Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Members Only: The Case For Top Tube Pads (Remember Those?)

Obviously, when it comes to international cycling news, one headline has been dominating the world's media:


An Irishman man was left with a seven-week penile erection after he suffered a straddle injury on the crossbar of his mountain bike.

I'm glad they clarified that he was an "Irishman man," because his gender was not already clear from: a) The word "Irishman," and b) the erection.  Nevertheless, this article flies in the face of years of anti-cycling hysteria, since until now cycling was supposed to make you impotent.  So now he have to contend with the fact that sometimes it will make you impotent, whereas other times it will give you a raging perma-boner?  We just can't win!

Fuck it, I'm buying a Hyundai.

Still, it couldn't have been all bad, since the victim appears to have enjoyed the boner for a full five weeks before finally seeking help:

The 22-year-old endured the distressing condition for five weeks before seeking help from doctors at Tallaght Hospital in Dublin.

At which point doctors attempted to restore flaccidity to the torpid member by administering a series of visual erection deterrents.  First they started with some Level One erection-aversion therapy:


Then they moved up to Level Two with some runner diarrhea:



And finally they took out the big guns and forced the patient to confront an image known to urologists as "The Boner Killer:"


(Irish doctors go nuclear)

Why they didn't just make the guy ride a fixed-gear bicycle with a misadjusted saddle for a few hours is beyond me.

Anyway, nothing the doctors did worked, and if anything the erection only grew more persistent--so eventually they had no other choice but to "get in there:"

Doctors had to insert a catheter, a flexible tube through a narrow opening, into the man's pelvic artery.

The delicate treatment saw the doctors inserting foam and coils into the artery, mindful that it carried a small risk of impotence.

Interestingly, the mechanics of his penis now work exactly like a "dropper" seatpost.



In fact, Specialized now has a trademark on his dong.

Speaking of the world's most litigious bike company, Mark Cavendish now rides the smallest bicycle they make Merida makes:


Cavendish has moved from last year's 52cm frame to a 49cm one – the smallest size that Specialized offers despite standing at a decidedly average 1.75m (5ft 8in). Given the smaller frame's similar reach but lower stack, one might rightfully assume that Cavendish has switched by suggestion of his fitter in order to get himself even lower and more aerodynamic during sprint finishes.

That may very well be the end result but according to Specialized Body Geometry fit manager Sean Madsen, it's all about feel.

"He just made this change on his own," Madsen said. "The reason he gave was that he liked the feeling; no real reasoning behind it."

Cavendish's sudden, arbitrary preference for the feel of small things has sent his partner Peta Todd into a panic, and her breast reduction surgery is now scheduled for Thursday:


(Bad news for Peta: Cavendish is off big.)

Incidentally, here is how the Irishman man reacts when he views images of Peta Todd:



And here's the Man(x) Missile's tiny clown bike:


Which I include only to note the obligatory "disembodied hand:"


Yes, when it comes to disembodied hand models, Cyclingnews uses on the best in the business, and here they are staying limber in between shoots:


(Union rules require two (2) disembodied hand models per bicycle.)

It takes an incredible amount of flexibility and strength to keep your body out of the frame while simultaneously holding a bicycle aloft with two digits, and obviously the models can't be constrained by clothing.  The only problem is that shoots like this tend to draw "looky-loos," especially when they take place on a public beach:


"Hey, what do you want from me?," says the aroused Irishman man as he loiters behind the photographer.  "I have a legitimate medical condition."

In other small bike news, remember when it used to be obligatory when selling a used bicycle to specify that it's great for "fixed-gear conversions?"  Well, it's 2014 now, so you have to add "gravel grinder" and "cyclocross bike" too:


Trek 750 Multi Track 44cm bicycle 700c wheels - $250 (Financial District)

Classic True Temper Steel frame Trek 770 44cm bicycle 700c wheels in good condition. It has 18 speeds and cantilever brakes. Perfect bike for a teen or petite woman. Great bike to convert to fixie, gravel grinder or cyclocross bike.

Yeah, that's not really a great bike to convert into any of those things, though I think it would benefit tremendously from a dropper seatpost, which is rapidly becoming the bar-end of the 21st century.

