Monday, March 3, 2014

Sorry I'm Late, I Forgot To Set My Watch For Daylight Savings.

So apparently the Britons are all "cross" because the TV show "Top Gear" is baiting cyclists:



I've actually enjoyed watching "Top Gear" from time to time, and until relatively recently I had no idea Jeremy Clarkson was this reviled anti-bike figure over there.  This is because it takes a lot more to shake us up here in America, so his antics don't really register here in Canada's Waistband.  Jeremy Clarkson may like to engage in quasi-macho hi-jinx like driving a Land Rover up a mountain, but on this side of the Atlantic we call that mountain a "hill" and we call the Land Rover a "compact."  Seriously, three out of five Americans think a Land Rover is a Mini Cooper, and they think a Mini Cooper is something disabled people use to get around shopping malls.  We sell assault weapons in Walmart here, for fuck's sake!  So it's hard for us to take any of this seriously, since in this country we find people like Jeremy Clarkson about as threatening as the uptight professor from "Back To School:"


(Foppish professor mistakenly thinks he can get one up on Rodney Dangerfield.)

Even those adorable Canadian cyclists aren't frightened by Jeremy Clarkson--it takes fourteen tons of crack addict to do that:


And as far as learning the difference between red and green, as a cyclists I'm perfectly aware, which is exactly why I run red lights.  See, at least if I have the red I know oncoming traffic isn't going to stop, so I can ride accordingly.  Otherwise, I have no idea what these assholes are liable to do, and I'm not waiting there like a sitting duck when a runaway taxi is liable to flatten me at any moment:

As the above blog post points out, the taxi had a whopping eighteen violations:


Of course, since taxis are driven by multiple people we don't know exactly who's responsible for all of these, which is exactly how the taxi lobby wants it.  All we know is that the taxi lobby is a major contributor to Bill "Vision Zero" de Blasio, so I wouldn't expect any of this to change anytime soon.

Speaking of things not changing, check out the winner of Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne:


I thought we were supposed to be in a new era of clean cycling.  Isn't this the guy who shot to prominence after getting a better "lunch bag" than George Hincapie:


And was then anointed the new Belgian hard man by Johan "80-100 wasps in the inner tube" Museeuw himself?


This sport needs to drop the pretense and just go full-drug already.  It seems pretty clear to me the only limitations they can (sort of) enforce are the ones on the bikes themselves, so they should just admit that as long as they can keep these guys off of recumbents then they've basically won.

Lastly, someone has launched a Kickstarter for a portable Citi Bike motor:



Okay, so the average Citi Bike trip hovers somewhere around 20 minutes.  Furthermore, Citi Bikes can only be found in hyper-gentrified neighborhoods with lots of bike lanes and absolutely no hills.  "So for this, you need a motor?" asks a grossly stereotypical Jewish grandparent.

Also, I'm not sure people should be going 18 mph on a Citi Bike:


Though maybe I can launch a Kickstarter for a portable Citi Bike disc brake upgrade.

70 comments:

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Hanging around.

Anonymous said...

2nd ??

vsk

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Cold ride in again.

Anonymous said...

Yes !
vsk

streepo said...

scranus

Roille Figners said...

IS GIVES HAS BALL CANCER

Christian said...

Just popped my saddle sore. Ouchie.

Anonymous said...

Here is a comment.

Anonymous said...

That why I always shoplift at Walmart.

WIZ !! JAY said...

I couldn't have imagined a better way for Joseph Gordon-Levitt to meet his maker.

Anonymous said...

Tapas Ten!

DB said...

Good one, Snob.

Freddy Murcks said...

Puffery, pure puffery. And flummery too.



257 ovisjs

Christian said...

On a side note, I now know that the taxi lobby is a real thing. I wasn't sure, since here in America's durty durty grundle (read: Atlanta) the taxi industry is pretty laughable, but they somehow have enough clout to shut down lyft and uber. Or at least attempt to anyway...

http://clatl.com/freshloaf/archives/2014/02/05/the-gold-dome-bill-to-regulate-uber-and-lyft-has-been-introduced-and-its-a-doozy

babble on said...

Everybody loves to bait cyclists, why should the Brits be any different?

Vernal Magina said...

Whoever wrote this doesn't know the first thing about Kurt Vonnegut.

Anonymous said...

Fuck biking...I am getting a Solowheel!

http://inventist.com/soloindex.php

Roille Figners said...

Dude how can you crash into a fuckin BUILDING? It's not even moving! Like whoooa, tricky!

balls™ said...

