Monday, January 13, 2014

Cycling In The Family Way

First of all, yesterday marked the conclusion of the Cyclocross National Championships in Boulder, CO, the city that makes Portland seem diverse and down-to-earth:


I'd just like to congratulate the competitors, because you're all winners--unless of course you didn't win a national title in your particular category, in which case you're a total loser.

Also, hands up everybody who went on and on about what tire pressure and tread pattern they "ran" during the race, even if you were a total non-factor just like in every other race you did during the season.  Okay, let's see: one, two, ten, yeah, everybody.

There is nothing more tedious in cycling than listening to a mediocre cyclocross racer opine about optimal equipment setup.

Nothing.

Yet they all do it.

All of them.

Hey, if you're deeply interested in whether tubular or tubeless is the better setup for the B race in the vacant lot behind the shopping mall then good for you, but I'd much rather "geek out" on more important cycling matters, like riding while pregnant:


The official line from the NHS is clear cut – cycling is a definite no-no. The NHS website contains a list of sports to avoid, and cycling is included alongside horse riding, downhill skiing and gymnastics. The reason? All these activities have “a risk of falling”. 

Yes, cycling while pregnant is a "no-no" here in Canada's unkempt pubic thatch too (and probably in Canada for that matter), mostly because we're a safety-obsessed culture that is completely delusional about what is actually safe, and nobody has figured out how to get a helment onto a fetus yet. You know what's perfectly acceptable while pregnant though?  Hurtling along an expressway in an easily-flippable SUV at 75mph.  No risk of falling there, of course.

Of course, most enlightened people realize that riding a bicycle while pregnant is a perfectly reasonable thing to do, and to that end the above article gives some good advice--though it neglects to point out that as your pregnancy progresses you might be much more comfortable on a recumbent:


In fact, in bicycle-friendly countries such as the Netherlands it's perfectly normal to deliver your child while cycling on a dedicated "birthing bicycle:"


(Front modesty panel ensures privacy during labor.)

Meanwhile, in Portland, bicycle water births are increasingly common, and "velo-doula" is rapidly overtaking barista as the number one occupation in that city:



Most mothers who have bicycle water births do so at home, but increasing numbers are opting for bars and popular brunch spots.

Speaking of safety, here in New York City, the whole "Vision Zero" thing is so far still an empty mayoral campaign promise:



Everytime someone is killed in traffic while de Blasio is mayor, we will use a twitter campaign to remind him of his promise to achieve Vision Zero by 2024 and let him know if he is on course to fulfill that promise.

Don't get too exited about how the cyclists are doing either, since the only reason for the zero is that first two weeks of 2014 consisted of a blizzard followed by a polar vortex, which meant that the only cyclists out there were the ones who know better than to follow traffic laws.

Yes, ironically, following traffic laws on your bicycle in New York City can be dangerous--but not as dangerous as simply standing in a Popeyes:


No criminality suspected, but deliciousness was confirmed.

79 comments:

Gaffer Smythe said...

Oceans in motion

CommieCanuck said...

meh?

samh said...

Pregnant cyclocross.

CommieCanuck said...

Meh!

CommieCanuck said...

The only thing more dangerous than standing in a Popeyes is eating the "food".

CommieCanuck said...

Well, if no one else is going to show up..

samh said...

I do believe this is one of the widest podium spreads in RTMS history.

CommieCanuck said...

It's this birthing bike of mine, much lower drag...it's actually a tandem, I just yell, "push--breathe--push".

theEel said...

weed!

CommieCanuck said...

There musta been a crash before the last corner, or someone did a "Cinzano" to another rider.

Jasper said...

Well he is a bit early doors today

Anonymous said...

So Snobby--are you pregnant?

CommieCanuck said...

No top ten for you, bitches.

mikeweb said...

Canadian invasion of the podium/ top ten.

They can have my maple syrup when they pry it from my cold dead hands.

Anonymous said...

Dutch pregnant women keep riding their bikes as long as they physically can. Falling? Why would they. There is no reason to fall. So they don't.
Especially when they ride their bakfiets or even better their battery powered electrical supported bakfiets. Look at them go at 25km/h!

Roille Figners said...

Early one today.

CommieCanuck said...

Maple syrup? You do realize that's just high fructose corn syrup and beaver piss?

BVER PISS

streepo said...

scranus

streepo said...

How do you mistake a Popeye's for a Dunkin Donuts?

g. said...

I read an article this weekend about how a cab, while turning against the light, ran over an 8 year old and his grandfather (in the crosswalk). The kid died, grampy hospitalized and 'no charges were filed against the driver'. After the constant news feed here, I didn't really even blink at the thought of it.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Meet the new boss same as the old boss.

Nice to see the babe again.

babble on said...

