Thursday, February 27, 2014

Put a cap on it!

Did you know you lose 99.9% of your body heat from your head, and if you don't wear a hat at all times you will die?

Well, here's a new hat that may just save your life:


That's right, the chapeaumeisters at Walz have engineered a special black-on-black (or "murdered out" if you're a douchebag) BSNYC edition of their Urban Wool cap.  It's subtle--as subtle as the "b" in "subtle."  It's comfortable.  It's stylish on the bike, off the bike, and even during that awkward in-between moment when you're half-on and half-off the bike.  And it tells the world you read the greatest cycling blog ever written, but that you flip over to this blog when the greatest cycling blog ever written is having server troubles.

Buying this hat will solve every problem you have in your life, plus it will make me a rich woman (I'm already a rich man, but I'd like to try being a rich woman for awhile), so buy 500, or just one if you're a cheapskate.

[By the way, now that Walz are offering two BSNYC caps, that means we've technically got a "collection," which means I'm going to have to hit the tanning beds and shoot a "lookbook."]

Of course, I know what you're really wondering, and it's this:

"Will Walz sell me a Bike Snob Daily News cap?"



Remember Bike Snob Daily News?  The one who hated riding a Citi Bike because it didn't offer her the magic carpet ride of her exquisite SE Draft?  No?  Well, I wrote all about her last May, and earlier this week I was feeling nostalgic and read her "review" again.  It's especially funny nearly a year later, since Citi Bike turned out to be a success.  This has required writers like Bike Snob Daily News to find new angles from which to undermine the program, and she's done just that:



This is a very cunning article because it:

1) Oxymoronically criticizes bike share because it's been too popular;

2) Associates bike share with the transplanted caricatures who are gentrifying the city into complete and total unaffordability, to wit:


“We need an affordable way to get to work,” said Benjamin Stelly, 24, Buckley’s live-in boyfriend, a studio director who hails from Texas.

Alas, they've played right into Bike Snob Daily News's hands, having evidently rolled up their pants in order to place their feet right in their mouths.  An affordable way to get to work from Harlem?  Absurd!  It will never happen:



Well-played again, Bike Snob Daily News.  I think Spike Lee just read that article and plotzed.  An anti-Citi Bike rant should be forthcoming.  I doff my Walz cap to you.

In other cycling news, Lance Armstrong may have to return that SCA Promotions bonus, but at least FRS drinkers can't sue him because they didn't win the Tour de France:


Court win

While the SCA ruling is a further blow to Armstrong as he faces several lawsuits, a Los Angeles judge dismissed a fraud lawsuit, ruling that he engaged in mere "puffery" and not illegal false advertising when claiming that FRS energy products were his secret weapon for success.

In 2013, Armstrong was sued by a group of FRS consumers who sought more than $5 million from FRS and Armstrong for misleading them into buying their products, which include energy drinks.

Armstrong claimed the products were his "secret weapon" behind his seven consecutive Tour wins when in fact doping was his real secret weapon, according to their suit. The plaintiffs argued that if they had known the truth about his doping, they would not have bought FRS products.

I was shocked to learn that people actually purchased and drank FRS, and I was also amused to note that apparently "puffery" is actually thing:

Puffery is a legal concept that relates to advertising, a notion that companies can make exaggerated or boastful subjective claims about their products and not be held liable for literal definitions about them.

I'm just glad to finally have a word for pretty much every aspect of bicycle marketing, as well as a title for the new magazine I'll be launching:


Actually, depending on production costs, I may go with "Puffery and Fluffery" and include a gratuitous nude centerfold in every issue.

Speaking of puffery, no city likes to puff itself up more than Portland, and a reader recently reminded me of this touching story:


This story hits on every essential Portland smugness story plot point, among those being:

--Person who does not own a car;
--Person who bought bike at co-op;
--Person who completely failed to lock bike and was subsequently crushed;
--Interaction with scary homeless person;
--Touching glimpse into scary homeless person's humanity and subsequent realization that they are people too;
--Renewed faith in a city where, apparently, you can be completely out to lunch and everything will just fall into place anyway.

Of course, it's not all benevolent homeless bike fairies in Portland, and sometimes they have to deal with...Bicycle Road Rage!


