Wednesday, January 29, 2014

I'm Wearing My Wednesday Face, But I'm Still In Monday's Pants.



(You better run, you fuckers.)

Yesterday I mentioned that some time ago the following happened:

...a woman drove into me from behind on Vanderbilt Avenue in Brooklyn on the pretense that she "didn't see me,"... 

Actually, that wasn't her excuse.  I'm just so used to hearing it I typed it automatically.  No, what she said to me after I gathered myself up off of the street, dragged myself to her, and asked her why she had hit me, was this: "I thought I could get around you."

Of course, that's not what she told the cops or the insurance company.  No, what she told them was that I rode into her.  Yes, that's right.  After hitting me from behind and then admitting to me that she saw me, tried to get around me, and failed, she simply told everyone else that I rode my bicycle into her car.

I was pretty livid when her insurance company told me this, but all they were really concerned about was whether or not I was wearing a helment.

I guess our only recourse is to ride around with cameras rolling at all times, which is highly depressing, but then again the world is a depressing place, so I guess it doesn't matter.

Anyway, this was a few years ago now, so I hope horrible things are happening to her, and I'd totally high-five Jesus if I learned she were dying.  She did have cankles like an elephant's so hopefully that points to something fatal.

Meanwhile, here in New York City, "Vision Zero" is really heating up, and police have gone from beating the crap out of jaywalkers to firing on drivers who fail to yield:


Though actually they didn't start shooting until the driver tried to run them over:

According to the NYPD, the officers followed Henry to Morris Park Avenue and Taylor Street, where he plowed his black Chrysler Town and Country up onto the sidewalk. When officers approached the vehicle a second time, Henry allegedly drove straight at them, so they opened fire at the vehicle. Henry sped off a second time, but then crashed into a telephone pole at Wyatt Street and Morris Park Avenue.

At which point the police found a crapload of drugs and charged the driver with the following:

Criminal Possession of Controlled Substances
Criminal Possession of Narcotics
Reckless Endangerment
Criminal Diversion of Prescription Drugs
Obstructing Governmental Administration
Criminal Nuisance
Vehicular Assault
Resisting Arrest
Leaving the Scene of an Accident Causing Injury
Assault
Criminal Possession of a Weapon
Operating a Motor Vehicle Impaired by Drugs
Aggravated Unlicensed Operator
Disorderly Conduct

Note "failure to yield to pedestrian" is not on the list.  In fact, the irony is that if the driver had simply run the pedestrian down in the first place and remained at the scene none of this would have happened.  Instead, the police would simply have declared "no criminality suspected" and sent him on his way.  I mean come on, that's New York City Getaway Car Driving 101!  As soon as the police spot you, mow down a pedestrian.  It's the second-best thing to having a smokescreen and an oil slick.

Speaking of misplaced faith in helments, reader, commenter, and bon viveur (or misanthrope, I'm honestly not sure) Paul Bowen tells me that a Scottish cycling PSA has been banned due to flagrant helmentless riding:


Cycling Scotland aired a TV campaign telling motorists to "treat a cyclist the way you treat a horse", and ending with a helmet-less female cyclist pedalling down the centre of a road.

What does that mean?  Ride them hard and put them away wet?  Then this:

The ad ended with the text: "See Cyclist. Think Horse."

Ha, ha, Scotland, we're one step ahead of you here in Canada's Underpants.  We've been treating horses and cyclists the same way for years:


Ultimately though, here's why they banned the advert(isement):

The Advertising Standards Authority received five complaints that the ad was irresponsible and harmful, because the cyclist had no safety gear at all and should have been travelling close to the kerb.

Well, using powerful Internet searching technology, I was able to find the ad, and it's actually pretty funny:



And yes, the cycling is wild and out of control, the rider boldly taunting death, her scarlet hair screaming "Kill me" to the grimmest of reapers:


I'd support a re-shoot of the PSA in which the cyclist wears a helment, just as long as they make the driver of the Mercedes wear one too, along with a flame-retardant suit, and they should also fit the Mercedes with a rollbar while they're at it.

