Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Winter Storm Maximus has kicked us right in the gluteus.

First of all, I wrote a new column for Bicycling magazine, and you can read it here:


That's like a post-within-a-post, which is a device similar to the play-within-a-play you'll find in "Hamlet," which was a movie starring Mel Gibson.  (I went to a college.)  That makes this blog literature, so how you like me now?  (Shakespeare actually coined the expression "How you like me now?"  Shylock says it in "Merchant of Venice" after busting some sort of move.)

Also, I see the Bicycling column has zero (0) comments on it so far, which means you can be the very first person to log on and call me a fatuous douche-wallah.

Speaking of my formidable artistic abilities, having mastered literature I've moved on to landscape photography, and I've quickly mastered that too:


(How you like me now?)

Seriously, it's got water fowl and everything:


If you'd like to make that image your desktop, simply hit CTRL-Open Apple-Alt-Option-Command with the shift lock turned on, and with any luck your computer won't explode or randomly open browser windows full of live pornography videos playing at top volume, resulting in your immediate ejection from the public library.

Also, you'll automatically be charged $15, but that's a small price to pay for looking at a cold bridge that has been rendered aesthetically pleasing by winter storm Maximus, which is what this last snowstorm was actually called, though I understand the makers of the Maximus Enhancement Cobalt Glider are suing for trademark infringement:


I've been running one of these in my PF30 bottom bracket shell along with a ceramic bearing upgrade and I figure I'm saving at least .00003 watts per kilometer.

Speaking of performance enhancement, a reader tells me a clean-cut youth says doping is a thing of the past:


Germany’s Marcel Kittel, a member of Team Giant-Shimano who is here for the Tour of Dubai this weekend, told Gulf News: “The most important thing for us young riders is to show that we are different. We need to show that we are here to fight for our voice and that we do not want to be compared to those riders who have cheated or are cheating. We are ready to fight for our idea of cycling and we want to make clear what we want.”

Yeah, right.  Save it, haircut.  Either this kid is lying, or he's a total dork and the cool kids won't let him come to their doping parties.

Or, even more likely, he's both.

By the way, apparently there's a Tour of Dubai now, which creeps me out in the same way that Bob Dylan Chrysler commercial did.

Meanwhile, closer to the cold, cold grave of the age spectrum, we all know that the hot new trend among middle-aged amateurs is pumping your scranus full of testosterone and then racing cyclocross--and if you're about to slap a patch on your chamois region you might want to think twice, because apparently it can make you have a heart attack:


The most recent study, published in the journal PLoS One and funded by the National Institutes of Health, followed about 56,000 older and middle-aged men. It found that those over 65 had double the rate of heart attacks as did those not taking the testosterone drugs, and that there was a similar increased risk among men under 65 with previous heart disease.

In other words, stick with EPO and ludicrously expensive wheelsets--though Mike Burrows says that, while some wheels can be laterally stiffer than others, they're all equally vertically compliant (or non-compliant):



So if your scranus thinks one set of wheels is smoother than another, apparently it's lying.

Lastly, here's a short news piece about bi-keen in Los Angeles:


And if you needed a reminder why so many drivers suck, here's a guy with a Hyundai who thinks bikes are a problem because he has to open his fucking eyes and pay attention once in awhile:


"Because you always have to make sure you look to the other side because if you're gonna dodge this guy because, um, see you don't wanna do a hit and run?  Um, you can also get into a car crash as a result of that."

Putz.

117 comments:

Anonymous said...

je suis le premier

Anonymous said...

Yes !

Anonymous said...

damn... beaten on the line!

Blog Drafter said...

Swoosh!

Will Evers said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

And why no live link to the Maximus Enhancement Cobalt Glider? It's not going to order itself!

streepo said...

scranus


conclusion vegmat

theEel said...

weed.

ge© said...

I would comment on your Bicycling columns and call you a fatuous douche-wallah, but last time I tried, I had to log in or something and that would imply I care enough about the rest of their magazine to whore out my information to them for a lousy comment. TH;DC - too hard; didn't comment.

DB said...

I have a daughter in Abu Dhabi.
I'll ask her to drive up to Dubai and check out this Harvey Kittel guy out.

Anonymous said...

Oh Nona, Nona, Nona… you have star power!

ge© said...

