Thursday, March 27, 2014

The Indignity of Not Commuting by Bicycle and Instead Just Going For A Ride: None, I Regret Nothing

You know how they recently found those primordial cosmic waves that prove the Big Bang or whatever?  What if the Universe in the millisecond before the Big Bang was this ideal state of Platonic digital perfection, too perfect to exist, and so it blew up?  And what if now our obsessive digitization of every aspect of existence is simply the Universe putting itself back together again?  Then, when we finally upload the last bit of digital information and the Universe once again attains digital perfection, there's another Big Bang and the whole thing happens all over again?  Over and over and over and over in a tragic cycle of destruction in the relentless pursuit of the unattainable?

Admit it, I just totally blew your mind.

Anyway, this morning I thought to myself, "It sure would be nice to go for a ride.  Too bad I have so many responsibilities."  But then I remembered I don't have any responsibilities at all, and so I said, "Fuck it, I'm riding."  I wasn't a total shirk, though, because by way of doing my part to re-digitize the Universe I strapped the old Fly6 integrated video camera/tail-light to my bike.

Lard knows I like to complain, but by New York City standards I have it pretty good as far as squeezing in a quick recreational bicycle ride is concerned.  Remember I showed you that old picture of the subway station (or terminal if you want to get technical) not too long ago?


(A few people asked why there are no seats on the Ferris wheel, and the answer is that in those days you just hung by your hands like a monkey.)

Well, here it is from approximately the same spot today:


Comparatively sucky, wouldn't you say?

Nevertheless, from there I just nip into the park and then totally slay this gnar-gnar drop-in, dude, burritos, etc.:


Then I'm on this trail:


Thanks to urban sprawl, there aren't too many pleasant ways to leave the city limits on a bicycle.  Really, the best way to escape by bike is to find a wormhole, and this is one of the more pleasant ones.  In fact, this trail was once a train line, and if you look you can see the rotting railroad ties.  The Parks Department is planning to pave and otherwise buff and sanitize this trail in the near future.  This is a shame, since for a trail that sees almost no maintenance it's actually in pretty decent shape, especially when you consider we're coming out of the worst winter in decades.  Indeed, this was the only obstacle I encountered:


I totally would have bunny-hopped it, but, you know, I was afraid to jostle the Fly6.

Next, I won the city line sprint against myself as usual, at which point the trail abruptly goes from dirt to paved:


And then I encountered another Fred:


There is that pregnant moment as two Freds pass, each eyeballing the other's equipment and shoring up his pedal stroke so it doesn't look too sloppy.  As far as animal behavior goes, it's somewhere between a peacock displaying its plumage and a guy sucking in his gut for the salesgirl helping him at Banana Republic.  The difference is that it only takes place for a split second, and occasionally at "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed.

Anyway, once you leave the city limits the path continues, though being paved it sort of loses its charm, and in general I'd rank it as "meh-to-pleasant:"


The real appeal is that it's incredibly convenient.  It continues for many miles through the northern suburbs, and it provides a car-free jumping-off point for all manner of recreational bicycling endeavors.

This, however, was to be a short ride, and lo I left the path and forded the Saw Mill River, which is also known as Nepperhan Creek, "Nepperhan" obviously being an old Indian word meaning "Piss Rivulet:"


Then there's a little incline as you pass the necropolis:


Which is compounded in difficulty because obviously you've got to hold your breath the whole time.

Next, I executed a somewhat less gnar-gnar burritos dude etc. drop-in onto a different trail:


Please note that I am not riding a properly engineered gravel-specific bicycle, and under no circumstances should you ever try anything like this yourself:


See, I can do it because I'm a semi-professional bike blogger, but the rest of you need that extra half-degree of head tube slackness or whatever, otherwise you are 100% guaranteed to die.

Anyway, it's still hovering around freezing in these parts, plus the wind was blowing at like 500 knots all day yesterday, and as I suspected the trail was firm and air-dried as a result:


Here's a guy walking multiple dogs:


See, you need to have lots of dogs when you live in a populous New York City suburb.