Lastly, while searching the Internet for "Naked Outside Yoga" I came across some publication called "Outside," who are gearing up for a big bike test which they say will be "one of the most comprehensive and grueling bike test programs of any publication on the market:"


Bike reviews in some magazines are little more than promotional copy for a list of randomly selected models. That’s not the case at Outside. To choose the bikes we review, we conduct one of the most comprehensive and grueling bike test programs of any publication on the market.

So what will this grueling test consist of?

The meat of the tests are in early January, beginning today. After loading up a 26-foot Penske with over 60 bikes and carting them to Tucson, we spend a full week riding them hard. Three days are devoted to road bikes and three to mountain bikes, with a floater day for tie-breakers and anything that was missed or forgotten.

Holy shit!  They're going to ride each of the bikes for three days?  Talk about grueling!

Of course, the sad thing is that this probably is one of the most comprehensive and grueling bike test programs of any publication on the market.

I really, really hope someone steals that truck.

97 comments:

Hegnawed Hertitsov said...

Podium!!

Flyover said...

Podium

Anonymous said...

Deaux!

streepo said...

scranus

Roille Figners said...

4-banger

Roille Figners said...

OK 5-banger

santa said...

bazinga!

WEED said...

weed

Isn't It said...

The body painted babe, purple breasts, isn't that our Babble?

Spokey said...

top 10?

Logbig said...

Top Ten!! Strava!!

Anonymous said...

I'll tell you what brother if I have an erection lasting more than 7 weeks I'll not be the only one going to the hospital hell yea.

ken e. said...

hello eugene?

Comment deleted said...

Enough with mountain bikes, road bikes, gravel bikes, etc.

I want a bike that I can ride *inside* my house. I'm tired of walking from my bedroom to the kitchen in the morning.

Any time spent off the saddle will be considered "junk time".

That ought to take care of that pesky "potence".

Perros De Maiz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dancesonpedals said...

top 20

seullement igoteve

McFly said...

7 weeks? I once dated a girl whose sexual organ stayed in a state of wetter or wettest for 7 months. Frankly I do not see the problem.

Don said...

Irish toothache.

http://www.definition-of.com/Irish%20toothache

Max Benign said...

That seat post video is missing something...Here, found it:

http://youtubedoubler.com/bnUB

babble on said...

McFly - right?!

CD - ++ :D

Snobbers - thank you for BIG BOOBUMS!! What about that shitstorm, though? I wonder if it was one of his better runs? How do you stop accidents like that from happening? It depends. I couldn't watch it through to the end... did he make the poodium?

Isn't it: Er... ?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

whoaaa!!!

...too much penis today.

Jon Webb said...

They aren't going to spend three days riding any one bike. They're going to spend three days, total, on all the road bikes. So, who knows, maybe an hour or two per bike.

82 medici said...

60 bikes in 6 days! I make that out to be 10 bikes per day or about one hour per bike. Yeah, that's MY definition of grueling.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...umm... your math is way off. 60 bikes, 1 week of riding = less than one hour of riding for each bike (assuming 12 hours = 1 day of riding, which is too many hours if you ask Outside)

...sadly, that still may be a more grueling test than most other publications... except BQ, which tests each bike for like 1,000hrs.

82 medici said...

Hey Jon Webb, great minds think alike!

babble on said...

Grouch honey, there is no such thing as too much penis.

Just sayin, is all.

CommieCanuck said...

"They had to say he was an Irishman, because an Italian with a 7 week erection is notta news."

-Mario C.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...Outside should've hired Irishman man to test the bikes... any bike that brought his erection down would fail the test.

thegock said...

ROAD SNOB

Anonymous said...

And then - that fella to the right of purple girl - yeah, that fella with the beer and cigarette- must be Snobbi's long haired twin. No?!

CommieCanuck said...

7WKB ONER

DB said...

Commie at 1:01 for the win.

Babble's Dentist said "Open wider, wider..." said...

BO@100: "Grouch honey, there is no such thing as too much penis." Never met one yet she couldn't swallow.

CommieCanuck said...

Does the Irishman know

Fact #3: Most of the women and men he's been with enjoy the extra penis


CommieCanuck said...

Should say, DoubleDickDude.

McFly said...

I am 98.6% certain that Hairy Jesus got a BJ from fuscha paint bra girl......

Anonymous said...

7 week boner - Podium

Fred Nifacent said...

7 weeks of pissing up? I think I would have seen the doctor afer I peed all over the bathroom at least by the second time.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I wonder if Cav's running a longer stem now. He must not care about goofy tiller effect either.