Sad that even outside of America people are completely retardant when it comes to cycling, though there is a glimmer of hope in that riding Citi Bikes in arctic temperatures is now the new smugness:



Many who slog through the slush appear motivated, at least in part, by the respect afforded to them by fellow cyclists in the fierce conditions. Pictures of snowy Citi Bike rides across Manhattan and Brooklyn have peppered Facebook and Twitter all month, doubling as digital badges of honor.

“We’re doing it for the look on people’s faces,” said Joel Potischman, 45, from Boerum Hill, Brooklyn, who on Jan. 7 posted a picture of himself atop the Manhattan Bridge in 4-degree weather.


Oh, come on.  Who does he think he is, this guy?


Minnesota Guy doesn't even bother to put on pants for four degrees.

Lastly, Cadel Evans is "coming for pink:"


I really didn't need to know that.

126 comments:

ken e. said...

pode!

ken e. said...

i'd like to thank all the steep headtubes that have ever flung me through space.

Anonymous said...

Podio?

Anonymous said...

SMBs BABs

bike dude said...

top ten and read it two

Anonymous said...

Top Tensies!

toothpickian said...

Long time reader, first time podioer.

babble on said...

Wednesday, Wednesday! Do dooooo do de do de do...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Toppus tennus

trama said...

sadly dashcams on handelbras might be the answer.

CRAP DEAL

Spokey said...

well at least top baker's dozen




gualiea have

four hour erection said...

elbowed out again

dnk said...

The "See Cyclist, Think Horse" video is a clever, funny, and hopefully effective PSA.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Pee-ouw

Anonymous said...

smoke weed everyday

DB said...

Rode hard and put away wet.

Anonymous said...

When I got hit by a car, all the driver had to say was, "I knew you were there, but I couldn't see you." I felt like punching him in his neck.

DB said...

That was a clever PSA.
Wonder what the Koch Brothers could do with that?

babble on said...

Neiiiiiiiigh! Give me a bit of room or I'll stomp on your toes!

McFly said...

What no "whores" jokes?

Anonymous said...

Boerum Hill, Brooklyn? Is it cool to live there? I haven't heard it mentioned before, should I move there?

Comment deleted said...

I don't get it...treat cyclists like bike messengers? How does that work?

Joseph Merrick said...

I am not a horse

Regular guy said...

What exactly was standing out down under when Cadel was coming for pink?

Spokey said...

I've never been hit by a car. The closest was when I was about 10 feet behind me bro on our way to 'lil sis' house for 4 july. We were going straight through an intersection when a woman passed us and turned right in to him.

The woman said "I thought you were going to turn".

He was well in to the intersection and obviously not signalling anything.

Fortunately he always wear a helment so the local gendarmes let him go with a warning.



itmtsp william

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Regular Guy

...it's not what was STANDING OUT, rather it was what was STANDING UP, when he went down under.

...Cadel was obviously upset, so he decided to COME FOR PINK.

[cars elivlak: does that mean cars are bike messengers?]

Capt Obvious said...

Evans should realize that he has no chance at pink, but if he bought a Honda he'd be surrounded by pussy.

Dustin Diamond said...

When drivers see me riding my bicycle, they think horse for a different reason.

Horses Arse said...

"I was wrong. I shouldn't have allowed my emotions to get the better of me and lose my cool. I have apologized to Michael Scotto, which he graciously accepted, and will be scheduling a lunch soon”

The King of Park Slope said...

I could portage a lot of women and wine if I were a horse.

Vernal Magina said...

See cyclist, think Coming for Horse Pink.

DerZoots said...

Wednesday is my day off.
I am using the vaporizer.
Wicked fun.

You folks still making fun of whatshisname?

Anonymous said...

So you didnt like getting pounded from behind by a woman. Get over it, man. Everybody goes through experimental phases and does things they are not proud of.

Anonymous said...

Was hit once by a car, it was my fault. Been doored twice, their fault. the weather here in NYC fucking sucks, haven't been on my bike in like two weeks, not even to ride to work. My bikes are just mockingly sitting in my living room and gathering dust. My winter riding rules are: (1) I don't ride when it is below 25 and (2) I don't ride when there is snow on the ground. This has been pretty much every day in January. At least there is booze. Now I know what it must feel like to live in a place like Finland. You sit in doors all winter and get drunk. Poor me.

Regular guy said...

