Secondly, I suppose at this point I have to mention this, to which many people have alerted me:
(I'd have called it the "Minotaur.")
I assume it's a joke, but just in case it's not, my favorite selling point was this one:
The Kilimanjaro has suspension in front for better cornering performance on the road
Right. Because the road is exactly where I'd use a two-headed 29er with the ass of a fat bike.
Here's another selling point (assuming you haven't already ordered three, because no stable/quiver/velo-menagerie is complete without one of these):
29” front wheels overcome obstacles up to 6” tall at crawl speed.
Six inches? I really hope that's a Spinal Tap-esque typo and they mean six feet, because six inches is basically a curb. I suck pretty hard at the riding of bicycles, but I don't think there's a bike made that I couldn't manage to ride up onto a curb. Come to think of it, my kid can also get his bike up onto a curb (he puts his feet down to do it, but whatever), and not only does it have only one front wheel, but the wheel is only 12". (Then again, he does have my incredible cycling DNA, which is even more mutated than that bicycle, so there you go.)
The one advantage I do see to this design is that if a small animal were to get trapped in between the front wheels the rotor would slice it up like bologna--you know, if you're into that. And speaking of small animals, here's dramatic video of the dog that chased me yesterday:
I hope you didn't fall off the edge of your seat. And no, I don't advocate slicing up small dogs like luncheon meat, so just relax.
By the way, further to yesterday's post, a number of people weighed in on the occasionally fraught issue of human/canine relations, though by far the most useful insight came from "Vlad" of Bucharest, whose advice included the following:
4. Unfortunately, not all dogs are so easily daunted, especially when they attack in packs. They remember their wolf instincts, and they surround you and come at you simultaneously from your flanks, while some of their team mates cut you off from the front. It is always useful to carry a big raw beefsteak with you. It is counter intuitive, since beefsteaks are also liable to attract packs of hungry dogs, but since they will find you anyway, the dilemma is moot. Throw the steak not too far, and watch them tear each other apart trying to get a piece of it. It is also a useful way to find out who the alpha dog is. If you manage to get the alpha dog and engage in coitus with it while it sits in a submissive position, then do the same with all it's wives, then YOU become the alpha male and the pack is yours, they will follow you and hunt with you wherever you ride your bike. Coitus with alpha dogs is unfortunately prohibited by Romanian law, but they can't prosecute you based solely on the fact that you carry around a pack of dogs everywhere you go, they have to catch you in the act.
Makes sense to me! I will try it and report back.
Lastly, someone tweeted this at me recently:
@bikesnobnyc Check out this expert bike fitting session. (scranus joke) pic.twitter.com/aPDJ3EpwMmBike fittings are perhaps the most lucrative con going in the cycling industry, and it's a well-known fact that the more ridiculous props with which you beguile the unwitting Fred, the bigger your "take:"
— James Garside (@gnarside) March 28, 2014
(Once the Fred has his helment on backwards he's putty in your hands.)
I'm actually going to start carrying a human spine around on my rides. Could be useful for distracting large packs of dogs.
Have a good weekend, ride safe, and be careful when asserting dominance over aggressive alpha dogs.
See you Monday,
--Wildcat Rock Machine