Thursday, March 13, 2014

I can smell the spring on Old Man Winter's icy fingers.

When you're a semi-professional bike blogger, one problem with getting sick is that you fall behind on ignoring marketing emails:

I'm following up on an email I sent you earlier this week regarding the Allo, the world's first bike mount and speaker combo.

The Allo gives bike riders full access to their smartphones (navigation, music and calls) while still being able to pay attention to the road or trail. It's great for people who commute by bike or just want to enjoy their phones while riding. With no other mount-speaker's currently on the market, the Allo was designed to be easy to use and create accessibility to your smartphone. Not only that, but the Allo was invented by teen bike enthusiast Benji Miller, who is leveraging Kickstarter as a lauchpad to this new business.

My first reaction was to hate the "Allo," for two reasons.  Firstly, I detest marketing speak.  "Leveraging Kickstarter?"  Just say "using Kickstarter."  Do you say "I'm going to leverage some toilet paper to wipe my ass?"  No, you do not.  (Though I suppose you need a certain degree leverage to do the job well.)

Secondly, I'm old, and I fucking hate smartphones.  Remember how cellphones were supposed to give you cancer?  You don't hear much about that anymore.  I don't think this is because it's not true; rather, I think it's because after your doctor gives you your fatal diagnosis you look up from Twitter and go, "I'm sorry, what where you saying?," at which point the doctor says, "Never mind, you're fine," and then you go happily on your way until you step out into traffic while texting and get run over by a texting driver.

That's not to say I don't use a smartphone.  On the contrary, like every other asshole I'm completely addicted to mine.  In fact, I spent an entire post yesterday excoriating someone for using his while riding when I've done the exact same thing probably a thousand times.  Actually, since I easily had a good 15 years on the guy, I was probably cellphoning-and-cycling when he was in middle school.

So there I was, prepared to hate the "Allo," but then I checked the Kickstarter, and while I still hate it the inventor seems like a really nice kid--a nice kid who wants almost twenty-five grand, but still:

 

Really, my biggest reservation about this is that this will lead to a proliferation of thin, trebly, warbly music on our public thoroughfares.  Big SUVs blasting shitty music is bad enough, but a bunch of Allos out there playing jangly 21st century rock music is death by a thousand paper cuts.  See, I'm old enough to remember a time when, if you traveled with a portable sound system, it at least had a pair of literal speakers and figurative balls:



Do you think LL Cool J's audition would have been nearly as successful if he'd rolled in on a Huffy and given the order "Allo" instead of "Box?"  Because I don't.  And that's really the test of any portable audio system.  If you can't ride one-handed with a 1980's-era box on your shoulder then maybe you haven't earned the right to headphone-free entertainment.

In any case, good luck kid, we're all counting on you.

Oh, here's another email I got:

Hi, BikeSnotNYC!

A buddy of mine is bicycling 6000 miles from Alaska to Florida and turning it into a real-time web series.  I'm trying to help him with some promotion, so I wanted to reach out to your site.  I think his Kickstarter campaign would TOTALLY be a worthwhile one to put on your homepage, and I'm sure he'd really appreciate the promotion!  How does one go about getting a project promoted on your homepage?

Here is the link to his campaign:

Which I clicked, and who did I see?


(It's a rhetorical question, I saw this guy.)

Okays, so not only does he call me "BikeSnotNYC" (which made me cry), but he doesn't realize I already wrote a whole entire post about his friend?  From this, I can conclude two (2) things:

1) He doesn't read my blog;
2) My blog is not exactly the launchpad to fame and riches that this person seems to think it is, especially if your goal is to get bitter strangers killing time at the jobs they hate to underwrite your vacation.

In any case, good luck kid, we're all counting on you.

In the meantime, we're all waiting for spring to walk into the room and go "Box!," and I know it's going to happen, because on Saturday we got our first taste of it:


Title: "Angler on bank of Hudson, catching boot."
Photographer: Wildcat Rock Machine

Spring fever manifests itself differently in all cyclists.  Personally, I like to tinker, which means I inevitably pick one bike to be the victim of some sort of cruel makeover.  See, every cyclist should have at least one makeover bike--you know, a bike that gets completely reinvented every year yet remains consistently ugly.  So, with my spare parts closet overflowing and my loins bursting with vernal exuberance, I descended into the basement, and it was there that a new bicycle of unparalleled ugliness was born: 


(Still needs an Allo.)

I call it...[cue dripping letters]...Son of Scattante:


("Original Scattante," R.I.P.)