LOL! But you know someone is working hard to figure out how to put a helmet on a fetus.

How ridiculous...

Riding preggers is a fuck of a lot easier than walking preggers.

Anonymous said...

NHS = Britain's National Health Service. That article is from the UK, not Canada's scranus!!

the jimboner said...

The wind of heaven is that which blows between a bike messenger's ears. ~Arabian Proverb

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 11:57am,

Yes. We know.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

JB said...

Recumbabe!!!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Riding preggers? Pshaw!

Connie Carpenter Phinney actually rode to the hospital whilst in labor to deliver Taylor.

Now that is badass!

Fetish guy said...

Riding preggers is a fuck of a lot easier than walking preggers.

I like riding preggers.

Yarpo said...

Maybe Popeyes is the target of choice for 2014, since crashing your motor vehicle into a Dunkin' Donuts is soooo 2013...like, get with it, man!

Thundersticks and barrier drumming to the Gaffer, the Commie, and the samh in an amazing three-meh breakaway that stayed away for all the glory and the all-you-can-eat prize at their nearest Popeyes. Keep an eye on the window, gents, and be ready to leap out of the way when the SUV comes in like a Patton tank to crush the shit out of you (with no criminality suspected). Congrats and be careful!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The birthing bikecycle needs a couple eyes and some shark teeth like the old WW2 fighter planes.

Roille Figners said...

hahaha: "velo-doula"

VELO DULA


Yeah the "risk of falling"... I'm like, the last time I just "fell" off a bike was when I was about 8.(*) Every other time, I was FUCKED WITH.

(*) I am conveniently "leave"ing out the "wet November partially-decomposed leaf-mush incident of 2002."

McFly said...

As long as you do not start out on a recumbent. Because no one will have sex with you.

Because you are on a 'bent. They are the birth-control pill of the cycling werld.

Nice job, CC.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...recumbabe would just not look so great in a velomobile

mikeweb said...

My opinion is that the Dunkin' Donut car crash phenomenon is a 'black ops' project to scare people into using the drive thru instead so that the company doesn't have to pay for as much square footage inside their stores.

Popeyes has obviously caught onto this tactic.

Just follow the money.

Or it could be that a lot of drivers are fucking idiots.

Growing up I remember the phrase 'the driver hit the gas instead of the brake...' when describing auto crashes. Can anyone pinpoint exactly when cars became sentient beings that operate themselves and even make mistakes just like humans do?

Freddy Murcks said...

If some of the ladies want to try riding while pregnant, I'd be happy to help them get started.

difference compsetu

3G said...

Recumbabe looks to be in the ideal breast feeding position

Anonymous said...

Am I crazy or is the oven hotter and moister during Epic Preggers Sexy Times?

balls™ said...

Great. Now all I can't think about is Popeye's shrimp po-boy. Well, almost all I can think of...


unkempt pubic thatch, for the win!

Comment deleted said...

SUV drivers have a daunting environment to navigate, what with in-car entertainment systems, integrated navigation/audio/photon torpedo control panels and of course, never-idle cell phones.

Show a little compassion for our super-sized road brothers and sisters. They're doing the best they can. If they occasionally flatten a flimsy bicycle/ist or give an architectural update to a fast-food shop, you have to let it slide.

Leave SUV drivers alone!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

.رياح السماء هي التي تهب بين الأذنين رسول الدراجة

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...the jimboner, you're welcome.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...not only will a pregger be more comfortable on a bent at the later stages of pregnancy, she'll be in an ideal position to be her own velo-dula... you just need a little basket for the little bugger.

Tad Salyards said...

Here's a cycling while pregnant article that may actually restore some of your faith in humanity: http://bloomablog.com/would-you-bike-while-pregnant-or-in-labor/

Yes, that's my wife on a bike while extremely preggers and (GASP) not even wearing a helment.

db said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mikeweb said...

Cd @ 12:46,

You should plaster that comment all over the NY Post, Daily News, NYT, Gothamist, etc. etc. comment boards for a nice Colbert effect.

JLRB said...

Looks like a snodium

JLRB said...

Specialized will be coming out with a preggers specific bike trademark tomorrow

Anonymous said...

Was stopped at the SW corner of 59th and 5th yesterday as a family crossed in front of me. Quick as a flash the young girl was on the street having stumbled in a pothole. Scratch walking while pregnant

Yarpo said...

Wait! What's all this in the news about thousands of subway riders going pants-free today?

Snob! Like, wouldn't you be The Leader of such an event as this? I mean, aren't you spiritually Riding Pants-Less in the Subway of Life anyway? Are you holding a pants-less press conference later on? Was the Foldy-Bits Bike involved?

Inquiring minds want to know!

Anonymous said...

