Wednesday, March 12, 2014

I'm back, just in time for Wednesday!



...and I'm back.

So where was I?

Right.

So last Saturday was a beautiful (for March) day, and so we loaded up our Smugness Fleet and set out on the Hudson River Greenway, which is a greenway that runs along the Hudson River, which is a river:


It was, as you can imagine, a typical first-nice-day-of-the-year shitshow out there.  Wobbly riders on tri bikes, club dorks with race wheels on their backs headed to the Grant's Tomb Criterium, spackled-on skunk stripes the width of fat bike tires on everybody because all the snow was finally melting but nobody in New York has ever heard of "fenders"...  As usual though, the real stand-outs were those in the Gran Fondo New York jerseys, and through it all one of these riders--who still had the number on his bike from last year's event, which was in May, for fuck's sake, so he's been proudly sporting the thing for nearly a year now--is riding straight down the middle, shouting "On your left!" to anything and everything within earshot.  You know, like there's this guy, there's the entire rest of the world, and he's on the left of it.  He's the leftmost point of the world.  He's so on your left that he's transcended ordinary Fredliness and gone right to Trotskyism.

Seriously, I don't know how anybody survives the Gran Fondo New York, it's gotta be death by a thousand "On your lefts:"


By the way, that's a dialogue bubble, not an On-Your-Left-Fred-Eating Space Creature, though in retrospect I like the idea of an On-Your-Left-Fred-Eating Space Creature better.  

The worst person out there by far though was the guy riding a brakeless fixie--which I didn't even think people did anymore--who was coming straight at me on the wrong side of the bike path while using his phone.  This wasn't the surreptitious "Hold the phone down low and take an occasional glance" thing, either.  This was full-on, hands-off-the-bars, sitting-bolt-upright, phone-in-the-face texting--basically like this, except instead of thumbing his nipple with one hand he had both hands on the phone:


(I'm paying my graphics people $1,000 per image, is that too much?)

Actually, it's possible he wasn't texting, and perhaps he was taking a "selfie," but either way he can go fuck himselfie.

So there he is, coming right at me, and I call out "Hey!," or "Achtung!," or "Hey, Dickcheese, get your head outta your urethra!" or something, I don't remember exactly, and finally he looks up, realized he's on the wrong fucking side of the bike path, and swerves out of my way.  And what does he say as he passes me?

"Thanks."

Thanks.  Not "Sorry," but "Thanks," like I just passed him the fucking ketchup.  In a way it was just like that doofus who made me pump up his tire for him on New Year's Day, in that he was operating under this assumption that there's such a thing as a "cycling community" that exists entirely to facilitate his cycling enjoyment.  It's like we all exist in order to be this guy's goddamn eyes for him while he's choosing the right Instagram filter for his stupid greenway fixie adventure.  "Thanks?"  Seriously?  You think I warned you for your sake?  I don't give a shit if you ride right into the Hudson River.  No, I just didn't want you to hit me.  In fact, if I hadn't had a human child on the back of my bike I wouldn't have warned him at all.  Instead, I'd have dismounted and ghost-ridden the Big Dummy right into him like a big green smugness torpedo.  Do you really think 200lbs of fixie and rider are going to make a dent in that tank?  Because I sure don't.

Anyway, other than that it was a great day of family-style bicycle cycling, and then later I got sick and threw up saag paneer.  ("Saag paneer" is an Indian dish, and not a trendy brand of Danish pannier.)

In other news, a number of readers have informed me that we won't be seeing too many more rail trails, since a Supreme Court Justice thinks they might result in bicycles running through people's houses:


Justice Stephen Breyer, who has had three bicycling accidents since 1993 — the last of which in April resulted in a shoulder replacement — envisioned a future in which landowners could be besieged by bikers.

"I certainly think bicycle paths are a good idea," he said, but "for all I know, there is some right-of-way that goes through people's houses, you know, and all of a sudden they are going to be living in their house, and suddenly a bicycle will run through it."

I ride on a converted rail trail regularly and I have yet to see a bicyclist go crashing through somebody's home.  Even if texting fixie guy were to veer off the path, fly off the embankment, and slam into somebody's Cape Cod, I can't imagine he'd do much more than dent the rain gutter.  Granted, the current fat bike craze could make bicycles more destructive to homes, but then again the big balloony tires would probably spare the house from damage altogether.  The point is, we don't know until we conduct extensive crash testing, so if you own a fat bike go outside and ride it at full speed into your neighbor's house immediately.