It's adorable that The Oregonian thinks any of this qualifies as "road rage," and only in Portland could somebody be threatened by a passive-aggressive thumbs-up:


("His ironic thumbs-up terrified me," said the driver.)

I think Bike Snob Daily News should move to Portland.  She'd be a great fit for The Oregonian.

102 comments:

Comment deleted said...

Late doors.

dcee604 said...

Top something or the other..

Anonymous said...

Body head...?

Dr. Paul Proteus said...

rookie podium?

Anonymous said...

Dang, too fast . . . need to draft more.


vsk

dnk said...

I was having a touching interaction with a scary homeless person, in which I totally realized his humanity. Hence, I missed the podium. But still Top Ten, mothafuckers!

Give my regards to Broadway.

Spokey said...

<10

Anonymous said...

Left coast rocks a top 10, east coast sux

Name said...

Maybe top ten

JB said...

David Byrne doesn't own a car.

Comment deleted said...

Fred Armisen already did the "Angry Portland Bike Dude". That's so over.

Spokey said...

Did you know you lose 99.9% of your body head from your head,

No. Didn't know that. I thought that when i lost my head I lost 100% of it.



robot loses 99255583 10% from its head

samh said...

Subtle puffery?

Velocodger said...

Nice hat.

Anonymous said...

BSDN already lives in Portland -- her name is Jonathan Maus.

DB said...

I'm late.
I was ordering 500 Walz caps.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

BLAC KHAT

DB said...

Hey! Snob changed the typo.

McFly said...

Some hipster needs to wrap that Scarf of Many Colors around Sarah Mirks' waist and ride her like a dirty sex pony.

Roille Figners said...

Do me a fayva, wear your hat,
so Jimmyyyy...
(can have the opportunity to come back)

Who knows THAT one?

DB said...

Last weeks new word was pegging.
This weeks is puffery.
It's like one of those New Word every day calendars.

Anonymous said...

My idea for a new cycling magazine - Poser. Would be about me.

cycle

the Jimboner said...

More Fluffery or Ima gonna Fluff Myself!

babble on said...

Da babe!! I love fluffery... ye just need more pussy shots for the centerfold and those puffery mags of your will fly off the shelves.

I like the hat in black.

crosspalms said...

I'm completely persuaded by your hat puffery. And it's wool? Sold.

Didn't Wilhelm Reich invent the Oregonian? No wonder Portland's an odd place.

Blog Drafter said...

i.e. Lance doesn't write ad copy, the Pufferists do.


Scranus, and plackbpa son

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Too bad you couldn't rig this blog to play that Duke Ellington piece every time you posted a new post.

That'd be swell.

Anonymous said...

Bike Snob Daily News lady pretty cute. You should send her a hat. Speaking of which, I don't quite get it. Love the blog and have purchased, read and enjoyed all three of your books but not sure I want to wear a hat around that advertises that. But hopefully some will and you will become the rich lady of your dreams.

Spokey said...

DB

I've already got it in a pdf and a snapshot. http://njanonymous.info/2014-02-27 BSNY typo2.jpg




Etherpuffer said...

I can't read without a music prompting. That A train stuff worked well. How about some violin music for the Portland sob story?

DB said...

You are good, Spokey.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...fucking A... i had my lunch and THEN read the post... the portlandia made me puke. daffuck is wrong with those people.

JB said...

McFly: I had 2:1 odds with Leroy's dog that you would mention Sarah's surreptitiously large chesticles. Damn.

ubercurmudgeon said...

I'd take out a subscription to Puffery Magazine in a heartbeat. But then I do own roughly a quarter of a million dollars worth of Rapha clothes (i.e. three of their jerseys.)

Spokey said...

db

it is already in the hands of the manhattan DA


robot sez there are now 45355684 11409 counts pending against WCRM. Arrest pending

JLRB said...

Sly. dog. First you do a post that casually mentions your $1,600 ('merican) bespoke bicycle coat. A day or so later you roll out your relatively free wool hat.

If I cared to wear a hat I'd buy it just to fall for the swindle.

JLRB said...

and

thanks for the jazz

BamaPhred said...

So product marketing is puffery, who'da thougt?
One day road raging cyclist is going to rant at the wrong person and the circle of karma will be complete.

It is Lent, I did a rviousp sacrifice.

ge© said...

