Thursday, February 20, 2014

Monday was a holiday, which makes today Wednesday.

Do you ever wake up brimming with optimism, determined to take life by the balls and wrestle it into submission, only to discover that life is a woman, she doesn't have any balls, and then she beats the living shit out of you until bedtime?

Happens to me every day, metaphorically speaking.

Sadly, the simple fact is it's just easier to take life sitting down.  You know, let her "peg" you, if you will.  (A commenter on yesterday's post recommended looking up the word "pegging," and you know what?  I totally did.  Just keep in mind the aforementioned link, while academic in nature, is not safe for work, unless of course you work at Peg's Pegging Pagoda.)  And what better way to get "pegged" than for your bicycle saddle to fall off while riding?  Well, that's what happened to one Scattante owner (well, his saddle fell off, anyway), and he's going to tell you all about it at great length:



Say what you will, but I'd take this guy's bike tech advice over James Huang's any day of the week, including "Sunderday," which is a day of the week I just made up. Plus, the guy's improvisational skills are sharp as a shard of broken Scattante crabon, and the way he rolls with it when that seat rail clamp falls off is the hallmark of a true showman.

Speaking of getting the sharp end of the seatpost, do you live in Boston?  Do you ride a bike in winter?  If so, it may surprise you to learn that you're living in the wrong city:


Frankly, I am tired of our dedicated team wasting valuable time addressing the less than .05% of all cyclists who choose to bike after a snow/ice event… We should not spend time debating cyclists with poor judgement [sic] and unrealistic expectations, and stick with [the staffer]‘s recommendation that they find other transportation. If someone is completely depending on a bike for year-round transportation, they are living in the wrong city.

So what's the right city?  Portland?  No.  Throw a little snow their way and we all know what happens:


When reached for comments, the organizers explained, "Uh, we meant like 'Worst Day of the Year' like in quotes, not like actually 'The Worst Day of the Year' like not in quotes."

D'uh.

How about New York City then?  Well, not if you like your greenways cleared:


(Looks like the greenway is covered in brie.)

Though in fairness, in trying to ride on a bike path in winter, I did display both "poor judgment" and "unrealistic expectations."

No, the "right" city for cycling in winter is probably Copenhagen, since clearly they know how to do it:


Though it's probably not the right city for cycling in winter if you're a vegan, in which case that outfit is probably sending you into paroxysms of weeping and smugness:


Oh, and if you're wondering, of course they make fur mittens for men:


("My mittens were electrocuted anally.")

Pros: Both warm and stylish.

Cons: May be difficult to operate integrated shift levers, may become soaked with urine if you don't remove them before relieving yourself.

And don't forget the matching helment cover!


It can get pretty hot under there though, so for ventilation just open the mouth.

Disgusting.

In other news of morally questionable behavior, many pro cyclists once found guilty of doping continue to ride, and a VeloNews article examines whether or not they continue to benefit from the drugs they took, even if they have indeed stopped (yeah, right, gigglechortle):


Basically, the short version is that testosterone may keep working for you even after you stop:

Bruusgaard studied this effect by administering a single dose of testosterone to mice. He found that the testosterone dramatically increased the effects of training on myonuclei numbers. In fact, testosterone alone had a bigger impact than training. After three months of detraining, the muscles shrunk, but the nuclei stuck around.

Bruusgaard pointed out that three months in the life of a mouse is equal to about 10 years in a human. “There is a good chance the increase in the nuclei is forever. There have been a lot of studies on the age of nuclei in humans and they seem to be as old as the humans carrying them,” he said.

Whereas you probably get slower after you stop taking EPO:

“What I have anecdotally noticed is that while people are taking erythropoietin — while I was taking erythropoietin — there is certainly an increased training load possibility,” Vaughters said. “But I have also noticed that when you cease taking the drug, there is a sort of backlash — since your bone marrow receptors have been over-occupied with erythropoietin, your body basically shuts down red blood cell production for a while and the bone marrow isn’t as receptive to natural erythropoietin.”

Vaughters said he has seen riders drop well below their pre-EPO baseline abilities, and claims the effect last years in some cases.

In other words, that's why Fabian Cancellara still wins races, but Alberto Contador now sucks.

And before you try to tell me Fabian Cancellara never took drugs, the guy basically just admitted it:


Anybody who follows pro cycling knows attempting the hour record is tantamount to an admission of guilt.  Merckx?  Moser?  Rominger?  Boardman?  Please.  The hour record is basically just a PED consumption victory lap. Check out the "palmarès" on the current record holder, Ondřej Sosenka:

Doping

He was excluded from the 2001 Peace Race after failing a hematocrit test prior to the event.