One thing's for sure though, and it's that if anybody could ride a bike through someone's house, it's this Breyer guy:


The 74-year-old justice fell while riding his bike along Washington's National Mall on Friday afternoon, NPR's Nina Totenberg tells our Newscast unit.

This makes the third time Breyer has sustained a major injury while riding his bicycle. In May 2011, the justice broke his collarbone riding near his home in Cambridge, Mass. In 1993, Boston.com reports, he suffered a punctured lung and broken ribs when a car hit him in Boston's Harvard Square.

He's like the Cadel Evans of the Supreme Court.

112 comments:

le Correcteur said...

podium top!

le Correcteur said...

and second

le Correcteur said...

and third; greedy greedy

le Correcteur said...

and fourth, greed beyond measure!

le Correcteur said...

it's the drugs, I tell you! They make me fast. And greedy too!

Anonymous said...

Top Ten!!

le Correcteur said...

Okay, I'm stopping with six.

le Correcteur said...

Where iiiis everybody? This is kinda spooky.

le Correcteur said...

Come on, folks! Drugs are no fun if you don't even have to try to outsprint for the last top ten spots.

le Correcteur said...

and ten? Was there a neutron bomb explosion and no-one told me?

streepo said...

Scranus




tiznegs people!!!!

Anonymous said...

will be top ten when le correcteur's drug sample comes back....

balls™ said...

Is it too early to post about oral sex?

"Actually, it's possible he wasn't texting, and perhaps he was taking a "selfie," but either way he can go fuck himselfie"

Or, is it going to be a masturbation day?

Anonymous said...

Crank up the Doctor Octagon [a.k.a Kool Keith] pump the 808 drum beats through my veins hit me up on the saddle off I go!

Kenny said...

I LIKE GRAN FONDO-RELATED ORIGINAL ARTWORK!

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Too shitty to ride today.

Kenny said...

and also, Nina Totenberg is hot!

Euro Spondee said...

On-Your-Left-Fred-Eating Space Creature for the win (on your left)

Anonymous said...

Neighbors house is fine other than 4-inch wide vee rubber signature

Marcel Da Chump said...

Left off top twenty.

DB said...

Glad you are feeling better.
We need to be entertained.

Bama Phred said...

Way to pull yourself off the porcelain princess, pull up those sweatpants, and crank out a blogulation! That was some early doors!

dancesonpedals said...

selfie on a fixie

tits on a bull

red nipples on a vento

what does it all mean

welcome back mr snob. wash your hands well.

babble on said...

That poor judge is probably related to me, bless his heart.

Anonymous said...

I rode right over the neighbor's with my 29er wheels. It would never have worked with 26 though. They thought I was that pesky raccoon in the attic again.

OYLFESC said...

TAKE ME TO YOUR CRABON
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE

WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL
WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL

McFly said...

That word....selfie....you keep using that word. I do not think that word means what you think it means....

dickey said...

Thanks!

CommieCanuck said...

I love those tough as nails old guys.

This is me one day.

Today, this is me. woosies


CommieCanuck said...

low hanging balls

old farts can't do HTML..

This is me, woosies.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Not ventured out on my railtrail greenway yet. Obstacles are generally pretty sparse during the early spring. Nice time to ride.

Once it warms up a bit more clumps of senior citizens standing directly in the middle of the trail having conversations blocking both lanes will appear like some kind of fuzzy blue gray fungus.

CommieCanuck said...

Who's going to be the first asshole to post something mentioning anal sex?

CommieCanuck said...

oh, shit.

ken e. said...

i'll go with the lovecraftian "on your left" space monster please. it is that time again.

streepo said...

I guess you pegged that one, commie

dancesonpedals said...

I can't even spell HTML


orchard stiustmat

Anonymous said...

Top XL

The King of Park Slope said...

"... perhaps he was taking a "selfie," but either way he can go fuck himselfie."

Somewhat contrived ... no?

Regular guy said...

I've ridden into a house once. I'll admit to BUI, but the house was only three feet off the path. Lets just say I did nowhere near the damage a taxi can do to a Dunkin Donuts.

non-robo-proof:

rentie can

Is that a name of a port-a-pottie company?

DerZoots said...

Three notable accidents spanning 21 years is a big deal?


Ppfpffffffftttt.


Yacht Curator said...

Glad your illness has run it's course without sequelae.

Two long, two short (on your left).

I was gong to mention anal sex, but, fortunately, thought better of it.

babble on said...

Good point, Zoots. I've been known to do that in a week.

Jed said...

That is just wrong.

McFly said...