Of course, I shouldn't even have to tell you that the smallest and yappiest of them immediately took off after me, yapping all the while in his stupid jacket, nor should I have to add that the owner made no attempt whatsoever to recall the little piece of shit--not that it would have mattered anyway, because people suck at dogs:


You may recall I've actually been bitten by a dog on this very trail, which left holes in my leg warmers, and indeed at that moment I was wearing those very same man-tights:


Ironical, no?

Anyway, the little piece of shit kept running and yapping:


And yapping and running:


My plan was to let him keep chasing me and then ride to Manhattan if necessary, where the yellow cabs would make short work of him, but then suddenly he stopped and turned around like he'd forgotten his wallet in his other doggie jacket:


Good riddance.

Finally!  Blessed, dog-free solitude:


Once I was satisfied that I was safe from dog molestation, I picked a scenic spot and leaned my bike against a tree:


Then I climbed onto a log and practiced my "Karate Kid" crane pose in an attempt to stave off male osteoporosis:


Then I stared contemplatively towards the New Jersey palisades:


And then I took a leak:


Finally, once the Man in Black finished making his piss rivulet, he approached the Fly6:


And then he killed the witness:


Unfortunately, he took his glove off before strangling it instead of vice-versa, and now he's rotting in jail for public urination.

Speaking of the Fly6, I switched to a more pert saddle bag to make room for the camera on my seatpost, but as it turned out that wasn't necessary since I was able to mount it on the uncircumcised section of seat tube between the top tube and seatpost clamp:


Here's some gratuitous head tube-and-trail porn:


Of course, the headtube of my bike has a lion on it, so I couldn't resist taking a picture of the bike in front of the nearby Son of Sam altar of sacrifice:


I'm not afraid to admit that I was terrified the whole time.  Furthermore, train tracks run along the river below, and as I was taking the picture a noisy diesel train was slowly creeping by, its bell going "ding...ding...ding," and between the rumbling of the engine and the death knell it sounded like the intro to a Bathory album.

Then, I heard the sound of twigs breaking.  Turning towards the sound, I saw some deer:


Though at first I was certain they were bloodthirsty hellhounds, and if I hadn't urinated moments ago I surely would have soaked through my Giordanas.

Having nabbed the shot, my heart throbbing, I remounted my bicycle and rode off, only to feel a tap-tap-tap on my buttocks!  "Dear God!," I cried.  "It's the Headless Fred of Yonkers!"  Alas, it was not so, and what it actually turned out to be was my keychain about to fall through a hole in my pocket:


Ironically, as I put on this jacket this morning, I was planning to mention how great it was.  However, I no longer think it's great, because if I hadn't already been in a heightened state of terror-induced awareness it's unlikely I would have noticed and I would have lost my fucking keys on the trail.  Here's a closer look:


It seems the pocket is separating from the jacket right above the word "Castelli," which is also kind of ironic.  I suppose it can be easily fixed, but I have cycling jackets and jerseys many years old that have never come close to shitting out the contents of their pockets, so there you go.

In conclusion, if you have this same jacket, make sure you use it with a Fly6.  Then at least maybe you can see the spot where you dropped your keys.

129 comments:

yes!!? said...

FIRST
(?)

1904 Cadardi said...

Did I podium?

mikeweb said...

Careful man, there's a beverage here.

YES! said...

I have the fulfilled the dreams of me and my ancestors.

1904 Cadardi said...

Damn it. Pipped at the line!

Do I still get sloppy wet kisses and maybe a butt grab?

RoadQueen said...

Top 10

Bryan said...

top 10, scrani

Bike Smug PDX said...

Plussed. Or nonplussed. I forget which.

Bama Phred said...

Top ten

streepo said...

Scrantastic!!

Comment deleted said...

That is one intimidating-looking karate-kick-feint towards the downed tree, Snobby.

Either that, or a "figure skater" dismount.

Anonymous said...

Top ten

Anonymous said...

top tin!!!

The King of Park Slope said...