Oh, and congratulations on finally learning to use your camera you fatuous douche-wallah. No, seriously, nice photo.

Shylock said...

Like ge said, why would I go anywhere else to call you a fatuous douche-wallah?
It's hard enough figuring out the damn captchas

Anonymous said...

I don't need the Maximus Enhancement System, I just cut the end off of my mountain bike grips and slip it on. I affectionately call it "The Rockhopper." The little nubs enhance her pleasure.

Euro Spondee said...

Or, as Mcfly would have it "windows full of live pornography videos playing at top volume, resulting in your immediate ejaculation"

JB said...

DICK TATS

RoadQueen said...

Top Twenty?

Nice pics, Snob.

That is all.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Wildcat Chateau Marmont Machine

the Commentariat said...

I have never had occasion to doubt my own sexuality before, but I find myself strangely attracted to that androgynous Herbie Huff dude/chick.

Thank goodness for the camera cutback to the incredibly fuckable Nona Varnado. She gave ma a Varnado tornado in my pants.

Anonymous said...

Get out the pastels, it's NYC Bike Kincaid. Bet he never painted whilst ridin' a fat bike though.

Yeah Cleveland! 11 degrees Merican and still pedaling said...

Nona or Herbie? Gotta love California Girls.

Spokey said...

of course the FDA gets it wrong as usual (stewpid gummint hacks).

Testosterone isn't the one giving men heart attacks. Recumb babe is (well and of course babs too).




robot says he knew chnoepe before chnoepe checked in for drug rehab.

Adam H. said...

Everyone knows bicycles cause car crashes.

JB said...

Nona's either going to be living in Portland w/i 4 years, or her banker-type significant other forced her to move to LA from Portland.

Beth said...

I'm suddenly overcome with the desire to begin every conversation with the phrase, "Ahoy, fatuous douche-wallah..."

But I'm unlikely to get the chance to address Bob Dylan anytime soon.

le Correcteur said...

Wow, pack fodder. I need to get better positioning for the sprint!
dwingest and

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...a fatuous douche-wallah wrote a column for a bikeen magazine... on the internets.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BamaPhred said...

Fatuous Douche Wallah, I have my Ritalin, Low T cream, and something a guy at the gym said was "The Clear". I purchased $2K of specialty riding kit and a Domane Classics Edition road bike. I hired a domestique to carry all the other stuff the guy at the shop said I needed. Am I ready to go on the LBS group ride?
Scranus

CommieCanuck said...

Everyone knows donut shops cause car crashes.
I two wents to college.

babble on said...

Thanks for the Russian doll. Wow. It must be very satisfying to have mastered so many disciplines, snobbers. Hats off. Did you go to college or something?

My vulvanus never lies, btw. But I do. Raised by lawyers, it comes naturally... in fact, I am tempted to tell you that I always lie, but the paradoxical nature of that little ditty will have my small and dented brain looping all day long.

Wow! Real girls who ride...Sweet! I would oh so definitely take the soul train to Nona's hood.

Spokey said...

nona says "we specifically design each route so that we avoid problem intersections"

so I guess in CA you don't have to obey the same traffic rules as the cars. Apparently stop signs
are not an intersection problem as the bike train blows through a stop sign @ 2:01.

Perhaps that's just CA MV law as @2:32 the train wisely waits for a car to run a red light.




robot says rogues nednbe. he also said he was smarter than leroy's dog. so there.

babble on said...

Spokey, do you really stop at stop signs when there is no traffic around?

babble on said...

just curious... :)

Anonymous said...

I would Nona her Varnado

HaPpY tUeSdaY!!! said...

Dang, zero comments? That's gotta be rough. Hey babs, what's that like? Just curious...

Pooty said...

Stopping at signs uses a tremendous wattage amount and can wear BB30 ceramic bearing prematurely, especially if you have a motor or Maximus installed with the tickler option.

Spokey said...

yup. don't know there isn't any traffic till I look around and the safest way to do that is to stop. Figure it's good practice. Also, as I have never raced and don't intend to start, there isn't any reason to not stop. Probably slows me down at most 7 or 8 seconds.

The only time I might not stop is if I'm in a group ride. That's because I fear for my life as most of the others don't stop and i have gotten rear ended (wasn't as pleasing as I though it would be).

trama said...

