Friday, March 28, 2014

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz...SIKE! [Withdraws hand quickly and mimes running it through hair.]

Firstly, today's post must needs be uncharacteristically short, for which I apologize, unless you're relieved, in which case you're welcome.  Either way, I will return on Monday with my usual volume of tedious bloviation.

Secondly, I suppose at this point I have to mention this, to which many people have alerted me:


(I'd have called it the "Minotaur.")

I assume it's a joke, but just in case it's not, my favorite selling point was this one:

The Kilimanjaro has suspension in front for better cornering performance on the road

Right.  Because the road is exactly where I'd use a two-headed 29er with the ass of a fat bike.

Here's another selling point (assuming you haven't already ordered three, because no stable/quiver/velo-menagerie is complete without one of these):

29” front wheels overcome obstacles up to 6” tall at crawl speed.

Six inches?  I really hope that's a Spinal Tap-esque typo and they mean six feet, because six inches is basically a curb.  I suck pretty hard at the riding of bicycles, but I don't think there's a bike made that I couldn't manage to ride up onto a curb.  Come to think of it, my kid can also get his bike up onto a curb (he puts his feet down to do it, but whatever), and not only does it have only one front wheel, but the wheel is only 12".  (Then again, he does have my incredible cycling DNA, which is even more mutated than that bicycle, so there you go.)

The one advantage I do see to this design is that if a small animal were to get trapped in between the front wheels the rotor would slice it up like bologna--you know, if you're into that. And speaking of small animals, here's dramatic video of the dog that chased me yesterday:



I hope you didn't fall off the edge of your seat.  And no, I don't advocate slicing up small dogs like luncheon meat, so just relax.

By the way, further to yesterday's post, a number of people weighed in on the occasionally fraught issue of human/canine relations, though by far the most useful insight came from "Vlad" of Bucharest, whose advice included the following:

4. Unfortunately, not all dogs are so easily daunted, especially when they attack in packs. They remember their wolf instincts, and they surround you and come at you simultaneously from your flanks, while some of their team mates cut you off from the front. It is always useful to carry a big raw beefsteak with you. It is counter intuitive, since beefsteaks are also liable to attract packs of hungry dogs, but since they will find you anyway, the dilemma is moot. Throw the steak not too far, and watch them tear each other apart trying to get a piece of it. It is also a useful way to find out who the alpha dog is. If you manage to get the alpha dog and engage in coitus with it while it sits in a submissive position, then do the same with all it's wives, then YOU become the alpha male and the pack is yours, they will follow you and hunt with you wherever you ride your bike. Coitus with alpha dogs is unfortunately prohibited by Romanian law, but they can't prosecute you based solely on the fact that you carry around a pack of dogs everywhere you go, they have to catch you in the act. 

Makes sense to me!  I will try it and report back.

Lastly, someone tweeted this at me recently:
Bike fittings are perhaps the most lucrative con going in the cycling industry, and it's a well-known fact that the more ridiculous props with which you beguile the unwitting Fred, the bigger your "take:"


(Once the Fred has his helment on backwards he's putty in your hands.)

I'm actually going to start carrying a human spine around on my rides.  Could be useful for distracting large packs of dogs.

Have a good weekend, ride safe, and be careful when asserting dominance over aggressive alpha dogs.

See you Monday,



--Wildcat Rock Machine


119 comments:

Anonymous said...

1st!!!!!!!!!!

Aaron Tsuru said...

Podium? Feels early. Did I take a wrong turn?

Anonymous said...

Second.. at least pod-e-ooooo...

Early to sleep early to rise yada yada yads

Anonymous said...

dopium

Anonymous said...

And I thought helmets are the biggest bicycling scam.

Speaking of packs.

I'm in the front pack, looks like I gotta mount a few other Anons for the top spot. Where's my steak?

DB said...

Whoa!
Snob has things to do today.

Billy said...

Early doors!