You have a knack for making cycling seem as lame on the internet as it is in reality.

That's nothing to be proud of.

Anonymous said...

Crane kick If do right, no can defend

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...there's a big bang vortex somewhere... it's past 2 in the PM and still top 20?

Bryan Scranuston said...

Anti-dog all-around

Anonymous said...

King of Park Slope:
Back on your altar Your Hine ASS

g. said...

Closest to the top in a long, long time.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

As long as this over and over and over and over cycle of tragic destruction involves images of recumbabe I'm good.

Bama Phred said...

I love these mini travelogues. I do the same thing to the yappy dogs, lead them on for as far as they will go. And I guess yesterday's four footed rats have become today's hell hounds, or headless Fred's. No mention of Mt Dogshit, the raging piss rivulet must have washed it away.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

When passing the Fred, did you wave, nod, smile or ignore him?

Anonymous said...

Hey - why do big dogs usually cut a cyclist some slack and small dogs are such little bitches? I have tried the "lure the dog into traffic using my ankle as bait" ploy with limited success.

cycle

JLRB said...

Yes, yes, bicycling pictures are good.

Especially ones with cleavage and lycra

BikeSnobNYC said...

Yeah Cleveland!,

I puffed up to twice my usual size and sprayed a territorial marking musk from my scent glands.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Two dog tricks::: don't wear all black, they don't like it. When approaching, lift up your front wheel up and down 5-20 inches few times. Dog will either be scared or thinking you want to play, it may still chase but it will be a play chase rather than defending chase. When u lift front wheel be sure to drop it immediately without any resistance, like when a dog lifts both front wheel to play chase.

JLRB said...

Anon - Your dog has front wheels? What breed is that?

Anonymous said...

I guess if you're out driving your bike around it doesn't make any difference what time the bog (sic) gets posted, eh?

maybe it's a good reason as it sounds like a pretty epic sojourn. personally, I can't wait for the first kiss of Spring brushing softly against my Scranton.

unfortunately, she's gone to Poughkeepsie to see her mother and won't be back until Wednesday.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:40pm,

Don't wear black?!? So I'm supposed to wear some goofy Fred flamingo outfit because the little doggies don't like black? Then on top of that I'm supposed to hop up and down like a doofus, so between the colors and the hopping I look like a mating lizard???

Now I'm really angry.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Top XXX?

no TV coverage due to the weather

Fred of the Sea said...

If one had the patience to slow down just enough to keep an out-of-shape dog interested, one might have a better chance of luring it to that timely and 2.5-dimensional end. I have considered doing this.

Blog Drafter said...

When you have a long post like this the loading ads (especially the flashing ones) prevent a quick scroll to the bottom to contend for the podium and so I wind up in 31st place.

Funny post , though, and I'm really starting to like your bike.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Just wear the chicken suit.

Blog Drafter said...

32nd Place! Yeah!

RoadQueen said...

Side profile is a bit plump. I feel your pain.

Here's to riding it off now that the temps are rising!

Plus, I would sew that jersey pocket all the way across the bottom to shore it up and keep using it, but that's just me. 'Cause I'm cheap.

BikeSnobNYC said...

RoadQueen,

I prefer to blame the hated Castelli jacket for bunching up when I hit the apex of my crane move.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

--- i found that just wearing a white or whatever color helmet does help --- all black with black glasses you are looking for it.

little dogs you can just look at them in the eye and say something when running into them, they just need to be acknowledge.

but if you ever find yourself one on one with a dogo argentino or other super strong and aggressive breed that just run away from his keeper, you best bet is to attack the dog with the wheelie method. decrease speed, look in eye, scream, wheel. bigger and more aggressive is the dog, higher you have to lift the wheel (above his head height) and faster you need to drop it --- touch the rear brake. Only works with dogs, not with mountain lions, cows, bears and other biggies. Do not do it with big wild animals it may have the opposite.

JB said...

What pressure(s) do you run in the tires when you'll be roading and trailing?