Did they do the ol' prostate exam while you were at the doctor? Tryin' to stay on topic and sound concerned all at the same time.

Nailed it.

Roille Figners said...

I liked "fuck himselfie," what can I say.

And "ah yes," the First Nice Day Shitshow. Spring is springing -- maybe that means the Giant on the bike rack at my work will soon be unlocked by whatever woosie locked it there ALL WINTER. (Unless they died or something.) Spiderwebs come & go in the frame triangle. The chain has slowly rusted. There are little gray trails of (I guess) aluminum oxide across the bottom half of the never-moving and now-deflated tires showing the path of water flowing downward. Get a garage!

Blog Drafter said...

INDIAN FOOD ROBOT FAN SAYS:


who atesuc?

leftmost point of the world said...

On your left. Forever.

JLRB said...

First of all I cry foul.

Second, Rollie - we have one of those locked to our work bike rack too - it has been thee so long the lock chain is rusting. I wish I would have done time lapse photos of its slow decline.

And first of, welcome back - I hope you have cured this site of the venereal disease that set in over the last 48 hours.

JLRB said...

From now on I am not yelling "on yer left" anymore - I will say Mensheviks, or, if I am winded, a simple Mao.

Faliero said...

The "on your left" assholes on the Greenway need to understand that it is a narrow and crowded path and that pedestrians have the right away and that they don't have to move out of th3 way just because they yell "on your left" (i.e. "get the fuck out of my way peasant I'm more important than you and can't be bothered to slow down from my 13mph full out sprint because it will fuck up my Strava result and make me look slower and more pathetic than I already am"). If that person was interested in riding fast and knows anything about riding in NYC they should be on Riverside drive with the traffic and not the crowded greenway (unless like you they are out for a leisurely ride with the family). As a near daily user of the Greenway nothing bothers me more than those aggro "on your left" fuckers. Of course they will argue that there is a dedicated bike lane on the Greenway and they are only yelling to warn people who are in the wrong lane, again I say fuck you, you just can't expect to ride fast on the 6 foot wide path that is filled with people, so get the fuck over it or get on the road.

Matthew said...

You're on fire today, Snob.

Anonymous said...

The toilet pic reminds me that I'm turtling, and I need to visit the salle de bain.

Spokey said...

I think it's time for the judge to get a tricycle. But I do think the judge is right. If the gov isn't using the land it stole from the people, it can give it back to them.



65668565 30 is the number of robot flatulence episodes & number of times it excused itself this morning.

ge said...

Funny post Snob.

You thought the guy would say sorry? Where do you think you are? Canada?

Well, sorry, but you're not.

I am. Sorry.

Crawl out of Canada's unapologetic underpants sometime and come up and experience a lifetime's worth of apologies.

Anonymous said...

I emptied my colon after turtling, and now I'm back to the comment section.

There was no flatulence. Just a clean drop.

Anonymous said...

Riding your bike makes for better bowel movements.

Anonymous said...

$1000 per image.

I think you're getting good value.

Anonymous said...

I quit saying "on your left" when I realized that it must be my Svengali like powers pulling pedestrians directly into my path.

No, I offer up a friendly "Hello" or "Excuse me". Not so I can ride fast, but so I can ride at all. I don't need the whole 6 foot path, any 2 feet will do.

Roille Figners said...

Moving on to legal matters of the public land survey, how can there be a railroad right of way going through someone's house? Seems like that would mean either someone built their house on railroad property, or it's a wrong-of-way. Either way, this court finds that the up-fucking party needs to fix that shit, gavel, next case.

RoadQueen said...

"In fact, if I hadn't had a human child on the back of my bike I wouldn't have warned him at all. Instead, I'd have dismounted and ghost-ridden the Big Dummy right into him like a big green smugness torpedo. Do you really think 200lbs of fixie and rider are going to make a dent in that tank? Because I sure don't."

Awesome post today, Snob. I guffawed so loudly over the above quote, I feared that my internet related foffing off would be discovered by those who pay my bills.

Oral, Anal, Selfie...can't we have it all?

(By the way, I call selfies "one-somes". Just seems fitting.)

Regular guy said...

Closests calls on a rails-to-trails paths:

First:Middle aged guy walking with his wife and 4-5 year old. Guy's carrying a long handled net, sees butterfly, runs around oblivious to any and all others on the trail while desperately trying to catch butterfly.

In the process the guy almost knocks his kid over, I have to brake and veer into the grass trailside (after having given the "On yer left) hail.

Second:Guy running along with earbuds in listening to Lob-knows-what, I am aproaching, give the OYL hail, runner does a looping 180 direction change without so much as a glance over his shoulder(I guess this was his halfway point).