Anonymous said...

Top ¹0st!?

mikeweb said...

2 early.

McFly said...

You had me at "better cornering"......

DB said...

Dramatic video, indeed.
Off to check on my 88 year old father. Gotta make sure he's showered this month.

RoadQueen said...

Top twenty - WTF, dude? I haven't had my 4th cup of coffee yet!

mikeweb said...

'Kudos' to you Wildcat. That was a Chavendish level burst of speed to escape the attacking canine.

And about the whole coitus with the Alpha dog thing: I think Vlad has been watching too many 'Oz' reruns.

Rusty Red said...

Top 20? Yaa for Big Wheels for adults!

DB said...

The old farts ride three wheeled motorcycles, I guess it was just a matter of time before someone decided old Freds needed three wheels.

Anonymous said...

Early riser!

vsk

JB said...

6" is actually standard curb height. Good job.

BamaPhred said...

Yikes, way to get those sweat pants on and crank out a blogulation.

I'm going to reserve suggestion #4 for really desperate times, like when the pepper spray is empty and I have soiled myself, but the whole Vlad post was hilarious.

Mulţumesc mult, at least that's what a quickie web search says Thank You is in Romanian.

Anonymous said...

Top XX

art outume

dancesonpedal said...

jesus h christ on a ritz cracker...on a week when you don't have the shits i expect you to produce a fucking quiz. go back to your computer & write something funny. with a little snark. wildcat rock machine my ass... it's more like wildcat 'i'm-too-fucking-lame-to-produce-a-quiz' machine...so post before 11 and head off to CT until monday...ooh it makes me so mad

wishiwasmerckx said...

Wow, I am a huge helmet supporter, but even I would not wear one while the bike is in the maws of an upright trainer. That is unless NASA has warned of satellite debris expected to survive burn-up on atmospheric reentry.

Anonymous said...

"I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem *may* have been, that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being crushed by a dwarf. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object."

ce said...

Vlad the Improper Advice Availer

Alena Mauer said...

My husband and I love to go biking. We usually go mountain biking. Even though it is intense it is still relaxing. We really enjoy it,it's a fun time together.

Alena | http://www.cycling-republic.com

Jasper said...

Early doors spam

DB said...

dancesonpedal for early comment of the day.

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

Mikeweb/CD/JLRB, carrying over from yesterday- yay for riding the north bay. Mikeweb, Paradise Drive is lovely for the hill-averse, but I tend to only do it when it's raining - were you there with bgw by chance? Down Calistoga way, nothing better than the big old climb oer the 29 and sweeping down to Middletown, woo-hoo speed likely, then back via Butts Canyon, Pope Valley (don't miss the Hubcap Ranch) and down via Angwin.

Anonymous said...

You precipitated the entire doggie event by failing to scream "on your left" as you approached the pack.

BamaPhred said...

Really, DOP, don't hold back. Tell us how you really feel.

And that's no bike fitting session. Clearly, it is a red herring to hide the reality; the rider is being fitted for an exoskeleton

Strum said...

you forgot this bad boy:
http://riderungu.com/juggernaut/

Babble and Rob Ford together on one bike said...

Beefsteak? No, I'm thinking if I buy a tandem and have Babble riding on it with me, I won't need a beefsteak. Although I suppose it's possible the Alpha Dog's wives might still go after me instead of Babble. A triple seater adding Rob Ford might take care of that, what with him wanting to do all that eating stuff, I'm sure all the Alpha Dog's wives will want some of that action.

commentatorbot_92734 said...

what I love about the minotaur is how the handlebars are not linked.

Turning would be uhhh.... Interesting?

JB said...

Handlebars are linked, with a linkage. I noticed that the video on the website doesn't now show any cornering; just riding up steps and on sand.

Killer Mangiaro said...

Talk about yer goofy tiller. This one's tandem'd up like a beach cat.

commentatorbot_09374 said...