My Kickstarter will be for tubeless tires (of course) that can be inflated or deflated while riding for transitions between on and off-road during epic gravelling road rides.

trama said...

dang, why don't you just smash the dogs face in with a titanium hammer? Seems this like this 'luring the thing into traffic' idea is popular too. Weird people up in here.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:01pm?

Wear white??? Didn't we just establish I'm fat?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

JB said...

Anon @ 3:01pm: I think you should lie down a rest for while. Don't worry it will wear off and things will be normal tomorrow.

BikeSnobNYC said...

JB,

Al dente pasta. PSI is for weenies.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Dooth said...

Wildcat, don't ride Son of Scat to the Son of Sam satanic ritual cave!

DB said...

Sorry, my mind was blown from the first paragraph.
JLRB reset it with the cleavage and Lycra photos.
Thanks, man.

babble on said...

OH MY GAWD that was funny, snobberdooders. Heh heh heh heh heh ...like he forgot his wallet in his other doggie jacket... heh heh I LAUGHED so hard I musta hooted!

:D

Thank you. I needed that. I LOVE you.

You did blow my mind with the cosmic re-digitization of the universe thing. Totally. Heh heh heh... oh, and way to find the wormhole, bro.

Do you really want to talk about the suckiness of things? Cause you know, suckiness is always subjective.

Roille Figners said...

BOOOSH

BikeSnobNYC said...

Dooth,

Holy crap, no way.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

McFly said...

Awesome. I was not going to ride from excessive wind knottage but now I think I shall. TO THE FREDMOBILE!

DB said...

Guess what I found while going through some papers?
Does this sound familiar?
What Mr. Blackwell was to red carpet fashion, the Snob is to bikes.

Fred of the Sea said...

So, like, what is the best color for an elderly Fred, what with the dogs and cars and stuff? That yellow is out.

Anonymous said...

I think you should have turned around and rode at 3 MPH behind the dog walker dude for about 10 minutes to let him know how it feels to be followed. and then speed up and give him a squirt in the face with your water bottle on your way by. I live near riverside park and the dog people are rampant up here. They think they are doing the world a favor by having a dog somehow, if leaving shit smears all over the side walk is a favor than maybe yes. I don't hate dogs just annoying and entitled dog owners that can't control their stupid mutts.

McFly said...

Yell GET OFF THE COUCH and dogs will stand down. That shit works. Seriously. Try it.

Anonymous said...

Fucking sick crane pose wildcat! Did Road Queen just call you fat?

RoadQueen said...

McFly: I want to ride with you someday, just so I can witness you yelling GET OFF THE COUCH at an errant mutt.

While on your bike.

In Lycra.

I bet it's HILARIOUS! :D

DB said...

Here's more:
Andrew Crooks, the owner of NYC Velo, a bike shop in the East Village, said that the guessing game over the Snob's identity has been a hot topic. "Early on, a couple of people made suggestions that I wrote it, which I took as a huge compliment," Mr. Crooks said.
As well he should.

BikeSnobNYC said...

DB,

In retrospect, completely unsurprising it turned out to be a fat guy with no friends.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

JLRB said...

I like the pixelation on the returning from piss-ilation

And - the mind blowing universe digitization destruction should have been yesterday

Annd - never yell peanut butter at a chasing dog - if it's owner is a perve the dog will head right for your junk

Anonymous said...

Ah yes, the old, let's include a hole through which for people to run their god damned headphones.

Still

Anonymous said...

Road Queen, I think you made snob self concious about his weight. That was mean of you. Apologize to him and let him know that by Ohio standards he is actually quite slim.

FTR wildcat you look way better than i do in your lycra kit. I look like 10 lbs of potatoes in a 5 lb bag.

grog said...

What's Leroy's dog got to say?
A little water squirt okay?
BIKE WOOF
DOGB ITCH

RoadQueen said...

I wonder what would happen if you carried milk bones in your jersey pockets and threw them at dogs who chase.

Would they be distracted by the num-nums and stop to eat them? Would that create a habit of chasing more in order to get the treats?

Someone needs to test this.

DB said...