It's coming, horses are the new hipster obsession. I think I'll start making artisanal leather craft for horse commuting. Will Strava work for horseback riding?

Lob called and needs an answer today said...

Dear WRM,
Yesterday you told us you point your rear quick release (no pun intended) at your scranus to let [Jesus] "know where he can kiss me," but today you want to "high-five Jesus" for exacting a revengeful, karma-induced death on some bitch with elephant cankles. Make up you mind dude. You can't sell your soul to Satan and still expect Jesus to do your dirty work.

lucky cyclist said...

The esteemed Mr. Snob:
If you look into it I think you will find that horses have more legal protection in NYS than cyclists.
Several years ago when a man drove into an Amish buggy in Lewis county, he was charged with something like driving to close a horse. Actually if I remember correctly, he killed the horse, but not the Amish youth driving the buggy, and he fucked up the buggy.

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Etherhuffer said...

I been through the desert on a bike with no name....

WI rider said...

I had some teenagers yell at me to "get a horse" once. I am the horse!

I think pink too when Someone wants kudos for riding in 4 degree weather. Come to the Midwest...

WI rider said...

I had some teenagers yell at me to "get a horse" once. I am the horse!

I think pink too when Someone wants kudos for riding in 4 degree weather. Come to the Midwest...

Regular guy said...

Don't ride if it's below 25? And no snow on the ground? Wuss, my kid has been riding in colder temps than that since he was 5, snow or no snow.

Just get drunk and forget about it.

Etherhuffer said...

They shoot bikes, don't they?

babble on said...

Anon @ 1:08 Nah. The Finns don't let a little snow slow them down. It's like a badge of honour...

Anonymous said...

4 degrees celsius is an achievement? - that's not even hardcore, even our kids consider that decent riding weather here in Canada

Etherhuffer said...

How do you make a horse laugh?
Tell him your bottom bracket is bigger than his.

How do you make a horse cry?
Show him your bottom bracket.

Regular guy said...

I always yell "get a bike" at people riding horses.

E-huffer said...

Shonen Pferdrad, nein?

streepo said...

With all the time he spends on a bicycleen saddle i'd be very surprised if Cadel evans can come at all.

scranus

Mr. Ed said...

Horses are smarter than bikes, Wilbur

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Horses should have to wear helments.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Roille Figners said...

Smokescreen? Oil slick? SOMEONE used to play SPYHUNTER!

“We’re doing it for the look on people’s faces,” said Joel Potischman, 45, from Boerum Hill, Brooklyn.

And here I thought "to fucking get someplace" was a good enough reason.

Regular guy said...

RF, Brooklynites are only motivated by the looks on peoples faces, you should know that by now.

RoadQueen said...

No comment. SMH

crosspalms said...

See Honda, think heated cat bed.

Jesus said...

High five dude

Mongo said...

Mongo love jesus

dancesonpedals said...

I think we should serve bike d'oeuvres at our cocktail party

RoadQueen said...

Can't we all just get along?

Hay...it could happen.

mikeweb said...

So if I understand this correctly, Joel took a Citibike across the Manhattan bridge for what is basically a dick waving expedition? Metaphorically speaking, of course.

To paraphrase Wildcat, why doesn't he just masturbate in public?

RoadQueen said...

mikeweb: I think you're going out on a limb here to assume that his dick waving was metaphorical. I mean, common....

commie said...

Oh come on Snob, You ran into her, we know what you were doing.

Backwards, in the rain, down a mountain at 50mph. At least he was wearing a helment.

RoadQueen said...

Hey RCT:

funny you should mention

Been thinking about getting one for my guy 'cause, ya know...he's kinda 'special'.

Roille Figners said...

Somebody say Hay?

See bike, think horse.

Think horse, think cow.

commie said...

To paraphrase Wildcat, why doesn't he just masturbate in public?

This sounds like the next Rob Ford video.

Anonymous said...

I think the NSA can hack the new GoPros while they're recording.

Hey, it COULD happen!

My friend who was knocked over by a car service Lincoln SUV in September on 5th Ave + 6th Street Brooklyn was tod by the cops that the car service guy said the bike hit the car and left.
nice.
con sative

vsk

Roille Figners said...

Is it weird that the biggest city in Canada's gun holster has such a fuckin incompetent police force?

