Members Only: The Case For Top Tube Pads (Remember Those?)

Obviously, when it comes to international cycling news, one headline has been dominating the world's media:

An Irishman man was left with a seven-week penile erection after he suffered a straddle injury on the crossbar of his mountain bike.

I'm glad they clarified that he was an "Irishman man," because his gender was not already clear from: a) The word "Irishman," and b) the erection.  Nevertheless, this article flies in the face of years of anti-cycling hysteria, since until now cycling was supposed to make you impotent.  So now he have to contend with the fact that sometimes it will make you impotent, whereas other times it will give you a raging perma-boner?  We just can't win!

Fuck it, I'm buying a Hyundai.

Still, it couldn't have been all bad, since the victim appears to have enjoyed the boner for a full five weeks before finally seeking help:

The 22-year-old endured the distressing condition for five weeks before seeking help from doctors at Tallaght Hospital in Dublin.

At which point doctors attempted to restore flaccidity to the torpid member by administering a series of visual erection deterrents.  First they started with some Level One erection-aversion therapy:

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Then they moved up to Level Two with some runner diarrhea:



And finally they took out the big guns and forced the patient to confront an image known to urologists as "The Boner Killer:"

(Irish doctors go nuclear)

Why they didn't just make the guy ride a fixed-gear bicycle with a misadjusted saddle for a few hours is beyond me.

Anyway, nothing the doctors did worked, and if anything the erection only grew more persistent--so eventually they had no other choice but to "get in there:"

Doctors had to insert a catheter, a flexible tube through a narrow opening, into the man's pelvic artery.

The delicate treatment saw the doctors inserting foam and coils into the artery, mindful that it carried a small risk of impotence.

Interestingly, the mechanics of his penis now work exactly like a "dropper" seatpost.



In fact, Specialized now has a trademark on his dong.

Speaking of the world's most litigious bike company, Mark Cavendish now rides the smallest bicycle they make Merida makes:

Cavendish has moved from last year's 52cm frame to a 49cm one – the smallest size that Specialized offers despite standing at a decidedly average 1.75m (5ft 8in). Given the smaller frame's similar reach but lower stack, one might rightfully assume that Cavendish has switched by suggestion of his fitter in order to get himself even lower and more aerodynamic during sprint finishes.

That may very well be the end result but according to Specialized Body Geometry fit manager Sean Madsen, it's all about feel.

"He just made this change on his own," Madsen said. "The reason he gave was that he liked the feeling; no real reasoning behind it."

Cavendish's sudden, arbitrary preference for the feel of small things has sent his partner Peta Todd into a panic, and her breast reduction surgery is now scheduled for Thursday:

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(Bad news for Peta: Cavendish is off big.)

Incidentally, here is how the Irishman man reacts when he views images of Peta Todd:



And here's the Man(x) Missile's tiny clown bike:

Which I include only to note the obligatory "disembodied hand:"

Yes, when it comes to disembodied hand models, Cyclingnews uses on the best in the business, and here they are staying limber in between shoots:

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(Union rules require two (2) disembodied hand models per bicycle.)

It takes an incredible amount of flexibility and strength to keep your body out of the frame while simultaneously holding a bicycle aloft with two digits, and obviously the models can't be constrained by clothing.  The only problem is that shoots like this tend to draw "looky-loos," especially when they take place on a public beach:


"Hey, what do you want from me?," says the aroused Irishman man as he loiters behind the photographer.  "I have a legitimate medical condition."

In other small bike news, remember when it used to be obligatory when selling a used bicycle to specify that it's great for "fixed-gear conversions?"  Well, it's 2014 now, so you have to add "gravel grinder" and "cyclocross bike" too:

Trek 750 Multi Track 44cm bicycle 700c wheels - $250 (Financial District)

Classic True Temper Steel frame Trek 770 44cm bicycle 700c wheels in good condition. It has 18 speeds and cantilever brakes. Perfect bike for a teen or petite woman. Great bike to convert to fixie, gravel grinder or cyclocross bike.

Yeah, that's not really a great bike to convert into any of those things, though I think it would benefit tremendously from a dropper seatpost, which is rapidly becoming the bar-end of the 21st century.

Lastly, while searching the Internet for "Naked Outside Yoga" I came across some publication called "Outside," who are gearing up for a big bike test which they say will be "one of the most comprehensive and grueling bike test programs of any publication on the market:"

Bike reviews in some magazines are little more than promotional copy for a list of randomly selected models. That’s not the case at Outside. To choose the bikes we review, we conduct one of the most comprehensive and grueling bike test programs of any publication on the market.

So what will this grueling test consist of?

The meat of the tests are in early January, beginning today. After loading up a 26-foot Penske with over 60 bikes and carting them to Tucson, we spend a full week riding them hard. Three days are devoted to road bikes and three to mountain bikes, with a floater day for tie-breakers and anything that was missed or forgotten.

Holy shit!  They're going to ride each of the bikes for three days?  Talk about grueling!

Of course, the sad thing is that this probably is one of the most comprehensive and grueling bike test programs of any publication on the market.

I really, really hope someone steals that truck.