That post was short. The fun was over so quickly, I now know what it's like to be Jeremy Clarkson' wife.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Roille Figners,

Probably not a coincidence he crashed into an eyeglass place...

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Clarkson is, indeed, a dark soul, but May and Hammond, his partners in crime, both ride bicycles. In one of Top Gear's challenges, Hammond on a bike beat May in a Mercedes and Clarkson in a speedboat in crossing London during rush hour. Very gratifying.

Flyvoer BC said...

Red or Green, to us colorblind guys it's all the same.

And it's the official question of the State of NEW Mexico.

BTW it's just matter of time before someone here invents some Nouveau Mexican cuisine by making a green chili knish, if they haven't already.

samh said...

Spectacular work taking the wind out of that Clarkson fool, Snob. 'Merica!

go_merkuh said...

Go 'merkuh!! With guns!!

That'll show 'em who's boss...

BamaPhred said...

I always thought Top Gear sucked, but know I know for sure, I just don't get all of these NYC drivers crashing into freaking buildings, look at dem skidmarks, people aint got a chance. And as soon as you get a healthy, green, accessible, alternative to a powered vehicle, some asshole wants to strap a motor on it and go careening down the sidewalk. UUGGHH Rant mode off, over and out.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Howler monkeys make lousy pets.

babble on said...

I used to enjoy Top Gear when I lived over there, though Clarkson has always been a bit of an old codger...

But what scares me is that so many folks in the UK figure that they have the right to speed, and the guys on Top Gear feed that delusion. I don't know if it still exists, but there used to be a website that told you which of the speed cameras were actually taking photos and ticketing people that day.

ge said...

It's all the UCI can do to keep racers off recumbents, but you can't even keep them from winning the comments race Snob. Nice timing RCT.

Roille Figners said...

Because everyone knows bomb-makers always conveniently color-code the wires to indicate which one to cut in order to undo all their bomb-making work. IF YOU DAFT LORRY WOULD JUST BLOODY TUBE LEARN YOUR CHIPS IN THE LIFT BLOODY COLORS FINALLY!

Speaking of hypocritical baiting, I hear Obama's gonna take on Putin, because countries aren't supposed to intervene in other countries.

All these WWIII overtones, the Jams, the Swatches... the huge boner I've got... it's like it's 1986 again! Don't you, forget about me!

Regular guy said...

I think the portable bike motor is awesome. I'm going to develop one with a paddlewheel to use with our local canoe share program.

crosspalms said...

Looking forward to the gravel Citi Bike and fat City Bike options.

hugh j boner said...

You've never had me, in the 80's or ever

zippy8 said...

Taking "Top Gear" seriously is its own punishment.

It is, essentially, a sit-com. You're being annoyed by a character, not a real person.

Bone O. said...

How'd they get U-2 to do the soundtrack for the Kickstarter City Bike motor promo.

WIZ !! JAY said...

What's bloody imperative is that I learn the make and model of the Top Gear bike! At the end the flaming "torso" and severed, bouncing noggin land about 50 feet (0.0082 nautical miles, or 1524 cm for you metric douches) away in opposite directions, but that hybrid just tips over TOWARDS the explosion! Just put a BSNYC filth prophylactic on that tractor seat and you're virtually indestructible.

FR8 said...

Roille @2.46

A Simple Mind

PBateman said...

snobberdoodle, i think portland deserves everthing they heap upon themselves and that you rightly point out, but you NY'ers are sort of starting to lose the right to make fun.

a 7 pound city bike motor?

ubercurmudgeon said...

Here is everything you need to know about Top Gear: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7CnMQ4L9Pc

jbf518 said...

If you don't like bike racing stop wasting fuckking time on it.

BikeSnobNYC said...

jbf518,

If you don't like fucking stop wasting extra "k"s on it.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

babble on said...

Oh come on now, who doesn't like fucking?

Al Dente said...

I totally don't get it. He cut the blue wire and the bomb went off and why do British EOD techs ride bicycles anyway?

BamaPhred said...

I'm waiting for the WWF version of Pro Tour Biek racing. I wanna see the racers trash talk either on camera, maybe instead of a points sprint they could have a wrestle off for starting position,hell, they are already wearing tights. And drug testing? Sure. Just like "No Weapons" that EVERYONE BUT THE REF sees in rassling. The possibilities are endless..I might even watch

Anonymous said...

Jeremy Clarkson is just a showman. He stands against any two wheeled meaning of transportation because he impersonates the average british "petrol head".
He does ride bike more often than the average person.