Abandon that comment...

http://riderungu.com/juggernaut/

It shows the handlebar linkage

I love how they don't even bother filling the heat holes on the tubes connecting the steerer tubes.

They claim an ability to install an "overhead rack."


The site is a jumbled mess of lifestyle branding. Break new ground. Take your board. Take my board. Where? Overhead? What kind of board? 4x8 ply sheets?

Another bike as useful and interesting as a two-headed snake. It would look good next to the eliptigo and recumbent.

Mericuh's meritocracy in action!!!!

mikeweb said...

LF @ 11:19,

Correct. Someday I'd love to get back there and do some hillier stuff too.

Nigel Tuffnel said...

Spread those wheels out and you could do some sick freestyle bar spins.
I have a stonehenge monument is in danger of being trampled by dwarves. But I can clear it with my Juggernaut.

V.I.L from Moscow said...

but have you seen THIS, Comrade Snob....
http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/cycle-cause-a-ride-to-save-malnourished-children

Jam Master Cray said...

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK dogs.

Anonymous said...

How does that double-front-wheeled- abomination corner? How do you lean into a corner? Take a corner at speed and I bet you go flying sideways on your head.

ken e. said...

FUKN RAIN

CommieCanuck said...

wha.. no firday fun quiz?

It seems the mountain bike industry is just more and more dedicated to making bikes heavier, i.e. forks on fat bikes...which negates the need for a fat tire...which means uh, it just goes around in circles until you throw up your hands and buy a Walmart bike from the People's Republic.
I fill my fatbike tires with water and fill the frame with lead shot and have a gravity-enhanced downhill bike (with superlight crabon bars). In Canada, it's known as "semi-Rob Fording" your bike. "Full Rob Fording" is riding that bike downhill on crack at woo hoo speed.

SEMI FORD
FULL FORD

CommieCanuck said...

My Stonehedge moment is the discovery of my foil-wrapped cucumber in my chamois.
It's not what you think, I hate really cold cucumber. Actually, it's exactly what you think.

CommieCanuck said...

We'll have to crowd source cowboy this quiz:

Question 1: BMW Motorcycles are so awesome they will give you a two year erection.

True

or

False

Roille Figners said...

Dammit: rickrolled

Fred of the Sea said...

So the Bmer seat is ridged, as in "sharked"? Traumatic priapism--it's been reported. Lawsuit waiting to happen.

CommieCanuck said...

Question 2: Robs Fords is still 12 times a fat fuck.

True

or

False

Roille Figners said...

Yeah so do I gather that the argument for having two front wheels consists at this time solely of "it's for stability?" Hmmm.

But you'll need those 29" wheels to creep over that 6" obstacle, because there's no way in hell you're popp- sorry: doing a poppa-wheelie, to get on top of it with all that front-end bulk. Also it would be no good for overblown canine dominance displays.

Really bitches, you think a lone dog is any match for a six-foot ape that can throw things, wield tools, and squeeze shit (throats) with opposable thumbs?

LOL'd at the dog footage. *sigh, terriers* The owner was probably just taking advantage of the opportunity to tire that lil' muh fugga out so that he'll nap later.

babble on said...

RF - it has to be about stability, cause if you lean left it will probably steer right. What a crazy-arsed design THAT one is.

Here you go, peeps: Kisses!!

Anonymous said...

pitiful

CommieCanuck said...

Meh, you want stability, get an SUV and marry an ugly spouse with money.

ge said...

blahblahblah WILDCAT FOILS CANINE CARNAGE! blahblahblah.

What you have there is the common Rattle Terrier (canus annoius anklebitus). They're specifically bred to kill rattle snakes and this one homed in on your particularly loud hub. I'd recommend soft pedalling next time.

Interesting trivia: the Rattle Terrier is wholy responsible for Shimano's market dominance as they have collectively weeded out the majority of Campy owners and are in the process of killing off the SRAM brand.