This weekend a 9 year old kid was killed and his dad injured about a block from my apartment (97th and West End) by a cab taking a left turn. But don't worry, justice will be served the driver was given a summons for failing to yield.

Anonymous said...

Is there possibly an Aero Advantage?

Yarpo said...

Excuse me, International Pantsless Subway Thing was on Sunday...which means that Snob probably was a Chief Pantstigator, since that's a day off from his strenuous blogging activities.

Explain!

Anonymous said...

Okay, so that's a fairly late model Toyota 4Runner.

What exactly is it good for? It can't even jump a curb and punch through a brick wall without injuring both its passengers and getting itself totaled (or pretty close to it)?

Toyota better issue a recall, with a warning that they did not appropriately design the car to meet American drivers' expectations.

SUVs and handguns seem to suffer from opposing paradoxes: people buy SUVs "because they're safer," and then they become invincible ... until they aren't, because they tried to drive through a building, or take a corner at 45 mph. Meanwhile, many people who own handguns "for protection" (and let's be honest, they're often the same people you see driving Sherman tanks to work in the morning) are in no need of protection whatsoever, because they don't ever do anything but drive their cars from their white-bread suburbs to their corporate office parks.

Roille Figners said...

Anon 2:11 - they're the same scairt lil' bitches in both cases.

Anonymous said...

McFly, any update on the Uzzi shock situation? Sorry, been outta the loop for the past few days.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 2:11, you can have my Range Rover when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

Occasional Commenter Tom said...

My partner definitely concurs with Babbs on this one. Riding while pregnant is easier than walking while pregnant. She rode her bike to work until she got too uncomfortable for it (around 5 and a half months), which more or less coincided with the arrival of this year's snow and ice. If I'd installed some upright/pullback bars she could have probably kept cycling, but for the ice.

Yes, some people thought we were crazy. But then those were generally the same people who think we are crazy for riding bikes at all. And for living in a walkable urban neighbourhood where the ratio of white-people to other-people is not 100:0. Nay to the naysayers, I say.

babble on said...

I rode my Cannondale mtb till Good Friday, and my son was born Easter Monday. No prob.

I went for a ride yesterday, too, but it sucked cause I'd have been better off in an ARK!

CommieCanuck said...


What exactly is it good for? It can't even jump a curb and punch through a brick wall without injuring both its passengers and getting itself totaled (or pretty close to it)?


I know, 'murican pickups are designed to smash through cinder block walls. Cowboys hats, belt buckles, etc.
Best Pickup truck ad ever.

CommieCanuck said...

See what I mean?

"Aerodynamic" LOL.

Dooth said...

Vision Zero!? Is De Blasé trying to be ironic? How else to explain motorists driving into store fronts and over pedestrians.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...those competing in the cx nationals are wussies... compared to this dude's single speed.

dancesonpedals said...

Hey babs! Lucky you were in BobFordland..we don't have easter monday down here...you'd have fallen through a tear in the space-time continuum

McFly said...

I found a guy in Canananadia to rebuld it. About $120 with round trip shipping. I made a lil alum hardtail insert to keep it rideable. I was fooling on the EBAY though and found a take-off Fox DLX coil over that was $50 w/free shippin and scooped it up cause I am 40 and do not want to be without a soft tail while mine is being serviced. In both aspects.


Unfortunately we also need an Ark here so we been workin on the Park Rape Trail. Bridges n shit. AND A SEESAW.

dancesonpedals said...

McFly....I don't know what's more amazing...that you have a soft tail, or that it was being serviced

dancesonpedals said...

sorry, this is the best truck ad..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vz6m2Orfg8

McFly said...

He said not to worry he will put fresh oil in it. Eh.

Speakin of prego sex there are other activities you can do where one will not fall down. Because you are already laying down.

Holy Roller said...

What type of pickup truck would Jesus drive?

Spike said...

Maybe a cross-over vehicle.

Judas said...

I like my Silverado

Foffinov said...

mmm

Recumbabe!

Foffinov said...

mmm

Recumbabe!

Anonymous said...

I rode my bike all through my pregnancy. It was a relief to ride, as I could actually get a wee bit of exercise and feel good. Whereas walking was just awkward and painful.

Daniel said...

Taco time!

http://www.myballard.com/2014/01/12/car-crashes-into-taco-time-on-market/

Anonymous said...

The most important aspect of impregnated activities is to take a measurement before you ride.

Anonymous said...

AERO MILF

Euro Spondee said...

If you need entertaining until Snob comes along, the sad tale of a Fred from
the Guardian

Anonymous said...

Some guy recently took out the wall of the local McDonalds with his suv. "Missed the drive-thru window by that much." (best maxwell smart voice)

Roille Figners said...

(chanting)
WEEEE WANT A POST
WEEEE WANT A POST
WEEEE WANT A POST
WEEEE WANT A POST