Wasn't that an episode of Portlandia? Wait, just realized it's a documentary and not satire. Mind. Blown.

So whiney guys in Harlem are complaining about no bike share. Meanwhile in Phoenix, even if they had one they could be banned from using it. Way to distract from the real issues BSDN.

Nasreddin Hodja said...

Right now I can't imagine a lamer (or more obscure) affinity display product, but I know I'll want one next year, the moment before " "everybody" has one and they're instantly infra-dig.

mikeweb said...

Passive aggressive thumbs up on the murdered-out wool cap.

McFly said...

I woulda bought that hat if youda been a bit more puffery about it.

You don't sell the steak....you sell the sizzle.

Get J. Peterman to write up a lil sumpin' for ya.

DB said...

McFly for comment of the day.

Regular guy said...

I'd be up for some Sarah Mirk fluffery, maybe a picture of that Univega hauling her fine ass!

RoadQueen said...

New Magazine suggestion:

Puff, Fluff 'N' Stuff

The magazine to read up on the latest and greatest cycling news, gawk at nude centerfolds, and a special Q&A section in each issue with our very own BSNYC on Pegging called, "Upon the Seatpost (sans saddle)".

Dooth said...

Sarah Mirk works for Bitch Media, renowned for puffery expertise.

streepo said...

Thumbs up on the fine effort, Wildcat.


Official Commentator of Global Warming
(Well no one else claimed it!)

fiotshou assamese

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking RQ falls in that very special elite 30%.

grog said...

You'll sell more hats if you show us Recumbabe wearing one.

Roille Figners said...

Citibike: The food is terrible. And such small portions.

BSDN SLAY

2wheeler said...

Thanks for the Duke video. I would have liked to see a link to "plotzed" because no one knows what that means around here.

Anonymous said...

Tilford is in Austin. Preparing to race mountain bikes this weekend.

JLRB said...

Next model should be an azz hat

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

I'm thinking we need to start fetishizing toes next.

Mr Plow said...

Good post snob. I give it two (2) terrifying ironic thumbs up

Roille Figners said...

"Puffery" is a cute word for LYING and is therefore, itself, an example of puffery.

MIND BLON

Also see: perfidy

Anonymous said...

I wonder if Tilford will talk to L@nce while he's in town?

JB said...

Before I drop 40 Canadian Super Dollars on a hat, site unseen, I'm going to need to see more than one view.

BikeSnobNYC said...

JB,

If you click on the "Urban Wool cap" link in the post, you can see other views of the hat, though not necessarily in the same color.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Blitherer said...

The Black on Black cap is $39.95. Jeez, for an extra $0.05 (five cents), I could have gotten me a sweet Univega. Blue. With matching red grips and pedals. From a guy named Jeffrey...

PS, no one went with Mirk and merkin. Am I the only one who thought about the possibilities there?

JB said...

Thanks E. Thanksee.

I see they are personalizeable. "SCRANUS" anyone?

Billy Strayhorn said...

Urban wool? Wait a second, that means it comes from black sheep! Yo! Spike Lee's gonna be pissed!

jay said...

cunning, indeed.

Lloyd Alter said...

http://www.theguardian.com/science/2008/dec/17/medicalresearch-humanbehaviour

j. peterman said...

I had spent the afternoon in a forgotten part of Soho, trying to track down a particular flannel shirt. Shopkeeper after shopkeeper would send me to this tiny boite, or that out-of-the-way establishment, but each time I came away empty-handed. Cold and discouraged, I tried the door of a small store near the end of an alley. The windows were unlit, so at first I thought the place was closed. When my eyes adjusted to the soft light, I realized I was in the presence of a well-curated, minimalist collection: a few choice books, some Australian-sourced lighting -- and two hats. The cold still in my bones, I lifted the wool version off its stand. Black. Subtle. Even subtler, black initials along one side. I eased it onto my head. Perfection. I've worn it ever since, and it only improves with age. That alley? Gone. Progress, they say. But the hat lives on. Did I mention the Ass-Savers? Got those, too.

Biking the Live Fantastic said...

David Byrne has a few good videos!

cj said...

I fucked a Canadian fat girl in that alley once.

DB said...

J. Peterman:
Nice work.
I can picture the water color painting of the cap in my minds eye.

Redeye said...

