Tuesday, January 21, 2014

"Conspiracy" spelled backwards is "Ycaripsnoc." Think about it.

Well, here in New York City it looks like we're going to get walloped by yet another snowstorm, and all we can do is sit here and watch it happen.  Here's the view out of my window at this very moment, and the snow has only begun to fall:


Sorry, I uploaded the wrong photo.  Here's the correct one:


I'm relatively certain that's Classics star and enthusiast of drugs both recreational and performance-enhancing, Tom Boonen, immediately after receiving a vigorous massage:



If you're wondering why professional cycling isn't more popular in the United States, it's only because Americans have a low tolerance for both bicycles and men massaging other men to gentle flute sounds--especially if the massage takes place after a bicycle ride.

Anyway, what really makes this snowstorm difficult to take is that it's probably due to global warming (snow in January in the Northeastern United States being highly unusual), which in turn is caused almost entirely by cyclists.  See, they don't tell you that, do they?  No, they don't.  And if you're wondering who "they" are, it's the "Smugness Illuminati" who perpetuate the nonsense that it's drivers who are to blame.  This triumvirate consists of:


David Byrne, who doesn't own a car;



Matthew Modine, who has to do everything David Byrne does, but times two.  For example, if David Byrne doesn't own a car, Matthew Modine doesn't own two cars.  If David Byrne wears tartan while standing next to a bicycle, Matthew Modine dresses like Groundskeeper Willie and lifts a bicycle by employing the dreaded "One-Handed Fred Hoist."  And so forth;



And of course Dorothy Rabinowitz, whose highly-calculated "geriatric ditz" act did more to rally the forces of cycling than David Byrne, Matthew Modine, and the entire city of Portland combined.

Anyway, the Smugness Illuminati do not want you to know certain facts*, such as:

--Private courier companies (FedEx, UPS, DHL, etc.) are responsible for 56% of the greenhouse gases emitted into the atmosphere, and in turn bicycles and bicycle-related products comprise 87% of the shipments carried by these companies.

--Not only will an American Fred order a bicycle component from the UK in order to save a small amount of money, but he will also have his LBS special order the same component for him "just in case," though he will neglect to pick it up assuming the online purchase arrives in a timely fashion.  Therefore, a Fredly online purchase typically has at least double the "crabon footprint" of an ordinary, non-cycling online purchase.

--Cars are the most recycled consumer products in the world, whereas a single crabon bicycle frame requires roughly 100 gallons of oil to produce and is rarely ridden for more than a year before winding up in a landfill.  Moreover, crabon fiber dust is now the leading cause of childhood asthma in China, and the average age of a bicycle factory worker is 9 years old.

--Certain high-end crabon fiber racing bicycles employ a filament made from whale bone which is purported to enhance vertical compliance and lateral rigidity.  Bicycle models which utilize this whale bone filament include the Pinarello Dogma 2, the Cannondale Supersix Evo, and the entire Specialized S-Works line.

--Production of a single "fat bike" tire produces roughly six times the emissions of a single OEM tire for a Honda Civic.  At the same time, that fat bike tire lasts for 500 miles, whereas a typical car tire lasts 50,000 miles.  (Though admittedly at that wear rate it would take the typical fat bike owner 100 years to wear out a single tire.)

--Due to cyclists' propensity for social networking, the average cyclist uses more electricity per mile than a Tesla Model S.

*None of these are facts.

By the way, behind every conspiracy is an evil corporation, and if you're wondering who's funding the Smugness Illuminati the answer is Dunkin' Donuts, who are tired of cars crashing into their storefronts:

(Via a reader.)

I guess they must figure that, since a driver smashes into a Dunkin' Dunuts pretty much every day, at least if they switch to bicycles they'll do a lot less damage.

Oh, those wacky drivers, always crashing into stuff:

A driver crashed along a busy commercial strip of the Upper East Side Monday, hurtling onto the sidewalk and shattering the front window of a business on Second Avenue. 