An unholy hybrid of my erstwhile Scattante and the Ironic Orange Julius Bike, Son of Scattante rides like exactly the Scattante, it serves exactly the same purpose as the Scattante (no-shits-given city runabout), and it even has most of the parts from the Scattante (save for the frame, obviously, which I donated), yet somehow it is far, far uglier--and the Scattante was no beauty queen herself:


(Beagles recoiling in horror.)

But at least the Scattante had a sort of monochromatic utilitarian elegance, whereas Son of Scattante just looks like the illegitimate offspring of an ill-fitting Rivendell and a department store mountain bike.  Even so, I'll be riding it from Alaska to Florida next month, and I'd appreciate if you'd make a donation.

Lastly, I have no context for this video whatsoever:

)

Nevertheless, I found it oddly moving.

113 comments:

Anonymous said...

poder

Anonymous said...

You will always be BikeSnotNYC to me from now on.

streepo said...

scranus

McFly said...

Hi. I'm Lou Philerman...I'm new here.

Anonymous said...

Podium 2nd!

Makeout said...

Get nothing & like it.

Anonymous said...

Top X?

le Correcteur said...

from 9 of the top ten to one of the top nine (that's a chiasmus, suckers); how the mighty have fallen.

Look upon my despair, you mighty, and work!

Astroluc said...

top ten... still getting my legs back after the eterni-Winter

JB said...

ten, and waiting to move up after the doping results come in.

The Apostrophenazi said...

* no other mount-speakers

Anonymous said...

Bitterest of the Bitter Strangers here.

Go get your filthy money elsewhere sonny!

March, Out like a Lion said...

Lucky 13 on the 13th

Anonymous said...

I like that your scranus has managed to wear a hole in the saddle...but just the tip.

Anonymous said...

"Bitter strangers who hate their jobs" - Nailed it.

mikeweb said...

That Joaquin Phoenix dude in that weird movie could've used an Allo.

DB said...

I volunteer to get the eggs for Benjy's Mom.

mikeweb said...

My favorite part of the Allo video is when Benjis Mom calls.

And yes, probably for the reason you're all thinking.

mikeweb said...

Yes DB, great minds...

Buffalo Bill said...

Interesting hill climbing technique.

the Jimboner said...

fuck it

Blog Drafter said...

"Angler on bank of Hudson, catching boot."

I had to read that twice and then I was snorting at work again. And I'm not even bitter about it.

I was just looking at the CanNotHelpButFail this morning, wondering how to breath life into that old beast. Ironic, or irenic, I'm not sure which.

www.onegirltwowheels.co.uk said...

I get on my bike to avoid talking to my mum. Great, now with the fucking Ollo, I get to listen to someone else chat to their mother, which is infinitely more annoying...

Anonymous said...

Boombotix has a wearable speaker that's been out for awhile. Oh, and I'm not bitter at all and I resent you for that statement.

McFly said...

Daaaayyuum I will be happy to help out Benji's mom with her eggzzzzzz....

Mrs. Miller said...

C'mon guys I am 49 and my eggs are no longer fertile.

But you can still polinate my flower. I will send Benji to the store and sneak you in the back. No not THAT back...

Anonymous said...

LOL.

Tiny speakers are stupid. Why not just hum if you care so little about fidelity.

If your music sounds ok on a crap stereo then you're music is likely crap.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

No sprunging of spring here.

Anonymous said...

I have to say you really did a nice job with the son of scattante. The only thing I'm having trouble with is the combination of the comfort handlebars and the highend stem. but now your IOJ is even more ironic. I've pimped out my scattante americano over the years. the only remaining original parts are the bottom bracket, frame, fork and rear brake. everything else replaced, which is ridiculous on a bike that orginally cost $300. but that is what bike dorks do, glad I'm not alone. Just purchased a sweet Williams system 30 wheelset for my Giant Defy. Again, completely ridiculous. And my wife thinks I'm an idiot.

Anonymous said...

Bike conversions to new purposes are fun, but that frame - so utilitarian - so UGLY!!! What is the weird rear seat-stay deal? The color combo is painful. Get out some random spray paint -- it cannot look worse. I recommend rustoleum metalic gold. Don't forget the spokes. The front fork. bulletproof, but alas, no fork crown. The only solution is more stickers. For twice the fun, add a chain tensioner plus a front derailleur for a 2 speed.

BamaPhred said...

First I read "loins bursting with vernal exuberance" and snorted, then "illegitimate offspring of an ill-fitting Rivendell and a department store mountain bike"

I'm stealing Gold, Snob, Gold for the day.

That is one fugly mofo. And I like it.

Its a "sickle llansfe"

Anonymous said...

I don't think your venal exuberance bike is particularly ugly, Snobby. The mismatching stem/handlebars are a little spiritually abrasive and the pedals are about as subtle and attractive as dog balls, but other than that, it's fine.

