...and I'm back.
So where was I?
Right.
So last Saturday was a beautiful (for March) day, and so we loaded up our Smugness Fleet and set out on the Hudson River Greenway, which is a greenway that runs along the Hudson River, which is a river:
It was, as you can imagine, a typical first-nice-day-of-the-year shitshow out there. Wobbly riders on tri bikes, club dorks with race wheels on their backs headed to the Grant's Tomb Criterium, spackled-on skunk stripes the width of fat bike tires on everybody because all the snow was finally melting but nobody in New York has ever heard of "fenders"... As usual though, the real stand-outs were those in the Gran Fondo New York jerseys, and through it all one of these riders--who still had the number on his bike from last year's event, which was in May, for fuck's sake, so he's been proudly sporting the thing for nearly a year now--is riding straight down the middle, shouting "On your left!" to anything and everything within earshot. You know, like there's this guy, there's the entire rest of the world, and he's on the left of it. He's the leftmost point of the world. He's so on your left that he's transcended ordinary Fredliness and gone right to Trotskyism.
Seriously, I don't know how anybody survives the Gran Fondo New York, it's gotta be death by a thousand "On your lefts:"
By the way, that's a dialogue bubble, not an On-Your-Left-Fred-Eating Space Creature, though in retrospect I like the idea of an On-Your-Left-Fred-Eating Space Creature better.
The worst person out there by far though was the guy riding a brakeless fixie--which I didn't even think people did anymore--who was coming straight at me on the wrong side of the bike path while using his phone. This wasn't the surreptitious "Hold the phone down low and take an occasional glance" thing, either. This was full-on, hands-off-the-bars, sitting-bolt-upright, phone-in-the-face texting--basically like this, except instead of thumbing his nipple with one hand he had both hands on the phone:
(I'm paying my graphics people $1,000 per image, is that too much?)
Actually, it's possible he wasn't texting, and perhaps he was taking a "selfie," but either way he can go fuck himselfie.
So there he is, coming right at me, and I call out "Hey!," or "Achtung!," or "Hey, Dickcheese, get your head outta your urethra!" or something, I don't remember exactly, and finally he looks up, realized he's on the wrong fucking side of the bike path, and swerves out of my way. And what does he say as he passes me?
"Thanks."
Thanks. Not "Sorry," but "Thanks," like I just passed him the fucking ketchup. In a way it was just like that doofus who made me pump up his tire for him on New Year's Day, in that he was operating under this assumption that there's such a thing as a "cycling community" that exists entirely to facilitate his cycling enjoyment. It's like we all exist in order to be this guy's goddamn eyes for him while he's choosing the right Instagram filter for his stupid greenway fixie adventure. "Thanks?" Seriously? You think I warned you for your sake? I don't give a shit if you ride right into the Hudson River. No, I just didn't want you to hit me. In fact, if I hadn't had a human child on the back of my bike I wouldn't have warned him at all. Instead, I'd have dismounted and ghost-ridden the Big Dummy right into him like a big green smugness torpedo. Do you really think 200lbs of fixie and rider are going to make a dent in that tank? Because I sure don't.
Anyway, other than that it was a great day of family-style bicycle cycling, and then later I got sick and threw up saag paneer. ("Saag paneer" is an Indian dish, and not a trendy brand of Danish pannier.)
In other news, a number of readers have informed me that we won't be seeing too many more rail trails, since a Supreme Court Justice thinks they might result in bicycles running through people's houses:
"I certainly think bicycle paths are a good idea," he said, but "for all I know, there is some right-of-way that goes through people's houses, you know, and all of a sudden they are going to be living in their house, and suddenly a bicycle will run through it."
I ride on a converted rail trail regularly and I have yet to see a bicyclist go crashing through somebody's home. Even if texting fixie guy were to veer off the path, fly off the embankment, and slam into somebody's Cape Cod, I can't imagine he'd do much more than dent the rain gutter. Granted, the current fat bike craze could make bicycles more destructive to homes, but then again the big balloony tires would probably spare the house from damage altogether. The point is, we don't know until we conduct extensive crash testing, so if you own a fat bike go outside and ride it at full speed into your neighbor's house immediately.