The FDNY said a motorist lost control of his vehicle near 79th Street and Second Avenue at about 2 p.m. and crashed into the storefront window of Bond New York, a real estate office.

"I thought it was a Dunkin' Donuts," explained the driver.  No criminality is suspected and no charges were filed, though the driver was issued a warning as well as directions to the nearest Dunkin' Donuts.

Speaking of motor-vehicular mayhem, last week, to the delight of smuggies everywhere, Mayor Bill de Blasio finally rolled out "Vision Zero:"


It's off to a great start, too, because already the police are heading to the deadliest intersections, ticketing jaywalkers, and occasionally beating the shit out of them:


After a 26-year-old woman was fatally struck as she jaywalked across W. 96th Street on the Upper West Side early this morning—the third such pedestrian fatality in the area in the last eight days—cops went out in full force there today, giving tickets to jaywalkers and checking drivers' licenses. And according to the Post, cops assaulted an elderly man who jaywalked in front of reporters and NYPD officers around 5 p.m. this afternoon.

By the way, they ticketed five drivers and ten pedestrians (and they beat up zero drivers and one pedestrian), so it would appear that attaining Vision Zero is going to consist mostly of making sure the streets are empty of pedestrians.  That way, only Dunkin' Donuts customers will be at risk.  Also, they handed out flyers:


Given that the majority of pedestrians hit by drivers have the right of way and are in the crosswalk (including the 9 year-old boy who was just killed by a taxi driver in that very intersection), the "Lines in the crosswalk help remind drivers to watch out for pedestrians" bit is pretty cute.  Still, my favorite is this one:

"Pedestrians who have been drinking have been killed."

Most of the flyer is simply hilarious, but this line is downright Orwellian.  It's just so vague and threatening, thanks mostly to the use of the passive voice.  I mean, how have they been killed?  And who killed them?  Nobody knows.  One moment you're buzzed on a couple of martinis and strolling jauntily down the street, and the next you're in a dark room with a rat cage strapped to your face.  In fact, this may very well be my favorite NYPD safety tip to date, though it's probably tied with this one:

"Wear light or bright-colored or reflective clothing, especially if you walk at night.  Use a flashlight if you walk at night."

Really, the idea of cracking down on jaywalkers is so stupid I almost wish they'd go back to cracking down on cyclists--though I'm sure they will just a soon as a few more of us die:


See, they're ticketing you in order to save you.

That's how it works.


82 comments:

theEel said...

weed!

Anonymous said...

Je suis premier!

theEel said...

and WEED!

dancesonpedals said...

podophylin!!

Anonymous said...

Mais non!

dancesonpedals said...

you know, if the guy in first is the same person as the guy in third, the guy in fourth is technically on the podium

Flyover BC said...

top ten

mikeweb said...

Shoveling...

Anonymous said...

Facts Shmacts

Comment deleted said...

Fact-based journalism is so passe'.

Anonymous said...

"Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac...It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!"

Anonymous said...

"Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac...It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!"

babble on said...

Helllllo peeps!

Wait... isn't everyone a fan of drugs both recreational and performance enhancing? I'm definitely a fan of the kind of drugs that kick start a heart. <3

commentatorbot_197423 said...

how have they been killed? And who killed them? Nobody knows.

I know! It's the illuminati, terrorists, the poor, Obamacare.

Excellent post WCRM.

DB said...

Nice third, Dances on Pedals.

Yarpo said...

Is it Wednesday already? Or is theEel training for Wednesday and the wuh-heeeeeeeeeeeeeed?

Top Twennerz!

Babble, just read about the horrible tea incident. Hope you are feeling better and THROW THAT SHITTY TEA FAR, FAR, AWAY! Maybe get a second doctor's opinion on what the heck happened/is going on. In the meantime, Babble On!

Anonymous said...

"...and given directions to the nearest Dunkin Donuts"

Gold Wildcat! Gold

crosspalms said...

Babble, I was just catching up on the weekend comments. Glad you're OK!

Today was Winter Bike to Work Day in Chicago. 4 degrees F when I got up, 4-12 inches of snow overnight (I measured as I shoveled). Took the bus... Hope I can de-woosie in a day or so.