Spokey said...

Anon @ 1:08 PM

Completely agree. As long as we're talking degrees Centigrade.

If you're talking F, then well that kind of insane talk is for you youngersters. I suppose those under 60 can tolerate those deadly temps, but we humans can't.

JLRB said...

Wasn't "just to see the look on their faces" a line in the original scared straight (explaining why dudes in prison will ass rape)

CommieCanuck said...

The whole Russian car cam thing is due to a combination of shitty drivers, vodka, and crap police. Drivers need the cams to protect themselves legally and from lawsuits, so a teeny bike cam inserted in the anus is likely the next big thing in cycling. A slightly lighter version at sixteen times the price will be the next thing after that.

JLRB said...

RF - Your song forwards or so says the tubeU

Spokey said...

queenie

is that helment ANSI or at least Snell certified?

Comment deleted said...

Roille, never ascribe to incompetence that which can be explained by corruption.

JLRB said...

Nobody cares, but, due to shitty weather and other reasons (excuses) I have driven the carbon gasification machine I own to work for almost 2 months without a bicycle commute. What have I learned? I hate my fucking job.

Bicycles are the opium of the bored middle aged office worker.

dancesonpedals said...

I hit a car while riding on the sidewalk (dumb) I was taking a 1/2 block short cut to avoid the light at Ft Wash & 165...a taxi entered the driveway of columbia presbyterian apartments & I plowed into him at 25 mph...seperated my shoulder...I had a lawyer who advertised in Transportation Alternatives represent me & I got $15,000 dollars...1/3 to my lawyer, Bart...hard way to earn 10k

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

I'm a horse, eh?
That explains the gigantic steamer I decided to leave in the middle if Kenmore Square this afternoon AND why women can't get enough of me

wishiwasmerckx said...

You might be coming to pink, too, if you were married to Chiara: https://www.google.com/search?q=cadel+evans+wife+chiara&espv=210&es_sm=93&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=GlrpUoX_D8S6yQHHlIHoBQ&

wishiwasmerckx said...

Their first child:

http://resources1.news.com.au/images/2014/01/11/1226799/515933-cb06af82-7a4c-11e3-abd3-ac86fade2183.jpg

Dooth said...

So, if a motorist sees me and thinks horse, do I take that as a compliment?

And btw, Wildcat, if you shot that cat picture, did you notice if the tabby had the pointy tip of its left ear missing?
If he did...I KNOW HIM! He answers to Scratchy, seriously. He's a feral who hunts around the local golf courses. Small world.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Their second child:
http://resources0.news.com.au/images/2008/07/22/1111116/980344-cadel-relieved-but-determined.jpg

wishiwasmerckx said...

Should somebody take Cadel aside and break the news to him?

JLRB said...

HE IS GOING TO EXPLODE

Spokey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RoadQueen said...

Spokey: No, but they do come in leather as well.





curtains ofoymgr

Spokey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spokey said...

wishiwasmerckx

You forgot to note that the second child is really a set of
http://extras.mnginteractive.com/live/media/site25/2012/0328/20120328__29cdsbik_300.jpg

twins

RoadQueen said...

By the way, Snob - is that your car the cats are scattering from? I thought you had a Hyundai, not a Honda?

If that is your Honda, your scranus must be getting pretty warm, because LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!

:) Always remember your backwards facing helmet cam to go along with your front facing handlebar cam!

babble on said...

RQ - thank you for the horse-joins-the-race video. So horses only stick around cause people feed them...

In the spirit of sharing, I would be remiss if I neglected to share this with you peeps, cause I didn't even know there was one good reason to lift weights with my vagina, let alone ten.

Regular guy said...

Finns don't drink because it's winter, they drink because they like the taste.

Spokey said...

babs

that's why I read this blog. For the articles




cprome fucceffion

babble on said...

Right? We're such a well informed community. :)

ouabacher said...

........just to see the look on their face.- Anthony Keidis

Comment deleted said...

Babs, if you take this up, may I spot you?

Regular guy said...

I wear my Monday pants all the way to Friday.

DB said...

Thanks for the Huffpost article, Babs. I just forwarded it to my wife.

Roille Figners said...

I wear my Monday pants again on Wednesday & Friday.