Moral: Don't count on any sort of warning signal to register with any other trail user. Approach slowly with wide berth.

Anonymous said...

Whenever someone says "ON YOUR LEFT" at me (which is usually on a 40-foot wide empty park drive), I turn around and look to my left, naturally. And since I don't believe that there's such a thing as "bike handling skills," this causes me to veer to the left, just as Spandex is aiming to pass within one centimeter of me. This always aggravates Spandex so much that he goes home and beats his cat, which is animal cruelty and hopefully lands him in jail, reducing the population of Spandex on the road.

ex-con said...

"On your left" means hold the shank in your right hand when you turn around.

convicted aidingf

dancesonpedals said...

I love spandex, but can neither sing, nor play guitar. It is the love of lycra that keeps me on my bike.

dancesonpedals said...

BIBT IGHTS

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...i have a bicycleeng question:

...my paneers saag when they are loaded. any advise?

Perpetually confused said...

I mix up my rights and lefts, therefore I got a knuckle tattoo that reads

ONYR LEFT

But it still screws me up because the LEFT is on my right hand.

All you can eat buffet said...

Retro, try not to put so much food on your paneers, either that or place them on a plate before loading.

All you can eat buffet also said...

Oh, and under no circumstance should you ride your bicycle in the restaurant.

Vernal Magina said...

Podium?

Dooth said...

Wildcat, I'm hoping you said,ON YOUR FACE, to that wrong lane fixie fucking himselfie rider.

Anonymous said...

Yesterday I went for the first ride in Central Park. In years.
I did not realize what a circus road racing has become.
BTW too many tourists, runners, dog walkers etc... not smart to take a road bike there.

The cycling fauna was quite amusing.
Tall on small bikes, small on tall bikes, wanna be pro drivetrains, people talking about their coach, people that can barely balance no hands riding $8000 ti (firefly blah) mini-velos etc.... A noah arc of bikes and riders. I was amazed on the number of people wearing team jerseys.

From the wanna be pros to the mini velo guys, everybody looked like a "pro" with thousands of dollars invested in they outfit and ride.

Heard few "On your right/left" from the top of the pros. Which makes me think these people must not be very confident in their handling skills. I slowly realized these people were not riding last time I went for a road ride. They do not have anything in common with cycling. Blame it on Armstrong. They are just as much as an asshole as the speeding SUV guys and I have no sympathy if they get run over as they probably should.

"GET OFF THE LANE RUNNNERRS" South Park style.

Thanks for bringing down a sport that still had some style. And stop dressing like Italians because you are 4 size too big to pretend to be a (pro or not) road cyclist. Idiots.

ed woody said...

when I was in the army, I wore spandex under my uniform, even when parachuting into battle. I was always afraid that I would be injured, and the medics cutting away my uniform would learn my secret.....it started when I was a child. My mother was a Bernard Hinault fan, and she'd dress me up in a La vie claire full team kit.

testing ummeriv

ge said...

Do people who take selfies practice onanography? Hmm, no, that'll never make it into urban dictionary.

Anonymous said...

I yell ON YOUR LEFT when I am doing a missionary pull out money shot. Because it pulls abruptly to the left. Because it has a significant curve in it to the left. She always says the same thing......."That's my right titty."

Food engineer said...

Folding your paneer like a taco greatly increases the structural rigidity of the bread, allowing substantially more food to be loaded within.

Anonymous said...

Woohoo great post and so true Snobby. Got a random video text from my girl with her hand down the front of her white panties and her moaning and now this gem.

I think it was her hand.......

Yacht Curator said...

Back in 70s and 80s when I was a fred, the Is and IIs who let me train with them wore, at best, last year's club jersey, if they needed the pockets, or a teeshirt if the didn't. John Allis might wear his National Champ's stars and stripes to a Weds pm crit just for a hoot, but anyone who showed up anywhere in trade team kit would have been laughed off the road. Of course, the synthetics were garbage then, but how times have changed and how grouchy I've become.

least velowice. How true.

wishiwasmerckx said...

The thing about saag paneer is that it looks about the same going in as coming out, no matter which end it ultimately comes out of.

babble on said...

Hot in here today! You guys are all on fire. Heh heh ... he can go fuckhimselfie...heh heh heh.... Love love love it here.

Snobberdooddoooodledoooo. :D

It's a bit nutz outside on the Canadian roads these days, though, with so many people running tired this week. Be vigilant.

I'm aiming for an early bedtime. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm bedtime.