Comment deleted said...

"Siri, take me to the nearest donut shop, and make it fast!"

DB said...

Snob was a little late today.
I was wondering if he was caught in the F or G train.
Christie's inaugural party has been cancelled tonight due to "snow",
More conspiracy fodder.

CommieCanuck said...

I don't know about that rare whale bone fact, I prefer crabon frames with bald eagle feathers for beefiness, mixed with baby seal fur for compliance.
Also, the average age of Chinese bike factory workers was 9, but they are all pretty much dying at 8 now, and new 12 speed cassetes really need 4-6 year old fingers.
Today's weather is just more proof that Donald Trump was right.

The Donald said...

Stupid climate scientists, fire them all and get them workign on important stuff, like hair regrowth.

Stereotypical immigrant said...

"ayyy...butta the sign, she say, Drive Thru Window".

babble on said...

Thank you!! :D
I'm the luckiest girl in the world. As it turns out it was just a scary incident, a nasty one-off, but if it had happened while I was alone at home the outcome could have been disastrous. Thank goodness my little guy was late leaving for the skateboard park - he's the one who called 911, bless his traumatized little heart.

CommieCanuck said...

I read that some states are considering execution by placing convicted murders in Dunkin' Donuts locations near old people.
Or, getting them drunk and having them walk around NYC, with no vest or flashlight.

Yarpo said...

Ooops! Read the Gothamist article on the jaywalking crackdown but found the link to the article on Sarah Hoover's 8-layer Frozen Icebox Cake too enticing to pass up. I like her baking shoes...McFly? where are you? Your comments on Sarah Hoover are needed. I mean, her name is HOOVER after all...

Snob, Ycaripsnoc is my distant cousin! How did you meet him/her (the family was never quite clear on the gender specifics and the way he/she dresses doesn't solve the question)? Hide your rum supply and keep the Froot Loops under lock and key, which I assume you do anyway. Please say hi for me. Thank You.

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Read and enjoyed.

trama said...

this is a good one, copy paste into your web browser for to see the funny:

http://www.sfgate.com/news/crime/article/Cyclist-Driver-didn-t-see-me-stuck-in-windshield-5161867.php

RB1 said...

' ... Bicycle models which utilize this whale bone filament include the Pinarello Dogma 2, the Cannondale Supersix Evo, and the entire Specialized S-Works line...'

so not Colnago? whew. i'm so relieved.

dancesonpedals said...

Oh lordy Babs you really started the year in grand style. I never heard of Rue until 10 minutes ago, but it seems to be a potassium channel blocker. The electrical activity by which our nerves & muscles function is a product of the motion of ions in and out of the cells...(mainly potassium, sodium and calcium) This is how some anesthetics work (lidocaine blocks sodium channels numbing a nerve or stopping an erratic heartbeat) and some blood pressure meds like cardizem (calcium channel blockers.)

If I may ask a personal question, what's your resting heart rate? (As a self-respecting Fred I can answer in a tick) With all your riding you're probably forties/low fifties & could tolerate 20's.

Feel better

mikeweb said...

Say what you will, but at least NBC news channel 4 and the FDNY know that drivers/ motorists cause crashes and not the cars themselves.

I'm sure if the cars had their druthers, they would rather just stay parked instead of being driven buy their texting, mouth breathing, road rage-filled owners.

SNOB needs some podium rules said...

dancesonpedals @ 12:27 said..."you know, if the guy in first is the same person as the guy in third, the guy in fourth is technically on the podium."

Couldn't agree more. And NO anon's on the podium either. When Cipo is on top of Babble's throat, she knows it's Cipo.

the Jimboner said...

It's Log!

McFly said...

Easy Wilcat. Maybe Sue Ellen Mischkey was walkin down the street. Mmmmmmmm Brenda Strong...........

RoadQueen said...

That guy in the second picture needs to wash the windows.

I thought I saw a smudge...

Seeing Red said...

Some pedestrians are so angry that they're always on a cross walk.