I particularly like the saddle weathering. Thematically and stylistically it's a masterful expression which seamlessly blends itself into the venal exuberance's overriding leitmotif.

On a technical note, the rack tilts too far forward. Such mediocrity is overlooked in some quarters, but an outfit as prestigious as BSNYC should strive for something better.

Of all the ensembles you've inflicted on us in recent weeks, this is one of the less offensive ones.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Hey bikesnot nice pic of "Angler on bank of Hudson, catching boot.".

I was watching tv the other day and I saw these old guys sailing vintage sail-ski things out on the Hudson. When it was frozen of course. They restore them and get them back out on the ice. One of them was like 80 years old or something. The boat not the old guys.

14 degrees American here. I rode the car I own today.

Anonymous said...

Evolution of the Ironic Orange Julius bike, pre and post, 17 mini snobs running around puking/pooping on stuff.

"O.G." IOJ bike

Snob is running matching full fenders.
He is rubbing a "drink beer, ride bikes, go fuck yourself" sticker.
He does not know how to adjust his front cantilever brake properly. He does not care about matching front and rear brakes.
He is rubbing a narrow, hard racing saddle, at a jaunty, upward angle, advertising his virility on confidence in his erections.
He is rocking moustache bars and a rear rack, for irony.

IOJ with child, but holding onto racy pretense
What has changed?

Filth propelactic instead of full fenders.

Saddle has been replaced with a wider, heavier seat, nosed down, slightly. This is not quite as bad as a junk saver "dildo hole" seat, but does advertise a growing concern for prostate health and E.D.

The "drink beer, go fuck yourself" sticker has been removed".

Baby V-brakes. They match. However, now the wheels don't match.

Sheldon Brown edition IOJB
Northroad bars and EVEN longer boner stem.
ergo grips.
Fancy, new rolls has been ditched for scuffed turbo.
Full size V-brakes.

Full assortment of Fred accessories.
Rack.
Full Fenders.
Bell. Right there you have met the if/than rule for kickstand acceptability.

Worst of all, you have the superfluous bottle opener. Total admission of failure as a drinker of mechanical aptitude.

Anonymous said...

Bike would look a lot better if you rattle canned that fork black.

bitter strangers killing time at the jobs they hate said...

Anal

BamaPhred said...

D-Rab and D-Ephron just called. One just screamed "My eyes, my eyes" and the other one muttered "It's blue, and it's begriming my neighborhood."
Keep it up, BikeSnot, the world needs more of this.

Is it "culmss yet?"

Anonymous said...

I can pinpoint EXACTLY when my boner started. 1:12 in the ALLO Kickstarter.

Anonymous said...

Those beagles? Are they used to lock that bike?

I note the lurid pink cable is not attached to bike at all, but the beagles' leashes go through the bike's front triangle making the theft of the bike all but impossible.

Ingenious, but how do carry the Locking Dogs? Panniers?

Anonymous said...

ALLO ALLO...Benji's mom is a babe !

CommieCanuck said...

That dude lost his cool way before that hill with that neo-mullet haircut.

AYHSMSR -snot rocket.

CommieCanuck said...

Yo..Allo guy, what happens when it rains on your iPhone? And, let's start a company making a product for one and only one brand of smartphone because that's the only phone they could find.
And you need Apple maps to find your way around your own neighbourhood?
Even Sir Donald Trump, climatologist, would consider this stupid.

wishiwasmerckx said...

"Son of Scattante rides like exactly the Scattante." = "Son of Scattante rides exactly like the Scattante."

Also, every time I see the cameltoe on that "Just Kidding" broad, I spout wood.

JLRB said...

First off, I hate when I hear other peep's music, even if I like it

Second off, add a back up battery to the OLLO little boy cause the GPS drains hell out the smartz phone on any bucolic ride

Third, I refuse to contribute because it is cold here and his commute to school involves palm trees

Fourth

babble on said...

Er... that's not spring you're smelling on his fingers, honey.

Anonymous said...

I'd rather buy what Ms. Babble is selling on her blog !!

vsk

Anonymous said...

Wo ! Super synchronicity!

vsk

DB said...

Commie:
Looks like Benji lives in Southern California and it doesn't rain there anymore, so he doesn't need to worry about crapping out his phone.

RoadQueen said...

The most offensive thing about your new creation, is that fork. I don't mind the rest of it, actually.

Except the whole thing would look way better if it were Hot Pink.

But that's just me and my unimportant opinion.

Also, thank you for the LL Cool J. He is my favorite, FAVORITE man of color on the planet. Mmmm....