In June 2008, he tested positive for the banned stimulant methamphetamine and its metabolites during his national time trial championships, and received a suspension which ended his career.

Nicely done.

Anyway, I can't believe Jens "Catchphrase" Voigt isn't making a crack at it.



Voigt has to tell his legs to shut up, otherwise they'd tell tales of drug consumption that would make Keith Richards's autobiography look like a Bon Appétit article about quinoa.

Lastly, here's a Craigslist "Missed Connection" that epitomizes perfectly the roadie belief that somehow the rest of your life will fall into place while you're wasting your time doing intervals:

Running in Central Park at 5:30 am, in the stupid cold. - m4w - 32 (Midtown West)
age : 32 body : athletic height : 5'11" (180cm) status : single

To all the girls that run or ride in Central Park before sunrise, when it's snowing, nasty cold, raining...

There are plenty of excuses to stay inside and sleep in a couple more hours when it's cold, the middle of winter with snow falling. No one will know if you skip your run, not that they would care. But you are out running, because you're just a little bit insane, doing it for whatever good reason. People think you are naturally fit, having no idea that you work like an animal. You're out early because you have to be at work soon, like everyone else, but still make time for what you want to do. 

You're my kind of girl.

I'm the guy on my bike, almost every morning, no matter what the weather. I look ridiculous, covered head-to-toe, like a silly ninja or something, riding my intervals. My toes are painfully frozen, but it doesn't matter. Like you, I'm a little nuts, but just embrace it and keep moving. 

Off my bike, I have a real job and appreciate good style. I work like hell and love being out on Friday night as much as anyone else. 

Up for it?

If you're looking for him, he'll be doing intervals.

83 comments:

Anonymous said...

Podalicious !!!

vsk

Spokey said...

yeller finally?

Anonymous said...

Onna da top

vsk

Spokey said...

scanus

dcee604 said...

VANCITY REPRESENT!

le Correcteur said...

Shit; too many people waiting! Not even podium; but top ten!

22868996 7432

Anonymous said...

NO Babble yet? I'm outta here!

vsk

Blog Drafter said...

Top Ten?

Spokey said...

le Correcteur said...

don't count out luck.

I just came in from my war against the glacier in my driveway and decided to check in.

Only got 2nd. When I came here the post said 19 seconds ago. Was sure I'd grab yellow.



awasshi the robot. Now it's bright and shiny.

Jon said...

Hey be nice to the guy checking out runners. A guy's gotta find love somehow.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...so many loosers!

3G said...

top 15 with an epic Barraga in the toilet.

Comment deleted said...

Sounds like another buttplug enthusiast opened his yap in Beantown.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Why the hell is the video guy standing in front of a green screen? What's he hiding?

commentatorbot_097234 said...

The right city is somewhere in the southern U.S. of scranus. Except most of them are ripe for "That cyclist was probably an illegal immigrant because she wasn't driving a car" bike vs. car death matches.

Meanwhile, the body does eventually get back to producing EPO if it was only EPO the bikeen riders were taking. But, that's not all they are taking. HGH, Testosterone, various peptides, frequent use of cortisone. All of which is done at "never tested positive" levels that make a clean rider doing well practically hopeless. Unfortunately, your body doesn't get back to normal so good on that regime. No one wants you to know that though...

Anonymous said...

Is that Benny Hill in the video?

commentatorbot_7234 said...

Jon,

I'd give the early-riding guy looking for love props but it's likely he'd tell a luuv connection that he's too busy. He's got some riding to do.

And she's too busy anyway with that running.

Typical frequent bike rider problem, excitable, but not interested.

Yarpo said...

Tep Twergny! Now to go back to the beginning of the month and start slogging through the posts!

Happy Scranus All!

Will replace the busted spoke on the rear wheel today and recommence road dorkiness activities. Huzzah!

jay said...

pegging is a lifestyle choice. and Copenhagen chic could peg me until the snow melts. everywhere.

Anonymous said...

It is Benny Hill! Pegging footage here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUSC2-f5t70

Roille Figners said...

You guys are fast. And that's the straight dope.

Anonymous said...

Hey CJ, why don't you chime in with your favorite pegging story?

I thought this was a blog where we critique bike setup!

Timid pesopti

Perenium said...