Snob.
Haven't had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Crooks.
If you don't have enough copies of the article, I'd be happy to send it your way.

mikeweb said...

Ahh, Freds...

Whilst on a very heavily attended 'Gran Fondo'-ish ride this past Saturday, I was riding along with a couple of gentlemen, one of whom was shall we say on the slightly douchey end of the fun vs. douche scale. His Fred sled was in the yellowish color-way and he was wearing a U.S. Postal team jersey. I'll let folks draw their own conclusions there.

Anyway, we three were coming up a slight rise and I noticed a teenager had crossed the quiet country road to check the family mailbox. As we approached he saw us and smiled in a friendly way and Mr. douche said in an only slightly joking manner, "Heads up. We wouldn't want to run you over". I remember thinking, and almost said to him, "You know, sometimes a simple 'good morning' will suffice".

Wildcat, he may even be the same one who ordered you to assist in his tire pumping months back. Or at least that same ilk.

ouabacher said...

Wanna see a dog's "master" go berserk? Wait up for his unleashed dog and coax it along vocally.... "C'mon boy! C'mon!". Did this once to a regular nuisance in my neighborhood. The guy's voice went up two octaves he was in such a panic, alternating between screaming at the dog and screaming at me.

Anonymous said...

Why are the rocks green and what's that mysterious arrow pointing to the heavens on the right of the frame in the picture of the Bambis?

The whole trail has an oppressive gothic-horror air about it and doing tai-chi as a prelude to urinating is just not right.

Biking the Live Fantastic said...

Riveting!

Roille Figners said...

Is that the Old Putzman Trail/South Cunty Trailway?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:40pm,

Because I live in a goddamn M. Night Shyamalan movie and nobody's more creeped out by it than me.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

RoadQueen said...

Beware the Scrunt!!!

I swear, I still avoid walking in the grass after dark.

JLRB said...

RQ 333

Don't try the milkbone trick if you will see the dog again.

We once had a mail man who did that. Every day my 90 pound (40 kilos in douche) dog would go to the edge of the invisible fence line and wait for the bone when he saw the mail man.

All fun and games until there is a substitute mailman who has no milkbones. We'd get no mail on those days.

paulb said...

What is a Bathory album and no, I'm not going to look it up on the Internet, forget it!

BikeSnobNYC said...

paulb,

It's an album by a band called Bathory.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

GET OFF THE COUCH Snob, or at least stop hanging out in the comments section, with that "I've been on a ride today so I can goof off for the rest of the day". Don't you have to get the seventeen kids lined up in front of the TV yet?
Banana Republic - do they still exist? I haven't been in one since I was slim enough not to need to suck my guts in to impress the sales team.
I'm going out riding now. I will either be in chili red or vivid green for visibility, since I have to play in traffic.

Blog Drafter said...

If the universe is reified data it must necessarily go bonkers after a few billion years of watching hapless creatures misusing it's perfection…and, blows itself up, as Snob says. Quite so. Scranus.

Anonymous said...

Even though im home from work by 3:30 in the afternoon, i like to wait until rush hour and disquise myself as a commuter-fred, just so i can blaze past the pissed off suburban drivers who are stuck in gridlock. As zero hour approaches i prepare myself to mount my wheeled steed of glory and conquer all that is evil in suburbia with my baronial powers of smugness! (I just hope i dont see any chiweenies cause those things are mean friggin man!)

le Correcteur said...

"As far as animal behavior goes, it's somewhere between a peacock displaying its plumage and a guy sucking in his gut for the salesgirl helping him at Banana Republic."

Gems like the one above are what keep me coming back, even as sub pack fodder.

DB said...

I thought a Bathory was a room in the Morris-Jumel mansion.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Lumpen Fredetariat,

IT'S MY BLOG GODDAMN IT I'LL oh never mind sorry I'll go away now.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

DB said...

Thanks, Wildcat.
Today was great.

Anonymous said...

Bikesnob NY at 3:26,

I will be your friend? I'm free most evenings. FYI, you are not fat*


*by Ohio standards

jodphoto said...