One thing's for sure though, and it's that if anybody could ride a bike through someone's house, it's this Breyer guy:
The 74-year-old justice fell while riding his bike along Washington's National Mall on Friday afternoon, NPR's Nina Totenberg tells our Newscast unit.
This makes the third time Breyer has sustained a major injury while riding his bicycle. In May 2011, the justice broke his collarbone riding near his home in Cambridge, Mass. In 1993, Boston.com reports, he suffered a punctured lung and broken ribs when a car hit him in Boston's Harvard Square.
He's like the Cadel Evans of the Supreme Court.
116 comments:
podium top!
and second
and third; greedy greedy
and fourth, greed beyond measure!
it's the drugs, I tell you! They make me fast. And greedy too!
Top Ten!!
Okay, I'm stopping with six.
Where iiiis everybody? This is kinda spooky.
Come on, folks! Drugs are no fun if you don't even have to try to outsprint for the last top ten spots.
and ten? Was there a neutron bomb explosion and no-one told me?
Scranus
tiznegs people!!!!
will be top ten when le correcteur's drug sample comes back....
Is it too early to post about oral sex?
"Actually, it's possible he wasn't texting, and perhaps he was taking a "selfie," but either way he can go fuck himselfie"
Or, is it going to be a masturbation day?
Crank up the Doctor Octagon [a.k.a Kool Keith] pump the 808 drum beats through my veins hit me up on the saddle off I go!
I LIKE GRAN FONDO-RELATED ORIGINAL ARTWORK!
Too shitty to ride today.
and also, Nina Totenberg is hot!
On-Your-Left-Fred-Eating Space Creature for the win (on your left)
Neighbors house is fine other than 4-inch wide vee rubber signature
Left off top twenty.
Glad you are feeling better.
We need to be entertained.
Way to pull yourself off the porcelain princess, pull up those sweatpants, and crank out a blogulation! That was some early doors!
selfie on a fixie
tits on a bull
red nipples on a vento
what does it all mean
welcome back mr snob. wash your hands well.
That poor judge is probably related to me, bless his heart.
I rode right over the neighbor's with my 29er wheels. It would never have worked with 26 though. They thought I was that pesky raccoon in the attic again.
TAKE ME TO YOUR CRABON
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL
WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL
That word....selfie....you keep using that word. I do not think that word means what you think it means....
Thanks!
I love those tough as nails old guys.
This is me one day.
Today, this is me. woosies
low hanging balls
old farts can't do HTML..
This is me, woosies.
Not ventured out on my railtrail greenway yet. Obstacles are generally pretty sparse during the early spring. Nice time to ride.
Once it warms up a bit more clumps of senior citizens standing directly in the middle of the trail having conversations blocking both lanes will appear like some kind of fuzzy blue gray fungus.
Who's going to be the first asshole to post something mentioning anal sex?
oh, shit.
i'll go with the lovecraftian "on your left" space monster please. it is that time again.
I guess you pegged that one, commie
I can't even spell HTML
orchard stiustmat
Top XL
"... perhaps he was taking a "selfie," but either way he can go fuck himselfie."
Somewhat contrived ... no?
I've ridden into a house once. I'll admit to BUI, but the house was only three feet off the path. Lets just say I did nowhere near the damage a taxi can do to a Dunkin Donuts.
non-robo-proof:
rentie can
Is that a name of a port-a-pottie company?
Three notable accidents spanning 21 years is a big deal?
Ppfpffffffftttt.
Glad your illness has run it's course without sequelae.
Two long, two short (on your left).
I was gong to mention anal sex, but, fortunately, thought better of it.
Good point, Zoots. I've been known to do that in a week.
That is just wrong.
Did they do the ol' prostate exam while you were at the doctor? Tryin' to stay on topic and sound concerned all at the same time.
Nailed it.
I liked "fuck himselfie," what can I say.