Roille Figners said...

...and then of course my Tuesday pants, which I re-wear on Thursday.

RoadQueen said...

Babble - thanks for the informative video! *sigh* of course now my workouts are going to take another half-hour or so...

"What are you doing in there?!"

Um....working out?

rypeenr supreme

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and 100th!

dancesonpedals said...

i'm never going to get the attention i crave...i tell a heart-felt tale of my bike accident and how i profited, then babs plays the 'pumping iron with my hoohoo' card

ainm imalmum

RoadQueen said...

Dances - I read your horrific story, I'm just glad you're ok. :)

wishiwasmerckx said...

My girlfriend lifts like that.

She has a vagina of steel. You can cunt-punch her, but you will probably break your hand.

In fact, last week, while pleasuring her orally, I chipped a tooth. (I was using my patented "driver's ed" method, with my hands at 10 and 2.)

She can also do the splits, which comes in handy if I drop a quarter or something.

She's amazing!

dancesonpedals said...

Thanks RQ...that was in 1995 and all is fine with the shoulder

wishiwasmerckx said...

I would like to apologize to my real-world girlfriend, who nonetheless has a slightly-above-average vagina.

Flyover BC said...

Still commuting at about 15 degrees, NEW Mexican (same as 'mercin).

Not trying to reduce my carbon footprint (slim chance with all the beans I eat).

Just trying to reduce my lardy butt print.

Anyway, I got center punched few years ago. The guy got out and swore that he was backing up, but couldn't explain the plastic pieces broken from the front of his truck.

Text Message said...

well at least top baker's dozen

McFly said...

Could you get me some contact info on the porcelain skinned Scottish Ginger? I have never pollinated a strawberry patch and its on my bucket list. Its #7, right after shoot a grenade launcher at a Chevrolet Celebrity. I dont care what year.

JLRB said...

Holy shit there are pictures of pussy right here

Roille Figners said...

Strawberry Fields Forever...

JLRB said...

Dances - I care a lot - glad you recovered 19 years later

reminds me of a story

ouabacher said...

JLRB I must be a glutton for dissapointment.....clicked on your link twice!

Bogart Patrol said...

ken e @ 12:17 (top of podium) ken e @ 12:20 (2nd step of podium). don't bogart that joint (podium).

Strength Training said...

Babble and Road Queen: There was a movie called "Blazing Saddle", you two are each going to have one.

ken e. said...

@ "...my friend"
I was going to break down the top offenders in the third spot, but lost gumption thinking about various frames (and one horse) that shared a long history of flying and abrupt stopping.
helments for horses indeed.

babble on said...

SADDDLES? We don't need no stinking saddles. I am NOT a wabbit.

OMG that was one of the BEST movies ever. Ever.

babble on said...

Sorry dancing dude. I am a craven attention seeker at heart. Can't help it.

It always encourages me just how many of us actually survive, despite our war wounds...
God knows I always thank my lucky stars to see another day.

Anonymous said...

How many reps does it take before you......feel the burn? Who spots you? Do you wipe the equipment down after a set? You ever sprained a lip? Do you warm up with some "finger curls?"

Vegas said...

A bike is a horse, of course, of course.

If it's not Scottish, it's CRAP!

And really we're all coming for pink. So console yourself with that.

Euro Spondee said...

For a Scottish PSA, that was an awfully southern accent. Apart from that, spot on.

simonnix said...

If you're familiar with the Australian euphemistic usage of the word 'root' the Evans article is funnier still.

Anonymous said...

Criminal Diversion of Prescription Drugs....I like the sound of that.

Way to scare the pussy off. It just wants somebody to keep it warm.

JB said...

Guten morgen, Herr Rock Machine!

Anonymous said...

"Who says minivan drivers don't get pussy?" etc.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...lady cyclists will benefit from the time in the gym when the unfortunate theft a saddle happens... and whether or not a seatpost is left behind doesn't matter, just ride your bike off while seated with the power of your hoohoo.:

REAL WORLD PROBLEM; REAL WORLD SOLUTION for the ladies only.

BamaPhred said...

Looked like my cats on that Honda hood, glad they survived the UPS delivery to your manse.
The motto here is See Cyclist, think Horse, beat Both
Scranus