I know you eschew serious commentary unless fatalities are involved, but... Why don't you mention the names of the trails you are riding. Are you afraid your fan base will ride along with you like Forrest Gump? Never mind, they are the Old Put in Van Cortland Park, the South County Trailway and the Old Croton Aqueduct. These are chronically underfunded and under attack by the fucking Tea Party. Use the Force mother fucker!

Anonymous said...

Today's blog makes me want to ride my bike.

Though I am still buried in a foot of snow.

Fuck you winter.

paulb said...

I grew up (I'm being generous with myself) on Andrews Avenue in the Bronx and because of these bloggerings I think more and more of returning there.

LookatmeLookatmeLookatme said...

First!!!...A QUESTION FOR BIKE SNOT. You seem to know some nice trails. I need new ones. Greenway, CP Loop, River Road just aint cutting it. I've heard that there are some nice places in bronx and westchester. Can you recommend a few, or those exact ones that you seem to like taking pics of? I dont ride in packs so I wont be organizing a gran fondo around them. I ride alone, and would be happy to ignore you and not ask for your autograph if i see you on the trails. I would've asked some friendly cyclists that dont intimidate me with their fancy bikes and ornamentation, but frankly I can't find any...Do you want to be my friend? Sorry, too far? So...the trails?

LookatmeLookatmeLookatme said...

Ok it seems that somebody has outed your secrets already a couple of posts above me. Redundancy is the sign of civilization, whatever that means. I'm not sure there is much to say to me. Id like some attention anyway. Thanks

BamaPhred said...

Who knew the Snob was also a Goth?

Yes, I have been reminded before that all I need is a cape and I would look like Zorro in a bike. How is that for an ego-killer?

Later, I've got to go to "efigari practice"

BamaPhred said...

UUMM I should have said on a bike, can't type for ^%&^

jodphoto said...

By the way, don't try the wheelie trick against a horse. You may die. Or the rider of the horse may. Just get off your bike, lay it down and wait. Horses don't like bikes and aren't as smart as dogs.

Anonymous said...

If your trails start to get played-out...ride across the borough to the Pelhams. There's a bike lane by shore road. City Island, Orchard Beach.

Anonymous said...

jodphoto said...
I know you eschew serious commentary...

What, comments about anal sex aren'y serious?

Comment deleted said...

Not trying to be a bummer, but more details on last night's hit and run (mentioned at the end of yesterday's comments). The rider was 72 years old.

Anonymous said...

http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/hnp/bik/4353044082.html

babble on said...

You're carrying so neatly, snobbers. I had just noticed how great you look from the front when I read her comment and took a closer look!
Winter, hey? NP it'll be gone by June.

CD- Cars don't kill people. People kill people, with no criminality suspected. And cowards run from their mistakes. That totally sucks.

Anonymous said...

evolution of the bicycle

McFly said...

I ain't even playin. People scoff (do people still actually scoff?) until I bust out the GOTC! kryptonite and the dog cowers in fear. Try it. Worst case scenario you do it and your buddy........wait you don't have a buddy. Nevermind.

Anonymous said...

where did you rinse your hand(s) after you... you know? you must have touched it with at least one of them.

Anonymous said...

exactly how short is your weiner, that you can't take a leak without pissing on your hands?

Anonymous said...

I was my hands BEFORE I take a leak. My dick has been in my pants. My hands have been out touching door handles and dollar bills that have been in stripper vag

Anonymous said...

http://acidcoven.com/garbagedump/img/uploads/tWcDMAv-resize-465x683-53255b5634c5a-small.jpg

wishiwasmerckx said...

8===D ~ ~ ~

Anonymous said...

Todays post actually made me decide to take my bike down some trails. One raccoon and one SUV (which should not have been on this particular trail) with a chick pissing by the drivers door (yeah, i embarrassed the fuck outa her!). Turns out 28's dont do so great in mud OR sand. Needless to say, i will DEFINITELY be going back there soon!

Euro Spondee said...