Anonymous said...

Love the rob fords is 12 times a fat fuck video. What a nut.

CommieCanuck said...

the Rattle Terrier is wholy responsible for Shimano's market dominance as they have collectively weeded out the majority of Campy owners and are in the process of killing off the SRAM brand

These terriers can complete a basic engineering degree and have infiltrated the SRAM hydraulic breaks design centre.

Regular guy said...

And Snobby the Wildcat wins the Dog Prime!

dancesonpedals said...

Question 3: Gravel bikes are da bomb:

YES

NO..NO..NONONO.NO

Fre Unchio said...

I've been carrying around a dessicated elk carcass on my back in the event I'm involved in a dog prime with a pack of eastern European feral dogs. Haven't had to use it yet, as most dogs around here are either on a leash, or "Lone Wolf" strays.

However, now I know why my bike just doesn't seem to fit me. I've been using an elk carcass, they don't ride bikes the way we humans do. I need me a human carcass like that bike fitter dude.

Anonymous said...

I'm buying stock in BMW

Aaronandthedogs said...

There's a bicyclist. I wonder if he'll stop.
"Hey mister. Please stop! Can I live with you? Please!
FOR THE LOVE OF DOG PLEASE HELP ME!"
He didn't stop. They never stop. I have to go back to the Monster.
I can't continue living like this.
Maybe the next one will stop. Maybe the next one will save me. Dog, I hope so.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Ok see you on Monday for more tedious bloviation.

Anonymous said...

Zip car may just save the bike messengeringers from extinction:

Yes

No

Anonymous said...

Yes:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itePNuLecSY

Anonymous said...

No:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPTu2F450sk

BamaPhred said...

Nono no no no nonononono
Nobody can slam bikes like I do
Nobody can get bit like I do
Nobody can drop mutts like I do
Nobody can ditch the quiz like I do
Nobody can shirk work like I do
Nononononononobody, nobody, Nobody, nobody etc, etc

I wonder who it could be?

I get to to do this cause I bought the record, wore it out, and used it for a frisbee.

leroy said...

Been calling my dog the Alfalfa male all morning.

He hates that.

Ride safe all.

Roille Figners said...

#5: What is this?

A) The penis of an STD-afflicted manatee

B) An exotic artisanal side-project of Murray the Chamferer

C) An example of theft-proofing by looking shitty

D) What D-Rab meant by "begriming"

ge said...

Zipcar: enabling people everywhere who would otherwise never have the opportunity to showcase their nonexistent driving skills. Yeah, that'll save bike messengers.

babble on said...

Leroy - ++ :D
Ride joyfully, dooders. xo
Roille - golf claps... thanks for the links! Well, 'cept for the one to that cranky blueball bitch. May not be suitable for Friday afternoon vewing.

Which snobberdooder post had the first gofuckyourselfie in it? I can't find it. Credit where credit is due, n'all that...

Anonymous said...

did #4 suggestion come from Vlad the Impaler?

db said...

The Vlad-Borat collabo is gonna be epic.... except for the dogs.
.

flyover BC said...

That was a fat, lazy, little dog. He wasn't chasing you. He was "fred pacing", just to get a little more exercise out of the daily walk.



that izedpend

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your great post! don miss to check my m0neymakingside http://bit.ly/P0mUG1

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Roille -nice find on that Rachel Flowers keyboards. Amazing.

Alena Fuckenmauer said...

My husband and I love to go boinking. We usually go mountain boinking. Even though it is intense it is still relaxing. We really enjoy it,it's a fun time together.

Alena | http://www.boink-republic.com

Anonymous said...

At first I thought the Kilimanjaro was the world's stupidest bike. But then I checked the specs and saw that it weighs over 53lbs. This may just be the bike I've always been searching for!

Vlad said...