"I look ridiculous, covered head-to-toe, like a silly ninja or something"

Do you think its Bret's nemesis, the Raven Guy?

Roille Figners said...

Of all the ninjas, it's the silly ones who are most cunning... AND MOST DEADLY

RoadQueen said...

After this post, I might be Peg-curious. Maybe.

Anon vsk and Spokey - Kisses! XXXX

Roille Figners said...

Yeah Boston, forget the bike paths and get back to doing awesome projects like the Big Dig, a.k.a. The Project Widely Regarded as the Most Extravagantly Fucked Up Boondoggle that Ever Doggled a Boon.

Anonymous said...

Jonathan Vaughters' stupid sideburns are the extended aftermath of his doping...

Confucius said...

Man on foot catch far more runner tail and if you can't afford the 2.5 bills for a pair of Lakes, your toes are in the wrong city.

McFly said...

All the Cool Kids are intervals with girls in the park. Jensy looks like a tweaker.

McFly said...

*doing

Roille Figners said...

Response #2: "Wait, you mean this isn't Albuquerque?"

Roille Figners said...

Response #3: "I agree, you should stop wasting time debating, and GO DO SOME WORK."

JLRB said...

"To all the girls that run or ride in Central Park ... [blah blah blah]

You're my kind of girl."

So all the girls running are his kind? Grammar aside, dude isn't too picky.

And I feel no need to give props to anyone who really thinks posting crap like that in Craigslist will get him pegged.

On the positive side - his post does give those girls something to run from.

Claude Boddums said...

RQ you can peg me with an xxs set-up initially if you will promise to wear the mountain lion head dress and make a growling sound.

And claw my ass cheeks.

Roille Figners said...

Response #4: "Shouldn't you be complaining about the Yankees instead of the bicyclists?"

(Roille Figners still does not forgive Boston for ending his World Series run in '75.)

RoadQueen said...

JLRB, good point. He's a pretty fantastic training partner if you're trying to be fast.

Motivation. Nothing motivates like a creeper coming up behind you with a peg.

Comment deleted said...

"Peg! It will come back to you."

-- some band named after a sentient, malevolent dildo.

Anonymous said...

In high school Interval Guy was voted most likely to slip a gal a ruffy on the first date. However, given all the helmettas in NYC I guarantee he gets several replies to his desperate cry for a date rape victim.

Bama Phred said...

So Frozen Toes has little nutz. Must be from all the juicin. Maybe he could stuff a sausage and a couple of tennis balls into his tights to get more action.

crosspalms said...

Never mind the mittens, how many wickers gave their lives to make that basket?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

@CD -right, I always wondered how they got their name.

Anonymous said...

Fuck it, I'm selling the Hyundai and moving the Copenhagen.


The robot is ganiong ians. I'll while and you ganiong mine next.

DB said...

Yeah, Crosspalms, I was thinking is that basket big enough, or what?

Regular guy said...

The seat post guy seems to go from riding through suburban Little Rock (where I assume the seatpost broke)to an island paradise (to talk about fixing it).

Two words of advice, lose weight and don't buy a "somewhat affordable" carbon fiber seatpost on the internet.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...seatpost nashbar guy makes a compelling argument for being a walking, breathing, talking stereotype.

...nashbar should hire him.

RoadQueen said...

I watched 52 seconds of seat guy's video. After that, the loop tape of birds chirping was giving me a twitch, and I had to abort.

McFly said...

The reach-around is implied. ALWAYS. Whomever is achieving a goal is the recipient.

Erolgo said...

"when and if this one fails it'll have twice the possibility of not failing"
Brilliant
"that's redundancy"
No you're redundancy you big doofus

JLRB said...

seat post guy was going to get a drill and a hammer to get the clamp out of his seat? He is fully qualified to make $20,000/year.

Vernal Magina said...

What the fuck is an "athletic height"

McFly said...

I really like the way Irixguy would completely forget that he was makin a video when he would focus in on a broken bike part.

You could smell brain.

JB said...

Seat post guy drinking game: take a sip whenever he says carbon fiber.

Anonymous said...

I'm serious! I did not plan that!

Carbon seatpost guy is my new hero. He's the anchor for my new 24-hour cycling television station.

The sport desperately needs more riders like him. More girls is good too.

Spokey said...

thx queenie

xo's back at ya






robot piled tedleki I guess robot is getting in to the butt plugging

Anonymous said...

I was only doing 30 miles per hour

And he can't find a seatpost bolt.