Anonymous said...

WCRM, I mean this in the nicest most loving and supportive manner possible: What the fuck is wrong with your city?

Paneful Lesson said...

People who live in glass houses...

DB said...

Please keep all body parts out of the East River until after the Brooklyn Bridge swim in July.
Thank you.

Anonymous said...

So EPIC I took the bus.

Dear Babble, I am glad you're OK, or at least back to your self!

dominum PCCRea !!

vsk

dnk said...

I road my bike into work today. Won't ride it home though.

Interesting story. I went into 2 business establishments today in succession. One of them was the Clark's Shoe Store on Madison and 45th. There was a salesman singing along to a Huey Lewis song. How very odd. I bought boots and left, then walked into a falafel place around the corner. Different Huey Lewis song on the radio, and the person behind the counter singing along.

Well, maybe not such an interesting story.

crosspalms said...

I'm not sure why I'd need a flashlight for night safety when drivers can mow me down on the sidewalk in broad daylight. What am I supposed to do, bang the driver on the head with it? "After being released from the hospital, the flashlight-wielding pedestrian was arrested and charged with assault."

mikeweb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I'm not an expert but NYPD's safety program, which seems to mainly involve randomly beating up pedestrians, doesn't seem like the most effective way to address the issue of pedestrians being run down by motorists. I live a couple blocks from the 96th and Broadway, which like most busy intersections in NYC, is dangerous because of reckless driving (illegal turns, speeding, running redlights, etc) and not jay walking. So instead of cracking down/beating up jaywalkers how about discouraging reckless driving (giving out more traffic tickets, installing traffic cameras in those intersections, making the penalties and fines for moving violations much steeper, lowering the speed limit). Our police commission, Bratton, and the city seem to want to blame the pedestrian, ie the victim. I wonder how Bratton would feel if if the 9 year old kid killed by a reckless cabbie a couple weeks ago was his child? I bet the response would be a little different.

Anonymous said...

maybe BSNYC shouldn't take a day off. the cadence goes out of sync.

mikeweb said...

@dnk,

Simple explanation: you had consecutive Patrick Bateman sightings. Lucky to be alive.

Yesterdays Anon 4:23p said...

Hey @mikeweb,

Did you order a new freehub body?

dnk said...

babble on,

Holy smokes. Just back-read the weekend comments after seeing your mention of a 911 call. That must have been pretty scary for you and the little guy. Glad to hear you are okay.

Roille Figners said...

Ycaripsnoc... isn't that one of the Finger Lakes?

babble on said...

Thank you. Me, too. :)
I am scheduled for follow-up with several specialists this week, but the rue seems the most likely explanation, since my liver enzymes were elevated, while my blood work showed no signs of the enzymes which would be there had I suffered any damage to my heart. (I do have low blood pressure normally, and my resting rate is usually mid fifties, but when it went into the twenties I lost consciousness.)

Who knew tea could be so dangerous?

streepo said...

What rolls down stairs alone or in pairs?
Rolls over your neighbor's dog?
What's great for a snack and fits on your back?
It's Log, Log, Log!

Low Wun said...

Wow. How tall is that police person in the picture? For safety's sake they should have a traffic cone on their head or at least be carrying a flashlight.

CommieCanuck said...

Say what you will, but at least NBC news channel 4 and the FDNY know that drivers/ motorists cause crashes and not the cars themselves.

Are we forgetting the Congressional inquiry into those self-driving Priuseseses with the crying mom? After the dust settled, Toyota proved in court that she was jamming the throttle and never touched the brake.

She didn't realize that Priuseseses have telemetry data recorders, because Toyota knows how to do business in the USA, after Audi got fucked over for self-driving cars in the 80s.

BRAK SHILL

piskian said...

Mate,you colonial hand gun-toting turkeyf*ckers just don,t get it,do you?All these good Gawdfearing folk bein, killed an all that,s cos tbey be overprioritisin, thee utilisation of the Goddamn smartyphones during tbeir perambulations.
And Methinks maybe tbey be exercisin their mutant thumbs overorderin, tbat there Camspagbolognese Leterick gearshift or sum such nonsense.Yeeha!Praise be to Merika.