Anon @6:06 - I couldn't agree more. Just to look like a completely pretentious twat, I first came across this line of argument in a Godard film

Euro Spondee said...

wiwm - you pissed all over the 100-up - how could you, of all people? Did you wash your hands first?

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

I went for my ride and all I saw was a chihuahua pissing; it was not in the least embarrassed. Didn't get chased by a chick... also did not get maimed by any dumb drivers, which is always a positive

Roille Figners said...

Seems like if your dick touches stripper vag, indirectly or directly, you're doing pretty good.

Fred of the Sea said...

Given how little I get these days, my pecker is undoubtedly cleaner than my hands. The point, however, is to wash hands a few times a day and you're usually near a sink when you pee indoors. In fact you can save time by...ehhh, maybe I won't go there.

Anonymous said...

Ride Son Of Scat to the Son Of Sam altar on 4/20. Could a fun group ride. I'll bring the Bathory.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, excellent post.

Bard Simpson said...

To pee, or not to pee, that is the question - Whether one rinses ones hand before or after the deed is done does it really matter?

ce said...

The wibbly wobbly timey wimey cosmos crapola doesn't blow mind, but the idea of an "elevated subway" sure does.

Asstro-Physicist from Uranus said...

THE UNIVERSE HAS GIVES BALL CANCER.

Wolfgang said...

I am an actual real housecat. When I take a bong hit, I SWEAR I can speak english for about 60 secmeow meow meow meow meow meow

JLRB said...

CD - Just went back and read yesterday - that sucks that someone got killed by some gutless fuck. The only silver lining is the cops actually seem to be seriously investigating.

I am heading out your way to Napa next week for work and hope to ride if the shit weather doesn't follow me around. Ride recommendation in Napa?

Nacnud said...

"...at that moment I was wearing those very same man-tights..."

Ironical, no?

should read

Coincidental, yes?

was iocking but now I'm not.

ce said...

My my my, asstrophysicists are smart asses

RoadQueen said...

Just to clarify: I think a little Pudge is super-duper cute. So, my first comment that caused the slight butt-hurt wasn't meant as an insult. The opposite, really.

Comment deleted said...

JLRB - the Silverado Trail is a pretty great ride, as long as you don't do it on a weekend (too many "tasters" driving). About 20 miles from Napa to Calistoga.

Alternately, the climb up to Angwin will bust your scranus, if that's what you crave, and you *will* acheive woo-hoo on the return.

Comment deleted said...

(Make that 30 miles between Napa and Calistoga on the Silverado.)

McFly said...

Well its official we are playin Paternal Work Hooky tomorrow and takin the kids on the last day of Spring Break to the Tunnel Hill Rail Trail in Illinois. It has a 543 ft pitch black tunnel and a 75 ft tressel as well. I am fired up. GET OFF THE TRESSEL.

jodphoto said...

So many dog haters in one room. Did i wander into the Human Resources department? You need some dog language lessons. When a dog is aggressive or nips clothing, rarely is it an attack. It's play or posturing.

Dogs may chase cyclists because when you exercise your sweat smells like cat piss from metabolized protein and not enough water. Drink your water instead of squirting it at dogs.

Dog biscuits are a good idea but a dog isn't going to take them until they nose your hand and you talk to them. You will have to stop the bike or get off to do this.

Try addressing the dog, "What a pretty (handsome) puppy". It will put the owner at ease if you say hello or even stop to greet the dog. Dogs tend to pick up on the owners vibe and respond in kind.

Cyclists are a perceived threat to the dog and in some instances to the owner. Remove that perception by your behavior and that dog won't bother you again.

Some dogs and some owners are just bad and none of this will work. Bared fangs or a straight up tail are warnings except in small dogs who may be overcompensating. In this instance, just pedal faster, preferably in the opposite direction the dog was originally going. It will usually choose to go back to the owner who will praise them because they are an idiot.

This is all observation and not scientific (except the cat piss part).

Anonymous said...

There you go Wildcat. Next time you are gettin a hole gnawed in your ballerina pants take a big pull off your Camelbak.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I'm guessing that snob and his 17 offspring are dining on venison tonight.