.....what were we talking about again? Oh, right. Nice work on the Fugly Bike - you NAILED it!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...by the time bnji got to the store after setting up his music and routed his map, i had already baked muffins with the eggs i got for his mom. i did it on a fixie... it's a zen thing.

Scrambeled Eggs said...

Please release me

McFly said...

I used to date a girl with mismatched blue eyes like S.O.S. She also had a nice rack. And liked to be ridden leisurely. At different speeds, though.

CommieCanuck said...

ALLO need a celebrity endorsement from Eric Cartman.

Salty and Sore said...

...Smells Like Children

Anonymous said...

WCRM - So much for your theory that cyclists never kill anybody:

http://timesofsandiego.com/crime/2014/03/12/gunman-bicycle-fatally-shoots-victim-vehicle-city-heights/

GraySpoke said...

Ollo dude can't figure out how to mount a seat bag

grog said...

I'm sorry, what where you saying?

Darren Sharper said...

Dear RoadQueen,

We should get together sometime and have a few drinks.

Anonymous said...

bug out bike with AR15 mount

Anonymous said...

Have you old dooders not seen those little bluetooth speakers the size of a PBR tall can that BUMP HARD?
They fit in a bottle cage, and are more than loud enough to hear a half block away.

Can Music Start a Party Anywhere?

Salty and Sore said...

Haters be hatin...

Son of Scattante is a lovely homage to every bike ever stolen.

Besides, it's not what he looks like; it's how he rides that's most important.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like Benji lubed his chain before going to get eggs. Did his mom call and say "Benji, I can hear you squeaking from home. We live in California where it never rains. Oil your fucking chain!"

anon e. mouse said...

the allo kid's mom looks hot

Anonymous said...

Thirteen or fifteen inch beagles? We need to determine if there's any goofy beagle effect going on.

Fred of the Sea said...

Just don't pull OMW's icy finger and maybe we won't get any more frozen sharts.

DB said...

We need to get Bloc Boi to help Benji come up with a more urban bike sound system.

Anonymous said...

http://instagram.com/p/lY82yJGyzY/

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...Sir Snot,

...despite your hatred of portable loud(ish) music on the bicycle and the distracting aspects of such devices, are you endorsing benji because perhaps he reminds you of your younger self? you know, with your love of music and bikes as a teenager, etc.

(or perhaps you want to curry favors with benji's mom? )

RoadQueen said...

Dear Darren Sharper,

......nah.

Roille Figners said...

Well I mean, you do sort of leverage toilet paper. Like if wiping with your hand is this effective but using TP is 10X more effective than that, voila: leverage.

But I draw the line at leveraging Kickstarter as a lauchpad (pron. lowkh-pod) because that is the epitome of something or whatnot.

Anonymous said...

if you’ve ever wondered how many ways you can open a man soda with a bicycle, this video should answer all your questions!

ge said...

I clicked on the comments today just to read comments on Benji's mom. I was not disappointed.

morecommentsonbenjismomorimafuckinkillya

I knew she was too hot to be his girlfriend - sorry Benji.

Freddy Murcks said...

You can't lose what you never had.

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

Spring? That was in January... now we are up to 75 degrees out here in the Bay Area - digging out the lightweight shirt for my afternoon spin. Sorry guys...

Roille - have you ever tried with a goose's neck? You can ask this guy about it.

Bryan said...

Sir Snot-A-Lot
Your Son of Scattante looks amazeballs. Seriously, I would steal it. Okay, I wouldn't, but it isn't due to lack of looks, just that I am not very into stealing things.
Anon @ 14:42 - Well well, maybe motorists will actually start fearing cyclists a bit. I'm sure if that happened here in SC, or in FL (and ifthe races were switched), he could probably have gotten away with it due to Stand Your Ground.
Anyhow folks, happy Thursday. Don't go sticking a seat post up your butt...unless you're into that kind of thing - and there better be some pictures to prove it if it is.

Anonymous said...

The other reason to hate the Allo is the premature end of life to your iphoning device.

The electrobits get sad and die when shocked through the hard plastics Allo mount.

The ONLY PROPER WAY to ride with the audio speakers and electro devices is like this.

JLRB said...

All you west coasties bragging about your nice weather suck my freezing cold balls

and be sure to only fill your water bottle half way

Benji's Mom said...

You guys are so silly. I am just an old woman. Who hasn't had her pussy licked since 1997. Because Benjis dad is a selfish asshole. Now THERE'S an idea for a kickstarter.

Fred of the Sea said...

I finally watched the ALLO vid. I would so totally blast Die Walküre on my morning commute, if I had one. Fortunately for all concerned (except the kidpreneur), I'd rather have scrub typhus.