This guy is going to be a star!! I bet 100 people will watch that video.

the Judge said...

Whatever in creation exists without my knowledge exists without my consent.

Dooth said...

I betcha Seat Post Benny has beer logos on all his shirts.

Anonymous said...

I think maybe seatpost guy has some competition from this guy falling off his bike with no one, and apparently nothing causing his fall.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3B-qR3NHUHE

McFly said...

High quality and affordable? The same does not apply to prostitutes. Don't even get me started on pegging surcharges.

Seattle_Mike said...

My missing seat bolt broken story was sometime in the last Century. I was leading a Century ride which involved a 25 mile up to a Mr. Rainier ranger station. At about mile 10 coming down (it was a hill/mountain slope) one of the riders lost his seat bolt. I couldn't believe it but he completed the last 15 miles either standing up or on it. (He was behind me). Luckily someone gave him a bolt (which came from the guy's bike)in a small town.

Anonymous said...

Hello? Am I in?

Anonymous said...

I've pulled and pulled on my medium sized Scattante mono cock and its NEVER fallen off, filming (hopefully hasn't happened) or not.

Anonymous said...

INTERVALS IS LOWERING YOUR SPERM COUNT AND GIVING BALL CANCER LOOSER. LOSER.

JLRB said...

I protest the determination that today is Wednesday. Apologies to the weed but this week is long enough already. Not a single snow day or delay all week.

babble on said...

Poduim?

Comment deleted said...

Yes, Babs, if you flip your screen over.

babble on said...

Bit slow off the mark today... :)

Anonymous said...

Really I load this page for the news, be it EPO or some crazy prostrate cycling video. I laughed at that for awhile.

Postman said...

I post this from my seat.

Anonymous said...

Babs you ever peg a fool?

babble on said...

Mmmmm mono cock. Yum.

Mr Postman - You just let me know when you're in my hood, mmmkay?

Well now... and I am not making this up for shock and awe, but my Aunt Peg was a fool. Does that count?

And speaking of mono cock, Long John Silver had a lovely peg leg... you'd have had him pegged for a good time, that's for sure.

Yikes. JB - no more Thursday afternoon drinking games, K? Jus wait till Friday at three, cause some of us haven't nearly enough self restraint otherwise. Sheesh. Tomorrow is gonna hurt.

Just sayin.

Anonymous said...

Greenways covered in brie?!! Move me to THAT city!! Where is it, Paris? I'd get up before dawn to run.....

I do love that greenway, even with the death-funnel crossing at the north end. Once came across somebody trying to guide an old man off the greenway, as he had wedged his double-wide Caddilac in there. Barely had room to walk the bike past this fiasco.

"His legs could tell stories that make Keith Richards' sound like an article in Bon Appetit about quinoa." Hot damn that's some fine writin' boy.

P.S. Scranus

One Hole said...

Definition of 'Pegging'

1. A method of stabilizing a country's currency by fixing its exchange rate to that of another country.

Whats so nsfw?

ge© said...

What was seatpostbubba on about anyway. I couldn't take the fake birds combined with the fake background.

Anonymous said...

To the women I see on my computer. You like to have sex. I know this because every time I see you, you are having sex. You don't care if it's with the milk man, the plumber, or some serbian looking guy with a beer gut and a hairy back. You're a little crazy and just keep on plugging away.

You are my kind of woman.

Maybe you have seen me too through that little lens on my computer, watching you day after day, doing my intervals, a little bit crazy.

So what do you think, women on my computer? I don't have a job, but my wife does and she works during the day. Would one of you like to come over to my house and have sex with me? I have been doing intervals almost every day for several years now and I believe I would be at least as good as the Serbian.

babble on said...

I always figured EVERYBODY likes to have sex, and that's the reason there are so damned many of us on this planet.

Your wife prolly likes it, too. I'm guessing that has something to do with why you married her in the first place...?

Anonymous said...

Oh his wife LOVES it.

I had her pegged the first time I met her.

Anonymous said...

We were not exactly compatable initially and it was an awkward fit. But she relaxed and began to accept me and I became less forceful with my needs and next thing you know sheets became unclenched and human babies were avoided. Ahhhhhhhhhh the butt...nature's birth control pill.

JB said...

What the hell is going on around here?

JLRB said...

JB @ 8:27 - looks like the usual to me.

ANON @ 1:16 - Excellent!

Peg Leg Pete said...

Capcha "getipou" Something to do with the one doing the pegging, not the one receiving it?

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