Bob Dylan's spot still makes me sad

thegock said...

PHAT BIKE

Anonymous said...

Um...

JLRB said...

Is it just my computer, or did everyone else get a message in the video, right about when Roger Rosas is saying he , ummm doesn't wanna do (another) hit and run, that says "How big is your prostrate"???

McFly said...

Nona Varnado needs to get to rubbin on my Toyota like a cat........"No no no.......leave the glasses on....."

the Jimboner said...

StrawVa Drools!

balls™ said...

this

RoadQueen said...

BOBD YLAN
BUYM ERCN
REAR ENDS
MAXX SNOW

Anonymous said...

Hyundai guy is incredibly articulate, I can see why they made him the spokesperson for motorists in the story. Shouldn't there be a minimum IQ requirement to obtain a drivers license. Seriously, doesn't have to be high, it could be like 80. Hyundai guy would still have failed. Putz, indeed.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if Drago gets much pussy? I would guess yes.

ge© said...

Hey wait, almost escaped my Canuckistan ears, but why do they refer to bike routes in kilometres? So it sounds like they have more than they really have, or because it's extra douchey?

JLRB said...

Dylan is a sell out in our minds and Elvis in his

I 'spose he can do what he wants, but telling the Chinese to go assemble our phones seems a little rude. They should be assembling our crabon bikes. duh

Anonymous said...

How you know I was in the library?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That something right under the green arrow looks like a baby seal jumping out of the water. Must have gotten swept down in the last polar vortex.

commentatorbot_902743 said...

Oh, no. Ms. Varnado the answer is not elevated bikeenways.

The biggest part of the problem in Los Angeles is the transportation agency in charge of traffic flow. Their performance is measured by how fast cars can travel in the city.

Those "new bike lanes" are the city using Federal/State funds to restripe streets, making them faster for cars by retiming signals and so on, then add a bike lane to meet the funding criteria. Cars are going faster on their left and the same old opening door dangers on the right.

Uggh. I hate this topic. I need a shower.

JLRB said...

Let Japan create your animated torture porn

And you Canucks get to make our dental floss

Comment deleted said...

Roger Rosas: "It's confusing to, like, move my head?"

"It mixes up my whatchamacallits -- thoughts? I have many thoughts-things."

Anonymous said...

haha. the labiketrains.net site has been hacked. Another wordpress site compromised. Not surprising in the least.

This is what happens when "you know a guy who can set that up for free."

Anonymous said...

Spokey,

Blowing stop signs is a common cyclist thing-to-do here in merikuh's left scrotal sack.

Nona wants elevated cycling bikeen paths to eliminate the indignity, the horror, of stopping at intersections.

Comment deleted said...

Spokey, you can't see exactly what's going down at the intersection as you roll up to it?

Personally, I think I'm a little bit safer having a little momentum left in my suitcase of meh-age.

Anonymous said...

Tilford only uses steel snow shovels. He has a couple steel shovels that have been around for decades. They just keep getting shorter, but they work great.

RoadQueen said...

Wait - what's wrong with animated horror porn?

Anonymous said...

Weather's lovely here in the People's Republic....

I just saw this article about an Eindhoven bike roundabout. How good is that?

http://twistedsifter.com/2014/01/hovenring-worlds-first-suspended-bicycle-roundabout-netherlands/

hey nonny mouse

Sprucetops said...

Peter Billingsley in drag.

Anonymous said...

watching porn on the cumputers at the Seattle Public Libarry is tolerated, nay, ENCOURAGED.

http://www.vice.com/read/testing-seattles-porn-friendly-public-libaries

what does the fox said...

I'm confused, there's a girl that I'm pretty sure is Ralphie from Christmas story, and then a guy named Herbie that looks and sounds like a girl.

Dooth said...

Anyone who puts the moves on Nona Vornado has to contend with Herbie Huff...dammit.

mikeweb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mikeweb said...

JLRB @ 1:42,

Saw that last night. I was going to link it, but felt too lazy to do the html today. Like Hyundai man who doesn't like turning his head and using the steering wheel.

Lancelot the Brave said...

Roger Rosas is a fucktard.

McFly said...

Is Mike Burrows' ability to drill a hole with a conventional knee mill supposed to give him the street creds on rimular diagnosis?