The misuse of "leverage" and "parameter", to pick just two particularly horrible examples, should be punished by the pillory.

JB said...

Way to go Hamilton!

Regular guy said...

So, I wasn't going to watch the Benji video, then I read some comments about his mom being hot. I agreed until she started screeching like a harpy over that blasted "invention" of his. I'll need to meet her in person.

Favourite part of the allo vid was when the kid riding sans-allo is nearly T-boned by the white car that was obviously planning to run the stop sign. Proves that people who drive cars are not only bad at it, but are total jerks.

And what's with Benji claiming to be a "teen bike enthusiast"? What makes his bike a "teen bike"?

This is what I call a teen bike enthusiast.


Regular guy said...

Hey Fred of the sea, if you had what, an allo or a morning commute?

McFly said...

I thought we had all agreed that Wet One's provided superior fecal removal. TP is for caveman with dirty bungholes.

Fred of the Sea said...

Regular guy, I caught that ambiguity right after I pulled the trigger. ALLO; I have a morning commute.

...and McFly, with a wet one you can clean your groin and scrano-perineal area, then your grommet, centripetally, and leave the head feeling fresh as last month's daisy.

Jackson's Hole said...

Thank you for revealing the identity of your German cohort. Please don't tell me you are in love with that guy just because he does a great Lance Armstrong imitation, you've got to be the shallowest person in the Big Apple, and that's saying a little.

Grump said...

Spring fever manifests itself in the first criterium of Spring, when the day's high will be 25 degrees.
.
.

Anonymous said...

You're double fired. You have 10 minutes to clear out your desk before security escorts you out of the building.

Anonymous said...

Good luck kid, we're all counting on you.

ouabacher said...

Amazed at the details peoples observe on ones bike. When I'm to "check out" someone's bike, I walk around it thoughtfully rubbing my chin going, "hmmmmm.... uhhu... interesting choice." In my head, I'm thinking, "Blame it on the rain that's falling....". I just don't care about yer damn bike....unless your giving it to me.

McFly said...

I can never revert to dry rub. With ribs or anususususususus.

ge said...

Wow, the diversity of blogular comments here. More anal info than anyone wanted to know and then I'm learning that Die Walküre isn't a South African rap-rave band. Top it off with a BMX riding cop and my brain is full. Good night

Anonymous said...

What happened to the Fagganin'(sp!) make-over you mentioned weeks back?

Anonymous said...

Did you just, did you really just?
"Son of Scattante rides like exactly the Scattante" Oh and by the way, I am a robot.

JLRB said...

The reddest face ever Ford on Chow

I wonder if he will eat her too

Elephant Man said...

Dear God and Jesus! That Hell-spawn of a freak show two wheeled thing you've created should never have seen the light of day. Oh God! My Eyes! Some one please help me to erase the horrific image that's been seared into my retinas. Pitchforks and torches for the townsfolk as they rise up against Frankenbike!

Nacnud said...

Can I get dedicated gravel beagles? In metric?

I don't hate my job. I endure it.

leroy said...

My dog had a friend named Benji. He was in movies.

But he wouldn't use kickstarter as a louche pad.

leroy said...

98....

leroy said...

99...

wishiwasmerckx said...

8===D ~ ~ ~

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and 100th!

McFly said...

Double-Beagles are the harbingers of furious shin humping and lil' piles of terds.

Anonymous said...

8====D- - - - -

Mine is bigger, and it shoots further.

Untermeyer said...

Son of Scattante sounds like a name that might just be co-opted by New York's next serial killer. Just sayin.

JB said...

Steve Tilford liked the cold water out of the faucet at the Starbucks in Lawrence. Also, hard-boiled eggs.

Anonymous said...

Ol' Man Winter has enough time to drag his icy digits across your scranus once more this year. Hopefully it will not turn your balls blue.

JLRB said...

And more on the kickstarter front - I actually have thought a product like these would be a good idea but now that I see it on kickstarter I am ambivalent

If you preorder something on kickstarter do they take your cash even if they never produce? (sure I could read the fine print myself but wtf)

ge said...

Untermeyer, or more acurately, co-opted by the media.

RoadQueen said...

Must have had a resurgence of the explosive vomiting today.

A J said...

is there going to be a Friday blog? I'd like to be first.

thanks

L.L. Cool J said...

RQ,
What what in the butt?

Love, LL

ps. LL stands for Labia Licker

Pink Canoe said...

Row Row Row (you know the rest)

Anonymous said...

I was expecting nice soft nahbs porn and we get slasher scattante porn instead.

WCRM, aren't you supposed to be in Charlotte?