I thought that Puffery was a publication about Wednesday weed.

scranus said...

this shit is so lame, what da fuck is wrong wid you people

ouabacher said...

What's up with cj? He used to be so much more suBtle.

Anonymous said...

Yellow tights... euuuwww

Nacnud said...

I have a different sort of happy ending in mind for Sarah Mirk.

Vernal Magina said...

Scrodium.

Crusty Crusier said...

I've got this crazy old rusty possibly a Hawthorne frame with a skip tooth chainring, it has no front wheel and a very corroded rear rim with a working Morrow coaster hub, could I fit it with 700 rims and say 38C tires so I could ride it and if so would it be ok to wear a BSNYC murdered out hat on such a sick ride if I got it up and running?

McFly said...

The only thing hotter than black boots and yoga pants is black boots with yoga pants waded and bunched around the tops of the aforementioned black boots.

YOGA BOOT

Anonymous said...

Judas Doctor,

Loved that band

North of the NSA is? said...

What has become of CC? To busy to post now that he's a consultant to Rob Ford?

Will David B Spring for One? said...

$40.00 for a hat!!!! For that kind of money there should be a fake beaver on the front.

semi serious cyclist said...

Ironic thumbs up wieldinmg bikers now striking fear in the hearts of a thoroughly wussified America. The horrors.

Anonymous said...

Snob, due to the weather I need to hold out for one with ear flaps.

Kettle said...

Irony - creating a blog to make fun of the type of stuff

what was I thinking again?

Bike Maintenance said...

Nice blog to encourage us about bike riding. It reminds me my teenager age when i used to ride bikes.

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford is doing a MTB race in a town called Dripping Springs...

That sounds like a really great name for a whore house.

Anonymous said...

I thought "body head" was when she got on her knee's in the floor and got her entire upper torso into the action instead of just leaning down for 45-90 seconds of ice cream cone action.

Anonymous said...

Fluffing, puffing and pegging your way to bicycle blog infamy.

Roille Figners said...

Judas Doctor - "a tribute to Spin Doctors... in the Style of Judas Priest"

I'd go see that.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

I can't believe ground zero of the American punk scene is now a surf shop...

McFly said...

Ground Zero of the American punk scene was London Babble...London......

Flyover BC said...

Dripping Springs is also known as Drippin' Thangs

62d4b470-a09b-11e3-ab28-000bcdca4d7a said...

Depressingly, Ms. Simone Weichselbaum famous Citi-bike critic and former unimaginative 8 year-old, won an award for something. The Be’chol Lashon Media Award to be precise. I don't know the criteria for the award, but it was for a piece she wrote about Jewish bicycle bloggers who move.

balls™ said...

How anyone can claim to want money back from Armstrong as if they didn't get all that publicity they paid for when he was "winning" the TdF however many times he used to be the winner...

Did anyone get their money back after buying those products after Lance was busted? No? So... the "harm" to your company is what? Exactly?

AYHSLAB!!!!
(All You Haters Suck Lance Armstrong's BALL)

JB said...

You've got a point, balls. You should get that checked by a doctor. Dr. Babble On, MD

(I wonder what the MD stands for?)

JLRB said...

Lance should come out and endorse EPO and get it over with

Puff on this said...

Puffery refers to an exaggeration or statement that no reasonable person would take as factual. It often occurs in the context of advertsing and promotional testimonials. Puffery may be used as a defense to a warranty or fraud claim, to assert that the plaintiff shouldn't have relied on the statements in issue. Puffing generally is defined as “exaggerated, vague, or loosely optimistic statements about a company that are deemed so immaterial and unworthy of reliance that they cannot serve as the basis for liability. The difference between a statement of fact and mere puffery rests in the specificity or generality of the claim." Phoenix Payment Solutions, Inc. v. Towner, 2009 U.S. Dist. LEXIS 91978 (D. Ariz. Oct. 2, 2009)

Multiple Choice said...

This hat will keep your head warm

This hat will retain a temperature of 98 degrees

This hat will get you laid

This hat will gives ball cancer you looser

Anonymous said...

Balls

Anonymous said...

And hammers

Anonymous said...

Urban wool = kunt hair

A westerner said...

From this blog and NPR I get get the impression most New Yorkers are Jewish,gay or both...

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