And "ah yes," the First Nice Day Shitshow. Spring is springing -- maybe that means the Giant on the bike rack at my work will soon be unlocked by whatever woosie locked it there ALL WINTER. (Unless they died or something.) Spiderwebs come & go in the frame triangle. The chain has slowly rusted. There are little gray trails of (I guess) aluminum oxide across the bottom half of the never-moving and now-deflated tires showing the path of water flowing downward. Get a garage!
INDIAN FOOD ROBOT FAN SAYS:
who atesuc?
On your left. Forever.
First of all I cry foul.
Second, Rollie - we have one of those locked to our work bike rack too - it has been thee so long the lock chain is rusting. I wish I would have done time lapse photos of its slow decline.
And first of, welcome back - I hope you have cured this site of the venereal disease that set in over the last 48 hours.
From now on I am not yelling "on yer left" anymore - I will say Mensheviks, or, if I am winded, a simple Mao.
The "on your left" assholes on the Greenway need to understand that it is a narrow and crowded path and that pedestrians have the right away and that they don't have to move out of th3 way just because they yell "on your left" (i.e. "get the fuck out of my way peasant I'm more important than you and can't be bothered to slow down from my 13mph full out sprint because it will fuck up my Strava result and make me look slower and more pathetic than I already am"). If that person was interested in riding fast and knows anything about riding in NYC they should be on Riverside drive with the traffic and not the crowded greenway (unless like you they are out for a leisurely ride with the family). As a near daily user of the Greenway nothing bothers me more than those aggro "on your left" fuckers. Of course they will argue that there is a dedicated bike lane on the Greenway and they are only yelling to warn people who are in the wrong lane, again I say fuck you, you just can't expect to ride fast on the 6 foot wide path that is filled with people, so get the fuck over it or get on the road.
You're on fire today, Snob.
The toilet pic reminds me that I'm turtling, and I need to visit the salle de bain.
I think it's time for the judge to get a tricycle. But I do think the judge is right. If the gov isn't using the land it stole from the people, it can give it back to them.
65668565 30 is the number of robot flatulence episodes & number of times it excused itself this morning.
Funny post Snob.
You thought the guy would say sorry? Where do you think you are? Canada?
Well, sorry, but you're not.
I am. Sorry.
Crawl out of Canada's unapologetic underpants sometime and come up and experience a lifetime's worth of apologies.
I emptied my colon after turtling, and now I'm back to the comment section.
There was no flatulence. Just a clean drop.
Riding your bike makes for better bowel movements.
$1000 per image.
I think you're getting good value.
I quit saying "on your left" when I realized that it must be my Svengali like powers pulling pedestrians directly into my path.
No, I offer up a friendly "Hello" or "Excuse me". Not so I can ride fast, but so I can ride at all. I don't need the whole 6 foot path, any 2 feet will do.
Moving on to legal matters of the public land survey, how can there be a railroad right of way going through someone's house? Seems like that would mean either someone built their house on railroad property, or it's a wrong-of-way. Either way, this court finds that the up-fucking party needs to fix that shit, gavel, next case.
"In fact, if I hadn't had a human child on the back of my bike I wouldn't have warned him at all. Instead, I'd have dismounted and ghost-ridden the Big Dummy right into him like a big green smugness torpedo. Do you really think 200lbs of fixie and rider are going to make a dent in that tank? Because I sure don't."
Awesome post today, Snob. I guffawed so loudly over the above quote, I feared that my internet related foffing off would be discovered by those who pay my bills.
Oral, Anal, Selfie...can't we have it all?
(By the way, I call selfies "one-somes". Just seems fitting.)
Closests calls on a rails-to-trails paths:
First:Middle aged guy walking with his wife and 4-5 year old. Guy's carrying a long handled net, sees butterfly, runs around oblivious to any and all others on the trail while desperately trying to catch butterfly.
In the process the guy almost knocks his kid over, I have to brake and veer into the grass trailside (after having given the "On yer left) hail.
Second:Guy running along with earbuds in listening to Lob-knows-what, I am aproaching, give the OYL hail, runner does a looping 180 direction change without so much as a glance over his shoulder(I guess this was his halfway point).
Moral: Don't count on any sort of warning signal to register with any other trail user. Approach slowly with wide berth.