McFly said...

LOG! Ren and Stimpy was my all time favorite cartoon.

CommieCanuck said...

Log is now available as the Log app on iTunes.

dancesonpedals said...

piskian, I'm glad there were children here when you just posted ...not only was it heartfelt, but it's authentic aussie gibberish

Boled Over said...

How do you log in to Log? I'm stumped.

VancouverVancouver said...

I always carry a flashlight when I'm ordering a double double in my local Tim Hortons. Haven't been hit by a SUV yet.

Dooth said...

The 24th precinct doesn't want ME to become a statistic!

CommieCanuck said...

I always carry a flashlight when I'm ordering a double double in my local Tim Hortons. Haven't been hit by a SUV yet.

Don't try that in Nova Scotia.

CommieCanuck said...

Yeah, after I'm dead, I like to be referred to as "donut magnate".

VancouverVancouver said...

And as a plus I can tell the servant person behind the counter that they are not showing any symptoms of a recent concussion.

CommieCanuck said...

Rob Ford, donut magnet.

Vancouver Vancouver said...

CommieCanuck; You call that an SUV? That was only a RAV. I'm surprised it even penetrated the vapour barrier of the establishment. At least in 'merica they drive gas sucking leviathans worthy of taking out small buildings with a single pass. Hold your flashlights high all you people and live to see tomorrow.

McFly said...

I watched some of the Tour Down Under and forgot how much I like hearing Paul Sherwin say "It's stahrteeeng to git a bit GRIPPY."

Anonymous said...

Mathew Modine's bar tape job is more offensive to my delicate sensibilities than bike snob's.

dancesonpedals said...

so much for my well-reasoned analysis babs...that kid gets a new skateboard

Herschel Raney said...

Matthew Modine is skeery.

Snob is beginning to make me happy that I live in bumfuck.

That pedestrian line reminds me of the signs out west that say "Dust Storms May Exist". I laughed at that damn sign every time.

And, as always, fuck that robot test.

Herschel Raney said...

And Shit, Babs had a near death experience? Someone phone me next time and I will send flowers or some doctors. Or both. Should be one hell of a blog anyway.

Glad you are still with us Babble.

Robot word was " hearts". Cool. Fuck that test anyway.

Anonymous said...

http://www.sfgate.com/news/crime/article/Cyclist-Driver-didn-t-see-me-stuck-in-windshield-5161867.php

http://www.sfgate.com/news/crime/article/Cyclist-Driver-didn-t-see-me-stuck-in-windshield-5161867.php

http://www.sfgate.com/news/crime/article/Cyclist-Driver-didn-t-see-me-stuck-in-windshield-5161867.php

http://www.sfgate.com/news/crime/article/Cyclist-Driver-didn-t-see-me-stuck-in-windshield-5161867.php


http://www.sfgate.com/news/crime/article/Cyclist-Driver-didn-t-see-me-stuck-in-windshield-5161867.php

Vegas said...

C-O-N spiracy

Top said...

Whale bone. Funny.

BamaPhred said...

Scranus, it needed to be said.

dporpentine said...

"have been drinking" is not passive. If I said "the beer has been drunk"--that would be passive. You can't form passive voice statements with a verb in the -ing form.

"have been drinking" is a verb phrase in the past progressive. I'd argue it's also in the active voice with an understood direct object of "alcoholic beverages." But I suppose it's nominally intransitive and thus unable to be either active or passive.

dporpentine said...

Sorry: "have been drinking" is in the present perfect progressive.
http://www.ego4u.com/en/cram-up/grammar/present-perfect-progressive

It's been a while.

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Pedro M. Fonseca said...

As if to reduce construction work fatalities they punished workers that put themselves in danger. Here in Lisbon, Portugal, some time ago they also had the idea to paint warnings at the beginning of crosswalks directed to pedestrians remembering many died crossing them. Brilliant.

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