1904 Cadardi said...

A 32 keelometer bike train would only get me 90% of the way to work. What do I do then?


robotest: 1904 Cadardi.

Yes it is a real 1904 Cadardi, built by Guiseppe Cadardi in his Sienna workshop, although it was repainted in the 1970's by his grandson Giovanni Cadardi he did use the orginal 1904 Cadardi family paint formula. It still rides laterally stiff and vertically compliant just the way Guiseppe Cadardi intended 110 years ago when he hand mitered the tubes to the sounds of a travelling opera troupe practicing Puccini's Tosca. That's why many 1904 Cadardi's are known as the Tosca bikes, not to be confused with the earlier Pagliacci bikes which always seemed a little funny. No the 1904 Cardardi, the Tosca bikes, are as great as they come.

Spokey said...

Comment deleted

probably. But I increase the likelihood of actually seeing another vehicle if I stop.

After I responded to babs, I went out to the store (eggplant parm tonight and quiche lorraine tomorrow). Of course in my 4-wheeled crabon generator. On the way there I traveled through a green light. And I slammed on the brakes and swerved to avoid the guy coming the other way making a left turn. He stopped about 1/2 through the intersection. Now he was not at a right angle but coming directly at me when he started the turn. Can't get more visible than that.

"having a little momentum left"

not needed unless you're trying to beat some other vehicle through the intersection.

But hey to each his own. As long as you take the responsibility and don't whine if you get smushed someday when you blew through the stop sign having not seen the 80 ton hummer, I'm OK with that.

I do find it interesting that it seems that lots of bicyclists get really indignant at the way people drive etc while defending the same practices for themselves.

Comment deleted said...

I get indignant when people throw a couple of tons around without really paying attention. I pay *very* close attention.

I'm not ragging on your choice when I say this, but I don't need to put a foot down on the ground to signal magically that I'm paying attention.

mikeweb said...

Show me a driver who comes to a complete stop at a stop sign with nobody around, and I'll show you a 90 y.o. who will probably drive through a Dunkin Donuts plate glass window within the next 6 months.

But I have to agree with Spokey. As a cyclist if you're going to cruise through stop signs and red lights when traffic conditions allow, you have to be 99.99% sure of yourself. I use the 'assume everyone speeds and nobody sees me or even bothers to look' rule.

If you cruise a stop sign and base your go/ no go decision on the assumption that all crossing traffic will be traveling at the posted 30 or whatever MPH speed limit and only look that far up and down the road, when that one maniac going 60 or 70 mows you down, it may or may not not be the drivers fault, but you will still be dead. If you're lucky.

Roille Figners said...

I. Nona? Yesna!

II. Everybody knows dental floss comes from Montana. (nerdiest song the Ikettes ever sang on)

III. Nothing is more boring than a stop sign. Except maybe talking about stop signs, which unfortunately doesn't have a stop sign to stop it.

Ze french cheeze said...

Top 80, mais j´ai fumé de l´herbe.

Et Nona est tres sexy..

ge© said...

Maybe the key to travelling in LA is to do the opposite of what the rules say and everyone gets by okay (minus the tourists of course).

McFly, Mike Burrows knows a lot and has done a lot of bike design, but his need to tell everyone about how much he knows makes it seem like he knows that much more than every other bike engineer.

I have to prove I'm not a robot by typing a bunch of random numbers all the time? How does that even make any sense at all?

Comment deleted said...

OK, a stop sign gedanken experiment (apologies, Roille). Say one of these "appearing out of nowhere" stop-sign-running cars show up when you are (slowly) crossing the intersection on yer bikey? Bet you'd trade a nut for a little momentum at that second.

It ain't about racing or beating anybody, it's about options. I can look just as carefully at an intersection going 5 mph as I can at zero, and have done so without injury for thirty years.

The "it ain't fair" argument, I can't answer, except to say that Idaho thinks it's fair. But I don't buy the "it ain't safe" argument at all.

Eurodude said...

Sorry Nona, but I just fell in love with a roundabout...

Regular guy said...

I bet that wasn't his Hyundai, his is a 15 year old Hyundai four door with no hubcaps.

dancesonpedals said...

I stop at stop signs when no one is around to avoid surprises.

Some sumbitch might be flying down the road faster than I imagine

JLRB said...