Dooth said...

Hypothetically speaking, that CitiBike mini motor conversion boxy thingy might just raise a few red flags from our NYPD anti-terror squad when they check bags at subway stations.

Blog Drafter said...

RF @ 2:46:

Obama's goals are obvious. His foreign policy centers around registering as many illegal aliens as possible in order to swing the '16 elections. Vlad's about to chase a million or so illegal Ukranians our way…it's perfect. After '16 Obama retires to a nice dacha in Crimera. You gotta hand it to him, that's a well thought out foreign policy.

Anonymous said...

Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. All we know is he’s called the Snob.

BamaPhred said...

I'm tired of stressing out over the "Ukraine Situation" Time to put it in perspective .

The robot killer says I have a ukorra habit

Freddy Murcks said...

I often watch Top Gear while I ride the trainer bicycling bicycle. It's a pretty funny show and it usually helps to stave off the suicidal thoughts that riding my trainer usually induces.




acensa beside

McFly said...

Boonen got to be pretty cool. He does coke and stuff. I bet he also employs the services of hookers. Belgian hookers.

claire said...

jeraldine clarkstone can lick my pink canoe

Lucas the Prince of Darkness said...

Being British the bomb was probably wired using Lucas electronics so it would have failed no matter what wire he cut.

rural 14 said...

Rural 1st!
back to below zero temps + studded tires.
why for trucks always passing me on blind corners with icy shoulder at road edge?

Dave said...

"why for trucks always passing me on blind corners with icy shoulder at road edge?"

Ha Ha! Mr. Rural, is for the funny amusement that we truck drivers, bored and sad, make the fun with the poor bicycles on the ice roads. Back in Ukraine, cyclists mostly dead now, too sorry bad. Here is my cigarette, only half smoked, for you! Oops, he fall in icy water.

See You In Hell said...

I've got a huge cock. i've also got a plastic bike festooned with overpriced dodads and what not. There are people starving in Africa that would live a year off the price of my groupset. Go! USA! Go! As your water fails and your fracking grows look to H20 issues with Canada that will put the Keystone Pipeline issue to shame. Fuck you idiots.

McFly said...

Our lil southern burg has not seen significant snow or ice in 7 or 8 years and I got the 4wd Hemi out today and let me tell you......we act fools. There were people stuck everywhere and as I laughed I hit a lil mound of snow plowed bank and THE ENTIRE CAR CAKE ON MY ROOF SLID DOWN AND COMPLETELY BLOCKED MY VISION FROM THE WINDSHIELD. Shit got real.

dancesonpedals said...

the bomb squad cyclist video was actually pretty funny. if you can't take a joke you shouldn't wear the uniformjoke

lance mannion said...

wasn't that "Back To School " proffesor Sam Kinison ? Great scene re the Korean Conflict

Euro Spondee said...

Man, we sure done got us some bad spellers here today, and I am not talking about Roille and his fake Britishisms. Colour me tickled pink.

Anonymous said...

Bike baiting? Is that a banana on a stick?

dancesonpedals said...

hey, euro spondee, wither or not we spell correctly ...oh wait a minute, wether ... no that's not it either... WETTHER...I'm sorry, that's just the worst spell of weather we've had in years

rsegoing sphere

leroy said...

My dog sold me a 49% interest in his Citibike accessory that allows you to transport Cheetos without crushing them.

It's just a repurposed Fresh Direct box with some used bubble wrap and old sneaker laces, but we're still in the prototype stage.

He promises to rig up something fancier once I've finished field testing. Hope it's not too much longer. We're running out of storage space for the Cheetos he's had me buy.

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Anonymous said...

--Installs in less than 10 seconds
--Weighs 6-7 lbs
--Up to 18 MPH
--Range of 12-20 miles

You sure thats not Babbles new vibrator?

DB said...

Anon at 5:40 for COD. Well done, sir.
Welcome back Leroy.

JLRB said...

My new kickstarter - conversion kits to convert citibikes into unhip fixies. It will include a hacksaw to cut the bars into 2" stubs, and cable cutters to eliminate brakes.

If you contribute $50 I will send you a BSNY cap.

Anonymous said...

So I hit the next blog button at the top of the page just for kicks and it took me to this:
http://justlandrovers.blogspot.com

Woo Hoo said...

Don't worry, they're just getting people riled so they can post an apology they've already filmed...

https://twitter.com/bigcox/status/428833596447948800

Anonymous said...

Just FYI: it's "daylight saving", not "daylight savings".

Enjoying the blog. Thanks!