Whenever someone says "ON YOUR LEFT" at me (which is usually on a 40-foot wide empty park drive), I turn around and look to my left, naturally. And since I don't believe that there's such a thing as "bike handling skills," this causes me to veer to the left, just as Spandex is aiming to pass within one centimeter of me. This always aggravates Spandex so much that he goes home and beats his cat, which is animal cruelty and hopefully lands him in jail, reducing the population of Spandex on the road.
"On your left" means hold the shank in your right hand when you turn around.
convicted aidingf
I love spandex, but can neither sing, nor play guitar. It is the love of lycra that keeps me on my bike.
BIBT IGHTS
...i have a bicycleeng question:
...my paneers saag when they are loaded. any advise?
I mix up my rights and lefts, therefore I got a knuckle tattoo that reads
ONYR LEFT
But it still screws me up because the LEFT is on my right hand.
Retro, try not to put so much food on your paneers, either that or place them on a plate before loading.
Oh, and under no circumstance should you ride your bicycle in the restaurant.
Podium?
Wildcat, I'm hoping you said,ON YOUR FACE, to that wrong lane fixie fucking himselfie rider.
Yesterday I went for the first ride in Central Park. In years.
I did not realize what a circus road racing has become.
BTW too many tourists, runners, dog walkers etc... not smart to take a road bike there.
The cycling fauna was quite amusing.
Tall on small bikes, small on tall bikes, wanna be pro drivetrains, people talking about their coach, people that can barely balance no hands riding $8000 ti (firefly blah) mini-velos etc.... A noah arc of bikes and riders. I was amazed on the number of people wearing team jerseys.
From the wanna be pros to the mini velo guys, everybody looked like a "pro" with thousands of dollars invested in they outfit and ride.
Heard few "On your right/left" from the top of the pros. Which makes me think these people must not be very confident in their handling skills. I slowly realized these people were not riding last time I went for a road ride. They do not have anything in common with cycling. Blame it on Armstrong. They are just as much as an asshole as the speeding SUV guys and I have no sympathy if they get run over as they probably should.
"GET OFF THE LANE RUNNNERRS" South Park style.
Thanks for bringing down a sport that still had some style. And stop dressing like Italians because you are 4 size too big to pretend to be a (pro or not) road cyclist. Idiots.
when I was in the army, I wore spandex under my uniform, even when parachuting into battle. I was always afraid that I would be injured, and the medics cutting away my uniform would learn my secret.....it started when I was a child. My mother was a Bernard Hinault fan, and she'd dress me up in a La vie claire full team kit.
testing ummeriv
Do people who take selfies practice onanography? Hmm, no, that'll never make it into urban dictionary.
I yell ON YOUR LEFT when I am doing a missionary pull out money shot. Because it pulls abruptly to the left. Because it has a significant curve in it to the left. She always says the same thing......."That's my right titty."
Folding your paneer like a taco greatly increases the structural rigidity of the bread, allowing substantially more food to be loaded within.
Woohoo great post and so true Snobby. Got a random video text from my girl with her hand down the front of her white panties and her moaning and now this gem.
I think it was her hand.......
Back in 70s and 80s when I was a fred, the Is and IIs who let me train with them wore, at best, last year's club jersey, if they needed the pockets, or a teeshirt if the didn't. John Allis might wear his National Champ's stars and stripes to a Weds pm crit just for a hoot, but anyone who showed up anywhere in trade team kit would have been laughed off the road. Of course, the synthetics were garbage then, but how times have changed and how grouchy I've become.
least velowice. How true.
The thing about saag paneer is that it looks about the same going in as coming out, no matter which end it ultimately comes out of.
Hot in here today! You guys are all on fire. Heh heh ... he can go fuckhimselfie...heh heh heh.... Love love love it here.
Snobberdooddoooodledoooo. :D
It's a bit nutz outside on the Canadian roads these days, though, with so many people running tired this week. Be vigilant.
I'm aiming for an early bedtime. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm bedtime.
Fred Snob @ 4:36: you were one of those Freds in Central Park. So you can balance with no hands. Congratulations. How Wonderful. Get over yourself.
And do you have some sort of soft spot for Italians in full kit?