Big difference between slow rolling a stop sign and bike messengering through a red light/busy stop sign - weaving through the cross traffic

With that I will Stop it

Spokey said...

babs

aren't you glad your asked?

babs. wake up babs!

JLRB said...

maybe she is busy blowing a stop sign - lucky sign

mikeweb said...

Cd, I agree with you too - shee-it, i'm just agreeable today, I guess. My prior pseudo-rant is not to imply that I don't advocate rolling through stop signs or red lights at deserted intersections, just that for some ijjits it gets easy to slide into habits that JLRB touched on at 3:54.

Over and out.

Miley said...

Twerkin hard or hardly twerkin?

babble on said...

I always give pedestrians the right of way at intersections, and I obey the rules and stop for other vehicles as any vehicle should, but if I approach the intersection and see that there isn't any traffic, I don't stop and put my foot down.

and I am not sorry

Comment deleted said...

You're right, too, mikeweb, it's easy to get complacent.

Whether you choose to full stop or not, watch out; they're trying to kill you, even the ones that smile.

ken e. said...

what she said!

Spokey said...

especially the ones who smile

ken e. said...

second CD's comment too.
there's was some traffic safety lady on CBC radio a couple of weeks ago, and she said (paraphrasing) "car drivers only see the other cars at intersections..."

When the Swallows Return to Capistrano said...

"and that there was a similar increased risk among men under 65"

So if your wife or GF gets a "dose" of testos, say three times a week, will she have 2X the risk of a heart attack?

After reading the post I'm starting to get suspicious of Bab's "tea" story and I'm thinking maybe she swallowed something else.

McFly said...

I cannot believe there is all this stop sign rhetoric and no one has unleashed the My Brother Might Be Coming joke.

Herbal supplements are like the horoscope of the vitamin world.

Babble if I saw you blowin a stop sign I would get right in behind you and do it.

Anonymous said...

Portland is the new Brooklyn but apparently, black is still the same black. http://news.yahoo.com/trader-joe-39-drops-black-neighborhood-store-plan-224732374.html

Anonymous said...

“Dude Chilling Park” sign approved by Vancouver Park Board

ge© said...

When I see a stop sign I stop pedaling, coast by it and start pedaling. Obey the sign.

babble on said...

LOL! Are you kidding? THAT might as well be one of the four food groups... it most certainly wasn't the cause of my heart stoppage!

babble on said...

ge - ++ exactly. :D

duder said...

so when do i get *my* park?

babble on said...

Chill, dude, and it'll happen.

Ze french cheeze said...

et hop, cent

Anonymous said...

McFly,

What if the stop sign only likes girls?

Anonymous said...

I ride to work so I don't have to use mass transit and have to worry about following a time table set by others. Derail the bike train.

Anonymous said...

I ride to work so I don't have to use mass transit and have to worry about following a time table set by others. Derail the bike train.

Anonymous said...

Enjoy the climax of this LA Bike Train. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFceN2YyTUs

four hour erection said...

the snow is cramping my woo-hoo-------robotic passwerd-enclosed descwp---i are not a robot

McFly said...

Ummmm you guys watchin the Ken Hamm vs Bill Nye debate on the internets? Pretty good.

Jimbo said...

I was hoping for Winter Storm Minimus, but that means the kicking would have happened to me, because as my wife likes to remind me, I have no @$$. Oh well, you can't hurt what you don't have.

Dave said...

Montana nerdy? Them's fightin' words, son.

I'm coming for ya - packing my zircon-encrusted tweezers and riding my pygmy pony right through all the stop signs like they wasn't there.

Vegas said...

Here

Vegas said...

and re: bikeen in L.A.:
The treating-a-Stop-sign-as-a-Yield-sign" isn't called a "California Roll" for nuthin.

Snow Machines for Sale said...


I am really impressed with the attitude expressed on this site for being simple, open, honest, caring, hardworking and sincere, qualities that go together in activities

mikeweb said...

Lob turned on the cosmic Slushee machine today.

By afternoon the flavor will be 'yellow'.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Don't eat the yellow snow.

CommieCanuck said...

Yellow snow is delicious, cold, and a little salty.

CommieCanuck said...

DIRK HOFFMAN SNOW BLOWERS

babble on said...

Geez snob, thank you for being being simple, open, honest, caring, hardworking and sincere. Got any snow machines for sale?

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