represent that with cassettes it would be cheaper to go with 10 - 9 speeds than 2 - 9's and 8-10s, not to mention you might get a better deal in quantities of 10 or more. So I'll go with the lower odds for financial reasons.

52 24999283 - robot, always with the numbers. Would it kill you to toss a few words my way?

Anonymous said...

Rumour has it that Meriwether Lewis was a poofter, not there's anything wrong with that.

I guess it goes without saying that Meriwether was fond of Seaman, if not seamen, and/or semen

Anonymous said...

Harry went to the Bob Roll school of hand gestures.

ouabacher said...

Well, with a name like Meriwether........

ouabacher said...

Not that there's anything wrong with that

four hour erection said...

My girlie says if I can get a kickstarter to give HER the money to bike across 'Murica, she'll let me cum on her face! If only my nuts weren't numb from my tilted bike saddle...

Anonymous said...

Crowdbegging

Brown Eye Willy said...

Seaman had a dingy brown color to him. Has he been playin in a mud hole? You really shouldn't let him jump up around your face when he has been playin in a mud hole.

Beerfueled said...

(Alaska? Idaho? Utah?!? Terrifying.)

Yes, terrifying, but it appears that the plan is to cross Wyoming (often mighty windy), then down to Denver. No Utah required.

It is a very beautiful state, though.

-larry

Bogusboy said...

Holy smokes!!!!!! Danes are cycling 5 km per day??????

No wonder they don't consider it to be exercise.

Just Say No to Nude Ford Photos said...

"Annie Leibovitz will photograph Rob Ford sitting nude on a bicycle."

The mental image that conjures up is really unsettling.

69696969 is that the capcha or Babble's phone number?

dick hertz said...

after riding 12,000 miles my dick hurts

Anonymous said...

Fat Tuesday Fattie

Anonymous said...

Yesterday's Erection is Today's Vascectomy

Spirit of the Blog said...

Commmmmmmieeeeeeee!! Welcome back! :D

babble on, puleeeeeeeeeeze leave! :D

Anonymous said...

"Tour equivalent" is "ODEN!!!!"

babble on said...

Anonyhater - You're back, are you? Once again,thanks doll. As you know, any press is good press.


No. I'm here to stay. Suck it up, buttercup. After you're done licking my pink canoe, that is...

McFly said...

Just because you extract protein from meat does not mean you are "having a snack" BO...it just means you are a good girlfriend.


capchta= Escarbuncle Efertym...wasn't he Director Sportif of the KAZ Team in '68?

JLRB said...

Once a species nears extinction the death rate always drops

seenano lest

Anonymous said...

"7 is the new 11" - Sram

crosspalms said...

I'd have been here sooner but thanks to Knog I was busy SPANKING NEW BLINDER ARC. Took a while for my hand to stop stinging.

BIG GIVE AWAY said...

Light Co. is giving away 4 lights with a total retial of 250, that cost it maybe 25% of that. Is the company on the edge, or as the saying goes "last person out turn off the lights"?

JLrB said...

woooo hooooo

Anonymous said...

There's pretty much only one attention starved person around here who gets bad press. That's not something I'd be proud of, nor pompous about.

babble on said...

LOL! Honey, I couldn't care less what some nasty internet troll with psychiatric issues thinks of me. Did you hear Lupita Nyong'o's speech on the true nature of beauty?

You have a very long way to go. Sorry 'bout your luck.

DB said...

Crosspalms:
What is this spanking new blinder arc thing?
Do I need one?

DB said...

Never mind, went back and reread post.

Anonymous said...

Everyone needs spanking

JLRB said...

late post = seat post videos?

C'mon man, entertain me

JLRB said...

ANON @ 11:55 -

THE WORLD IS FULL OF ATTENTION STARVED PEOPLE THAT GET BAD PRESS

APPARENTLY FULL OF PEOPLE WHO TROLL THE INTERNETS TOO

AND SOME WHO CAN'T FIND THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON

oh, there it is

BamaPhred said...

Kudos to JLRB

Here we are, entertain us!

Freddy Murcks said...

Post is late today. Snob's bunion polishing must have taken a little longer than expected.

Word to the wise, brush your bunions everyday and your bi-annual dentist visit won't turn into an overnight affair.



seems thionsag

MOnster Ein VInyl said...

Idaho is the deep south of the north west.

erikbe said...

Seaman's saddle has popped a boner...that'll be comfortable for 6,000 miles.

Anonymous said...

The perfect bike for Fred. It is named Fred

http://www.bicycling.com/sites/default/files/fck_content/velovino-fred.jpg