Holy crap Babs, you're not kidding. Had a woman in a CRVish looking thing come flying out of her townhouse complex almost hit me this morning. Had my 420 lumen headlight, a helment light, going slower than fuck up hill and I still had to slam on my brakes. DST is dangerous.
F U C K
I like selfie snuff films
"In fact, if I hadn't had a human child on the back of my bike I wouldn't have warned him at all."
Huh. I work with a woman who had one in the back of a Honda. I'm sure the trade-in value was more on par with the equivalent Chrysler product.
@Yacht Curator,
Back in my racing days the clothing rotation looked like this:
Monday: last years
Tuesday: 2 years ago
Wednesday: 3 years ago
Etc. Repeat when you run out of clean jerseys and have to do laundry.
You could tell the guys who had been racing the longest by who wore the oldest team jersey. Custom shorts were way too pricey then so every one was in matching black.
Now get offa my lawn!
"...he was operating under this assumption that there's such a thing as a "cycling community" that exists entirely to facilitate his cycling enjoyment."
Not to be a pedant*, but I think you misspelled "felate."
dealer called; my gravel bike is coming in Friday.
I see what you did here... the little star thing and no footnote.
"Anonymous said...
"...he was operating under this assumption that there's such a thing as a "cycling community" that exists entirely to facilitate his cycling enjoyment."
Not to be a pedant*, but I think you misspelled "felate.""
cute!
I yell,"On your left" then pass on the right. Mooharr harrh harrh.
*fellate
Why does the BOOK NOW link not work on Recumbabe? Money is not a problem. Tell her I am not a creepy butt bandito and FIX THAT LINK. I just wanna play with them titties.
Raise your hand if you have hauled a box of lobsters on a cargo bike
JLRB, No, I just stuff them down my trade jersey like those pro domesteeks do
"Perpetually confused said...
I mix up my rights and lefts, therefore I got a knuckle tattoo that reads ONYR LEFT
But it still screws me up because the LEFT is on my right hand"
No it isn't. If you are holding out your knuckle tats in the proper manner, thusly , you will notice that the second word is on your left hand. Even if it is on the right in the picture, or in the mirror.
Duh. (If the HTML doesn't work, you can scorn right back at me).
my dick hurts
rmagesr burtons
My anus hurts.
But not from buttsex.
Excuse me: buttseks
99th...
...and 100th!
Whats the big deal with corn-holing? Every now and then my boyfriend is strugglin and everything is nice and slick so I take it and ease it in. 2 min and its over. AND BONUS NO BABIES!
He fell on the National Mall???! I hope he was on a Roubaix...
We will take the my foot slipped defense.
ONYER LEFT!
Roseanne used to give me handjobs inside my soccer shorts when we were studying algebra with her mom and stepdad in the living room watching TV. The 5th or 6th time she.....orally muffled the ending. I bragged to one of the seniors and next thing I know he is dating her. Son of a........
JB @ 5:49
Where did you get my picture? Yah gotta bulk up around here to fend off f-250's and loose pitbulls.
Mayday! Mayday! "mapeuo down"
And condolences to all who may have been affected by the Park Ave explosion. Smelled gas for DAYS, according to our news
you should get sick and take days off more often! very good post.
A SC Justice actually said that. YIKES! And he's not considered to be one of the wacka-wacka judges.
"ON YOUR LEFT !!"
... Oh, don't worry, I'm not going to pass you, I'm just gonna suck up a little draft for a while, you don't mind do you?
Oh yes the squeaky sound of my dry chain and derailer pullies will accompany us both, no worries!
vsk
Planes hit houses fairly frequently, never read a news story about a bike hitting a house.
Saag would be Finnish. SÃ¥g would be Danish. Gotta go.
I agree with your view.your article is excellent. I have been examinating out some of your stories and i can state pretty nice stuff. I look onward your next editorial. Its a great post.
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Wow. What a evening with Sumona Arora .. She was awesome, fun, sexy and awesome Delhi Escorts. Many hours, awesome fun. I will see them her again for romantic experience of GFE.
Thanks
Mukesh Yadav
good
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