Roille Figners said...

60 bikes / 20 testers = 3 bikes per person, for a week. That's a little over 2 days per bike, which is plenty for an article I'm not going to read!

Comment deleted said...

Hegnawed, congrats on the top spot.

Plus, I hate yer frickin' pseudonym. Just my opinion, though. Feel free to ignore it.

The Bulgearian said...

You'd think Viagra would bee keen to sponsor a bonerfied up and coming rider like the Irishman man.

82 medici said...

Roille - I missed the point about 20 testers; I defer to your math on an article that I care about even less than you do.

Anonymous said...

Wonder if DoubleDickDude ever loaded up both barrells at once? His penii are side-by-side so you would just need to orientate the girl 90 degrees then fill er up......I bet she gets a lil moany.

The King of Park Slope said...

"Then they moved up to Level Two with some runner diarrhea:"

Hey ... I'm trying to eat my lunch here.

Whats Updock said...

An Irishman man walks into a bar and says, "Barkeep, pour me a shot of your cheapest whiskey."
The barkeep looks at him and says, "Fallen on hard times have we sir?"

Anonymous said...

Aw, c'mon, Snobby!

You must know that to describe the Irishman man's erection boner as "torpid" is poor use of language.

Standards are slipping around here.

Anonymous said...

Anon @ 2:01:

'Penises', not 'penii'. Check your Latin declensions.
I know, I know ... but these little things are important.

Roille Figners said...

It's "turgid," isn't? Didn't even catch that. "Torpid" is that pale-yellow feeling of riding in your mom's pale-yellow '76 Vega and on the crappy AM radio is "One of These Nights" by the Eagles, followed by Neil Sedaka "Laughter in the Rain" and you're like "Jesus will somebody PLEASE invent the Ramones?"

James said...

RUNR POOP

Anonymous said...

Why do naked cyclists have such disdain for Fred bikes?

My theory is it's because Freds are deeply conservative, sexually inhibited, religious nutters and the pic of the naked bike ride is all the proof you'll ever need of that, I'd say.

And of course, it wasn't a Fred bike that brought such great joy to the Irishman man... I rest my case.

Dooth said...

Curious about priapism pronounced with an Irishman accent...

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...all i can say is, i would wish for an accident like irishman man's... but only if i meet McFly's x. i mean... seriously, you can't just put it any where. you risk skinning the boner.

...just sayin'

crosspalms said...

A penile erection. I guess if you're going to call him an Irishman man you have to be specific about what kind of erection he had, too.

Roille Figners said...

The Irishman man sustained a prolonged lasting penile erection boner.

Roille Figners said...

IRSH BONR

Bama Phred said...

Naturist? Sure they show you the pictures of the young thin people and then you get there it's a bunch of fat old hairy people. I can see that every day by just looking in the mirror.

Scranus

Anonymous said...

Anon @ 2:19,

Sorry, bro. I guess you are the resident expert where multiple peniseseses are involved.

Love,
Anon @ 2:01

Regular guy said...

Grueling part of the bike test would be getting the bikes in and out of that truck. What a mess.

Anonymous said...

BIKE SNOB IS A LOSER BIKING GIVES LOWERS YOUR SPERM COUNT AND GIVES YOU RAGING 7 HOUR BONERS

crosspalms said...

Just drop the truck on a top tube, the bikes will all jump out by themselves.

Bonny Bone said...

The latest erectile dysfunction drug will be called 'Top Tube'. Follow it up with a personal cleansing agent called 'Irish Sproing'.

Anonymous said...

Anon 2:01,

As I said dear, small things matter.

Kisses,
Anon 2:19

babble on said...

Anonydingdong@3:09 - You don't know what you're talking about. Snobberdoodles rocks, and seven hours is just a good bit of fun.

Jan! said...

I don't get the Merida joke. "Mark Cavendish now rides the smallest bicycle [-they make][+Merida makes]".

Care to explain?

Anonymous said...

Specialized is a 'design house'; their bikes (many of them) are made by, among others, Merida. Merida also happens to own near half of Specialized (49%? Something like that).

Well, someone had to explain it.

crosspalms said...

Bonny Bone,
"Manly, yes. But I like it too"

JB said...