It is truly a great joy to be quoted in your post, dear Bikesnobnyc from Dubrovnyc. I've been a fan for sometime now, so it's a dream come true. BTW, Vlad is my real name, it's common in these parts. I still have a lot of fun facts and practical cycling advice, so thanks for letting me share it in your "comment" section! I know, for instance, how to use an empty plastic bottle as a fender system, and many other things.

Anonymous said...

That dog wolf comment was just gross. Go write for South Park or something.

Anonymous said...

At first, I thought the Kilimanjaro was the stupidest and most irrelevant thing I'd ever seen. But then I saw babbles blog.

Fucktard said...

Brother, we think alike!

Killthemanjaro said...

Lugging a 53 lb 3 wheeled monstrosity though soft terrain sounds like my idea of cycling hell, but at least you probably wouldn't need a center-stand with that baby.

Anonymous said...

Anon. @ 6:31:
But you read it. She must be doing something right then, to have people read her blog. That's the idea isn't it? Seems to me that you are a follower. Good on Babs. She might be crazy but she's a good read.

Van Wetrider said...

Anon. @ 6:31:
But you read it. She must be doing something right then, to have people read her blog. That's the idea isn't it? Seems to me that you are a follower. Good on Babs. She might be crazy but she's a good read.

Van Wetrider said...

Had to put a name to it.

Anonymous said...

Nah, you're wrong. I saw it, but did not read it. I don't have that kinda time to waste. I waste enough here, being a devout follower of the snob. I clicked on it because it was hyperlinked and plugged in the comments section, as usual. Without that, no one would ever know, or care. Have fun with it.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous @4:27
53 lbs of trike plus rider is probably still not enough to keep from getting blow'd over (and I don't mean in the good way) on a windy beach with a fucking sailboard on an OVERHEAD rack. That portaging scenario staggeringly stooped.

McFly said...

My boy has the mad skillzzz on the beik. I watched ride through a bike rack today. WTF? He always yells out PARCOUR before he does something like that.

babble on said...

My boys both LOVE parkour, but they never yell out BICYCLE before they get into it.

JLRB said...

CD/MW/LF -

Thanks for the Napa area info. Not sure it is going to be worth hauling the bike since it looks like lots of rain while I am there.

I usually would love to torture myself with the climbs, but my fat azz refused to ride indoors or in snow so the shape I am in is better suited for the valley floor.

If only te bullfrog trike came with S&S couplers and full fenders ...

McFly said...

Speaking of running fingers through your hair. Did anyone check out the promo shot of the E3 Harelbeke over on steep hill tv.com? One hot girl holding another hot girl by the hair of the head.......that's not sexist.

Biking the Live Fantastic said...

What you didn't dis David Byrne? You're slippin', B!

dancesonpedals said...

I have learned many interestingt things from babs blog

1) Babs looks good in a rubber suit
2) Babs looks good in a pink raincoat
3) Babs looks good etc.
4) A blog exists dedicated to women with muscular legs (as well there should be)
5)Don't drink red tea
6) You can bike all winter in vancouver
7)Babs wears a helment on the crapper (and can blog at the same time)
8)Babs likes to put more shit than a christmas goose into her cheerios

Thought for the day: If I ever ate that bowl of enhanced cheerios, I'd need a helment and a lamaze coach to drop a deuce.

Anonymous said...

meh

Anonymous said...

Yes the Babble. She pretty. That frame is a dime fo sho. Big Tits would ruin it. Likes to bike. Likes to hump. Deep throat? Check. Back door? Check. I'm sold.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure she's flattered by your comment. Any press is good press!

babble on said...

Thank you thank you thank you and yes, of course I am. Nothing anorexic about this chick, most especailly not my ego.

Plump, and slightly inflated? Check.

Killthemanjar-o... lol! :D Yer funny.

JLRB- I am living proof that you will not melt when you ride in the rain. Not even your ass, most likely... in fact, isn't it surprising just how stubborn a plump round arse can be?!