JB said...

Fred Snob @ 4:36: you were one of those Freds in Central Park. So you can balance with no hands. Congratulations. How Wonderful. Get over yourself.

And do you have some sort of soft spot for Italians in full kit?

ge said...

Holy crap Babs, you're not kidding. Had a woman in a CRVish looking thing come flying out of her townhouse complex almost hit me this morning. Had my 420 lumen headlight, a helment light, going slower than fuck up hill and I still had to slam on my brakes. DST is dangerous.

H I M S E L F I E said...

F U C K

Onlooker said...

I like selfie snuff films

ouabacher said...

 "In fact, if I hadn't had a human child on the back of my bike I wouldn't have warned him at all."

Huh. I work with a woman who had one in the back of a Honda. I'm sure the trade-in value was more on par with the equivalent Chrysler product.

1904 Cadardi said...

@Yacht Curator,

Back in my racing days the clothing rotation looked like this:

Monday: last years
Tuesday: 2 years ago
Wednesday: 3 years ago
Etc. Repeat when you run out of clean jerseys and have to do laundry.

You could tell the guys who had been racing the longest by who wore the oldest team jersey. Custom shorts were way too pricey then so every one was in matching black.

Now get offa my lawn!

Anonymous said...

"...he was operating under this assumption that there's such a thing as a "cycling community" that exists entirely to facilitate his cycling enjoyment."

Not to be a pedant*, but I think you misspelled "felate."

Anonymous said...

dealer called; my gravel bike is coming in Friday.

any mouse said...

I see what you did here... the little star thing and no footnote.

"Anonymous said...
"...he was operating under this assumption that there's such a thing as a "cycling community" that exists entirely to facilitate his cycling enjoyment."

Not to be a pedant*, but I think you misspelled "felate.""

cute!

Evil Genius said...

I yell,"On your left" then pass on the right. Mooharr harrh harrh.

Onanographer said...

*fellate

McFly said...

Why does the BOOK NOW link not work on Recumbabe? Money is not a problem. Tell her I am not a creepy butt bandito and FIX THAT LINK. I just wanna play with them titties.

JLRB said...

Raise your hand if you have hauled a box of lobsters on a cargo bike

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

JLRB, No, I just stuff them down my trade jersey like those pro domesteeks do

Southpaw said...

"Perpetually confused said...
I mix up my rights and lefts, therefore I got a knuckle tattoo that reads 

ONYR LEFT


But it still screws me up because the LEFT is on my right hand"

No it isn't. If you are holding out your knuckle tats in the proper manner, thusly , you will notice that the second word is on your left hand. Even if it is on the right in the picture, or in the mirror.
Duh. (If the HTML doesn't work, you can scorn right back at me).

dancesonpedals said...

my dick hurts
rmagesr burtons

Anonymous said...

My anus hurts.

But not from buttsex.

Anonymous said...

Excuse me: buttseks

wishiwasmerckx said...

99th...

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and 100th!

Anonymous said...

Whats the big deal with corn-holing? Every now and then my boyfriend is strugglin and everything is nice and slick so I take it and ease it in. 2 min and its over. AND BONUS NO BABIES!

Fred said...

He fell on the National Mall???! I hope he was on a Roubaix...

As Your Attorny said...

We will take the my foot slipped defense.

rightdownthemiddle said...

ONYER LEFT!

Anonymous said...

Roseanne used to give me handjobs inside my soccer shorts when we were studying algebra with her mom and stepdad in the living room watching TV. The 5th or 6th time she.....orally muffled the ending. I bragged to one of the seniors and next thing I know he is dating her. Son of a........

BamaPhred said...

JB @ 5:49
Where did you get my picture? Yah gotta bulk up around here to fend off f-250's and loose pitbulls.

Mayday! Mayday! "mapeuo down"

And condolences to all who may have been affected by the Park Ave explosion. Smelled gas for DAYS, according to our news

pisstank said...

you should get sick and take days off more often! very good post.

Justice Thomas said said...

A SC Justice actually said that. YIKES! And he's not considered to be one of the wacka-wacka judges.

Anonymous said...

"ON YOUR LEFT !!"
... Oh, don't worry, I'm not going to pass you, I'm just gonna suck up a little draft for a while, you don't mind do you?

Oh yes the squeaky sound of my dry chain and derailer pullies will accompany us both, no worries!

vsk

Casey Jones said...

Planes hit houses fairly frequently, never read a news story about a bike hitting a house.

Anonymous said...

Saag would be Finnish. Såg would be Danish. Gotta go.

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