Hairy Jesus also has some pedal rake on his left shin. Probably trying naked bunny hops to impress the lady folk.

dancesonpedals said...

To: Anons at 2:01, 2:19 & 2:51

From: Dancesonpedals

Re: Multiple Penises (Peni?)

If you have multiple penises & want to practice safe sex, there's a special condom for you that fits likev a glove.

Lucky said...

They're always after me priapism.

Knobgobbler said...

They're magically delicious!

Freddy Murcks said...

Outside Magazine is the grown up version of Boys Life.
irferrf van

Anonymous said...

PRY A PRISM

PRYA PRISM

PRIOR PRISM

PRYER PRISM (richard?)

Babble's Dentist said...

Just one more filling.

Freddy Murcks said...

Priapism in females (continued, painful erection of the clitoris) is also known as clitorism.

7171 829852

Michael said...

And those Outside reviews are about two lines long and will only cover a few of the bikes. I have no understanding of why they even bother, much less act like they are performing such a service for humanity

Babble's Dentist said...

Just a little bit more suction...

Babble's Dentist said...

Let's get you out of the chair and do some floor-ride.

JB said...

Michael at 5:06pm: would you like to take a bunch of brand-new free bikes down to Tucson and ride them for 12 hours a day for a week? Yeah, me too.

Anonymous said...

Irish Schwing?

who needs tiny blue pills? said...

HIGHER TOPTUBES NOW!

that'll fix ya.

and your partnerz

Wonder if Irishman man attempted any feats for Guinness Book of Adult Records whilst suffering?

Then he could write a book about it, sell the tv/movie rights.

Make some cash with that turbocharged torpedo of turgidity!

oh wait, the doc re-flaccidated him already...

babble on said...

Dear dentist.

Re penises: that's right. I can't help it, it's just who I am. But what about you? I have 80% coverage and still I find your deposit hard to swallow.

Anonymous said...

i can't believe we missed this:
http://www.theguardian.com/sport/video/2014/jan/14/world-mountain-bike-chariot-racing-championships-video

Anonymous said...

I can only hope the TLC network gives the Irishman Man his due on their new show. Sex sent me to the ER.

http://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/sex-sent-me-to-the-er

McFly said...

What's the condition called for excessive wetness?Seriously after 2 or 3 months i starting puttin a towel down. She was all "I am sorry I know I am not normal...." I was like Ohhhhhhhh its nawt a problem baby. At. All.


DRPC LOTH

ouabacher said...

Anon 3:09
I was always under the impression that WCRM is was am a LOOSER.

Anonymous said...

Need an education.

The last of the three boner killing photo's.. Please god, please.. tell me that is not a woman... who/what is she/he?

Cipo said...

60 bicycles in a week? Meh.

Try a hundred nimble young groupies in 4 days then talk to me.

7 weeks or 7 hours? said...

Purple painted breasts babe, to her right rear are a bunch of guys painted red, are they Washington Redskins fans?

The Italian Supreme Court said...

Cipo is filing a deformation of character suit against Commie Canuck for having used the word Irishman in the same sentence with Italian and erection.

Cipo said...

The 2nd girl behind the pink flag(the girl with glasses) has those smallish pointy tits. Why do smallish pointy tits turn me on? Never had a girl with smallish pointy tits.
1) Had peach tits

2) Had big D cups

3) Had flat tits(with long nipples)
4) Had med size floppy tits

5) Need smallish & pointy

Will Obama Care treat a 7 week erection? said...

The "Union Rules" photo. I strangely like the fact that she appears to be as flat chested as a pancake. In that position she has a great view of the crack in his liberty bell.

JlLRB said...

Mx fly

I think it is called Seattle

Anonymous said...

I've heard Paul McCartney referred to as "The Cute Beatle" but never"The Boner Killer"

Anonymous said...

If you ever get an opportunity to court(fuck) a girl with no tits and a NICE ASS then do it. They will totally use the ass to compensate for the lack of breasts. Every. Damn. Time.

It's science.

Anonymous said...

Also: if all of 'Outside' magazine's test bikes had top tube pads, they wouldn't have needed to break out the shipping blankets.

Anonymous said...

It is not clear to me what value the Outside testing methodology of "we spend a full week riding them hard" brings. There aren't that many straddled Irishmen riding bicycles while waiting for doctors appointments! Perhaps they should wear a little looser lycra.