BTW, in case you were wondering, their names are Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Zebulon, Benjamin, Dan, Napthali, Gad, Asher, Joseph, Ephriam, Manasseh, Eben Jr, and the twins, Shaniquah and Shananay.

Anonymous said...

Jod
Or .... You could just kick the stupid thing in the head and be on your way. Works for me.

Vlad said...

As I once said in an older comment, I live in a place where dogs are the cyclist's nemesis. In Bucharest, Romania. Here, there are hundreds of thousands of stray dogs, no master to call them back, roaming free on the street or practically everywhere.

In time, Romanian cyclists developed effective tactics against the canine threat, which I am happy to share with you.

1. Most dogs run fast, but not for long. All of them give up after about 50 European meters (i don't know how much is this in American meters, a few Fahrenheit feet and a gallon, I think). All you have to do is keep going, there's no way they'l keep up on the road.

2. Because of having feet, they might catch up with you upon off-road terrains, where your bike is not diligent enough. Even here, dogs are mostly intrigued by the wheels or pedals, and try to bite those and not any of your soft body parts. In most instances, it is enough to keep going, all you risk is to run over the dog's head, which is not actually a risk, but something desirable for most riders of the mountain bike style.

3. Sometimes dogs may display aggressiveness against the rider itself. Very interestingly, most of these dogs give up the fight the minute you dismount your bicycle. They just run in the opposite direction. If you re-mount the bicycle, they come back at you, and so on and so forth, in an intricate dance between man, animal, and machine. A good idea is to walk by your bike until you are out of the dog's territory (the already mentioned 50 European meters).

4. Unfortunately, not all dogs are so easily daunted, especially when they attack in packs. They remember their wolf instincts, and they surround you and come at you simultaneously from your flanks, while some of their team mates cut you off from the front. It is always useful to carry a big raw beefsteak with you. It is counter intuitive, since beefsteaks are also liable to attract packs of hungry dogs, but since they will find you anyway, the dilemma is moot. Throw the steak not too far, and watch them tear each other apart trying to get a piece of it. It is also a useful way to find out who the alpha dog is. If you manage to get the alpha dog and engage in coitus with it while it sits in a submissive position, then do the same with all it's wives, then YOU become the alpha male and the pack is yours, they will follow you and hunt with you wherever you ride your bike. Coitus with alpha dogs is unfortunately prohibited by Romanian law, but they can't prosecute you based solely on the fact that you carry around a pack of dogs everywhere you go, they have to catch you in the act.

5. There are also little ultrasound devices, and even smartphone apps, that emit beams of ultrasound frequencies, that supposedly scare dogs off. In my experience, it works, but only if you get close enough to shove the device/smartphone inside one of the dog's orifices. I think it's because the dog's body acts like some sort of resonance box that amplifies the signal.

Hope you find my advice helpful, as I often found advice on this blog extremely useful. Thank you.

mikeweb said...

Cd/ JLRB,

When I was there visiting a couple years back, I rode with a certain retired Allstar commentariat member on Paradise dr. around Tiburon. Gotta say, I was pretty impressed with that.

Fred of the Sea said...

Re dogs, when an animal is illegally and intentionally off the leash and harassing me on a public thoroughfare, I do not stop and say, "nice doggy", to it or the negligent owner, thereby reinforcing their behavior. Let's just say I respond proportionately and effectively. …and yes, Vlad, more than one is bad news.

Anonymous said...

Is your fly6 facing forward for this post?

Ria John said...

Cool!!!
http://curvehospitality.com/

http://dressagesnob.wordpress.com/ said...

I know Bike Snob has seen everything, but I think this little atomic light needs some snob attention.
http://www.renehersestore.com/servlet/the-1339/ZZ---/Detail

Reportedly, the 37 year, 11 oz light is powered by a "lattice enabled nuclear reaction."
Two thoughts from our household: possible treatment for prostate if mounted correctly, and if it blows up on impact what a great revenge for being hit by some D***A** in a car.