Vlad. Thank you for reminding me. Courtesy fenders... yes yes yes good idea. I finally caved to winter rims when the forecast showed week after week of relentless rain showers. Including more of them tomorrow!! Nothing, nope nothing is going to keep me indoors tomorrow. I am going to go vroom vroom and it would be kind of me to have courtesy fenders for those fast boys. And kindness counts.

Dearest anonYeowwwwwch- I measure how well I've hit the mark by how immediately and how intensely you engage to deliver your brand of venom. I pray for your healing,dear girl. I hope that your heart grows two sizes one day, so you can know happiness.

Kindness is easy when you remember Love is the law.

Oh!!! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH!

Did you know? Women who have that parasite that you can get from cats, what is it called? Toxoplasmosis? They are kinder and more nurturing on the whole. I heard that on the CBC the other day, on Quirks and Quarks or something. Odd, isn't it? Huh. So I probably have a parasite that changed my essential nature. What a strange thought...

But look at the bright side! This is great news for you!! You can skip the years and years and all of the expense and the investment of your time and energy and effort into deep and meaningful therapy, and just get a cat. :)

JLRB said...

McFLy -

You mean The Bike Made Out Of Girls I Want To Ride ?

Anonymous said...



Helment in the crapper

JLRB said...

Babs - I tried melting my ass in the rain and all I got was a rash.

I ride in the rain a lot (I was "cross training" in a steady rain today - gigging and mixing concerete - long story)- just not sure I want to lug a bike across country to ride unknown roads in the rain. I think there is a bike rental near where I am staying so if the clouds break I will make a break for it.

And ... if you could bottle that parasite there are a few peeps I know that could use a dose

wishiwasmerckx said...

Getting moist

wishiwasmerckx said...

8=D ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ^_^

For Shame said...

Hey there Anon @ 8:24. You gave a pretty scathing opinion for something that you never even read, as usual your arrogance seems to eclipse your intelligence. Bah Ha!

Anonymous said...

I read it. It was ranting, incoherent drivel.

For Shame said...

Ahh... Good for you. Now you can have an opinion.

McFly said...

Yeah thats the one. I really like that saddle.

Anonymous said...

Bike Snob, please comment on the title of this craigslist post:

Nice rod bike good working conditions call 781.346.8007 - $95 (Revere)

URL: http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/bik/4395198698.html

Actually, I'll go ahead and comment myself. First of all, "nice rod" has got to be the best comment you could give a man. "Bike good" just doesn't fit grammatically anyhow, anywhere. "Working conditions," or "good working conditions," sounds like it was pulled from an Upton Sinclair novel.

I'm an English major, and I love bikes. Hence, browsing craigslist hurts my brain.

Anonymous said...

Solution to dog bike problems

Anonymous said...

HOLY FUCKJING SHIT!!! SOMEONE WITH POOR LITERACY SKILLS SELLING AN INEXPENSIVE BIKE ON CRAIGSLIST1

Anonymous said...

http://columbia.craigslist.org/bik/4371396866.html

Anonymous said...

http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/bik/4386183071.html

New old stock travelers check 56 cm

Anonymous said...

Comfy and stuff for racing

Anonymous said...

babble on has the best intentions. She's gold. But I worry about her...not right--I have my own problems.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Snob gets a shout out at the end.
http://gizmodo.com/a-bullshit-free-guide-the-gear-you-need-to-commute-by-b-1552400296

McFly said...

Gents Wigglegems!

ce said...

Wilddog Rape Machine

JB said...

Epic Chainguard

Roille Figners said...

Monday pre-pode, post-scrode

Roille Figners said...

(Scrodium is when you're the first to scratch it in the morning. I win every day...)

Anonymous said...

I BELIEVE THAT SHOULD BE SPELLED PYSCH, RYHMES WITH BIKE!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

CX rules! Well, when ridden by this guy:

http://dirtmountainbike.com/news/akrigg-goes-cyclocross-crazy.html